Just Jokes - Continued
Jokes from March 17 to April 30, 2000
Update Date March 17, 2000 - St. Patrick's Day
BEER, MY FRIEND, YOUR FRIEND, EVERYONE'S FRIEND
A Green Beer for me, A green beer for you
First I'll have one, then I'll have two
After three or more, I'll find me a whore
I'll drink till I'm drunk, and I'll even have more
Then'll be four, I'll hit all the bars
I'll fondle some titties(Probaby will then see some stars)
I'll get up and dance, I'll get down and dirty
Then I'll hit on a fat lady 'cause, "Damn she looks purdy"
Then will be five, I'll get into a fight
St Pattys day won't be the same, less I stay up all night
After my sixth I'll have my first Pee
Careful cuz the wench in the corners looking good to me.
Seven, then eight, nine and then ten
The drinking don't stop till the puking begins
I'll get really tired, be ready for bed
Then fall on the toilet and bang up my head
There I will stay till the sun comes up
My friends will all tell me, "Man you were fucked up!"
Fuck you!" I say, "I had a good time."
Until I got naked for quarters and dimes."
Even that was fun," I'll say with a sneer.
Thanks to my friend, that case of Green beer
I had lots of fun
I had sex and didn't have to pay
Fuckin A, can't wait till tonight Cuz it's
Happy St. Patrick's Day
Hubby: "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the
Wife: "When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Hubby: "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you."
Wife: "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other
problem can there be greater than this one?'"
that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
that when you're in love, it shows.
that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most
peaceful feelings in the world.
that being kind is more important than being right.
that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to
help him in some other way.
Update Date March 18, 2000
Curly David finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot
"Slow down, baby." she said. "Foreplay is an art."
"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because
I'm about to spill my paint!"
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." -Ellen DeGeneres
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." -Rita
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait." -A. Whitney Brown
The following words were chosen by drivers in the
summaries purportedly submitted to police when asked.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
The proximate/indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.
I saw her look twice, she appeared to be making slow progress, then, we
met on impact.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went into the
bush with just his rear-end showing.
I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep and had the
I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
Update Date March 20, 2000
The interviewer examined the job application then turned
to the prospective employee. "I see you have put 'ASAP'
down for the date you are available to start, meaning as
soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put
'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe I've
ever seen that before, what does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
Jon was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Chad, walked over and
asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," Jon replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have
a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Chad said. "Every one has problems with his mother-in-law."
"Yeah," Jon answered. "But not everybody gets her pregnant."
One day a very rich Indian Chief stopped at a hotel in town and asked for a
room. The clerk told him all the rooms were taken.
He agreed to take the Penthouse, picked up the register and signed an "X"
for his name.
The clerk asked him if he would like a little woman with his room. He
said, "Ya, Ya," and picked up the register again.
He erased the "X" and put down a "Y."
The clerk asked the reason for the signature change.
"Never use right name with little woman in room," he said.
25 YEARS AGO
How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer
Joe Brown's broken leg.
"Well Doc," said farmer Brown, "It's like this. Twenty-five
years ago ..."
"Never mind what happened twenty-five years ago, Joe," interrupted
the doctor, "How did you break your leg this morning?"
"Like I was sayin', Doc, it was twenty-five years ago, and I was
hired for doin' chores at Ol' Man Hanley's place. I finished my
work, and as I'm gettin' into bed, his daughter comes in, asks if
everything's alright. I said, yup, everything's fine. She said,
'Is there anything I can do for you?' I said, no, I reckon I'm
fine. She asked me, 'Are you sure there ain't nothin' I can do for
you?' I said 'Well, I reckon not.' And she left."
"Joe, that's a good story," said the doctor, "but what does that
have to do with breaking your leg this morning?"
"Well, as I was fixin' the barn, I figured out what she was talkin'
about and fell off the roof."
HUSBAND AND WIFE MEMOS
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
1. The sheets are clean 54 times
2. It is too late 17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day 49 times
4. It is too early 20 times
5. It is too hot 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us 3 times
8. Headache 22 times
9. Sunburn 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us 9 times
11. Not in the mood 43 times
12. You will wake the baby 17 times
13. Watching the late show 6 times
14. New Hairdo 5 times
15. Too sore 16 times
16. Wrong time of month 36 times
17. Have to get up early 19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory. Two
times you just laid there. Four times you reminded me that there was a
crack in the ceiling. Three times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with. Two times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and
once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,
I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real
reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat 15 times
2. Did not come home at all 36 times
3. Did not come 21 times
4. Came too soon 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in 33 times
6. Toes cramped 10 times
7. Working too late 38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper 4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running 3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book 16 times
15. Watching football on TV 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up 10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.
What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you
felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!
Update Date March 21, 2000
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
CHECK ME OUT!!
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed
for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his
back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down,
smiled and said, "Not bad."
SOMETHING NICE TO SAY
When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.
"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."
Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"
As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers' lane, she sighed
"It's lovely out here tonight. Just listen to the crickets."
"Those aren't crickets," her date replied. "They're zippers."
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her
husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes
and started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife,
"Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on
My husband and I were having serious difficulties in our marriage.
He came home from work one day, and he said, "We need to talk, our
sex life is in a lot of trouble."
I replied, "Yes it is."
He said to me, "Please, tell me all your sexual fantasies."
And my answer to him was, "Why, you're not in any of them."
With that we went to divorce court.
Mario goes to see a psychiatrist to complain about his oversexed
girlfriend. Mario confides to the shrink, " My Esther will stop
at nothing to satisfy her lustful, kinky desires and bottomless
sexual cravings. What can I do?"
The psychiatrist says, "Tell her to make an appointment with
DRAW A LINE
Jim and Jill meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted
to each other.
They party all night and at the end decide to go back to Jim's
place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to
make out. When the time is right, Jill finds the bedroom, gets
undressed and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for Jim who
is now coming out of the bathroom. Then Jim walks in, starts to
undress and stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his
pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to Jill.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for ....are you
some kinda pervert?"
He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She
smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his
penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw a line
A kid and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each other.
"Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks the kid.
"Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated."
"Okay, I've understood."
"What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically.
"Never relax in your life, dad, or you'll get fucked like a dog!"
Update Date March 22, 2000
EAGLES LOOKING FOR LOVE
Eagles mate for life, so this near-sighted eagle goes out to look for a
mate. He finds a Dove. They go back to his nest and they make love. It
was fantastic sex.but all night long this dove says "I'm a dove, let's
make love. I'm a dove, let's make love." Well the eagle just can't
take this for the rest of his life so next morning he kicks her out of
his nest. Then on for the quest of another mate. He runs into a wren.
He takes her back to his nest and makes love to her. Again fantastic
sex but all night long this wren says "I'm a wren let's do it again.
I'm a wren let's do it again." Well the eagle is getting really
irritated so next morning he kicks her out of the nest.......Being very
cautious (he thinks) he goes out to look for another mate.....He finds
the perfect mate:::::a Duck. So again he takes her to his nest and
makes love to her. You'll never guess what this duck said all night
"I'm a drake you made a mistake. I'm a drake you made a mistake"
(A drake being a male duck!)
NUN AT ALL
Not long after his marriage, Joe Jr and his father Joe Sr,
met for lunch. "Well, son," asked Joe Sr, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Joe Jr. "None in the morning, none at night,
and none at all unless I beg!"
Joe Sr nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Joe Sr, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior
to set two extra plates."
WHY IT DIDN'T LAST
She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."
He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."
She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."
He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother
She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."
He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."
She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
Have your mom walk in on you masturbating
Walk in on your mom masturbating
Your best friend calls with news.
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
She told you your husband is cheating
She told you your husband knows you're cheating
You've had a your tubes tied.
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
Find condoms in your husband's pants pocket
Find a letter from the health dept. regarding AIDS test in his
Your dog's been hit by a car.
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
Pay hundreds of dollars in vet bills
Get a new puppy and go through housetraining again
Your toilet is clogged.
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
Pay a plumber
Let your husband "rig up something for now"
Your mother in law is coming for a visit.
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
Endure the visit
Have a coyote chew your leg off
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
Accidentally catch your Dad trying on women's underwear
accidentally walk in on your Mom going at it with a dildo?
WOULD YOU RATHER......
Get behind Rosie O'Donnell in the buffet line
Get in her way on the way to the buffet line
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
Find out you're dating O.J. Simpson's ex-girlfriend
Find out you're dating Magic Johnson's ex-girlfriend
WOULD YOU RATHER.....
Have your daughter come home and say "I'd like you to meet my new date Bill
Have your son come home and say "I'd like you to meet my new date Monica
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were
promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Update Date March 23, 2000
The only tools one needs in life: WD-40 to make things
go and duct tape to make them stop.
Never do cards tricks for the group you play poker with.
Remember when the "Six Million Dollar Man" sounded expensive?
If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.
Maybe now they will change the name of "Who Wants to
Marry a Millionnaire" to "Can't Buy me Love."
The lady that spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonald's is
now suing Walmart. She bought a Dale Earnhardt jacket and
hit the wall four times before she got out the door.
Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert impersonator.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
9. an unprogrammable animal.
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
"Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick
themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened."
How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those
who are wise and of good will.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be
blamed on somebody else.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
satisfying as an income tax refund.
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl,
and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties. He
looks between her legs, and he says,
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, `your lower mouth'?"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a
mustache...it's got lips..." He says, "'as it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always.
Q. What's the definition of a predicament?
A. A real ugly woman, who loves to give blow jobs.
LOVE: When your partner says "Let's make love"
LUST: When your partner says "Let's fuck our brains out"
MARRIAGE: When your partner says "Gimme a break, you want me to do what ?"
Update Date March 24, 2000
You know you've been ON-LINE too long when...
Submitted by Vanni oo of Long Beach, CA
* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy/Mommy's got work to do".
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best veiwed with
Internet Explorer 5.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Submitted by Vani OO of Long Beach, CA
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue
application and leave immediately.*
8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER
mean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother,
father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded
would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A",
discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and
running in a serpentine fashion is advised*
What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best
of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm,
dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be
contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never
apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
TV is a medium where anything well-done is rare.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
The computer life-line 50/50 on the "Millionaire" show is useless.
Wonder why Microsoft support has not sponsored it???
John Rocker gets sent for psychological help for racist comments. Chris
Rock does an hour of them and gets an HBO special to say them to the
When dog food is new and better tasting, who tests it?
New Year's resolution check-up time. How
many of you are still on your diets?
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night,
when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.
You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in
awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your
wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls
of your parents,grandparents, and parents-in-law.
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy
her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He
shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's
her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
Update Date March 25, 2000
She leaves him on the couch when the phone rings and is back
in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said "Where is he?"
"Relax, he'll be late... he's playing poker with you."
An American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman were discussing a good example
"Well," said the American, "if you came home and found your wife in bed with
another man and you didn't kill the son of a bitch, that to me is
"Not quite, chaps," said the Englishman. "If you came home and found your
wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please, sir, carry on,' that's
"Mais non," said the Frenchman. "If you came home and found your wife in bed
with another man and you said, 'Please, sir, carry on' and the man was able
to continue, he's got savoir-faire!"
If there is a man out there who:
isn't a crackhead or crack dealer,
isn't an alcoholic,
doesn't have any kids,
doesn't beat women,
isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad,
isn't a liar,
isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back,
isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex,
doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex,
likes having sex,
CAN have sex,
... is not:
has a court date pending,
... isn't a
member of the military,
bible boy, or
a pompous ass.
What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out there, if
you exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on men.
"How about us spending the weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" Myrddin whispered
in Jill's ear.
"I'm afraid," Jill said,"that my awareness of your proclivities in the
esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic
"I don't get it." Myrddin said.
"That's exactly right!!" Jill replied
Persuasion was necessary, but the amorous swain had finally gotten his
girlfriend between the sheets. In due course he made love to her, finally
burying his sword in her sheath and beginning to screw away.
"Be careful," she panted. "I think I have a weak heart."
"Don't worry," he said, without missing a stroke. "I'll take it very easy
when I get up to the heart!"
Update Date March 26, 2000
ADAM & EVE
It seems that due to translations over the years, the story of Adam and Eve
could have been mis-interpreted ... it was actually Eve that God created
first. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit. How's it going,
Eve?" he asked.
"It is all so beautiful God, the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the
smells, the grandeur are just so wonderful, but I have this problem with
these three breasts of mine. You see, the middle one pushes out the other
two and I am constantly catching them on branches and it is basically a
nuisance!" reported Eve.
God replied, "Well, that's a good point, but hey, it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured halve it,
but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So God
reached down and ripped that middle breast right out of there and tossed it
into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, how is my favorite creation?" he asked.
"Just fantastic!" she replied. "But for one small oversight on your part
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, and the cow
has her bull, all the animals have a mate except for me, and I feel very
"Oh my! You're so right! How could I have overlooked this! You do need a
mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now let's
see......... Where did I leave that useless boob?"
TO: All Salaried Staff
FROM: The Board
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we
have been forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to go on an early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who will
represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately. The program will be known as Retired Aged People Early
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company, and provided that they are being RAPED, they can
request a review of their employment records before actual retirement
takes place. This phase of the operation is called Survey of Capabilities
of Retired Early Workers Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management. This will be known as Study of Higher Authority Following
Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be
RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled
to receive Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES).
As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received
HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
THINGS TO PONDER
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean
morality comes from morons?
No Matter where you go there you are!
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just
can't remember it all.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's
sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish
always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table.
He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.
When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped,
"I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are
the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."
Update Date March 27, 2000
A LESSON IN CONDOMS
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the
condom aisle. The son asks his father "why there are so many different
boxes of condoms."
The father replies..."well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're
in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "well what's the 6 pack for?" The father
replies, "well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday
night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father "what's the 12 pack is for." The father
replies, "well that's for when you're married. You have one for January,
one for February, one for March......"
Husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her
husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a
few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while".
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the
door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots
downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the
bedroom. Before you look in there, he says, "keep in mind this is the
same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs".
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
Use 'em, Abuse 'em, Confuse 'em, & Lose 'em
THE FINAL EXAM
On the last day of his French class, Professor Martin goes over the final
exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two
parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.
Jill realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't
After class, Jill meets Professor Martin in his office. "Professor
Martin," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the
class and I was hoping you could help me out."
Pretty soon, Jill and the professor are making love in his office.
Afterward, Jill asks "How's my comprehension?"
"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow
"Tomorrow," Professor Martin says "is the oral part of the final exam.
Update Date March 28, 2000
LITTLE AXIOMS OF LIFE
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people
just don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
be misquoted,then used against you.
THINGS TO PONDER
Technology! The gas pumps of today can pump $25 in
the same amount of time it took just last year to pump $12.50.
Sixth Sense gets shut out of the Oscars? I liked it just as
much the 3rd time I saw it. No justice!
A FISH STORY
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles
with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps
them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your
fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
said the Game Warden. The reply, "we aren't fishing. We all have
magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris
off the bottom of the river." Sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden,
"take all the debris you want."and he left. The three
blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said "doesn't
he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
Update Date March 29, 2000
VIAGRA'S GENERIC NAME
Submitted by SALMIED of Harbor City, CA
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name,
Tylenol is Acetaminophen,
Advil is Ibuprofen,
Rogaine is Minoxodil and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra, and announced today that they have settled
Submitted by Chi of Tustin , CA
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud
rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks
over to the old rooster "Ok, old fellow its time to
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these
chickens...look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a
hassle about this.
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take
over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon...just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother
The young rooster says "Scram! Beat it! You're washed
up! I'm taking over."
So, the old rooster says to the young rooster, "I'll
tell you what young fellow. I'll have a race with you
around the farm house. Whoever wins the race gets
domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat
you, old man, so just to be fair I'm going to give
you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house , get a chicken
to cluck "GO" and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off
They round the front of the farm house and the young
rooster is only 5 inches behind the old rooster and
gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks
up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!
He blows the young rooster to bits.
He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay
rooster I bought this week!"
FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
Submitted by Lee
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those evolutionary things that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I
don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it, once.
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to
use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to
another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, "Oh no, it's so
late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She
gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and
then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the Hell have you been?" "Well honey, its like this. I went to
the store like you asked, but they were closed, so I went to the bar to
use the vending machine, I saw this great looking chick there and we had a
few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? let me see your hands!" she sees his hands are covered with
powder and says, "you lying bastard!!! You went bowling again!!!"
Update Date March 30, 2000
A LESSONS FOR CONDOMS
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the
condom aisle. The son asks his father "why there are so many different
boxes of condoms."
The father replies..."well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're
in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "well what's the 6 pack for?" The father
replies, "well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday
night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father "what's the 12 pack is for." The father
replies, "well that's for when you're married. You have one for January,
one for February, one for March......"
There was a 70 year-old guy who had just married a beautiful 25 year old
One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get that gorgeous
woman to marry a 70 year old guy like you?".
The guy leaned over and said to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told
her that I was 90."
Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs. Stanford
Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her
husband's pay check for the first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride
grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back:
"I heartily recommend my husband, Mr.Stanford Summers."
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West
Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce
in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The
mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had
brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked
for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the
mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a
quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to
me or the machine?"
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people
can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking
to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the
ass off his secretary."
Update Date March 31, 2000
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys
a gun. She shows up at his place unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds
him in bed with a redhead. "Well," the blonde is angry; she takes the gun
out of her purse and just then she's overcome with grief at the betrayal.
So she points the gun to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman
"Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says
"Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can
think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
$1200 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day
that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he
went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that
read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife
called, she wants her sign back!"
Update Date April 1, 2000
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on
multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea
to ask a few of the children examples of words with more
than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four
syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large
the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your
four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun lying anymore.
A GREAT CARD
I saw a great card. The picture is of an 80-year-old man
at his wedding to a 30-year-old. Front says, "They say
she married me for my money." Inside says, "Like I care."
Wayne goes to the school therapist. During the
session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex," Wayne replies.
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."
Curly David got busted the other day at work. His boss came over to him
and said "David, you've been looking at porn sites on your computer again
Shocked, David said "What the hell gives you that idea?"
"Well" he said, "The lick marks on your screen for one, and your shorts
around your ankles don't help you much either."
My friend Jill must be a true blonde. She told me she was going
to buy a new car. I asked her what kind, and she replied that
she didn't care, as long as it had a sunroof.
"Why?" I asked her.
"Because," she replied. "I want more leg room."
A LITTLE BOY
One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy answered the
door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house".
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy
replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays
during the rush".
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch".
The little boy said "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on
doors telling folks".
AFTER 50 YEARS
Ah, the good old days. Here are some quotes from people in the US during
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are it's going
to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when
$5,000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a
"The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going
to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside
help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost
50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make impossible to
stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the
"Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is
nothing but racket."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every
movie has a 'hell' or'damn in it."
"Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the
movies. What is this world coming to?"
"Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are
no standards anymore."
"Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man
on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a
year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making
more than the president."
"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, those Hollywood stars seem to be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won't be
to sit down for a week."
"Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to
"Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot
of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people
"Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't
she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a
"I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take
a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt
they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my
"If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's
fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
"I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents,
I'll just have to drink mine at home."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my
wife learn to cut hair."
"We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants
50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
Update Date April 2, 2000
*Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!
*Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
*Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
*Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
*Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
*"Normal": A setting on a washing machine..
*Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
*Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
*Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
*Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head
sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water
and then forcing it through an aviator.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to
live in other places.
Momentum is something you give a person when they
Update Date April 3, 2000
THE DOCTOR ORDERED
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package
basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning,
goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills
are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new
knowledge about English literature!
"Do you have a pill for math?", asks the student.
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back
into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and
plunks it on the counter."I have to take that huge pill for math?"
inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always was a
little hard to swallow."
A guy is driving a truckload of penguins from Florida to the
New York Bronx zoo. He's in Washington and gets in an accident
totaling his truck.
He sees another truck driver at the scene with an empty truck
and says "I'll give you $500 if you help me round up these
penguins and take them to the Bronx zoo for me."
The other driver agrees and takes off for the zoo.
About four hours later, the original truck driver sees the
other truck driver shuffling a couple hundred penguins across
Broadway. He stops him and asks "What happened,
I gave you $500 to take them to the zoo!?"
He replies, "Oh yeah, I took them to the zoo and I had a
little money left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies".
THEATER AND PATRON
A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a
mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome
tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards
him with a quarter.
The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to
whisper to the man, "The Butler did it."
ANOTHER BLOND JOKE
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, 'I'm going to
try to swim to shore.' So she swam out five miles, and got really
tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, 'I wonder if she made it.
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve.' So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, 'I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too.' So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
but she said, 'I'm too tired to go on!' So she swam back.
Update Date April 4, 2000
REUNITED WE STAND
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the
gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you
look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too."
"Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you
won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the
same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says,
"Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house,
Amanpreet asked,"What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys
say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are,
here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."
NEW HOUSE,NEW MADAM
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company
at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to
hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and
said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the
bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the
room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage
daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him
and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could
get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no
clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was
in a quandary as to what to do. Play golf or give the Sunday service.
Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told
him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church
service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf
course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for
what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a
perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the
green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball,
"nothing but net"). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"
Update Date April 5, 2000
SIGNS OF FINE AGE
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
* The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* Your children begin to look middle aged.
* Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
* Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen
in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his
wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a
heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she
drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the
kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set
the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
Young Sammy came prancing into the room and said,
"Papa, may I have another apple?"
His father raised his eyes from his newspaper to
glance sternly at the boy.
"Again an apple?" he demanded. "Listen, where do you think all those
apples come from? You think they grow on trees?"
Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.'
The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door.
But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is under a window, and his is working fine.'
Tech Support: 'OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'
Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'What do you mean?'
Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: 'I'd like a mouse mat, please.'
Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.'
Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to
the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer: 'Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?'
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this:
Customer: 'Hi. Is this the Internet?'
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable
to 'The Internet.'
Customer: 'So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?'
Tech Support: 'Yeah.'
Customer: 'And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?'
Tech Support: 'Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.'
Tech Support: 'All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon.'
Customer: 'That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons --
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.'
Tech Support: 'Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to --'
Customer: 'I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons.'
Tech Support: 'Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?'
Customer: 'My computer crashed!'
Tech Support: 'It crashed?'
Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.'
Tech Support: 'All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.'
Customer: 'No, it didn't crash -- it crashed.'
Tech Support: 'Huh?'
Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work.'
Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.''
Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'
Update Date April 6, 2000
"Commonly Asked Questions About Men...And Their Answers":
Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the
bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.
We're just misunderstood.
Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm
fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability,
we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.
Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old
fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world
Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for
hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the
other hand is a whole other story.
How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing
on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up
by saber toothed tigers, etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern
men are born with this innate ability.
What does it mean when men say "I Love You?
1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
A sailor was talking about the last time he was on leave...
"So it was the first fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped
off my fuckin' uniform at the fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and
picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a fuckin' hotel, laid her
out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse."
Update Date April 7, 2000
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time.
She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she
couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions,
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number
54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer
and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area
and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus
stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but
to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number
54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now.
The 45th bus just went by!"
Three men were deserted on an island and were caught by
cannibals. The cannibal chief tells the three men they are going to
be put on trial, and unless they pass the trial, they would be eaten.
For the first part of the trial, the chief told the three men to go into
the woods and find 10 of the same fruit and bring them back to
the camp. So the three men went into the woods in search of fruit
to complete the first part of the trial.
The first man came back with 10 apples.
The chief explains the second part of the trial to him.
He tells the man to take each piece of fruit he found and
shove it up his butt, but while he is doing this, the man can not
show any type of expression on his face.
The man proceeds with the trial, he gets the first one in and doesn't
express any pain. But once he started with the second,
he cried out in agony. So the cannibals killed him.
The second man comes back with berries.
The chief explains the second part of the trial to the man.
He takes the berries and starts shoving them up his butt
he gets 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8....then bursts out in laughter.
So the cannibals killed him.
The first two men met in heaven and the first man says to
the second man, "you were doing so good and almost got
out of there alive, why did you start laughing?"
The second guy turns to him and replies, "as I was bent over,
I looked over and saw the third man coming back
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the
left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well
the parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it
knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be
told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question
"What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing
but the other two call him boss!"
Update Date April 8, 2000
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed
my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to
feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the
*It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
*The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
*The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.
*When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your
cheek, that's a moray!
*I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
*I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
*Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I
was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh
criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."
"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the
people of America will see just how passionate and alive I
Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper,
"Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."
Update Date April 9, 2000
DIARY OF A VIAGRA HOUSEWIFE
Day 1 -- Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.
Day 2 -- Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent,
he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional
for so long, he even WALKS with a limp!
Day 3 -- This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs you know! Sometimes
I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument
and burst into tears!
Day 4 -- A miracle has happened!! There's an new drug on the market that
will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He asked
me if this time I would say HIS name at the "glorious moment".
Day 5 -- Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is shining, the birds are
singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect.
Day 6 -- Again!
Day 7 -- This Viagra thing is going to his head. (No pun intended)
Yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if
he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one."
Day 8 -- I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead
of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed wacker.
Day 9 -- Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so
much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard
cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do?
Day 10 -- I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with
Black and Decker.
Day 11 -- I wish he was gay. I've bought him 20 Liza Minelli albums and
the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me.
Day 12 -- Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut
my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile!
Day 13 -- I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even
started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on.
Day 14 -- I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill him.
I just worry about one thing-how will they ever get the lid to close on his casket?
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished,
she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased
and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant.
"No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely
She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist's phone
and dialed the private line in the Oval Office. When Bill answered the
phone, she shouted, "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
The president didn't say anything, and she screamed, "Didn't you hear me?
I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
Hesitantly, the president asked, "Um... who IS this?"
I HAVE SINNED
A catholic priest is about to go on holiday, so he tells his assistant
that he will have to take mass on sunday.
"No problem" says the assistant.
The priest tells him that he will have to take confessions as well.
This gets the assistant worried because he's never done it before.
The priest tells him not to worry, he'll leave a list of sins and
punishments in the confessional. The priest goes on holiday and his
assistant is taking his first confessions. a young woman goes in to
confess and says "forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave my married
boss a blow job". The young assistant looks at the list and can't find
blowjob. He bursts out of the confessional and sees a choir boy going past.
"Quick, tell me what the old man gives for a blow job" he says, and
the choir boy answers "a Kitkat usually"
GOING TO HEAVEN
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven
first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind
goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to
believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy
raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first
because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The
teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought,
"I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you
think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and
says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to
heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom
last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said,... 'Oh
God, I'm coming!'"
Update Date April 10, 2000
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife,
but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was
afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy
and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !
A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They
found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile,
they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the
sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got
jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued
her,and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty
soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously
leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
CODE FOR SEX
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one
to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment
to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother
and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let
the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets
married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message,
simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the
Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the
So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a
week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the
Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE,
KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four
weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And mother looks into the
British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: "THREE
TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
Update Date April 11, 2000
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to
Leon, and stated "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to
decide this case strictly on its merits."
One Of America's Dumbest Criminals.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next
to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline
and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed
a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the
couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to get busy, so they got
down to business in the back seat. During the couple's
moment of passion, the cab driver noticed a fork in the road,
and said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine!"
* I feel like I'm in a rut. Every time I go to bed at night, I find
myself just getting up again in the morning. ~~Brad Stine
* I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee and I asked him what
the letters in "Delta" stand for. He said, "Don't Expect Luggage To
* George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
* Half the people you know are below average.
BIBLICAL BUMPER STICKERS
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
The Man with Many Demons: "If you can read this, YOU'RE TOO CLOSE!"
Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
Update Date April 12, 2000
Gary goes to the doctor. He has a string hanging out of his rear.
The doctor says that this is most unusual. "I don't know what to make of it.
I have no diagnosis. Perhaps we should just pull the string and see what
The learned doctor proceeded to pull the string. He pulled and pulled, and
out came a dozen long-stemmed American Beauty roses.
"My God," proclaimed the doctor, "I've never seen that before. Where do you
suppose they came from?"
Gary replied, "I don't know. Is there a card?"
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the
table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of
the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but
scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has
Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures
from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each
picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64,"
One day I spotted a freshman (obviously blonde) looking curiously at the
photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost
by one point?"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage
he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would
you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you
Update Date April 13, 2000
If you have not gone on an all inclusive beach vacation with your
partner in a while, I highly recommend it. Let me tell
you, the sex was so good that even the employees at the resort had
to have a cigarette.
I don't know why people say that when you go on a
cruise , or to an all inclusive resort, you tend to gain weight.
How can you with all the sex you have there. Sex, if you didn't know
it, is the most practical way of losing weight. Look how many
calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her consent..................................18 cal
Without her consent...........................173 cal
Without her consent, being drunk, and finding out its
not your wife...........................................1202 cal
UNCLASPING HER BRA
With one hand.............................................10 cal
From the front with one hand.....................29 cal
With one hand being slapped...................37 cal
With your teeth............................................85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With a hard on........................................6 cal
Without a hard on...............................315 cal
After it is too late................................783 cal
Trying to find the clitoris.................................8 cal
Trying to find G spot.....................................92 cal
While Drunk................................................107 cal
While drunk with her clothes still on..........276 cal
WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up................................................12 cal
Just on the floor................................................8 cal
While drunk with her clothes still on.........1276 cal
Missionary ..............................................22 cal
69 laying..................................................28 cal
69 standing up......................................128 cal
In the pool..............................................216 cal
Doggy Style in the pool........................612 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM
Multiple Fakes..................................................783 cal
Multiple Alternating Fakes & Reals................1023 cal
Multiple Alternating Partners.......................1102 cal
Staying in bed.....................................................18 cal
Jumping off the bed............................................36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed..........816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age..................12 cal
from 20 to 29...................................................36 cal
from 30 to 39.................................................108 cal
from 40 to 49.................................................324 cal
from 50 to 59.................................................972 cal
over 60.........................................................2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Being in a hurry...................................................98 cal
With her husband opening the door.............1218 cal
A generously endowed Jill at a major university, often gets teased by
her sorority sisters for being a size 34 DD. At a fraternity party, she was
asked by a young man what she would like to drink. "Diet soda, please," she
"Oh, you must be the double D." he said.
Jill was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had divulged such
"And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.
Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly answered, "Oh, you
-- the designated driver."
$400.00 a nite
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front
porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she
"I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him
"I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned
to the porch and with his wife. She said
"And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
So which condom would you use?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it?
Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca-Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Update Date April 14, 2000
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday
afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to
the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk
and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found
"Noooo, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are
you sure this is where he fell in?"
I WANT BIG BREASTS
A girl lived in a small town out west. She had a beautiful face, but was
way out of proportion. This girl had a really large ass, but very small
breasts. Knowing there was nothing immediate she could do to reduce her
behind, she decided to do something right away to enlarge her chest.
She went to the doctor to check into a breast enlargement. The doctor
stated that he really had to discourage breast enlargement surgery due to
the many complications that other women were having. The girl stated that
she really wanted to do something to enlarge her chest.
The doctor suggested "Try taking a few pieces of toilet paper and rubbing
in between your breasts 2-3 times a day." She asked "Do you really think
this will make my breasts larger?"
The doctor stated "It worked on your ass, didn't it?"
SEX DRIVE TOO HIGH
"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the
ninety-year old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint -
my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you
lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the
ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and
I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your
car, and you get about the same results!
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he
can tell when he's really in trouble.
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one
day, so I never have to live without you." -Winnie the Pooh
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known
until it be lost." Charles Caleb Colton
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may
not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus.
"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."
"Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."
"Friendship is one mind in two bodies." -Mencius
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." Stone
Q AND A
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Update Date April 15, 2000
The times are changing, as evidenced in this newest rendition of the Lord's
prayer.......hope you have a good & productive day!!
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child
repeated it after the mother. Then one night the
child was ready to solo. The mother listened with
pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to
the end. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver
us some e-mail. Amen."
"THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.... "Just wait until your father
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talkback to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ... "If you fall off that swing and break your
neck, you can't go to thestore with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE.... "If you don't stop crossing your
you're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ... "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me about ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold."
My Mother taught me HUMOR ... "When the lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX... "How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS.... "You're just like your father!"
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.... "Do you think you were born in a
My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my
you will understand."
And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE.... "One day you'll have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like you....thenyou'll see what it's like."
"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me.
You've got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly!"
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep
telling me I'm a whore!"
Update Date April 16, 2000
IT TURNS BLUE
"I think I have a problem, Doc." says the patient, "One of my balls
has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will
die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such
a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how
to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle
must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very reluctant to the
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree
with the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicleless,
he returns to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me.
My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news:
if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not
want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So,
he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"
So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm,
I don't know, could it be the jeans?"
AFTER THE WEDDING
Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning
after their double wedding to their respective elderly wifes.
Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I
couldn't consummate my marriage last night."
"Well, really," says Bob. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even
think of it!"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you
said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Two old women were sitting on a bench talking.
One asked the other: "How's your husband holding up in bed these
The second old woman replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise
"He climbs on and starts pumping away, but we never get anywhere."
I CAN'T SWIM
Bill walks into a bar and sees Myrddin sitting at the end of the bar counter
with a great big smile on his face.
Bill says "Myrddin, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Bill, tits out to
here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have
a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Nill. I turned off the key and I
said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldnt swim, Bill, she couldnt
The next day Bill walks into the bar and sees Myrddin sitting at the end of
bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Bill says "What are you so
happy about today Myrddin?"
"Well Bill... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here,
Bill, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure
can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Bill, way out much
further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either
She couldnt swim!!, Bill, she couldnt swim!!!!."
A couple days pass and Bill walks into the bar and sees Myrddin down there
cryin over a beer.
Bill says "Myrddn, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to
here, Bill, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She
says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat.
"So I took her way out, Bill, way WAY out... much further than the last
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or
swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Bill !!! She had a
great BIG dick!!!
And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM !!!"
Update Date April 17, 2000
Your tongue print is as unique as your fingerprints. So if
you are planning on committing a crime, be sure not to lick
The human body has 45 miles of nerves. That may explain why
so many people tend to get on mine.
At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant
said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim
asked if she could write out the answer, After reading the note the judge
instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it arnong the rest of the
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting
next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you like
you've never been fucked before." The juror smiled at the woman and slipped
the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."
A man, 94 and a woman, 92 got married and went to Atlantic City for their
honeymoon. When they got there, they walked the boardwalk, ate dinner and
went to their room. They got undressed and got into bed. He turned towards
her took her hand in his and that is the way they fell asleep. Four nights
a row that is what they did. On the fifth night they got undressed, got into
bed, he turned to her, took her hand in his and she looked at him and said,
not tonight Dear I have a headache.
LEARNING MEMORY TRICK
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when
one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic
you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc.
It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call
that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money
with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this
in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a
limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had
only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new
baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed anew machine at the
hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I
want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my
personal check for the full $30,000."
Update Date April 18, 2000
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly. "So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with
a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was
obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his
father was patching him up, he asked his son what
"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel.
And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
* A di-agnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
* I asked a girl what her sign was, and she said "Stop".
* A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
* "I don't question YOUR existence." -- God
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
* All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.
* If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
* If they know how many people didn't get counted in the last census,
doesn't that mean they already knew the number of people?
*Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God
pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932
Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about
"He was the original owner"
Update Date April 19, 2000
- submitted by John Q. Public
* What's the difference between the IRS and a proctologist?
Eventually a proctologist gets off your ass.
* The IRS likes people to use the E-Z 1040 form. Under their
system, A-D are automatically withheld from your alphabet.
* This guy walks into the auditor's office, the auditor looks
at him and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat. We already
own a piece of yours."
* What's the difference between an audit and a circumcision?
At a circumcision, they only keep ninety percent.
* On the movie set, the special effects guy is explaining a prop
gun to the famous blond actress. The prop guy says, "For the
last time, if you point this gun and shoot it, no one will get
hurt. It's filled with blanks. When have you ever heard of
anyone getting killed by a blank?" The actress replied, "My
husband, last year, when he filled out our tax forms."
HOW MUCH LONGER?
Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well.
The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back
in. The doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news.
You don't have much time to live." Lou is obviously upset about
this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"
The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning
Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service was
it, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a
small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."
Update Date April 20, 2000
HEARD UP IN THE AIR
Submitted by Jeffrey Russell
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make
the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard and/or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was
Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant
came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here a US Airways."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
Submitted by Jeffrey Russell
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth
guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything
about what you had to do to be able to come golfing
this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I
shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf Course or
Intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater.'
THE WORST AGE
Submitted by GG522 of Texas
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time,
you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're
seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives,
then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee
like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every
morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Update Date April 21, 2000
ALTERNATE SNOW WHITE
One day, the seven dwarfs are coming home after a hard days work. As they
approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their
curiosity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until, finally, one
them can see over the garden wall. The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and
the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose
shoulder he is standing on, "Snow
White is with the Prince."
This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf,"Snow White is with
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.
Then the dwarf at the top says:"They're kissing."
Again the chain starts:
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off............"
"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to.........."
At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall and she gets up to
investigate. The dwarf at the top sees this and says, "She's Coming."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
IN THE MIRROR
One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him,
she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner. He leads her to a mirror, holds up
the $20 bill and says to her: " Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The
other belongs to me." Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back
and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife. When he goes in the dining
room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods. Shaken, he asks
his wife where she got the money. She leads him to the same mirror and
lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to
you. The other belongs to the butcher."
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for
"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.
The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the
SOMETIMES A JERK
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know,
last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building,
by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building
are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into
the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while
wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could
happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He
gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street
below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the
building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back
up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You
know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just
as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries
him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the
hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the
balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors
...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying
"You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."
Update Date April 22, 2000
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car
and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the
passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at
the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but
the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window
down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it,"
to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The
driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the
speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light
tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and
shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a
lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they
had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and
screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
A man in Albuquerque, N.M., stole a utility trailer from a Home Depot but
the trailer came loose and crashed a few miles from the store, so he went
back to the same store and stole another one, which came loose and crashed
about 200 feet from the first trailer, after which he went back to the
store and stole a third trailer, which clipped the squad car of a police
officer who had stopped to investigate the first two trailers the man had
left lying along the road, police said.
The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they
decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful
Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom
totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively
before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years
ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one
look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm
thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"
Update Date April 23, 2000
BARBIES OF THE 90S
New Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90's:
DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories)
TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE ("welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month)
CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine)
BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels)
LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch)
LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
ANOREXIA BARBIE (no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain)
QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right)
BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen)
PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places)
NAVY PILOT BARBIE (comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately)
BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie's a D-cup)
FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaved legs and armpits)
BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken)
BOBBIT BARBIE (with knife, Ken had better watch out)
Two young computer engineers applied for a single position at
a computer company. They both had the same qualifications.
In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants
were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the
questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said,
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the
job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions
correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but
on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant
put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down,
'Neither do I.'"
THE BLOND AND THE CUTE SHEEP
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she
stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible
reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was,
understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're
right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your
pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and
finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more
playful than any of the others. When she was done, the
shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a
proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color,
can I have my dog back?"
MICROWAVE AND THE BLOND
There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and askes the salesclerk,
"How much for that microwave?"
The salesclerk replies, "We don't sell Microwaves
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in
and asks the same question. The salesclerk answers,
"we don't sell microwaves to blondes."
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes
and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the
The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde. The clerk
says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV."
Update Date April 24, 2000
A priest was passing a group of young teens sitting on the
Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much Father," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing
who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys! Boys! Boys!" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when I was
your age, I never even thought about sex at all."
They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Father!"
SMOKING AFTER SEX
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but
the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he
said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a
good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse?"
Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up
and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady
comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single
roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down,
and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of
pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each
of the dealers.
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes
and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of
them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't
know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
Update Date April 25, 2000
A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath
some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his
cooler and opens it.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry
and he reaches into his lunch box, taakes out a bag of cookies and
The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I
have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
In the News.......
Cancun, Mexico - Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about
how she got even with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's
apartment and located unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a
condom and put peppered chili powder in one, resealed it and waited for the
results. After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend, Pedro
rushed to the hospital with his manhood on *fire*. Rita, upon her being
charged with second degree assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that
19-year-old and he's now had it."
On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom "Since we're
married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my
hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat
that means I may or may not have sex. Last....if my hair is completely
undone, that means I want sex..."
The groom replied: "Okay sweetheart. Just make sure that when I come
home, I usually have a drink...If I have only one drink, that means I
don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex.
But if I drink more than two....your hair won't matter!
Update Date April 26, 2000
Did you hear about the British Airways employee who took a call from a
blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight
from London to New York?"
"Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured.
Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally
polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my
sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson
has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he
gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the
plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my
Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because
I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important than money but I still want a
raise in my allowance.
Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Teacher: "Johnny, can you name Santa's reindeer?"
Johnny: "Yes, I can. There's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen
Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, Rudolph, and Olive."
Johnny: "Yeah, you know 'Olive the other reindeer used to
laugh and call him names'."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question.
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven. . ."
MORE AIRLINE HUMOR
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX, to XXX. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
noboby loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines
we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful
as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that
shifted during our so called "touch down."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
THE NEW SON-IN-LAW
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I
love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To
show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my
business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office
and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck
behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a
profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a
office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"
IN THE SUBWAY
I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd
finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends
on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.
A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second
most stupid question I've ever heard (someday I may tell of the first), "Are
you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper
and answered, "Yes."
Update Date April 27, 2000
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older.
The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time
I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed
she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that
we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus
stop where two locals are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie
turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it
didn't do him any good."
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may
we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please
go outside and come back in and say that there's something
wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The
receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
BLOND AND BLUE
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When
his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told
them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't
get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and
prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was
the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her
dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I
am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like
that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad!
Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd
got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he
explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I
stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same
big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us
you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like
that---so I shoved it back in."
Update Date April 28, 2000
NAKED AT 100 MPH
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the
highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you
take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she
starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring
at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown
clear without a scratch but her clothes
and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your crotch
with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the
road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP!
HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm
sorry Miss. He's too far in."
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some
friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that.
My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was acommunications major in college
and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I'm
A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils
removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have
On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please
circumcise him while he is asleep.
The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several
After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate
informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out
soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied
'all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are.'
The redneck drove his bride to see the new cabin he had built.
She admired its spaciousness and sturdy construction but
had one question. "Jeb, honey, where's the door?"
"Door?" he grunted, "You aimin' to go someplace?"
WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll
check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Update Date April 29, 2000
FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
- Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go "plink" at the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce
to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad
- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide
it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will three times!"
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun
and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, "Stop, or
I'll say stop again."
-- Robin Williams
A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South
is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them,
"I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a
-- Jeff Foxworthy
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few
things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like
my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I
can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye,
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Update Date April 30, 2000
Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and
she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing
by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of
the kids were playing a game of soccer.
A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered,
"Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly,
"Okay, I guess so..."
"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
Nurse: How old are you, Mrs. Smith?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...
but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in
the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know,
that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the mens room. Each
time he tried the door, it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his
predicament, suggested he used the ladies room , but cautioned him against
pressing the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked "wa", "ww",
"pp", and "atr". Eventually, his curiousity got the better of him and
sitting there, he carefully pressed the first button marked "ww".
Immediately, the warm water sprayed gently over his entire ass. He
thought, "golly.....these gals really have it made." Not yet satisfied, he
pressed the next button marked "wa". Warm air dried his ass completely.
This, he thought, was out of this world. The button marked "pp", when
pressed, Yeilded a large powder puff, which padded his bottom lightly with
a scented perfume powder. Now, he thought.....for the last button.........
Time passed and he was aware of nothing more until he woke in the hospital.
In a panic, he buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared he cried out,
"what happened!!!!????" The last thing I remembered was being in the
ladies room aboard a plane. The nurse replied " so you were, but you were
cautioned about pressing any buttons on the wall. You were doing great
until you pressed the button marked "atr", which stands for "automatic
tampax remover". Your penis is under your pillow.
ERAP JOKES - a collection of 100s of Erap Jokes
ERAP JOKES ARCHIVE - a collection of more Erap Jokes
PINOY JOKES - a collection of 100s of Filipino Jokes
PINOY JOKES ARCHIVE - a collection of more Filipino Jokes
MORE JUST JOKES - a collection of over a 1000 regular jokes
Part 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 8 , 9 , 10 , 11 , 12
Suggest a joke to:email@example.com