Jokes from June 19 to latest update
Update Date June 19, 2000
4 LETTER WORDS
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as
soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible
language...things I had never heard before! I mean, all
these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and
take me home... Please, mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what
could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! Come get me,
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like
DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
Shawn was sitting in his usual place at the table,
reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an
article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry
a football player known primarily for his lack of I.Q.
and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his
face and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest
jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey
in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.
" Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with
a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
'Shall We Gather at the River'."
Update Date June 20, 2000
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The
CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in
it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.The rabbit had it
coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
AT A PRAYER MEETING
An ELDERLY gentleman was sitting next to me, and after
we'd been introduced, but before the meeting started,
he leaned over & said "ever notice how many women attend
I acknowledged that yes, there were more women than men.
A few minutes later, he leaned over again & said "A man
would be a FOOL not to try to get into Heaven!"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to
be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment
and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial
from running its proper course. But the public defender liked
her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her
that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple
civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband
because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use
to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could
be wrong about capital punishment after all."
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was planning to meet
him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which
he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type
it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter in the address, and his
note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the
room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Update Date June 21, 2000
I was escorted to a wedding by my twenty-four-year-old
bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony
until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their
candles and then blew out their own. With that he brightened
and whispered, "I've never seen that done before." I whispered
back, "You know what it means, don't you?" His response:
"No more old flames?"
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their
wives thought of them.
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me
that she won't let me do any work around the house.
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
My husband was going on a diet, but when we pulled into a
fast-food restaurant, he ordered a milkshake. I pointed out
that a shake isn't exactly the best snack for someone who
wants to lose weight. He agreed, but he didn't change his
order. The long line must have given him time to make the
connection between his order and his waistline. As the
woman handed him his shake, she said, "Sorry about the wait."
"That's okay," he replied. "I'm going to lose it."
Update Date June 22, 2000
It has long been known I haven't bothered to look up the
It is believed I think
It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too
It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, you'll believe
Of great theoretical I find it kind of interesting impor
Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it
Typical results are shown The best results are shown
3 samples were chosen for The others didn't make sense, so
further study we ignored them
The 4 hour sample was not I dropped it on the floor studied
The 4 hour determination may I dropped it on the floor, but
not be significant scooped most of it up
The significance of these Look at the pretty artifact results
Much additional work will be This paper is not very good, but
required neither are all the others in this
These investigations proved My grant is going to be renewed high
I thank X for assistance X did the experiment and Y explained
with the experiments and it to me Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of the
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at
the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, 'Can you tell me how old
the dinosaur bones are?'
The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.'
'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know
their age so precisely?'
The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years
old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.'
BETTER THAN LIVE
Mac had just formed a new band with his friends. His sister commented,
'I wish I could you guys could go on television!'
'Yup! You sure would want to see more of us, huh?'
'Then I could turn you all off!'
Update Date June 23, 2000
Submitted by Baby O.
E V E R Y T H I N G I N E E D T O K N O W
... I L E A R N E D F R O M N O A H ' S A R K
One--Don't miss the boat.
Two--Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three--Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah
built the Ark.
Four--Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone
may ask you to do something really big.
Five-- Don't listen to critics, just get on with the
job that needs to be done.
Six--Build your future on high ground.
Seven--For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight--Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails
were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine--When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten--Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic by professionals.
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up.
When it was finished, she asked her gynecologist
how everything was. He said he was pleased and that
she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant.
"No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was
most definitely pregnant.
She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the
receptionist's phone and dialed the private line in
the Oval Office. When Bill answered the phone, she
shouted, "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant!
You got me pregnant!"
The president didn't say anything, and she screamed,
"Didn't you hear me? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
Hesitantly, the president asked, "Um... who IS this?"
BOOK OF ACADEMIC LIFE
Today's reading is from the "Book of Academic Life",
Chapter 1, verses 1-15.
In the beginning was the Plan.
And with the Plan were the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the faculty.
And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a
crock of shit and it stinks."
And the faculty went unto their Chairs and said,
"It is a bucket of dung and we cannot live with
And the Chairs went unto the Deans saying, "It is
a container of organic waste, and it is very
strong, such that none may abide it."
And the Deans went unto their Associate Vice-Provosts,
saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may
abide its strength."
And the Associate Vice-Provosts spoke among themselves,
saying, to one another, "It contains that which aids
plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Associate Vice-Provosts went to the Provost,
saying, unto him, "It promotes growth, and it is very
And the Provost went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the university with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and deemed that
it was good.
And thus the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.
Update Date June 24, 2000
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were shipwrecked on a
tiny isle in the middle of the ocean.
The brunette said, "Let's see who can get to the mainland
first by breaststroke."
After a couple of days, the brunette made it to the mainland.
A few days after that, the redhead made it to the mainland.
Two weeks after that, the blonde arrived on the mainland and
said, "I think you two cheated by using your arms."
Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided
to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had
turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a
short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth
nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.
A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the
little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to
breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat
came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure,
found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story: Everyone who craps on you is not
necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is
not necessarily your friend; and if you're warm and happy in a
pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
Update Date June 25, 2000
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been
weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to
the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to
blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really
bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station
to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do
that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a
diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk
this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on
his library wall, so he called in an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said,
"I am a history buff, and I would like your
interpretation of the last thing that went through
Custer's mind before he died.
I am going out of town on business for a week,
and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library
to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found
a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this
there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and
different positions of making love.
Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is
this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for, " said the
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth,
I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's
"And there you have it," said the artist,
"I call it Holy cow look at all those f--king Indians."
Update Date June 26, 2000
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man
regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy,
who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend
to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a
humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.'
They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill
to my brother-in-law."
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's
Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing
house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and
one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate
the flight attendant. "Stewardess," he said happily, "I
want to compliment you and the crew and especially the
captain for getting here right on time. It's not often
that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when
they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office
and let them know how pleased I am." "Why, thank you, sir,
" the flight attendant answered, "but I think you
should know -- this is yesterday's flight."
Update Date June 27, 2000
One of my friends works in the customer service
call center of a national pager company. He deals
with the usual complaints regarding poor pager
operation, as well as the occasional crank caller
demanding to be paged less often, more often,
or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly
complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."
He was instructed that he would have to call her
and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call
her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask
how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-
only pager, the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep
Another problem solved.
PICK TOUR SLOGAN
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
Do not start with me. You will not win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Update Date June 28, 2000
THE IN LAWS
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American
Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed.
Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it.
Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were
thousands of miles away.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other
on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over
to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really
easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and
visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know
the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she
is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches
the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill
and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out
his laptop computer and searches all his references. He
taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the
Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends
he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50
and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the
blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive.
Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons the dress
she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited
day and night, looking with hope out the dungeon window,
searching for the knight who would free her. However, every
knight was scared away by her dress, which, as I've said
before, was very ugly.
She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered,
"See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"
Update Date June 29, 2000
DAD'S SO SMART
Below could be any answer to what your kid may ask you the next time:
Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable?
Dad (D) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose
with your finger !!
S : Why do women enjoy it more than men?
D : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more
comfort than your finger.
S : Why do women hate it when they get rape?
D : It is like when you are walking on the street and someone else comes
over and digs your nose, would you like it??
S : Why women cannot have sex when they are having menses?
D : If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??
S : Why men do not like to wear condoms when they are making love?
D : Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger?
S : Woaaa . . Dad you are good.
At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player
with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not
it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When
I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly,
when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to
do with that either, so why should I tip him?"
The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip
"Yes," the gambler concedes.
"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't
up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you
should tip me."
"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for.
I'll take an 8."
IT SUMS UP
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try
not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
Update Date June 30, 2000
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members
were being introduced to other members and shown around. The
man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in
the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can
tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three
days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so
tired I had to rest my feet.
I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my
head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I
was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I
was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I ever
seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this............
I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I
don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion
jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just
now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the
end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one
began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of
egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market
in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a
bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess"
="And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for
the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to
this story is, don't count your chickens until they're
"That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle
Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit.
He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a
bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of
bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till
the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind
of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't piss off Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
Update Date July 1, 2000
Today's Jokes Submitted by GG of Dallas, TX.
THE RUNNING MAN
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband
was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend
Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the
driveway. She yelled at Ralph,
"Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my
husband is home early!".
Ralph looked out the window and said,
"I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will
kill both of us!".
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.
When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of
a marathon race, so he started running along side the
others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels
so free having the air blow over your skin while you are
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying
your clothes on your arm?".
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get
dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.".
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when
Ralph answered, "Only when it rains.".
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired
a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch
and report any activities that might develop. A few days
later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
He and she leave house.
He and she get on train.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree, look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
THE OLD COUPLE
An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several
years. One day Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this
nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance
payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals.
We should just move in together.
Betsy: Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.
Betsy: Who would do the cooking?
Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.
Betsy: What about sex?
Betsy: Is that one word or two?
Update Date July 2, 2000
WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY
* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though
she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor
for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand
you through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going
to one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
* You collect dead windowsill flies.
* Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got
* You like cats. Especially with mayo.
* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
they weren't rescued.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
* Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
* You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head
in the middle of your front lawn.
* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
* Melba toast excites you.
* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells
* You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog,
just for a few minutes.
* Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
* Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
* You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used
* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
THE REVEREND SMITH
Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large
city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first
evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.
Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that
night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to
omit them from their articles. One article that came out the
next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this
line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that
cannot be printed."
Update Date July 3, 2000
TWO IN A ROW
The lady of the house announced to her husband that she
was going to the beauty parlor.
He asked, "are you going in for an estimate or are you
going to get the work done?"
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a
woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was
standing on the shore screaming for help.
The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man
started, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000
if you save her!"
The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to
the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims
back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the
fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] ok, bud,
where's my 'grand'?"
"But, this is my *mother-in-law*!"
The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and
says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"
Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night.
I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus
girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all
dancing in a row...
Psychiatrist: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.
Update Date July 4, 2000
A man and a women were married for 40 years.
When they first got married the man said, 'I am putting a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.'
In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small
bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their
favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer
contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: 'I am so
sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked. However today the temptation was too much and I
gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles
in the box?'
The man thought for a while and said: 'I guess after all
these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth:
'Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer
bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to
do it again.'
The woman was shocked, but said: 'I am very disappointed
and saddened but I guess after all those years away from
home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that
3 times is not that bad considering the years.'
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later the woman asked the man: 'Why do you
have all that money in the box?'
To which the man answered: 'Whenever the box filled with
empties, I cashed them in.'
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally
Able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her
late husband had been.
'Sidney thought of everything,' she told them. 'Just before
he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three
envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last
wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open
them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest
'What was in the envelopes?' her friends asked.
'The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use
this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful
mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know
Sidney is resting very comfortably.'
'The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please
use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very
dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for
'And the third envelope?' asked her friends.
'The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please
use this to buy a nice stone'.'
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, 'So, do you like
my stone?' showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
Update Date July 5, 2000
THE FROG AND THE PRINCESS
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the
princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put
a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my
mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear
my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept
laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
SOMETIMES AN 'ISP (INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER)' CONNECTION
A friend of mine was telling me her thoughts on ISP.
They went something along the lines of:
" Lately, ISP reminds me of an old boyfriend. Just when I
think the connection has been established it suddenly
and inexplicably says, 'Goodbye.' "
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
The first "official" vasectomy was performed in 1893.
Many, many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
Update Date July 6, 2000
A young man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he was
sipping his drink, he reaches into his left coat pocket and
pulls out a miniature piano and puts it on the bar. The
bartender curiuosly asked,'so what is that for?' The young
man reaches into his right coat pocket and takes out a little
man. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing
The bartender is amazed. 'Where did you get that?' The young
man says matter of factly,'Well, you see, I have a genie. I
can get whatever I ask for.' Skeptical, the bartender asks
for a wish. The young man cheerfully obliges. The bartender
says the magic word and yells, 'I want 50,000 bucks!!!'
Suddenly, the bar is filled with 50,000 ducks. Ducks of all
shapes and sizes. The bartender screams, 'hey buddy, I asked
for 50,000 bucks,not ducks!!!'
The young man looked at him and replied, 'Well, did you really
think I wanted a 12 inch painist?'
Smarter than You Think
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the
local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem
was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load,
or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they
would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a
dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they
said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him
aside and said 'Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are
you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?'
Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin
appeared on his face and Johnny said,
'Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I
have saved $20!'
Update Date July 7, 2000
One day while at the service desk of the large discount store
I worked for, I saw a hand reach over and pick up the microphone
for the public-address system.
I assumed it was one of the assistant managers and didn't bother
to look up. Then I heard a male voice say over the loudspeaker,
"Hurry up, Margaret! I'm ready to go."
The doctor answered the phone and heard the
familiar voice of a colleague on the other
end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker,"
said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"in fact, there are three doctors there already!"
Update Date July 8, 2000
THINGS NOT TO SAY OR DO AT A JOB INTERVIEW
** See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start
** Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say;
'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone
** Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt:
'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
** After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with,
'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
** Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
** Claim you wouldn't even need a 'sit-in' job if Al Einstein
hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'
** Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
** Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
** Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget,
because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
** Although parking was free, insist that they validate something
or you're not leaving.
** Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't
feel like making anything else up.
** Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.
** Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure
office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
** Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask;
'smell these, these smell funny to you???'
** Upon walking into the office for first time ask receptionist
to hold all your calls.
Update Date July 9, 2000
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words t
hat were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
2 terrorists are plaaning to blow up a building. They take 2 bombs, put
them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.
One asks the other, 'What happens if the bombs blast off now?'
The other says, 'Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat.'
Update Date July 10, 2000
THE WRONG BAR
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's
a gay bar but says
"What the heck, I really want a drink".
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer
"What's the name of your penis?".
The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want
is a drink".
The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until
you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer says "all right, what's the name of your
penis?" The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT".
The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my
penis is Secret".
The waiter says "SECRET?".
The customer replies "Yeah....Strong enough for a man, but
made for a woman!"
Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church.
One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple,
and one was a young couple.
The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my
church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."
"No problem," said all three couples.
Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.
"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We
didn't have sex for two weeks straight."
The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but
we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."
Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the
first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over
to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right
then and there."
The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't
welcome in this church, don't you?"
The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in
Home Depot anymore, either."
Update Date July 11, 2000
HOW ABOUT THAT?
There once was a third grader named Jimmy. Every time the
teacher would say something, Jimmy would say, "How about that!"
One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed
Jimmy said, "How about that!"
The teacher told Jimmy, "If you say that one more time, you
are going out into the hall, mister!"
To that, Jimmy replied, ",Well, how about that!"
Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Jimmy into the hall
and said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem
to tell the class."
Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Jimmy and
said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."
Jimmy said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go
up the wall. How about that!"
The teacher said, "That's fine, Jimmy, but I want you to
leave the cock out."
She took him back into the classroom and announced that
Jimmy had a poem for the class.
Jimmy stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a
roach go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!"
The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the
actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night.
The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that
she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her
how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it
She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would
have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.
He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I
even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?"
"No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to
pay full price for it just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a
local nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out
all the lights.
At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously
done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was
made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's
"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I
never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at
the door selling tickets."
Update Date July 12, 2000
When his father decided it was time for Junior to part with his
virginity, he accompanied him to the local brothel and explained Junior's
condition to the madam.
"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice girl to take care of ya," she
promised. "You just do your part and sure ya wear one wear one of
these." With this the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it
down her thumb by way of instruction.
Junior parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room
Twelve. There a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes. After he'd
cum, a frown passed over her face. "The rubber must have torn," she
muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside."
"Oh no, it didn't," Junior cheerfully reassured her, holding up his
thumb as evidence. "It's as good as new!"
Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime
fighting and wanted to go out and party. He called Batman
to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said that Robin was ill and he had to look after
him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to
=see if he fancied a few beers, but Spiderman had a date
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's
apartment to see if she was free. He landed on her balcony,
and saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs wide
open. Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a
speeding bullet! I can go in there, have sex and be gone
before she knows what happened." Superman did his super
thing in a super split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear
anything?" and the Invisible Man replied "No! But suddenly
my ass hurts like hell!!!!"
Update Date July 13, 2000
An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his
"Hello toes!", he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you`re 82 today.
Oh the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the park in Summer,
every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy
"Hello knees", he proceeded. "How are you, knees? You know, you`re 82
today. Oh the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade?
Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! If you were alive
today,you`d be 82 years old!!"
THE AMERICAN DREAM
Joe Smith started the day early,
having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6:00 A.M.
While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking,
he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and
shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan),
his designer jeans (made in Singapore),
and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast
in his new electric skillet (made in Philippines),
he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico),
how much he can spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Switzerland),
to the radio (made in Hong Kong),
he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany),
goes looking as he has been for months,
for a good paying American job.
After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to
relax for a while.
He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil),
pours himself a glass of wine (made in France),
and turns on his TV (made in Japan),
and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.
Update Date July 14, 2000
THE EVOLUTION OF THE INTERNET
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone
pulpit and says, "And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed,
she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from
town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving
"And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I
will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages
saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath
the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by
Uriah's Pony Stable" (UPS).
"Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There
will be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied, "It is my
most fervent wish that this be so."
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And
the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to
camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot
did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, (or as it
came to be known, "eBay,") he said, "we need a name of a service that
reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
"Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com
LAWS AND OBSERVATIONS
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband
to pick up five items at the store and then you add one
more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important
you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or
absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to
bump you into the next tax bracket and just small enough
to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything
except what happens.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts
out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out
soft will harden when stale.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat
on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom
of the grocery bag.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late,
you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will
meet the boss in the parking lot.
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or
a jury trial. "Jury trial," he replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant,"That's where twelve
ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
NOT MUCH OF A MAN
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three
Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old fellow, pushed his cigarette
into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into his coffee
and took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate,
and then he took a seat at the counter with buddies . . .
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid his bill
and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
Shaking her head, she replied, "No . . . not much of a truck
driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
Update Date July 15, 2000
LOVE, LUST AND MARRIAGE
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was
pregnant, Celeste got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby,"
she confessed with a blush, "and actually I don't know the first
thing about how babies are delivered."
"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really
not all that different from how the baby got started in the first
Startled, Celeste exclaimed, "You mean twice around the park with
my legs hanging out of the cab?"
NICE NIGHT FOR A SWIM
One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He
was loaded, and he had everything that went with it; money,
a big house in Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything
he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had
filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his
friends all standing around drinking, next to the pool. The
guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look
up. He calls for silence and says,
"OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd and says, "OK,
the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money
and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims
across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK
then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all
my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all
the girls you can handle; everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him,
but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place,
fighting and dodging.
Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich
guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see
that done. Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later? "
"I don't want the cars or planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want that either."
"You gotta want the girls!?"
"No, I don't want the girls."
The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do
"I want the bastard that pushed me in."
Update Date July 16, 2000
WHO DESIGNED THE HUMAN BODY?
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around
one day arguing about who might've designed the human body.
The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer.
The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff
- a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical
engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the
brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer."
Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who
else would have run a waste water line through a
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS IN A MAN
It's amazing how women change over the years as well. Their dreams,
desires aspirations all change as well...especially when you compare when
they were in school, to how they change over the years
What A Woman Want In A Man, Original List ... (When in school)
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What A Woman Want In A Man, Revised List .. (Post Marriage Years)
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What A Woman Want In A Man, Revised List ... (Menopausal years)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off [until I'm in the car]
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What A Woman Want In A Man, Revised List ... (Circa Retirement )
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't retell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What A Woman Want In A Man, Revised List ... (Golden Years)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake
5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when.. [it used to be monthly]
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (80 Years +)
Update Date July 17, 2000
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the
saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's
the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't
going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence
course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present
employer been in business?"
He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
If they had computers in 1776:
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is
essential that we complete this declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you.
Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy
Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online
just last week
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our
document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg
circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75.
It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended
Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle
wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy
an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell
checker recommends "unassailable".
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please?
Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the
floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....
Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you
thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centereing it
in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't
save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow
my quill pen....
Update Date July 18, 2000
THE DUCK HUNTER
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided
to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge
and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect
your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.
The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's
rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington
State duck. Do you have a Washington State hunting license?" The hunter
pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington State
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you
have an Idaho State hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced
an Idaho State hunting license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said,
"This here's an Oregon State duck. Do you have an Oregon State hunting
license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced
the appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back
to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where
the heck are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The
brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell,
but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you
shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Update Date July 19, 2000
GETTING TO KNOW
Submitted by Lee B. - Thanks.
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to
marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each
other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married.
They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. While
they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off
of his towel, climbed the ten-meter board, and did a
two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations
in the jackknife position. When he straightened out, he
cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid
down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You
see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing
laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and
laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked
both sides of the canal."
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students pointing
out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.
"Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the
Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of
pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash".
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my"
gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes
in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."
Update Date July 20, 2000
The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a
rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one
end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute
later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later
it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute
later...etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its
head out of both ends of the box at the same time?
In theory, two minutes.
In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.
Teri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people
on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Teri said.
"But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"
WALKING IN WATER
Jerry had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and
even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st
So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out
to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Jerry told Brian.
Jerry and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled
out to the middle. Jerry stepped off of the side boat . . . and
damn near drowned.
Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Family Farm and asked
his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as
the others in the family.
Grandmother took Jerry by the hands, looked into his face, and said,
"That's because your father, grand-father, and great-grandfather
were born in January. You were born in July."
Update Date July 21, 2000
FEEDING THE FLOCK
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock,
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not
much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly,
"And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread
and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man,
"Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
Resumes can have midleading information. This guide should help clear any
Wears a lot of yellow and red - usually together.
Got 3 gold stars for spelling in first grade.
* Computer Literate:
Knows the difference between a mouse and a keyboard.
* Excellent Communication Skills:
Knows everybody's personal business.
* Detailed Oriented:
Will spend eight hours perfecting a two-minute job.
First one out the door at quitting time.
Watch out for attractive members of your staff.
King of Gossip!
Can depend on them to be the last one there in the morning.
On my way to visit a sick person in the parish, a little red car sped
around my pickup. The driver pointed to my back left wheel. Just at
that moment, I realized the tire was going flat.
I pulled into a driveway and got out of the truck to look at the
tire. All of a sudden, the red car zipped into the driveway. A young
man got out. "Sister," he said, "get back in the truck. I'll fix
As he changed the tire, I talked with him. "You remember me," he
said. "Mike Sinn. You visited me in the hospital."
It occurred to me that this was probably the first time that Grace was
saved by Sinn.
Update Date July 22, 2000
POLICE ON THE INTERNET
It seems that the LAPD just got on the internet. Chosen to
coordinate this feat was none other than Sgt. Joe Friday.
After one week he had to give a presentation explaining
Usenet to all the officers.
At the presentation, one woman stated, "You seem to know
so much about this stuff, Joe. Did you really read all those
To which he replied: "Just the FAQs, Ma'am."
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had
done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said
and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you,
here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's
the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus
out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was
anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure
your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost
$1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a
new sports car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Update Date July 23, 2000
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Lewis Grizzard
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and
a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering if there
is a man on base."
-- Dave Barry
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm
halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God...
I could be eating a slow learner!"
-- Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-- Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
-- Johnny Carson
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
-- Oscar Wilde
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait.
-- A. Whitney Brown
Update Date July 24, 2000
Being a newspaper photographer, my husband would often get
home late with the excuse "I had to shoot a car wreck," or
"I had to shoot a football game."
Once, some unexpected company dropped by and asked how
late my husband would be. "I don't know," I replied, not intending
to shock them. "He has to shoot the governor."
It was one week before finals at the University of California, Irvine,
and everyone in my comparative religion class was frantic because of all
the complex words and ideas we needed to know.
The professor had just finished reviewing an Eastern concept he
identified as Taoist, when a frazzled student protested, "But you
said that was a Buddhist belief!"
The professor looked up with a smirk and said, "I'm afraid not.
You see, that was Zen. This is Tao."
TOP TEN TIP TO ENTERTAINMENT
1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all
the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all
come from the same fast-food restaurant.
2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking
lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and
3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."
4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring
old milk into new containers before having guests over.
5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive
food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF
the TV dinner before serving.
6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if
you think of it as kicking dust bunny tail!
7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee.
They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil
tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare
for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there
until they leave.
9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household
items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn
eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return.
Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.
Update Date July 25, 2000
BUTCHER AND THE DOG
A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop.
He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes
over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note,
and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has
money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold,
there is a ten dollar bill there.
So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it
in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to
closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The
dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits
patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks
across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The
butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits
on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the
front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes.
Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and
climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The
bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at
the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He
stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.
Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher
are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up
the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the
path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes
back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against
it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the
path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the
He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks
back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy
opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him,
and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the hell
are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc's sake!", to
which the guy responds "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week
that he's forgotten his key."
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted
his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully,
and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked
down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked
down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end
of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a
cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper
nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one,
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he
got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the
Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands
above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back
and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
Update Date July 26, 2000
REALLY LOVE YOU
Joe walked into his wife's room one day.
"If I were disfigured, would you still love
me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said
calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't
hug you any more?" he asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you,"
she told him, buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice
president?" Joe went on, "If I wasn't making
six figures any more, would you still love
The woman looked over at her husband's worried
face. "Joe, I'll always love you," she reassured him,
"but most of all, I'll really miss you."
I live in Texas. I have two friends that are blonde and sisters.
One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses
When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good
paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know
where the lighthouses are to apply."
I told them, There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that
Sure enough, there were ads for . . .
"Light Housekeeping needed.Apply in person."
Update Date July 27, 2000
A little perspective
Submitted by Lee B.
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
Submitted by GG522 of Dallas, TX
Jane was a first time contestant on the $250,000 quiz show, where you
have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial
lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but,
unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her
the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've
just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know
I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like
"Relax, honey" her husband, Bubba, reassured her "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Bubba grabbed the car keys and
started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." He replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Bubba's return. After an agonizing 3 hour
absence, Bubba returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey,
I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is What are the
three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is 'The head, the
heart, and the penis."
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Bubba, who
was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the
penis" Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Bubba
asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her
teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was
once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the
question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her
stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began
running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous
days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $465,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You
have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and
I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning.."
"That's close enough" said the game show host "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
Update Date July 28, 2000
Submitted by Lee B.
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in
a bar.They are having a good time and all agree that
the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice
bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a
better one.At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink,and MacDougal himself will buy your third
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar,
but where I come from, there's a better one. Over
in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you
buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink,
Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds
like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's
great? Where I come from, there's this place called
Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink,
they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third
drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic!
Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened
to my sister!"
The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines
were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and
that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons
which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well,
if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on
some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing
of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The
roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial
ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their
wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard
railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are
handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you
may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made
just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus,
we have the answer to the original question.
Now the twist to the story:
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and
horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,
there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel
tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by
Thiokol Corp., at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the
SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to
be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad
line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The
SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than
the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses'
behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand
years ago by the width of a Horse's Ass!
Can you imagine what would happen if it was based on the size of the
With our expanding asses (mine included), we'll need to keep revising
Update Date July 29, 2000
Submitted by Lee B.
TIPS TO LOOK LIKE WORKING REALLY HARD
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in
your hands. People with documents in their hands
Look like hardworking employees heading for
Important meetings. People with nothing in their
hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make
sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at
night, thus generating the false impression that
you work longer hours than you do.
2.Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a
computer, it looks like your working to the
casual observer. You can send and receive
personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything
remotely related to work. These aren't exactly
the societal benefits that the proponents of
the computer revolution would like to talk
about but they're not bad either. When you get
caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught -
your best defense is to claim you're teaching
yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a
clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're
not working hard enough. Build huge piles of
documents around your workspace. To the observer,
last year's work looks the same as today's work;
it's volume that counts. Pile them high and
wide. If you know somebody is coming to your
cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway
down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have
voice mail. People don't call you just because they
want to give you something for nothing - they call
because they want YOU to do work for THEM.
That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through
voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message
for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour when you know they're not there it
looks like you're hardworking and conscientious
eventhough you're being a devious weasel. If
you diligently employ the method of screening
incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody
is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the
caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't
involve you. If your voice mailbox has a limit on
the number of messages it can hold, make sure you
reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is
to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes
too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers
will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this
mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a
hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to
George Costanza, one should also always try to look
impatient and annoyed to give your bosses
the impression that you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office
late, especially when the boss is still around. You
could read magazines and storybooks
that you always wanted to read but have no time
until late before leaving.Make sure you walk past
the boss' room on your way out. Send important
emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am,
etc...) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when
there are many people around, giving the impression
that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots
of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the
floor etc. You can always borrow from library. Thick
computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines
and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it
freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember:
They don't have to understand what you say, but you
sure sound impressive.
10.* MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your
boss by mistake!!!
POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the
difference between potentially and realistically?
The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister
if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you have learned." So the boy went
to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars? The mother replied, "Of course I would! I
wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went
to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I'd be nuts to pass that
up!" The boy then thought about it for two or three days and
went back to his dad. The father asked him, "Did you find out the
difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied,
"Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but
realistically we're living with two hoes."
Update Date July 30, 2000
READ THE SIGNS:
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in
your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take
what you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come
in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll
Update Date July 31, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
(Notes: These are all clean, so no thinking dirty thoughts
1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow
4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
6). What does a dog do that you can step into?
7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you
can't get one you can use your hands?
8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl
9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of
10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men
than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?
OK, give up? I hope you aren't thinking any dirty thoughts!
3. A Twenty Dollar Bill
4. Fire Truck
SEXUAL TENSION QUIZ
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to
determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For
every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every
incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points,
you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21
points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you
are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.
"CLUES" - (NOTE: The answers are given at the bottom.)
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People
sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me.. I'm
called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A
big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to
swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When
I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your
fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and
plead for it.
14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little
pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
OK... Now to check how well you did:
"The Answers to Sexual Tension Quiz"
2. Peanut Butter
7. Wedding Ring
9. Chewing Gum
10. Newspaper Boy
Update Date August 1,2000
Submitted by 'Shy'.
THE TWO BLONDS IN NY
Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and
opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver:
"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters:
"Will it take ME?"
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a
crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when
all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens
scurried off in different directions, but the determined
boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the
wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly
returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly,
"but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed,
"because you only left with seven."
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny
money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his
time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from
this batch of money, is to find a place where the people
aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a
small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man
behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An
8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"
Update Date August 2,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-
bitch is four." "Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing
math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The
next day she stormed into Little Johnnys classroom and confronted Ms.
Margo. Little Johnnys mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnnys
different way of doing math and his claim that Ms. Margo taught it
that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand
why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo
exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-
of-which is two."
Submitted by Lee B.
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about
to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning,
and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of
you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm
round her shoulder and added,"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me
happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Update Date August 3,2000
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in
the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take
care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes
off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people
doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra
on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we
give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
The new school year started and the grade school
teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story
about summer vacation. Several students eagerly
raised their hands including Little Johnny. The
teacher asked Alice to tell a story.
"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during
vacation" Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a
steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."
The teacher asked for another volunteer, several
students eagerly raised their hands including little
Johnny. She was afraid to call on little Johnny
because he swore a lot in last years classroom.
The teacher chose Fred to tell a story.
"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the
country. We stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure
into the pond and caught the biggest trout We'd ever
seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it
was great!" Fred reported.
"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer".
Several students were waving their hands. The teacher
felt sorry for Little Johnny and wanted to give him
"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a
huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot
it right in the asshole" Little Johnny said.
The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum." she
"Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."
Update Date August 4,2000
This little five-year old girl walked in on her parents while
they were making love. She asked her mother what it was
they were doing. "Oh, daddies just parking his car in my
garage." her flustered mother replied. The little girl nodded
and ran off while her parents resumed screwing. A few
minutes latter they heard a horrible scream from outside.
The parents ran downstairs and asked their daughter what
had happened. "Well," the little girl replied. "Johnny from
next door was just parking his little car in my garage but the
back wheels wouldn't fit... so I cut them off."
THING TO PONDER ABOUT
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I
said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear
intelligent until you hear them speak?
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already
know you don't have any?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding ... what is it expanding into?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other
trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when
someone threw a gun at him?
Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients" but dish washing
liquid contains "real lemons"?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag, and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?"She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Update Date August 5,2000
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked
where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he
your husband?" "Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels
for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home."
Update Date August 6,2000
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
According to Penthouse, more women
complain about infrequent sex than men
Most women report that they prefer to
have sex in the dark.
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of
the trouble they were having in the apartment building where
they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed,
"I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for
lack of testimony.
Update Date August 7,2000
Submitted by Lee B.
20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did
it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and
it was decided that the boy should ride.
As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a
shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy
decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real
shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe
they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to
walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the
critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put
such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that
maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he
fell into the river and drowned.
The Moral Of The Story:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
Update Date August 8,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
I'm dating a homeless woman. It's easier to talk her into staying over.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night.
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Why is it a mistake to date a necrophiliac?
They invariably just want you for your body.
I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking
questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to
know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid
Update Date August 9,2000
Submitted by Lee B.
25 NEW WORDS TO ADD TO YOUR JEWISH VOCABULARY:
1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite
celebrity is Jewish.
2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to
read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why
they celebrate Hanukah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate
4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying
to butter it.
5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that
she never gave to her own children.
6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00a.m. so she can
change the baby's diaper.
7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated
look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store
and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned
immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking
one's way out of a tight spot.
12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used
13.MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius."
14. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains
found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at
15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all
your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.
16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of
celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or
18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find
a tenth person to complete a minyan.
19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or
business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid.
In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's
son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for
21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the
end of Passover.
22. KINDERSCHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one
had a vasectomy.
24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts
the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it
after one has eaten it.
Update Date August 10,2000
Submitted by vanni oo of Long Beach, CA
One time I tried getting a job at a submarine sandwich shop.
Only they wanted me to take a lie detector test just in order
to apply for the job. What the did they think I am going
to lie about in a sub shop? Did they fear someone would ask
for roast beef and I'd say no? "How much is the tuna?"
A new group of male applicants had just arrived in heaven.
Peter looked them over and ordered, "All men who were
henpecked on earth, please step to the left; all those who
were bosses in their own homes, step to the right."
The line quickly formed on the left. Only one man stepped to
Peter looked at the frail little man standing by himself and
inquired, "What makes you think you belong on that side?"
Without hesitation, the meek little man explained, "Because
this is where my wife told me to stand."
A TRIP TO HELL
Submitted by gg522 Dallas, TX
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: what do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here, you
a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Monday then. On Mondays that's all we do
is drink Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and
fresca, we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Wow, sounds great!
Demon: you a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no
biggie, you're already dead.
Guy: Wow!. That's awesome.
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
roulette, Poker, slots, whatever, if you go bankrupt, well, you're
Demon: Do you do drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean?
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who cares if you OD!
Guy: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Demon: You gay?
Demon: "Ooooh," (grimaces) "You're gonna hate Fridays"
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
Max fell in love with Maureen, but the pretty Irish lass
wouldn't marry him unless he converted from Judaism to
Love being stronger than any other emotion, Max undertook
the studies that would make him a good Catholic.
Some months later, Maureen ran into her friend Paula, who
asked, "When's your wedding?"
Maureen answered, "There'll be no wedding."
"Max studied so hard he now wants to be a priest!"
Update Date August 11,2000
Here's a true story that happened to a friend's father:
He was standing in line at the bank when there was a
commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed,
exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?!
I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will
happen to my mortgage?!"
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign
on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR
GOOD FRIDAY. I guess Easter was not uppermost in her
thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going
to close "for good" that coming Friday.
At the Olympics in Barcelona, some of the locals were
entered in equestrian events. Other contestants were
surprised to note that the Spanish riders guided their
horses with so much slack in the reins that they
actually hung down across the horses' necks.
When asked why they preferred such a relaxed stance, the
locals proudly announced.......
"The reins in Spain fall plainly on the mane."
Browsing in a nursery, I overheard a young couple contemplating
the purchase of a blooming plant. The wife obviously wanted the
plant, and pleaded for her husband's approval. But he was quick
to cite the recent demise of a similar flower she had owned.
Nodding her head in agreement, she continued down the aisle.
When she was a safe distance away from him, I saw the young man
lean over the flowerpot and whisper,
"You don't know how lucky you are.
Update Date August 12,2000
CAN NOT UNDERSTAND WOMEN
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work,
so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got
to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug
and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed
her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his
wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was
surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that
he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their
marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his
wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This
is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his
bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and
flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
LOST MY WIFE
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket
and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can
you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears
out of nowhere."
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
The Name of Wyoming's Grand Teton peak
literally means "big tit."
Sperm banks keep their donor semen at approximately
-321 degrees Fahrenheit, and it can be kept indefinitely.
For most women the libido peaks just
Exhibitionists are most likely to be
Update Date August 13,2000
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her
boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down
because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't
believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway dear." the Mother said.
"Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
THE COW FROM MINSK
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow
from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.
Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time,
and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to
worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the
cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the
bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he
could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who
was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening;
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches
her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and
she just walks away to the other side.
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you
buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where
they had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor
came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and
some bad news." The bad news is that you have an
inoperable brain tumor.
The good news is our hospital has just been certified
to do brain transplants and there has been an accident
right out front and a young couple was killed and you
can have which ever brain you like.
The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is
The patient could not help but ask?; "Why such a large
difference between, the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied...
"...the female brain is used."
Update Date August 14,2000
Submitted by Vanni oo of Long Beach, CA
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and only the
He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the
best job possible. The professor announced that the test
would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common
name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying
The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked
the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all
night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their
legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.
He went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking
at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the
professor's desk and walked out the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he
didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached
the door, the professor called out "One moment, son, what's
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said "You
guess buddy! You guess!"
Once there was a Mexican, an Italian, and a redneck.
They were all construction workers, and at the time
they were building a bridge. Every day at 12:00 noon
they would sit on the edge of the bridge and have
their lunches. On this particular day when the Mexican
opened his lunch box he said " UN BURRITO AGAIN!
If I get one more burrito I swear I will jump off this
bridge!" Then the Italian opened his lunch and said
" SPAGHETTI! I swear if I get spaghetti again I will
jump off this bridge too!" Then the redneck looked in
his sack and said "BALOGNIA! I'm with ya boys, I swear
if I get balognia again I'll jump of this bridge too!"
The very next day at lunch the three men met at their
usual spot on the bridge. When the Mexican opened his
lunch and saw a burrito he jumped off the bridge. When
the Italian saw that he had spaghetti, he too jumped
off the bridge. Then the redneck looked into his lunch
sack and saw balognia. Seeing this he too jumped off
the bridge. A couple of days later a funeral was held
for all three men. All three of the wives were sitting
in the front talking. The Mexicans wife cried "If only
he had told me he didn't want another burrito." The
Italians wife also cried " If only he had told me he
didn't want spaghetti." Then they turned to the redneck's
wife and she said " Don't look at me, he packed his own
A college grad goes down south to visit his uncle,
a real redneck. The grad wants to show off his
intelligence, so he says, "How about you and I have
a trivia contest." The uncle asks, "What are the
stakes?" The grad replied, "Well, if you're talking
money, how about a dollar a question?" "Hey, since
your a college grad and I'm just a redneck, how 'bout
you pay a dollar, but I only pay 50 cents." "Fine
by me. You start.." "OK. What has three legs, is
purple and barks like a dog?" The grad replied, "I
sure don't know, here's your dollar. But tell me what
does have three legs, is purple and barks like a dog?"
The uncle replied with a hardy, "Danged if I know, here's
your 50 cents!"
Update Date August 15,2000
THE THIRD BREAST
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.
He said to the woman, "Is there anything
on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast
in her hand, "What am I going to do with
this useless boob?"
And God created man.
TRUTH ABOUT MEN
1. If you think the way to a man's heart
is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them
are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health
reason: you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at
home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the
stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one --
they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well --
they never mature anyway.
8. Men are all the same -- they just have different
faces so you can tell them apart.
9. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out
of the bath to pee.
10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good
husband, you will usually find that he is married.
11. Scientists have just discovered something that
can do the work of five men -- a woman.
12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe
men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but
you could still use them.
13. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not
enough cells per man.
14. There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men -"don't" and "stop".
15. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if
they're someone else's.
Update Date August 16,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
YOUNG AND OLD
A young doctor moved out to a small community to
replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor
suggested that the younger doctor accompany him
as he made his house calls so that the people of
the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger
doctor listened intently as the older doctor
and an older lady discussed the weather, their
grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his
patient how she had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably
been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit.
Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh
fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked
how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis
"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain.
"You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the
floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it
up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana
peels in the trash can. That is probably what has
been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor.
"Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an
elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing
the weather and grandchildren and the latest church
bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor
asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow
replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I
"You've probably been doing too much work for the
church," the younger doctor suggested without even
examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up
a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your
diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling
me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you,
I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent
down to pick it up, I looked around and there was
the preacher hiding under the bed.
A LONG NIGHT
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she
agrees, & they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to
his wife & says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, &
they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his
watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder, & asks, "Honey, please... just one
more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," & they make love
for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. The man,
however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns, until he's
down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have
only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...."
At this point the wife sits up & says, "Listen, I have to get up in
the morning. You don't!"
WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we┬ are
after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat┬ nice,
have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, and have some money and,
thank God, are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Update Date August 17,2000
Submitted by Lee B.
ARE WE STUPID?
Is the Human Race doomed through stupidity?
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell
us that we are.
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to
play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in,
approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there
and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies
"OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
DO YOU KNOW ME?
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in
a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you ask her if
she knows me - I will hold you in contempt of court!!"
Update Date August 18,2000
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the
heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and
decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster...
As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed
a little sign by the side of the track.
I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't
make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round
again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what
the sign said.
By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round
a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car
to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.
An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had
just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she
asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I
think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he
continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she
said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some
teachers were talking about reincarnation. One teacher remarked
"If there's anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what
I'd like to come back as."
"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.
"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood disease."
A LITTLE MORE
I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young
sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered
a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our
children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured
a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up,
"Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"
WHY U.S. RAN OUT OF OIL
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how
we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered
to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of
course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the
oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks
are in Washington, D.C.