Just Jokes - Continued Click for latest update at end of the page >>>>
Jokes from May 1 to May 18
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Update Date May 1, 2000
EXPENSIVE SPAGHETTI
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told
him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a
sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied,
"Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care
of the expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the
office.
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from
Europe,and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just
wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the
floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead
medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had
precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without!"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes, and they will ALWAYS BE assholes.
WILL GET HARD
The young man was distressed when for no apparent reason he found himself
impotent.Consulting a psychiatrist, he was thrilled to learn that the
problem was physical rather than psychological, and that his ability to
raise an erection would return if he put more wheat in his diet.
Running to the bakery, he asked for ten loaves of whole wheat bread.
"Having a party?" the baker asked
"No," said the young man, "it's all for me."
Surprised, the baker said, "But it'll get hard in a day or two."
"In that case," replied the exuberant young man, "let me have thirty
loaves!!"
MUCH FASTER
Jill says to Mary, "When we're going to it, I always tell my husband
how much I love him."
Mary says, "Well, do you?
Jill says, "Hell, no, but it makes him finish faster."
INCOMPATIBLE YUPPIES
Listening to a young Yuppie couple argue as they waited for
their prescriptions at least helped pass the time. When
their meds were finally ready, they paid & walked away. The
druggist stood there & shook his head.
I asked, "What's with them ?"
He sighed and replied, "They're incompatible. He's on Xanax
and she's on Prozac."
NO SATISFACTION
I went to the doctor today for a small problem.
I've been unable to straighten out my fingers for
a while and thought I should check into it.
Well my doc being the progressive type that he is
gave me a script for low dosage Viagra to see if
that might help with problem... and it sure did !!!
Fingers are now straighter than they have ever been
But the side effect is killing me. Now that I can't curl
my fingers I can't get any satisfaction at all..
Update Date May 2, 2000
Q & A PLUS
Q: What did Cinderella say when her holiday snapshots were late?
A: "Someday my prints will come."
Q: What do you get when you cross a skunk with a boomerang?
A: A smell you can't get rid of!
Did you hear about the blonde that hooked up her VCR to
the microwave? She watched The Godfather in three minutes!
BUSHED
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to
his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a
comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have
had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down
and all of us had to do our own thinking."
FIRST TRAIN RIDE
Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first
train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.
A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks,
something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought
each one a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one
into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When
the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to
his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
MORE Q & A
Q. How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
A. You put lox on it.
Q. What do people from Texas call sushi?
A. Bait.
Q. What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook
the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside?
A. Corn.
Q. What does the Gingerbread Boy have on his bed?
A. Cookie sheets.
Pun: Did you hear about the guy who was so unlucky he got a paper cut
from a Get Well Card?
Q. Why can't you play cards in the jungle?
A. Because there's too many cheetas!
PENNY
Penny was driving home from work, doing about 75 miles an hour, when
she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down,
she picked up speed. When she looked back again, there were two
motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around,there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a
gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the
ladies'
room.
Two minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing
there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet
none of you thought I would make it."
PIGMY
A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and
living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns
several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to
launch an expedition.
Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3
foot tall pigmy standing near a 300 foot long dead dinosaur.
The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Dear Lord!
Did you kill this dinosaur?"
"Yep!" replied the pigmy."But, it's so big and you're so small!"
"Yep!" replied the pigmy. "How on earth did you kill it?" inquired the
scientist.
"With my club," replied the pigmy. "How big is your club?" demanded the
scientist.
The pigmy replied, "Well, there're about a hundred of us!"
Update Date May 3, 2000
CONDOLENCES
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter
constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was
an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks
he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a
pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he
asks, "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky
that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with
the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an
erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this - a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
ON 25TH FOR $25.00
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th wedding
anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the
hotel casino to register at the front desk, a young woman
dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George
brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and
you were so rude to her."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you, dear. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it," insisted George.
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked
'Bambi' to come up to room 1217. When he hung up the
phone, he said, "Now, Harriet, you hide in the bathroom with
the door open just enough so you can hear us."
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened the
door and in walked Bambi, her hips swirling provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
"$125! I was thinking more like $25."
Bambi laughed, "You must be crazy if you think you can buy
sex for that price."
"Well," said George, as he walked he to the door, "I guess
we can't do business..."
As soon as she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and
remarked, "I just can't believe it! Never in a million years
would I have believed she was a hooker. But you were
right, dear."
Later that evening, while George and Harriet sipped cocktails
at the hotel casino bar, Bambi appeared and approached the
two of them. She pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what
you get for $25 mister!"
REMEMBER THIS!!!!
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze
up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.
The moral of the story is:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
HELLO SON
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It's opened by a little ten year-old Johnny who has a lighted
cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse
magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little Johnny: "What the fuck do you think?"
Update Date May 4, 2000
B E T
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like
each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30
degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do
because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on
the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.
After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What
are you doing?" Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you
will only freeze your ass off." Bob refused as he wanted to
win the bet.
Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is
looking the other way." Bob's Wife put on the same kind of
pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.
Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him,
"What are you doing?"
Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"
"You are crazy. Come on in."
"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his
balls half an hour ago!"
Two Holes
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married
she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of
her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after
making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she
let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
whistle!"
TEN MINUTE NAP
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the
assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to
Manny about his sexual endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"
"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then
I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love
to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her
again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll
tell you."
"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to
her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time,
then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to
the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years
and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes
against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the fuck were you on
Tuesday and Wednesday?
RED EYES
Braisco had just returned from a week long seminar.
His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked
if was sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said Braisco, "I met this blonde and turned out
she was a salesrep-in-training and wanted me to tutor
her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in
her room having wild sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue,
but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said Braisco, "turns out she was married and had
a child at home. She started crying with remorse, and
I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I
cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended
Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said Braisco, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5
times a day for four days and not look like this."
Update Date May 5, 2000
LUNCH TIME
The man was seated in the cafeteria when a woman and her two children
sat down nearby and began to eat. Suddenly the man belched.
"Sir," said the woman haughtily, "Are you in the habit of doing that
before YOUR children?"
"Well, I'll tell you, ma'am," he replied. "There are no rules in my
house. Sometimes I go first, sometimes they go first."
THE SUGGESTION BOX
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a
suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was
a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said
"Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal
secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and
longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a
holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's
Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed
around here . . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
SCIENCE CLASS
A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked
if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit
surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother
was too old to have babies.
"So what about my mother?" asked the girl. The teacher said
that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting
too old to be having babies as well.
"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.
"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."
"See!" said a voice from the back of the classroom, "I told
YOU you didn't have anything to worry about."
DIAL AND DRIVE
As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate,
his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
him, "George, honey, I just heard on the news that
there's some maniac in a car going the wrong way on
95... Please be careful!"
"Heck, Louise," said George, "It's not just one car.
There's hundreds of them!"
THREE WISHES
This guy was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp (what
a surprise). He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out (ohh,
another big surprise). The genie told him he would grant the man
three wishes.
"First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."
POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his checkbook balance.
"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."
POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.
"Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
REST EASY
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found
absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and
then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure
your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your
troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses
to sleep alone."
TRY TRY TRY AGAIN
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small
boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to
reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves
closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow
and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and
gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!!
Update Date May 6, 2000
CROSSWORD PUZZLE
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the
Pope was on the same flight. This is exciting, thought the gentleman.
I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see
him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat
next to him for the flight.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly
after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is just
fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords.
Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse
me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends
in 'u-n-t'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. My goodness, thought the gentleman, I
can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought
for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman
said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course, of course" said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
PLEASURE
The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her
students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments
of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an
hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but
how do you make it last an hour?"
GEORGE CARLIN
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in
there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check
when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw
this away for me,please? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walked off).
That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but
it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes:
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'. I'm not
making fun of it You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out there entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of
it?
A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age
home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go
to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high
school. go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as a orgasm.
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards
for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I
taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know".
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone)
I DON'T KNOW!
(hangs up,looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex
girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'"
Beep." "Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
A LITTLE DIFFERENT
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on
top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES......$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told
them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a
sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,
"Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."
So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the
area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a
large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up
with them when he noticed the new sign which
read...
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00."
Update Date May 7, 2000
WHO SAID THAT!!!!
There was a school in South Texas where there are very few white
kids, mostly Mexican. The teacher asked for the kids to identify some
famous quotes. She asked, "Who said 'ask not what your country can do
for you, ask what you can do for your country'?" Lil' Johnny raised
his hand, but she called on Maria, who answered, "John F Kennedy."
Then she asked, "Who said, 'I have a dream'..."? Lil' Johnny raised
his hands, both of them, and waved them around, but she called on
Juan, who said, "Martin Luther King."
This continued with quotes from F.D.R., and Winston Churchill,
right on down the list. Towards the end, Lil' Johnny, sitting in the
back of the room, was standing on his desk, jumping up and down, but
she still didn't call on him.
Finally the bell rang, and in the confusion and noise of the kids
pushing out, a voice from the back of the room yelled, "To hell with
all those fuckin' Mexicans!"
The teacher hollered, "WHO SAID THAT?" Lil' Johnny replied, "Davy
Crockett - at the Alamo."
TWIST OF FATE
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's
hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a
fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first
couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger
window.
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you
remember me?" he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves.
As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and
looks over at Hillary.
"You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had
married him, "he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies,
"Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President.
HITTING THE LAKE
Earlier this year, on Lake Washington, located adjacent to Seattle,
Washington, a fellow new to boating was having a problem. No matter how
hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner to
perform. It wouldn't "plane" at all, and was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power he applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, he putted into a nearby marina. Maybe they could
tell him what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to
check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. And
no, he wasn't a blonde.
GOOD, BAD, & QUESTIONABLE
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated
some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from
his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
after all,... this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All of
her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful
beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him
for what he did. She said,
"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied,
"Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother
comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
CREATIVE RIBS
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Update Date May 8, 2000
LEROY
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked
her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,"
she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in
from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come
running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
COLLAR
An Elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully
and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage
and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she
doesn't get them mixed up gain, she cuts out a ring from a piece of
cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes
one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says,
"I see she caught YOU at it, too...."
SOBRIETY TEST
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes
in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first
three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand,
underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the
breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take,
and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test
they're giving now."
Update Date May 9, 2000
A GOOD LAUGH
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to
see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a
laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the
father of THREE children.".
. The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think.
AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon,
when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his
trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do
that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That
turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The
crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these
years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
. "Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
YIPPEE YUPPIE
A yuppie in 'Miami' opened the door of his BMW, when
suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off
completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie
was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious
BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!", he
whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me
sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your
stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm
was ripped off!".
. "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing
the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,
"Where's my Rolex?!!"
Update Date May 10, 2000
CAR REPAIR IN A HURRY
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car.
Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a
little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was
a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my
tires."
CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON
Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with
a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was
obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his
father was patching him up, he asked his son what
happened.
"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel.
And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
WHICH CAR IS IT?
Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.
The French Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at
the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent.
"Quattro means 4!"
"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"
"He can't come.
He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."
Update Date May 11, 2000
KILLER PERFORMANCE
When the orchestra began playing Tschaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet
overture, a woman noticed tears beginning to run down the
cheeks of the elderly man she was seated next to. Before long
He was sobbing outright, so she turned to him and said
gently, "You must be an incurable romantic."
"Not at all," he gulped. "I’m a musician."
TOP THIS!!
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10
bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill
and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy
back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a
$50 bill and called the guy over, and licked the bill.
I was worried about the way things were going, but fortunately she just
stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy
gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy
was egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then
the banker in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack
of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
NEVER ARGUE
A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press
conference to the assembled media.
"Excuse me, sir," on of the reporters said, "but how did you come to
live to 150?
"It's actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue."
"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else,
like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you
alive for 150 years!"
The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.
"Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right."
WHICH ONE?
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his
girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs
of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back
with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others."
Update Date May 12, 2000
SWEET REVENGE
A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off
his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
round-trip ticket -- if he could just get to the airport he could get himself
home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the
driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers
license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabby said, 'If you
don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!' So the businessman
was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty
good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride
back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long
line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was d
own on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make
the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, 'How much for a ride to the
airport,' he asked? 'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply. 'And how much for you to
give me a blow-job on the way?' 'What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab.'
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the
same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the
back of the line, he got in and asked 'How much for a ride to the airport?'
The cabby replied 'fifteen bucks.' The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
MY REPORT!!!
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
'Need some help?', a secretary, walking by, asked.
'Yes,' he replied, 'how does this thing work?'
'Simple,' she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it
into the shredder.
'Thanks, but where do the copies come out?'
MONEY MONEY MONEY..
On an answering machine...
'Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.'
RHYME TIME
There was a farmer that was waiting by the door with his three daughters for
their dates to pick them up. The first guy got there and said 'Hi. My name's Joe,
I'm here to pick up Flo, and take her to the show.' So the farmer excused them and
let them go.
The second guy showed up a few minutes later. The farmer answered the door and the
guy said 'Hi. My name's Freddie, I'm here to pick up Betty and take her out for s
paghetti.' The farmer excused them and let them go.
The third, and final, guy showed up and the farmer answered the door.
He said 'Hi. My name's Chuck.' And the farmer took out his shotgun
and shot him.
Update Date May 13, 2000
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what
was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have
cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on
Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
INSTANT MESSAGE ON MOTHER'S DAY
A man walked into a computer info sending and receiving center
and said, "I want to send my mom the perfect Mother's Day gift
message. I want to send a message that will let her know just
what kind of love and appreciation I have for her."
The clerk said, "Nice idea; do you have something specific in
mind or would you like one of the associates to help you write
a special message?"
"Oh no, after all those years of taking care of me, all the
advice and help she's given me since I've been out on my own,
never a week going by without her telling me just how to deal
with every situation I've ever had to face, I know the perfect
gift to tell her just how I feel about her, and I'd like to make
sure it is sent to all five of her business computers, as well
as her personal home computer and her laptop."
"We can surely help you with that," the clerk replied. "What
is the message you'd like to send?"
"The I Love You Virus!"
SNOW CLUE
Al and Tipper Gore were sitting down to their usual cup of
morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over
the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and
a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars
on the odd numbered side of the streets." Al got up from his
coffee and said, "Well, okay."
Two days later, they were again sitting down with their cups
of morning coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will
be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side
of the streets." Al got up from his coffee and said, "Well,
okay."
Three days later, they were drinking their coffee and the
weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow
today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park
your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Al didn't
get the rest of the instructions. He said to Tipper, "What am
I going to do now, Tipper?" Tipper replied, "Oh, Al, just leave
the car in the garage."
Update Date May 14, 2000
LEARNING TO COUNT
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
TEACHER KNOWS BEST
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day
he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said., "I don't want to
scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better
grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."
EXCUSES, EXCUSES
I was driving home yesterday and going 20 mph above the
speed limit. Sure enough, there was a police car with its
red lights on behind me soon enough. I had some liquid
courage in me so I think: "I can outrun this guy," and floor
it. Going 70, 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. Finally, as the
speedometer passes 110, I figured "what the heck," give up
and pull over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser, approaches the
car, leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really
lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse
and I'll let you go. But it better be good, you were going
well over 100."
I though for a moment and than said: "Officer, three weeks
ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your
cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that guy
and you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"
CHELSEA
Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for
the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter
and pressed her for information about college.
"So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.
Chelsea nodded vigorously.
"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.
Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's
activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with these boys?"
Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened,
stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."
BLOND RENTS VIDEO
A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before
-- rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store
and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds
very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but
static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's
nothing on the tape but static."
The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some
of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."
Update Date May 15, 2000
A PERFECT CRIME
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning
the crime, getting in and out past security, he was
captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out
of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and
otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious
error...
... He replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."...
DINNER FOR 3
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table
a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing
sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman
acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all
the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order,
she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon
me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the
table.".
. The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No
he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
HOSPITAL HUMOR
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the
children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward
for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here?
Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
Update Date May 16, 2000
George Carlin Again
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get
kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You
work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do
drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.
-- George Carlin
SHE'S A VIRGIN
An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes
approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said,
"And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?"
"I am," was her demure reply.
Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St.
Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later
the angel returned.
"She's a virgin," the angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform
you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and
faced the girl. "Well, miss, we're going to admit you. What is
your name?"
She replied sweetly, "Snow White."
GO
I go fishing, I catch nothing.
I go to orgies, I catch everything.
Go figure.
Update Date May 17, 2000
ON DUTY
I'm a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential
areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a
driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.
He stopped and sat just out of arm's reach. No matter how much I tried
to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge.
After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of
the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the dog's
stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I'd been parked on and
dutifully ran back to his master.
LET THE SALESMEN BEWARE...
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in
his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models,
but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation
and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a
hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords,
he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the
chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the
man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut
all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets
up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall,
and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would
cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this
saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and
explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes
the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds,
"What's that noise?
GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT?
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile
bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of
deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to
the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the
verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict
slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs
the foreman,
"Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank
robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of
the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions
of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and
asks,
"So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered
look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the
money back?"
QOUTES FOR THE DAY!!
Beware of the lollipop of addiction...... Lick once and
you suck forever."
_________________________________________________________
Life's tough, It's tougher if you're stupid....
Update Date May 18, 2000
MONKEY BUSINESS
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. Suddenly,
the monkey leaps off, runs down the bar to where a gentleman is
drinking a martini, reaches into the glass, grabs the olive and
swallows it. The monkey runs farther down the bar to where a lady
is drinking a cocktail, plunges his arm into the drink, grabs the
cherry from the glass and swallows it. The simian then jumps
across to the pool table, picks up the cue ball, looks at it for
a moment, then swallows it, too. The bartender is furious and
demands that the beast's owner pay for the drinks and the cue
ball. The owner pays up and leaves. Three weeks later, man and
monkey return to the bar. Again, the monkey jumps off his shoulder,
runs down the bar to where a gentleman is drinking a martini,
reaches into the glass and grabs the olive. The monkey sticks the
olive up his bum, trumps it back out into his hand and then
swallows it. The monkey then runs farther down the bar to where a
lady is drinking a cocktail, plunges his arm into the drink, grabs
the cherry off the bottom of the glass. The monkey sticks the cherry
up his bum, trumps it back out into his hand and then swallows it.
The bar tender looks at the monkey's owner and says: "That is the
most disgusting thing that I have ever seen." The owner replies,
shaking his head: "Ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures
everything."
A NEW KINDA GUY OR MAYBE NOT
Heard about those new ultra-sensitive condoms?
They hang around and talk to the lady the morning after!
WORKS ALL THE TIME
Two Texans were having the blue-plate special at their favourite
watering hole when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned
around to see a lady a few bar stools down turning blue from wolfing
down an Armadillo burger too fast. The first Texan said to the other:
"Think we ought to help?" "Yep," said the second Texan. The first
Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked: "Can you breathe?"
She shook her head no. "Can you speak?" he asked. She shook her head
no again. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt
and started to lick her buttocks. She was so shocked, she coughed up
the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first
Texan turned back to his friend and said: "Funny how that Hind Lick
Manoeuvre works every time!"
LOTTERY
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts:
"Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery." The wife says: "Wow!
That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the
mountains?" He says: "I don't care. Just get the hell out."
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY !
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly
as gratifying.
_________________________________________
Ancient love letter from her sweetheart thanking her for
honoring him with her hymen
_________________________________________
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves."
Update Date May 19, 2000
SEVEN YEARS OF MARRIED COLD
1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweete pie, I'm really worried about
those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn
into with all the strep that's been going around.
I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for
a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to
bring
you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head
nurse."
2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called
the
doc
and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you.
Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you
need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around
here?"
4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather.
When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you
ought to go to bed yourself!"
5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around
barking like a dog!"
7th year--"For pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me
pneumonia?
You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store.
LOVE LINE
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided
to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read
your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open
palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you
tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
WHAT DOES THE ANIMAL SAY
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.
The mother said, "What does the cow say?"
The child answered, "Moo!"
The mother then said, "Great! What does the cat say?"
The child replied, "Meow."
The mother exclaimed, "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little 3-year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest
voice replied, "Bud."
CRIS--CO
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling
out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I
am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named "Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the
supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."
CORPORATES TALKS
Helping you figure out those slick and glossies from companies
recruiting here are what they actually mean.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself
to your co-workers.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago.
We're just now running the ad.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and,
if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
We have a lot of turnover.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their
weekends on yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control. .
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"
You whine, you're fired.
Update Date May 20, 2000
THE LAW IS BULL
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit
filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing
from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher
claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted
to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace
in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad
pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The
lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the
young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success,
telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man,
but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case.
The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when
the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have
one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I
was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that
darned bull came home this morning."
ST. PETER
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you
ever did anything really bad in
your life, but you never did anything really good either. If
you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on and sure enough,
there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified
young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy
with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs
formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain
off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of
them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!''
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
TAKING A NAP
Question: Why is taking a nap "catching 40 winks?"
==================================================================
The Answer:
This business of napping by the numbers always seemed pretty
curious. Why 40 rather than 9, 11, 17 or 30?
There is a long tradition, starting with the Bible, of using
40 to stand for significant quantities. For example, when
Noah took his boat ride, it rained 40 days and 40 nights.
Moses had spent the same amount of time up on the mountain.
In the Middle Ages an Englishman sure of something would bet
40 pence on it. And so on.
But the phrase 40 winks has a specific rather than general
origin. It comes from an 1872 issue of Punch, the British
humor magazine. Punch referred to the Thirty-nine Articles of
faith of the Church of England, joking that actually reading
through them would induce 40 winks. Call it a yawning gap
between conscience and consciousness.
Update Date May 21, 2000
DANGEROUS
Sven & Olie, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for
the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double
Ferris wheel.
"Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always
vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."
Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so.
Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go
vit me on dat ride."
Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to
admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.
After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster.
"Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine
looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."
"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go
vit me on dat roller coaster."
Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on
the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.
After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump.
"Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole.
Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber
band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun.
Come on, let's go do it."
"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous.
Dis is vare I draw da line."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up
on dat tower and yump off vit me."
"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because
of a broken rubber and, by yimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same
vay."
IN AND OUT
The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20 -- $10
to put it in and $10 to take it out." The boy quickly agreed.
The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her panties
and laid back. The boy slipped in his erection and handed her a $10 bill.
And then, when he was finished, he handed her another $10 and she released
him.
The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed. This time, he handed
her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there. After about 10
minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it out now."
He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any more
money."
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!!
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly
sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly
away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the
ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of
paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.
Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your
son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on
a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."
WITHOUT SIN
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and
approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says
we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the
first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and
knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point
here!"
Update Date May 22, 2000
ONE-LINERS
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are
thunder and lightning.
I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead.
THE YELL
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an
outrageous yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
SUNDAY AT CHURCH
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged
on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
---
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How
do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
---
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service:" And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who
passed trash against us."
---
After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide
that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church
on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun top
stand up and yell than to set down and listen."
---
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time
on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring
their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote,
"Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could
have been there."
THE FLOOD
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the
world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God.
Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all
they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this
year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
Update Date May 23, 2000
LEGAL HUMOR
How does a lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three -- the rest are true stories.
MAKING BABIES
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's
interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
THE MECHANIC
Linda meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the
mechanic.
Linda asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might
try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
Update Date May 24, 2000
KISS
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's
attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they
are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband,
"but I don't know her well enough."
THE DIFFERENCE
Two very nervous men got talking in the doctor's
waiting room. They discovered they had similar
problems; one had a red ring around the base of
his penis and the other one had a green ring.
The fellow with the red ring was seen by the
doctor first. In a few minutes he came out, all
smiles, and said, "Don't worry, it's nothing."
Relived, the second man went into the examining
room, only to be told a few minutes later by the
doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case
of VD. Your penis will have to be amputated."
Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the
first guy... he said it was no big deal!"
"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a
big difference between gangrene and lipstick."
NOT A SIN
The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin
to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
Semen contains minute quantities of more than
thirty elements, such as fructose, ascorbic acid,
cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, urea, uric
acid, sorbitol, pyruvic acid, glutathione, inositol,
lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, various salts,
and enzymes.
Update Date May 25, 2000
20/20 VISION
Little Johnny 's next door neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, they invited
Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new
baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their
son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so
his dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to
the neighbors.
He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any
ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say
one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you
when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little
Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over in the
crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its
mother and said "Oh What a beautiful little baby."
The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and
perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes.
Did his doctor say that he can see good?"
The Mother said, "Why yes, his doctor said he has 20/20
vision."
Little Johnny said "Well, its a darn good thing cause he
sure couldn't wear glasses!"
I CAN SEE
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went only to work to find a
new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was , absolutely
gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while, it
became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly
while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was
nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring
himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the river bank. Lorraine slipped and
fell in to the river,and the current carried her off. The guy stopped
for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.....
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
LOST IN FLIGHT
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.
They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left
behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a
note saying "Much love, Mom."
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited
with its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in
the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight
502, please return to the gate?"
Update Date May 26, 2000
THE LUCKY FROG
A man takes the day off work and decides
to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a
frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to
shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at
the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong,
puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You
must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the
next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game
of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now,
this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after
the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in
the hotel. He sits he frog down and says, "Frog, I
don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into
a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up
in my room. So help me God or my name is not
William Jefferson Clinton."
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
No wonder we think it's evil: the word
"masturbation" comes from a Latin word
meaning "to pollute oneself."
SOMETHING'S WRONG
At the Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher,
finished the day's lesson. It was now time for
the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the
Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt.
"So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey.
"What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"
I REMEMBER
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from
his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed
with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to
drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Update Date May 27, 2000
BILL & HILLARY
Hillary is lying in bed wide-eyed one night, and starts poking Bill in
the back.
"Wake up," she says."
Bill just turns over and groans.
Again, she pokes him the back and says, "Bill, wake up!"
"What do you want?" he grunts in a sleepy voice.
"I'm going to the bathroom," she says
"You woke me up just to tell me your going to the bathroom?"
"No," Hillary says. "I want you to save my place."
CHURCH & KIDS
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged
on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
---
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How
do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
---
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service:" And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who
passed trash against us."
MORE CHURCH & KIDS
After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide
that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church
on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to
stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."
____________________________________
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time
on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring
their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote,
"Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could
have been there."
Update Date May 28, 2000
CAR NAMES
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long
until the conversation got around to their line
of work and what kind of cars they drove.
" I'm a veterinarian", said the first fellow.
"So, naturally, I drive a 'Vet' ".
As they smiled and nodded, the second man said,
"I own a sign company, so I drive a Neon".
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he
was egged on by the other two. "Well", he finally said,
"I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe"
BARTENDER
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he
sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and
asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the
ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be .40
please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and
the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says,
"I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter
again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch,"
says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be .20," says the bartender. Once again, the man
pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the
exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender
asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that
if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the
ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
You heard it here; the word "gymnasium"
comes from the Greek word gymnazein, which
means "to exercise naked."
THE DRUNK
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on
Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand
next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices
the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to
find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water
and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?"
the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least
30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says
in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Update Date May 29, 2000
YOUR WIFE
Two guys walk into a bar scamming for two-legged females.
The first guy says, "Hey, check out the blonde over there.
I'll bet she's really hot in bed!"
He proceeds to go over and make small talk with her. Before
long, they both leave for a one-nighter.
The next day, the two guys meet up and are again scamming
for anything that breathes. The second guy goes over to the
same blonde, pinches her in the rear, and the two were off
for a quickie.
Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and
compares notes with the first guy.
The first guy says, "I think my wife is better."
The second guys nods his head and says, "Yeah, your wife
is better!"
TRIP TO TEXAS
Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her
sorority sisters that she had three goals for her trip the Lone
Star State: she wanted to taste some real Texas barbecue,
she wanted to take in a bona fide Texas rodeo, and she wanted
to have sex with a Texan.
Upon her return, the sorority sisters were curious about how
she had fared.
"Let me tell you," she said, "they have an indigenous bush down
there called Mesquite, and when they slow-cook that brisket over
that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth,
the taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo.
Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real, full-grown bulls
like they do in Spain. Except they ride a horse at full gallop,
throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and
literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the
ground and tie 'em up. And that's not all! It's a race! They
ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!"
"Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love
to a Texan! What happened?"
"Well," Virginia said, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I
was at the rodeo and saw the outline of the condoms in the back
pocket of those Texans' jeans, I changed my mind!"
WILD KID
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered
by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to
try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and
kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his
chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks
quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that
little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that
they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any
flight I choose."
WHISTLE
One day, Jenny (Ziggy's mom) was invited to a big party. Everyone
was going to be there, including boss and coworkers. Ziggy was only
9 years old, so Jenny tried finding him a babysitter. Alas, no one
was available. So Jenny decided to take Ziggy to the party with her.
When they got there, Ziggy ate and ate and drank and drank. He went
up to his mom, who was talking to her boss and other people, and said
in a loud tone, "Mommy, I gotta take a piss!"
Everyone looked at her, including her boss. Jenny took her son to the
bathroom and told him that the next time he needs to use the bathroom
to just say he needs to whistle.
The next day, Ziggy's grandpa came to take Ziggy to Illinois for the
summer. Their train left at 9:00 p.m. In the middle of the night,
Ziggy woke up with a sudden urge to use the bathroom. He was going
to tell his grandpa that he had to piss but then remembered what
his mom had told him.
So he went up to his grandpa and said, "Grandpa, I gotta whistle,
I gotta whistle!"
His grandpa said, "Okay, Okay. You can whistle in my ear, but
not so loud that you wake the other passengers..."
WE DON'T SERVE BEARS
A big brown bear went brambling through the blackberry bushes to
a Boston bar to get a beer.
He went up to the bartender and said, "I'm a big brown bear, and
I've been brambling through the blackberry bushes to this Boston
bar to get a beer."
The bartender said, "I don't care if you're a big brown bear who's
been brambling through the blackberry bushes to this Boston bar to
get a beer. We don't serve bears."
The bear looked around and spotted a beautiful blonde with big
bouncy boobs and said, "I'm a big brown bear, and I've been
brambling through the blackberry bushes to this Boston bar to
get a beer, and if I don't get a beer, I'll eat that beautiful
blonde with big bouncy boobs."
The bartender replied, "I don't care if you're a big brown bear
who's been brambling through the blackberry bushes to this Boston
bar to get a beer, or if you eat that beautiful blonde with big
bouncy boobs. We don't serve bears."
So the big brown bear who went brambling through the blackberry bushes
to a Boston bar to get a beer went up to the beautiful blonde with big
bouncy boobs and ate her.
He went back to the bartender and said, "I'm a big brown bear, and
I've been brambling through the blackberry bushes to this Boston bar
to get a beer, and I just ate that beautiful blonde with big bouncy
boobs, so give me a beer."
The bartender responded, "I guess we could serve bears, but we don't
serve bears on drugs."
"Huh?" said the bear who went brambling through the blackberry bushes
to a Boston bar to get a beer and who ate the beautiful blonde with
big bouncy boobs.
The bartender replied, "That was a barbitchyouate."
Update Date May 30, 2000
DRINK BEER
A herd of buffalo can only move as the slowest buffalo, and when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back, that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the
regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human
brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but
naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells constantly
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The results of
this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the casual
link between all-weekend parties an engineering performance. It also
explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting
married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
alcholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they
achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological
edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Drink
that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you
shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you
can be.
MOURNING
Three travellers came upon an unfamiliar land. Forced to stay in the only
inn available for the night, they were offered three different rooms.
A room with a dog, a room with a cat and a room filled with mosquitoes.
They each took a room. The next morning, they exchanged comments on the
rooms. 'The dog was barking all night long,' the first traveller complained.
'I did not sleep a wink.'
'Mine was no better,' the second added. 'The cat scratched me when I tried
to get it off my back. Just look at the scratches.'
'The mosquitoes were no trouble at all,' the third said. 'I just killed
one of them, and the rest went to the funeral!'
DOG?
A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another
dog owner enter the bar. 'That's a strange looking dog you have there,'
he said.
'Yes, he is rather,' said the newcomer, 'but he's a great fighter.'
'Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here.'
'All right - how much do you wanna bet?'
'Ten dollars.'
'You're on.'
So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled,
battered and bloody, to his master's side.
'I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated,' said the loser's master,
handing over the ten dollars, 'especially by such an odd-looking like yours.'
'Yes, he does look a little peculiar,' agreed the winner's master,
'but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off.'
SACRED WORDS
Harold's new job had him working really hard and late. He thought,'I
should really get my wife a watch dog.' He goes to the pet store and asks
for a doberman. The employee said, 'If its a guard dog you want I have a
dog just for you.'
The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a
little poodle. Harold says, 'This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding,
right?' The employee says, 'No, this dog is special; he knows karate.'
'Karate! I don't believe it,' Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and
says, 'Karate the sign.' And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog
runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee
then says, 'Karate the chair.' And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog
runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. 'I'll take
him,' he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, 'This little thing,
a watch dog? No way.'
Harold says, 'But this dog knows karate.'
'Karate?!' she yells. 'Karate my foot!'
Update Date May 31, 2000
FATHER OF THE BRIDE
n 1984 a Los Angeles businessman, Arnold G. was delighted to
announce his engagement to his girlfriend, Carol. However his
fiancee's father immediately took Arnold to one side and confided
that he was not the girl's natural father. Carol had been conceived
by artificial insemination from donor sperm. When Arnold
discovered the name of the sperm bank, he was appalled: he had
donated sperm there as a student. Arnold immediately obtained
court authority to inspect the sperm bank's records. He discovered
that he was the biological father of 807 children and that one of
these was his fiancee, Carol. The dismayed couple's engagement
was immediately broken off.
HAM AND EGGS
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday,
one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully
each day before ordering.
One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be
made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she
marked out the ham and eggs entry.
Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few
minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you
notice that I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well,
then go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
DOGS IN THE PARK
Little Johnny and his dad are walking in the park when they
pass two dogs having intercourse.
"Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" asks Little Johnny
His dad explains, "Well, son, the one on top hurt his foot, and
his friend is carrying him home."
Little Johnny looks back at the dogs and remarks, "Geez, ain't
that just like a friend? You try to help him out and he screws
you every time!"
Update Date June 1, 2000
HEAVY SLEEPER
A New York businessman boarded a train in Albany on his way
to Buffalo. As it was a night train, he took a sleeper car
and gave the porter strict instructions to waken him and put
him off in Buffalo.
"I'm a very heavy sleeper," the passenger said, "and I may
give you a hard time. But whatever you do, make sure to put
me off in Buffalo... even if you have to put me off in my
pajamas."
The next morning, the man woke up to find himself in
Cleveland. He located the porter and chewed him out with some
very abusive language. After the man left, a bystander asked
the porter how he could stand there and take that verbal
abuse.
"That weren't nothin'," the porter replied. "You should've
heard the guy I put off in Buffalo."
TWO NUNS
Two nuns went out of their convent to
sell a bit of religion.One of
them is known as Sister Mathematical
(SM) and the other one is known as Sister
Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they
are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty
eight and a half minutes?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us
in 15 minutes at the most.
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course
is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man
did the only logical
thing.He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he
will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is
split. You go that way and I'll go the this way.
He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister
Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives
at the convent and is worried what has
happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister
Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are
here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The
man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I
started to run as fast as I could and he
started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He
reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I
lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He
pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with
her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down........
(And those of you that thought it would be
dirty, say two 'Hail
Mary's.
JIGSAW PUZZLE
A blonde calls up her best friend (a brunette) one day
because she is very upset.
"I can't get this jigsaw puzzle put together, and I've
been trying for weeks," she cries. "Could you please
come over and help me before I go crazy?"
"What kind of puzzle is it?" asks the brunette.
The blonde says, "Well, there is a rooster on the box,
but there are so many pieces, and it's so confusing.
I just don't know where to start!"
Her friend is the compassionate sort and says,
"I'll be right over."
So off to the blonde's house she goes. When she gets
there, she takes one look at the table and turns to
her friend and says: "Put the Corn Flakes back in
the box."
Update Date June 2, 2000
MILK
Q: Why is breastmilk still best for babies?
A: It's fresh, contains antibodies for protection against infections
besides,it comes in a very attractive container!
Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard.
ROOSTER
A priest lost a rooster, and he asked around...
"Anyone got a cock?" All men stood up.
"No, I mean anyone seen a cock?"
All women stood up.
"No,no anyone seen my cock?" All nuns stood up.
CHICKEN DISH
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food
is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm
afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting
at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the
same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the
house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another
dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks
over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says,
"Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you
whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of
its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break
one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the
bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants,
bends over and says, "Your turn!"
ARMY COOKING
A group of senior citizen ladies were touring a Army base and
=part of the tour included a meal at the chow hall. After
Sergeant Reese showed the ladies the barracks, drilll field,
exercise area, stockade, and the Colonel's and staff offices, it
was off to the mess hall.
After finishing the meal and the Sergeant telling the ladies of
the 25,000 meals served each day, the 12,000 pounds of chicken,
200 pounds of butter, 350 pounds of sugar used each day in meal
preparation and serving, it was off to the kitchen area where the
meals were prepared.
The Sergeant wanted to impress the ladies so he showed all the
stainless steel pots that held 100 pounds of mashed potatoes, the
freezers that were 75 feet long, the dishwashers that had such
hot water that it would kill any germs.
Then off to the baking area where cookies were being made. They
were cut into shapes by an automated cookie-cutter and then put
on a conveyor belt going to the oven. As the belt took the
morsels toward the oven, a big soldier who was shirtless would
pick up each cookie, press it to his belly-button and then put it
back on the conveyor. One of the ladies asked why he was doing
that procedure. To that the Sergeant said he was doing that to
make designs on the cookies.
d
Then the same lady said, "isn't that awfully unsanitary?"
To that he answered "Lady, you should have been here yesterday
when we were making donuts!"
Update Date June 3, 2000
LEFT OVER
For CurlyDavid's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home
from work.
After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap
herself in Saran Wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon CurlyDavid enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife
say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick
peek, he immediately says, "Leftovers again!"
GOOD AND BAD NEWS
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display at
that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the
owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman
inquired about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death."
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
QOUTE FOR TODAY
Is it my imagination, or do most people meet
the right one after they've married the wrong one?
INSOMNIA
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found
absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and
then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure
your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your
troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man,
"but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
According to a Penthouse survey, more women
complain about infrequent sex than men do.
CROSS
Q: What do you get if you cross an atheist with a
Jehovah's witness?
A: Someone who knocks on you door, but doesn't
have anything to say.
Update Date June 4, 2000
The joys of travelling through Asia ...
This email was nominated "best of 1997". Believe it or not, this actually
happened. A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service,
at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East
Economic Review.
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny] Djewish to oder sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy,pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs... How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem ... crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Santos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "Santos. July Santos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."
RS: "Toes... toes ... Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we bother?"
G: "English muffin!... I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No... just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ...rye?"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome."
Nice expressions to describe dumb people
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the
heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the
way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little
further apart than most.
SPIRIT OF GIVING
Knowing that the minister was very fond of
cherry brandy, one of the church elders
offered to present him with a bottle on one
consideration - that the pastor acknowledge
receipt of the gift in the church paper.
"Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days
later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation"
column. There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown
for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which
it was given."
QOUTE FOR TODAY
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring.
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
The number of sperm that could be fit into an aspirin
capsule would be enough to repopulate the earth to its
present numbers.
IMPRESSED
A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire
department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more
than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested
that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that
the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was
made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle
of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck
and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon
they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze
into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the
volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that
his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he
presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain
what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes
off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get
the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
Update Date June 5, 2000
Communism Vs Capitalism
A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell,
and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to
Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.
Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered
over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was
Rockerfeller, looking bored. 'What's it like in there?'
asked Dave. 'Well,' he replied , 'In Capitalist Hell,
they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock
and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into
small pieces with sharp knives.'
'That's terrible!!' gasped Dave. 'I'm going to check
out Communist Hell!' He went over to Communist Hell,
where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get
in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before
receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way
through to the head of the line, where he found Karl
Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what
Communist Hell was like.
'In Communist Hell,' said Marx impatiently, 'they flay
you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let
vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small
pieces with sharp knives.'
'But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!'
protested Dave.
'True,' sighed Marx, 'but sometimes we don't have oil,
sometimes we don't have knives ...'
Believe It Or Not
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of
traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible
along with her to read and it helped relax her.
Once she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull
out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to
what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked,
'You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?'
The lady replied, 'Of course I do it is the Bible.'
He said, 'Well what about that guy that was swallowed by
that whale?'
She replied, 'Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.'
He asked, 'Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time
inside the whale?'
The lady said, 'Well I don't really know I guess when I get
to heaven I will ask him.'
'What if he isn't in heaven?' the man asked sarcastically.
'Then you can ask him,' replied the lady.
I Don't Believe
A man fell off a cliff and grabbed the only branch on the side
of the cliff. Looking down he saw it was 100' to the bottom.
Looking up he saw no way back to the top. He started yelling,
'Hello, hello. Anybody up there. Help, help!' After yelling
for about 30 minutes he heard no response and began to despair.
Just them a large, black cloud formed over his location and a
sudden bolt of lightning flashed close to him. He then heard a
very deep voice coming from the cloud, 'Do you believe?'
'Oh yes, I believe.'
'Do you really believe?'
'Oh yes, yes, yes, I really believe!'
'If you believe, let go.'
The man looked down, then the looked up and started yelling,
'Hello, hello, anybody else up there?'
Update Date June 6, 2000
THE JOB INTERVIEW
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young
Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation,
14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to
50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
NAMING NAMES
Three woman and their children were outside
their psychiatrist's office. The doctor
was able to diagnose their complaints after
asking the patient a few questions.
The first woman went in and the doctor asked
her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam,
all you ever think is food! That is why you
named you daughter Candy!"
"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely
right!"
Then it was the second woman's turn. She got
the same treatment and the doctor pronounced:
"Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of
money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"
"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman
and left.
The third woman, who had been listening to all this,
got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't
believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"
Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said:
"Let's go home now Dick."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE...
... Your accountants letter of resignation is
postmarked Zurich.
... Your suggestion box starts ticking.
... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1,
the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
... You make more than you ever made, owe more
than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
... You see your wife and your girlfriend having
lunch together.
... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
PHRASE FOR TODAY
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
Technically, there are really not fifty states in
the United States, but only forty-six.
The reason is that four states legally call themselves,
not states, but commonwealths.
Those four are Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania,
and Virginia.
THE PROBLEM
"My stomach has been bothering me,
Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."
"Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor.
"Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?"
"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for
breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch,
blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple
and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," said the doctor.
"You haven't been getting any greens!"
Update Date June 7, 2000
NEW BOOTS
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted
an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale
one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So,
do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and
comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,
"Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down
yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's
looking at my new boots!!"
Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts,
I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker an cheaper than a doctor." "Simply put in a sample of your
urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what
you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing
to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug
store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of
paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this
new technology was and how it would change medical
science forever, he began to wonder if
this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it
a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample
from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
again made the usual noise and printed out the following
message:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you dont stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.
Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself,
she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying
on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke
down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife
and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful
aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could
walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in
and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings
of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time
he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise
for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and
led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him
promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned,
and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he
seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and
let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had
a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the
air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the
windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like
this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with
his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his
napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked
in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Update Date June 8, 2000
HALF PARTNER
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said
the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a
50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the
factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand
the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-
owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories
and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"
A LIST OF VERY SHORT BOOKS:
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book
SCHEDULES
On a recent trip to New York, there was a one of those
small info signs on the check-in desk. It said: Breakfast 6-10;
Lunch 11-3; Dinner 4-11.
A blonde took one look at that and said "How in the world are we gonna
do any sight-seeing ? We'll be so busy eating, we won't have time
for anything else."
Update Date June 9, 2000
STUDY RESULT
The National Transportation Safety Board recently
divulged they had covertly funded a project with
the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby
the auto makers were installing black boxes in
four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to
determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances
in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states
the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal
crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and
Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the
final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
THE MEDICAL EXAMINER
It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the
court in the small town, and if found guilty, the defendant
would spend the rest of his life behind bars.
The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though
there was no direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was
quote compelling.
The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the
minds of the jurors. His only hope was to attack the
testimony of the medical examiner.
Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you
check his pulse"?
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was
still alive prior to declaring him dead?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to
declaring the victim dead that, in fact, he may have been
alive and that it was your negligence that caused the death?"
Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I
suppose he could have been out practicing law."
TOTALLY WORTHLESS DATA
Women who are housewives are as a whole more faithful
than working women.
If kept in a billfold, a condom usually loses its ability to
protect after about a month, due to the body heat breaking
the rubber down.
DAD
The policeman was walking his beat when he saw two men
fighting and a little boy standing alongside them crying,
"Daddy, Daddy!"
The officer pulled the two men apart and, turning to the boy,
asked, "Which one is your father, lad?"
"I don't know," the boy said, rubbing tears from his eyes.
"That's what they're fighting about!"
Update Date June 10, 2000
LOCKED IN CAR
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's
low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping
her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So
when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a
hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes
later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and
around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little
more to the left...a little more to the right!..."
THE CONVICT
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple
who had been sleeping in the bedroom there. As soon as he had a
chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, who was
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey,
this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go
along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved
you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you
are really cute!"
WILD KID
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered
by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to
try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and
kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his
chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks
quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little
boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that
they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight
I choose."
Update Date June 11, 2000
SENIORITY
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and
decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one,
he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he inquired.
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued throughout the night until finally he reached a
brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the
night," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, ...gesturing to an
unattractive old woman in the corner, " ...but Bertha here has
seniority!"
SMELLY HAIR
Smelly Hair
One day a man went up to a shop assistant and said your hair smells lovely.
The assistant decided to tell this to the manager and said "I've been
sexually harrased" the manager wanted to know what happened so she
told him that a customer had said to her "Your hair smells lovely.
" The manager, suprised said " What is wrong with that it is a compliment"
The woman replied by