Just Jokes - Continued

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Update Date Feb. 9, 2000

 MEN & WOMEN --FINALE

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge
singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just
has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, 
or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out
say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or
Got anymore beer?'

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old
friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself
from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a 
leak.
Do you want to join me?'
     

DRAWING ROOM!!!

Question:  Why do old novels refer to the living room as the
"drawing room?"

==================================================================

The Answer:

Ladies and gentleman, this is a little story about a time long
ago, when gender roles were clear-cut (but certainly not
equitable). It's about an era when the niceties were observed,
even when they often weren't very nice.  And it's about a time
when a cigar was just a good smoke.

Nobody watched their cholesterol in the 19th century, and
meals were hearty and heavy. In the finer households, dinner
would be followed by a good port or brandy, an equally good
cigar, and often some very dirty stories. When it was time for
drinks, smokes, and smut, the men at the table expected their
genteel women to discretely "withdraw" into the next room.
That's why it was called the drawing room.

A PENGUIN!!!!!

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny.  So he goes
to the first whore house he sees.  He only has five dollars, so they
kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one.  But, since he only has five dollars,
he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one
and says "Look, I only have five dollars.  I'm really horny, and I need
a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK.  For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see!!!"

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.  The
horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."  Soon, a whore
comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job.  Just as he's about to
loose his load, she stops and walks away.  Now, the horny guy with his
pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting....

     "HEY!  WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?!?"

TASTES FOR FEMALES

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big
boobs.

In high school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was
no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the
time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got
excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with
some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She was without direction. So I decided to find a
girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She
was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I
owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big boobs!!

SOME RELIEF

One day when a trucker was on his way to make a delivory in another
province, he saw a newfie hitch-hiking on the side of the road. The trucker
was a bit lonly and desided to pick him up.

The newfie got in and said "Thanks. For picking me up." Then he noticed
there was a monkey between the trucker's legs. He asked "What's with the
monkey?"

The trucker replied "Oh, well whenever I'm stressed, this monkey relieves
me."

The newfie, still confused, asked "What do you mean?"

The trucker said "Watch." He slapped the monkey on the back of the head, 
and the monkey unzipped the trucker's pants and stated blowing him. After
the trucker cummed, the monkey zipped up the trucker's pants again.

Then the trucker said to the Newfie "See? Do you wanna try?"

And the newfie said "Sure!... But please don't slap me as hard as you
slapped the monkey."


Update Date Feb. 10, 2000

REAL NEWS (the actual AP headline)

   Linda Burnett, age 23, a resident of San Diego, was
visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby
supermarket to pick up some groceries.  Several people
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.  One customer who had been at
the store for a while became concerned and walked over
to the car.  He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange.  He asked her if
she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot
in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour.

   The man called the paramedics, who broke into the
car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to
remove her hands from her head. When they finally got
in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head.  A Pillsbury biscuit canister
had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that
sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.

   When she reached back to find out what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains.  She
initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried
to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone
noticed and came to her aid.

   And, yes, Linda is a blonde.


KP Duty

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in 
Alaska.

After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from
civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners. He promptly
meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your
primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock 
quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it. 
Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights."

Morning comes, and Paul goes to work.  The work is hard, but he is strong
enough that it isn't a real problem.  However, by the time Thursday comes
around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles
away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So,
he approaches the manager.

"What do you want?" asks the manager.

"Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but ...
well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?"

"Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something."  The manager leads Paul into
the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into
the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of
a tunnel which must be well over a hundred years old. At the end is a
barrel.

The manager says: "The other miners use this."

"What?"

"Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out."

Paul is decidedly skeptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he
gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically
busts a nut--the best damned blow job he's ever gotten.

Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes 
back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even better
than last time. Truly unbelievable! So, after a long day, and KP duty that
night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great.
He can't think of much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel. On his
way to the mine, he bumps into the manager, who asks him:

"What are you doing here?"

"It's my day off ..."

"Day off? Hell no! It's your turn in the barrel."


ON MY CYCLE

A Hells Angel who met this cute young thing in a bar, bought her a few
drinks,and at closing time asked if he could go home with her, for some
light entertainment.

She said: "We can't, I'm on my menstrual cycle."

He replied, "No problem doll, I'll follow you on my Harley"..

  
FAST FACTS:

Try this with your friends:
Take any three-figure number in which the first digit is the
larger than the last...like 846. Now reverse it...648, and
subtract the smaller from the larger making it 198. Now add
that number to the same number reversed, 891. The answer is
1,089, and I didn't even have to use a calculator.

The answer will always be 1,089 even if the result of the
subtraction is two figures, you just add a zero to the front
before reversing. I can't be certain, but I would venture to
say that the guy who figured this out, spent a lot of his
youth wearing a pocket protector.

PHONE SEX

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller.  "If you
can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the
action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it
in one hand, I ain't interested."
 
SLEEPING BUTT

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses
were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been
sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they
are more fucked up than you think.


Update Date Feb. 11, 2000


TURKEY AND BULL STORY

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,"  sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy." 
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. 
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.  The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a 
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of  the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep 
you there.


EXTREME SEXUAL EXHAUSTION

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for
serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student
shakes her head, and sweetly says:

"Not an excuse.  You can use your other hand to write with."


$50 OR I'LL BITE

A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in
front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any
practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up
the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke
down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the
night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred
awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a
sign up saying

"$50 or I'll bite hard!".

Of course usually the guy  would pay and she'd let him go.
Well one day a yankee broke down, and had to stay
the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at
night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the
sign

"$50 or I'll bite." The yankee just smiled and said

"$100 or I'll piss!"


FAST FACTS:

The American sport of basketball, now played in many
countries, may not have been invented in the U.S. The Aztecs
of ancient Mexico played a similar game called "ollamalitzli."
In their sport the first player to put the ball through a ring
mounted high above the playing surface won the right to
collect all the clothes from everyone watching the game –
right off their backs.

(We're a lot more advanced today--the worse that can happen is
that a fan who bets on the game might lose his shirt.)


Update Date Feb. 12, 2000

SEX JOKES!!!

At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband:
"That's not true ! I do enjoy sex !"

Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it
four or five times a year !"
____________________________________________________

Linda goes to the dentist's office.

After Dr. Myrddin is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you
this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

Linda then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain will be so awful I'd rather have a
baby!"

To which the Dr Myrddin replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the
chair."

FOR REAL MEN ONLY!!!!

This is a test DESIGNED BY REAL MEN, intended FOR REAL MEN ONLY. Circle
the best answer to each question below.

1.) impotence is
    a. rude or disrespectful behavior
    b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets
    c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties

1.) A menstrual cycle has
    a. three wheels
    b. two wheels
    c. no wheels...it just drags along

2.) The G-spot is
    a. a key on the piano
    b. close to the F-spot
   c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men

3.) Masturbate refers to
    a. the best fishing lure for big fish
    b. everyone joining in the discussion
    c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone

4.) Premature ejaculation is
    a. a man younger than 18 having sex
    b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold
    c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal

5.)A Douche is
    a. one rank above Earl
    b. a playing card with the number "2"
    c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight"

6.) Lesbian refers to
    a. someone from the Middle East
    b. a French word for "the well"
    c. a woman trying to do what a man does better

7.) Vagina is
    a. a heart disease
    b. a state near Washington DC
    c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your responsibility

8.) Pornography is
    a. the business of making records
    b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables
    c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets

9.) KOTEX is
    a. a radio station in Los Angeles
    b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear
    c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one

10.)A wet dream is likely to occur
    a. when your roof begins to leak at night
    b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
    c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands

SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c).

If you got 10 CORRECT:
You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is finding a
woman worthy of your attentions.

If you got 6-9 CORRECT:
You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in pickup
trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet pornography
sites...

If you got 1-5 CORRECT:
Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your
manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality...anyone's
sexuality!

if you got NONE CORRECT:
It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy,
monastic life or marriage.

MORE OF THE IDIOTS GUIDE TO SEX

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial 
portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not
referring  to a commercial break.

8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.

9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.

WISH YOU COULD SAY!!
 
Ladies, you've all been there.  You know how the scene goes.  After sex,
Macho Man lies back on the pillow with his hands clasped behind his head
and asks, "How was that, Baby?"

Don't you just WISH you could say, "Hot, juicy, noisy, tender, raunchy,
gentle, peaceful, frantic, slow, terrific, erotic, spicy, potent,
carnal, passionate, ardent, wanton, bawdy, lustful, sensual,
hot-blooded, horny, amorous, determined, soft, fulfilling, and
satisfying.

LUCKY 7

Why is seven considered a lucky number?
(answer below)
==================================================================

The Answer:

It really seems quite loony that the power to bring good luck
should be ascribed to any mere number. In fact, loonyness--
the four parts of the lunar cycle, to be specific--is actually
at the root of this number's supposedly magical powers. The
phases of the moon are each about seven days long. So the
number seven seemed to be embedded in the natural order of
things, and somehow related to the heavenly body that has
often been observed to powerfully affect the course of human
events.

Hey, sure, the rainbow has seven colors. But when it comes
down to it, what counts the most is that the week has seven
days, and the seventh day of the week is also something really
special. Wouldn't you know it: in luck as in much of life,
it's all about weekends!


Update Date Feb. 13, 2000


Last Meal 

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed.
They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. 
The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then 
take away. 

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also 
taken away. 

The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are 
surprised and reply 'Strawberries? But they are out of season!' 

'I'll wait...' 


Just In Case 

At a jewellery store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a 
present for his girlfriend. 'Shall I engrave her name on it?' the 
jeweler asked. 

The customer thought for a moment, and then said, 'No, just engrave
- To My One And Only Love - that way, if we ever break up, 
I can use it again.' 
 

Not The First 

'I saw you kissing my sister last night!' shouted the kid to a 
teenage boy. 
'All right! Not so loud. Here's a dollar to keep you shut.' 

'Thanks! And here is your change of 20 cents.' 

'Change? What for?' 

'Well, it is the same price for everyone!'


Speeding 

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 MPH. He thinks tohimself, this driver is just as dangerous
as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies 
- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and 
white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't 
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to 
be the problem?'

'Ma'am,' the officer replies, 'You weren't speeding, but you 
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also
be a danger to otherdrivers.' 'Slower than the speed limit?

No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two 
miles an hour!' the old woman says a bit proudly. The State 
Police officer, trying tocontain a chuckle explains to her that
'22' was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit 
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer 
for pointing out her error.

'But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone
in this car ok? these women seem awfully shaken and they 
haven't muttered a singlepeep this whole time.' the officer asks.

'Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.' 
 
 
Update Date Feb. 14, 2000
 
When was the first Valentine's Day?

==================================================================

The Answer:

The lover's holiday has its beginnings in the 4th century
B.C. in Rome. The Romans held an annual lottery wherein
young men would draw a young woman's name from a box. The
couple would be assigned to each other the entire year for
entertainment and pleasure. This celebration, traditionally
held on February 15, also included banquets, dancing and
foot races run in the nude.

Around A.D. 496, early church fathers sought an end to the
pagan practice, but knew better than to upset the citizens
by removing the lottery completely. Instead, they had
teenagers pull the names of saints from the box. The teen
was supposed to spend the year emulating that saint's life
as much as possible, which was probably not as much fun as
naked marathons. St. Valentine was chosen as the patron
saint of the new event, and young Roman men resorted to
courting females by sending handwritten notes delivered on
February 14.


"How did you know?"

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture
store. Pete says to the salesman, 'We really like it, but I
don't think we can afford it.' The salesman says, 'You just make a small 
down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months.'
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, 'Who told you
about us?
 

Actual Newspaper Headlines ...well maybe anyway!

Some are just slips of the tongue

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

Grammar often botches other headlines

Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Meanings opposite from the one intended

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation


Update Date Feb. 15, 2000


Names on Tags 

A new porter was instructed to call the guests by their names, 
so as to make them feel more welcome. The easiest way to find 
out the names, adviced the manager, was to look at the tags on 
the guests' luggage. The porter decided to try it out. 

As he took up the suitcases of his first guests up the staircase, 
he caught a glimpse of the name on the tags and greeted happily, 
'I do hope you enjoy your stay here, Mr and Mrs Genuine Cowhide.' 
 

Chain Reaction 

There was a little boy with a string trailing behind him and a 
frog tied to it and he goes into a whore house. Now this frog is 
dead, and he asked the lady at the counter, 'I want a female with 
the the most herpes.' 
The lady tells him, 'Sorry son. You're too young.' The kid is 
only about 12. So, he pulls out a $100 dollar bill, and the lady 
says, 'I don't know...' Then he pulls out another $100 dollar bill. 
Reluctantly, the lady tells him which room to go to. The little boy 
goes up there, does his thing, and comes back down. The lady at the 
counter stops him and says, 'Son, why did you want a lady with the 
most herpes?' 

The little boy says, 'It is really sad. I did this so that I can go 
home and sleep with my babysitter, and my babysitter will sleep with 
my dad on the way home, and my dad will come home and sleep with my 
mom, and the next morning my mom will sleep with the milk man, who 
ran over my frog.' 


Arms Race 

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized 
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up 
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole 
dispute with one dog fight. 
They'd have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and 
whichever country's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. 
The losing country would have to lay down its arms. 

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in 
the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. 
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, 
killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids 
and trainers and after 5 years came up with the biggest, meanest 
dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 
5 inches thick and nobody could get near it. 

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a 
strange animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry 
for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog 
could possibly last 10 secondswith the Russian dog. When the cages 
were opened up, the dachshundcame out of his cage and slowly waddled 
over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out 
of his cage and charged the American dachshund. 

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the 
Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. 
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. 

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 
'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best 
people working for 5 years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers 
in the world.' 

'Really', the Americans replied. 'We had our best plastic surgeons 
working for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.' 
 
Asking For It 

Three men were unfortunate enough to be caputured by an Indian tribe. 
They were to be beheaded, and were sent to the guillotine. The tribe 
head said, 'I am merciful. This way of death will be painless and quick.
'So the first man knelt down, and the lever was pulled - but the huge, 
heavy blade stuck fast! The tribe head declared, 'It is all fated! 
Release him!' 

The second man then knelt down, and the lever was pulled - but the 
huge, heavy blade stuck fast again! The tribe head declared, 
'It is all fated! Release him!' 

It was now the third man's turn, but he shouted defiantly, 
'I want none of that! It's not fast at all; shoot me instead!' 
 

Update Date Feb. 16, 2000


SMOKING CONDOM

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a
cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse,
took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that
you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her
friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold
condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that
this old woman was interested in condoms. He asked her, "What size do
you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."


FIG LEAF

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.
As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked.  "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should.  There is a statue of a naked woman in 
there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs,
and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again!  He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I
don't understand.  When I came in here, the place was hopping with music
and dancing.  Then the room became absolutely quiet.  I went to the 
restroom,
and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender.  "Would you like a drink
too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the
statue,the lights go out in the whole place.  
Now, how about that drink?"


STATE OF THE ART WATCH!

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good-looking woman and
starts looking at his watch. The woman notices this and asks him if his
date is late. "No," he replies. "I've just got this new state-of-the-art
watch and I was just about to test it."

"What does it do?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing a bra or panties."

"Ha! Well it must be broken then, because I am!"

"Darn thing must be an hour fast."


CIGAR ADDICTIONS!!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible
addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his
very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite
drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap
it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it,
rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a
fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is
obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which
is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later
he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be
effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours
is!" said the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to
transfer my addiction." said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to
sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."


GOLDEN RULE!!

"Can anyone give me a good contemporary example of the
Golden Rule?" asked the instructor in the college ethics
class.

"I can sir," replied one of the students. "How about 69?"


AGING

The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted.

"Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend
that you give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while."

"WHAT!" said the man. "Just so's I can walk a little better?"
_______________________________________________________________

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it
was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was
given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all
over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a
lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times ..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green
bananas."


Update Date Feb. 17, 2000


One-Liners

Reliable sources say mountain cows have two legs on one side longer so
they can walk around the side of a mountain without falling down.
--Lawrence

If anything was worth doing, I would have already done it.

Never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

All deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

If at first you don't succeed, there is always next year.


DOG OR WIFE??????

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course...at
least he'll shut up after you let him in.

ARE COMPUTERS MALE OR FEMALE

A sailor had become a computer programmer.  He was very aware that
ships are addressed as 'she" and "her".  He often wondered what gender
computers should be addressed.  To answer that question, he set up two
groups of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men.  Each
group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in
the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.  They were asked to give
4 reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:

1.  In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2.  They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4.  As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:

1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half of your paycheck on accessories for it.


HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

There was a 98 year old man who moved into a nursing home.
For his age, he was very fit and in really good shape.  The nursing
home's doctor came in to give him his physical and the man said,
"How old do you think I am?"

The doctor checked his heart and lungs and had him do a few
exercises and said, "I would say you were around 78."

The old man smiled told the doctor that he was actually 98
years old.

The man was walking out of the doctor's office and saw a
little old lady sitting there.  She was pretty gray and was all
bent over. The man said to the lady, "How old do you think I am?"

She looked him over pretty good then told him to pull down
his pants. He did as he was told.  Then she told him to pull his
underwear down also.  He obeyed.  She reached over and fondled his
various parts and counterparts.  She kept this up for quite
sometime. She appeared to be in deep concentration. She finally
looked up at the man and said, "I'd say you were 98."

The man was stunned!  He said, "How could you tell?"

"I heard you tell the doctor."


HOW FAR CAN A DIME GO?

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime
reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get
the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the
ashes.  He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes.  He
smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the
fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her
roses.  He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for
stretching a dime."

The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat.  I bought a Polish sausage for a
dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the
other one-half.  The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the
fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up.  The fifth
day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit.  He
agreed with me and gave me my dime back."

AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN!!!

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty
tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one
more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in
your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man
and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."


TOSHIBA!!!

It was the first day of school and a new student,
the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the
fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's
begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government
of the people, by the people, for the people
shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should
be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country,
knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned
Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he
said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by
Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in
the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up".
Teacher says "who said that?".
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says
"George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,1991".

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah?
well suck my  dick !
Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997".

Observations On Men ......- of course by who else.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell 
them apart.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in 
biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means 
that you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.


Update Date Feb. 18, 2000


10 INCHES

" And what was the extent of the defendants involvement in this matter?"  
the judge asked the women in a paternity case.

" She replies," Oh, about 10 inches."
___________________________________

What's the definition of a predicament?

A real ugly girl, who loves to give blow jobs~


Whats a girls definition of a predicament?

A guy wih a ten inch dick and herpes~

FIRST TIME!!

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute.
He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.

The hooker says, " No problem, honey."

She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed. He crawls on
top of her.

" Okay, stick it in honey.....all the way in...
now pull it out......now put it back in....... now pull it out......."

" For christ sake," says the boy," Will you make up your fucking mind?"


FROG!

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The
frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with
you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put
it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The programmer said, "Look I'm a programmer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

BEING LEFT HANDED

Question:  Does being left-handed have any bearing on your
health?
(answer below)

Before we get flooded with angry feedback, let's make it clear
that we are not trying to degrade, disgrace or otherwise
debase our southpaw friends. A lifetime of using school desks,
scissors and watches that are designed for the other part of
the population is tough enough without us adding
to the struggle. But it has been suggested that being left-
handed is dangerous to your health. Is there any truth to
that?

In 1992, psychologist Stanley Coren, in his book, "The Left-
Hander Syndrome," claimed that left-handers had a higher
accident rate and died younger than righties. The mortality
part of his argument has never been substantiated. But there
is some evidence for a higher accident rate among left-
handers, somewhat more depression, and a greater tendency to
fall prey to various other ailments. On the one hand, nothing
conclusive has been shown, but on the other hand, the little
we know ought to be enough to make a prudent left-hander drive
more carefully down the road of life.

80 yrs old part ll

This old man in his eightys got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said "Where are you going ?"
He said "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said "Why, are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he
said "Where are you going?"
She said "I"m going to the doctor too".
He said "Why?"
She said "If you"re going to start using that rusty old thing again,
I"m going to get a tetanus shot"


Update Date Feb. 19, 2000

YOU ARE NOT A NUN

There's a Scottishman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They've got lost
in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman
finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on
the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give
him food and drink. After that they sort him out  with a room to use for
the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this
hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a >nun and
asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can`t tell you,
you´re not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent.

Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks
"great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink.  Later
they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being
asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what
it is, but the nun replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun".  At
this, he leaves the convent.

Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food
and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this
frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun
what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun!" At
this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it  on
and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister Riley, the new nun,
can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?"  "I'll do better
than that, I'll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a
corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding
staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a
massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the
hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another
door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!"
Question: Do you know what it was?

Scroll Down to find the answer

--

--

--
--

.................. SORRY, I can't tell you, you're not a nun!!!


SONOFABITCH

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks 
around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.

The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for 
a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the 
priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in
the boat.The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish 
is called-a sonofabitch!"

Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the 
bishop.

Priest: "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I
caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know. I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have 
it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother 
Superior at the convent.

Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner 
tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop:"No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all 
think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Mother Superior: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off
his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers 
are all right."

Sports!!

Brad is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or
playing volleyball.  One weekend, his wife Lisa decides that he needs to 
relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says

"Hey Brad!  How are you tonight?"

Lisa, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.

"No, no.  He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Brad and says

"Nice to see you, Brad.  A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen.  "You must come here a lot!"

"No, no" says Brad "I just know her from volleyball"

Then a stripper walks up to the table.  She throws her arms
around Brad and says

"Brad!  A table dance as usual?"

Lisa, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Brad follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps
into the passenger seat.  His wife looks at him, seething with fury and
lets Brad have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says

"Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Brad!"


EXERCISE BIKE

Two old women were sitting on the bench talking, when one asked the other,
"How's your Paddy holding up in bed these days ?"

The second old lady replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike."

"How's that?"

"He climbs on and starts pumping away...but we never get anywhere."


WOMEN/MEN

Why are women ALWAYS upset with Men?

Men are one of the few things that can gain 8 inches in 5 min and lose it
all 30 minutes later !!


E-MAIL/CHAT ROOM SURVIVAL KIT

  AOL           Assholes On Line
  ASAP          As Soon As Possible
  ASAFP         As Soon As Friggin Possible
  AWGTHTGTTA    Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again
  AWGTHTGTTSA   Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again
  BFD           Big Fucking Deal
  BTSOOM        Beats The Shit Out Of Me
  BT            Byte This!
  BTWBO         Be There With Bells On
  CMF           Count My Fingers!
  CTC           Choking The Chicken
  DBEYR         Don't Believe Everything You Read
  DHYB          Don't Hold Your Breath
  DILLIGAD      Do I Look Like I Give A Damn
  DQYDJ         Don't Quit You're Day Job
  DYSTSOTT      Did You See The Size Of That Thing
  FTASB         Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
  FUBAR         Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
  FUBB          Fucked Up Beyond Belief
  FYI           For Your Information
  FYM           For Your Misinformation
  GR&D          Grinning Running & Ducking
  HAK           Hugs And Kisses
  HUYA          Head Up Your A$$
  HHOK          Ha Ha, Only Kidding
  HHO1/2K       Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding
  HIOOC         Help! I'm Out Of Coffee!
  IANAC         I Am Not A Crook
  IFABCTE       I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator
  IITYWTMWYKM     If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me
  IITYWTMWYBMAD   If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink
  IITYWTMWYLMA    If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone
  IIWM          If It Were Me
  ILSHIBAMF     I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture
  ILSHIBMS      I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches
  IMHO          In My Humble Opinion
  IMNSHO        In My Not So Humble Opinion
  KISS          Keep It Simple Stupid
  LDTTWA        Let's Do The Time Warp Again
  LOL           Laughing Out Loud
  LSHHTCMS      Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts
  LTIP          Laughing Till I Puke
  MTFBWY        May The Force Be With You
  NBFD          No Big Fucking Deal
  NFW           No Fucking Way
  NYCFS         New York City Finger Salute
  OMIK          Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard
  ONNA          Oh No, Not Again
  ONNTA         Oh No Not This Again
  OTOH          On The Other Hand
  OTOOH         On The Other Other Hand
  OTSH          On The Same Hand
  PITA          Pain In The A$$
  PMF           Pull My Finger
  RTFM          Read The Fucking Manual (or Message)
  SH            Shit Happens
  SH2M          Shit Happens To Me
  SOI           Sit On It
  SOL           Shit Outta Luck
  TAFL          Take A Flying Leap
  TDTM          Talk Dirty To Me
  TFASB         Time For A Sex Break
  TIC           Tongue In Cheek
  TISEC         Tongue In Someone Else's Cheek
  TLA           Three Letter Acronym (such as this)
  TM            Trust Me
  TSR           Totally Stuck in RAM
  TTT           That's The Ticket
  TWHAB         This Won't Hurt A Bit
  VI            Village Idiot
  WDIPME        Where Did I Put My Excedrin
  WGAFS         Who Gives A Flying Squat
  WTHDTIM       What The Hell Do These Initials Mean
  WTSDS         Where The Sun Don't Shine
  WWW           World Wide Wait
  WYSIWYG       What You See Is What You Get
  WYSIUWYW      What You See Isn't Usually What You Want
  YGBFK         You Gotta Be Fucking Kiddin'
  < g >         Grin
  < g >         Big Grin
  < f >         Little fuck
  < f >         Big fuck
  < fu >        Obvious


Update Date Feb. 20, 2000


Ditto
 
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when 
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a 
piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant
has left.  Can you make this thing work?""Certainly", said the 
young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.
He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed
the start button.
"Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper
disappeared  inside the machine. ."I need two copies of that."
 
"Mirror, Mirror"

 Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the 
 Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in 
front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. 
 However, if one tells a lie -- *poof* -- you are instantly 
 swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. 

 Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies 
 Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most 
 beautiful woman in the world." -- *poof* The mirror swallows her. 

 
 Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, 
"I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." -- *poof* The mirror 
swallows her.
 
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and 
stands before the  mirror and says, "I think...." -- *poof*
 
GUILT.. 

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 
("knowing my own hidden secrets") and Psalms 52:3-4 ("lies 
and deceit"), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated 
on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have 
enclosed a check for $150.00. 

"If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
 

Excuse Me!

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a
North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion
about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"

The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says,  "Excuse me?  What's excuse me?"


Q and A

Q. How many body builders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Three. One to screw in the light bulb. Two to stand near
   saying,"YOU'RE HUGE MAN, YOU'RE HUGE!"

Q. How many Chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Only one, but it takes 15 visits.


Chop Chop!!!
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own
business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and
--WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, 

"That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts
drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down
AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." 

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an
hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off
his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.


TERMS

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the 
middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.


Senility Prayer

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell
the difference.


GOVERNMENT CONTRACTING GLOSSARY

CONTRACTOR: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

BID OPENING: A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER: A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE: The cost of construction in heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER: The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician
is in a different union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt
under perfect control.

OSHA: A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print,
red tape, split hairs and baloney; usually applied at random with a 
shotgun.

STRIKE: An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE: The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR: Person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.

LAWYER: Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.


Kid Stuff

A little child in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up
so that everyone could hear; "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm
under five."

For 25 cents

A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time.  
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
  "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't 
understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
  "What do you mean?" "All they kept screaming was: 
Get the quarter back!  Get the quarterback!" 


Update Date Feb. 21, 2000

30 to 40 years to live

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart
attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating
table, she had a near-death experience.

She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have
collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and breast
augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she
had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was
killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had
another 30 to 40 years!"

God replied, "Shirley? I didn't recognize you!"


DO YOU BELIEVED IN THESE SAYNGS!!! PART I

1..."EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES"
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three
"ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way,
in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in
twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize
the pattern.

2..."YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (When you die)"
Well....., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can
certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you
can probably put some things in your pockets.

3..."YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY"
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just
learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is
a good example of this.

4..."THE SKY'S THE LIMIT"
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a
limit is that?  The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep
getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.


TWINS

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them 
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends 
a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she 
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. 
Her husband responds, "But they're twins.  If you've seen Juan, 
you've seen Amal."


Goat???

The young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner.  While
they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked
their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster.  "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well
have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"


Update Date Feb. 22, 2000

DO YOU BELIEVE IN THESE SAYINGS..PART II

"YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR"
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very
naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact,
if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever
they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you
soon might not even get that.

6..."TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY"
Not necessarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow
is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure.
If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that
time, it will be today again.

7..."NICE GUYS FINISH LAST"
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a
field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval
times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can
see how limited those people were.

8..."IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL"
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've
seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen
them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.


A LITTLE SOMETHING TO LEARN...

A guy walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar and said,
"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like
sex?" He said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you
like to travel?" He said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said,
"Good, then fuck off."
____________________________________________________

"I can never fool my wife," Myrddin complained. "I turn off the
car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak
upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. She always wakes up and
screams at me for being out so late."

"You got the wrong technique, my friend," Bill replied. "I
roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my
hand on her butt and say, 'How about a little?' She always
pretends to be asleep."


The Top 15 Drill Sergeant Pick-Up Lines 
Submitted by Xspecyal

15."You make me hornier before 9 AM than
most people do all day!" 

14."What's a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*!
like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump
like this??" 

13."Drop trou and give me 20!" 

12."Care to accompany me on a quiet,
romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike
and a hundred push-ups" 

11."Soldier, I'm admiring your strategic
frontal mammary tissue mounds, two
each." 

10."Remember 'An Officer and a Gentleman'?
I'm neither, baby." 

9."The penalty for being out of uniform is
a spanking." 

8."Wanna know why I'm called a 'drill'
sergeant?" 

7."Drop and give me 69!" 

6."Baby, you put the 'fox' in 'foxhole'." 

5."You'll only have to give me one pushup
soldier, if it's your bra." 

4."Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the
morning." 

3."Drop and give me 20 -- on my lap." 

2."Wanna help me get an 'honorable
discharge'?" 

and the Number 1 Drill Sergeant Pick-Up
Line... 

1."Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants
you." 

One-Liners

Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and
challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you
like.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.


Update Date Feb. 23, 2000


DO YOU BELIEVE IN THESE SAYINGS..PART III

9.."THOSE WERE THE DAYS"
No. Those were the nights! Think back. Weren't the nights better? Days you
had to work. Nights you went to parties, danced, drank and got laid. "Those
were the nights!"

10..."THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH"
What about when you eat at home? I don't pay when I eat lunch at home -
it's FREE! Sometimes I'll leave a tip, but basically, it's a free lunch.
Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists
say, 'The Food Is Not the Lunch'.

11..."YOU PAY YOUR MONEY, AND YOU TAKE YOUR CHANCES"
I think what I said earlier still applies" You pays your money and you
takes whatever they jolly well give you. Actually, when you get right down
to it, you pays your money and you loses your money.

12..."EVERYBODY HAS HIS PRICE"
Not so. Would you believe there are millions of people who do not have
their price?  Thanks to a government mix-up, many people have their
neighbors price.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN THESE SAYINGS...PART IV

13..."THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THEY USED TO"
Actually they do make 'em like they used to, they just don't sell 'em
anymore. They make 'em, and then they keep 'em.

14..."TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT"
Well, it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right. Not only that,
but as the number of wrongs increases, the whole thing goes up
exponentially. So that while two wrongs make one right, and four wrongs
make two rights, it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make three rights, and
256 wrongs to make four rights. It seems to me that anyone who is stringing
together 256 wrongs needs counseling, not mathematics.

15..."IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER"
No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not
another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

16..."YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL"
Not true. Believe it or not, there is a man somewhere in Illinois who, so
far, has won them all. But don't get too excited; it has also been
discovered that it is possible to lose them all. By the way, there is no
record of anyone having tied them all.


NO SPRING CHICKEN!!!

Why is an older person "no spring chicken?"
(answer below)

==================================================================

The Answer:

Chickens have been table fare since just about the beginning
of tables, so it's no surprise that we have several
expressions featuring this fowl. In various contexts,
chickens have been in every pot, come home to roost, and been
counted before they hatched. But what does a "spring chicken"
have to do with aging?

Just this: Tender spring chickens, highly prized for summer
barbecuing, are birds born in the winter and nurtured to young
adulthood just in time for the warmer weather. When some
shady merchant tried to pass off a tough old bird as one of
these premium pullets, it's up to the buyer to know that it's
no spring chicken. As with many animal expressions, the
wording and sense has been transferred to humans. So if
you're getting a bit long in the tooth, you're no spring
chicken either.

HOW IT ALL STARTED

One night, when Mario was a youg lad, he kept interrupting his dad's and
his friends poker game, by asking questions, playing with the poker chips,
running into their chairs....basically a general pain-in-the-ass.
Unfortunately, nothing his dad did or say stopped Mario from his antics.

Finally, in sheer desperation, one gentleman got up from his chair and led
Mario away to the next room.   A few minutes later he returned and they
played poker the rest of the night without a peep from Mario.

As the guys were going out the door, Mario's dad ask the guy. "What in 
hell did you tell Mario to keep him out of our hair?"

He simply replied, "Actually, nothing, I simply taught him how to 
jerk-off."

And thus, this was how it all started.


GOOD SEX AND MAGIC

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife
asked him why. He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.

"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very
good sex life."

"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."
_____________________________________________________

A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage.

Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore
magic in your life."

"Oh, no, there is still some magic! Every Saturday night he
disappears!"


Kids Say The Darndest Things

A small girl was told she needed an X-ray.  When she came out
of the X-ray room, she told her mother,
"They took a picture of my bones."

"Yes, dear," replied the mother.  "Did everything go all right?"

"Sure," said the girl.  "It was great.  I didn't even have to take my
skin off!"


The Perfect Man

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea
of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry
must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical.
Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, "Lady, what you
really want is a television set!"


Update Date Feb. 24, 2000


DO YOU BELIEVE IN THESE SAYINGS...PART V

17..."YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS"
That depends on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can't
have it both ways at once, but if you've got a little time, you can
probably have it six or seven ways.

18..."THINGS HAVE TO GET BETTER, THEY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE"
This is an example of truly faulty logic. Just because things can't get any
worse, is no reason to believe they have to get better. They might just
stay the same. And, by the way, who says things can't get any worse? For
many people, things get worse and worse and worse and worse.

19..."NOBODY EVER SAID THAT LIFE WAS FAIR"
I specifically remember as I was growing up, at least twelve different
people, telling me life was fair. One person put it this way; "Life, you
will find, is fair."  Oddly enough, all twelve of those people died before
the age of twenty-seven.

20..."IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO"
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only
one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is
certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little
silly.


DO YOU BELIEVE IN THESE SAYINGS...LAST PART!!

21..."THERE'S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE, AND TWO TO TAKE HIM"
This may have been true in the past, but now, if you adjust for the
increased population base, birth control, and the so-called moral decline,
not only are there five suckers born every minute, there are now
fifty-three to take him.

22..."WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT YOU"
Why don't we just ask Julius Caesar and John F. Kennedy about this one?

23..."LIFE IS SHORT"
Sorry. Life is not short, it's just that everything else lasts so long
-mountains, rivers, stars, planets - life seems short. Actually life lasts
just the right amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand....is
very, very short.

JOBS????

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more
downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in
the  city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a
hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy,
would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go
back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been
offered two jobs already!"

 TWO REDNECKS!!!

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a
po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it
on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under
the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys
been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

 WISH
Submitted by O.Y.Llagas

A man was walking along a California beach and
stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and
rubbed it and out popped a bad tempered genie.
The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the
lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this
month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes,
so you can forget about three. You only get one wish
and hurry up about it!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
"I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to
fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a
bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "are you out of your tiny
mind, that's impossible. Consider the logistics of
that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Imagine how much concrete...how much
steel!! No, think of another wish you moron."
The man said, "OK" and tried to think of a really good
wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and
divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't
care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could
understand women, know how they feel inside and what
they're thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, know why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say 'nothing', know how to make
them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes
or four?"

Why is the letter "X" used for the unknown in algebra?

The Answer:

There were many times in high school when I felt that all of
algebra would remain an unknown to me. That formidable looking
X seemed to represent a crossroads where I was always got
lost. But now I think I've turned the corner.

It was Renee Descartes, the 17th century philosopher and
mathematician, who began the use of letters at the
end of the alphabet to represent unknown quantities, with X as
the choice for the first unknown. Why X and not Y or Z? He
never gave an official reason (he was too busy planning to
torture high-schoolers... I mean, enlightening the world),
most scholars agree that the widespread adoption of the X is,
in spirit, just the opposite of what algebra always
represented for me: ease and simplicity. One could write the
letter X quickly and it was more likely to be legible than
other letters.


Update Date Feb. 25, 2000


FAST FACTS:

If a person counted at the rate of 100 numbers a minute and
kept counting for eight hours a day, five days a week, it
would take a little over 4 weeks to count to one million and
just over 80 years to reach a billion. But if you did this, it
would only take 35 minutes to drive the person sitting next to
you completely batty.

Two French toolmakers were the first engineers to put the
engine in the front of the car. This gave the car better
balance, made it easier to steer, and made it much easier to
get all your luggage in.

BUY & SELL

Sam, from the garment center in New York, went to Miami Beach for a winter
vacation. While walking down Collins Avenue, he was approached by a 
luscious blonde, who whispered into his ear, "I'm selling - are you buying?"
Sam said, 'Sure, I'm buying."

So they went to a hotel room and made love for the entire night.

A week or so later, when Sam went back to New York, he came down with
syphilis. After weeks and weeks of painful treatment, Sam was released by 
the hospital. As he was walking along Fifth Avenue, the same blonde came over 
to him and whispered, "I'm selling, mister - are you buying?"

Sam looked her straight in the eye and asked, "So what are you selling now,
cancer?"

ROBOT!!


Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious
techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is
beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If 
you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, 
she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a
while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"


Why do some things happen only once in a blue moon?

The Answer:

This rather poetic image is based on an observable phenomenon.
On rare occasions (once or twice every two years or so) the
moon does appear to be blue.

As to why it does, I have found no evidence that the moon is
ever sad, so this cannot be a reference to a lunar state of
mind. And the fact that astronauts have brought back lunar
rocks denies us the luxury of speculating that the moon might
be made from bleu, not green cheese.

The most common explanation for this phenomenon is that dust
or ice crystals in the atmosphere filter the moonlight,
scattering the light in a way that makes the moon look blue.
For instance, a forest fire in Canada in 1950 blew enough soot
and ashes to England to produce an electric blue moon. These
conditions produce a blue moon seldom enough to make the image
synonymous with something rare.

(Source: DICTIONARY OF WORD AND PHRASE ORIGINS)


THE BIRDS & THE BEES

Dad asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At
age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit
me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now
that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"


THE $500.00

Two couples were playing cards one evening.  John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor.  When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed that Bill's wife, legs spread wide, was not wearing any  
underwear!  Shocked by this, John...upon trying to sit up again...
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.  Bill's wife
followed him and asked... "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that,  well,
yes he did. She said..."You can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
sex with a friends wife, he agrees.
She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00PM Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, John shows up at Bill's house for the planned
tryst with his wife at 2:00PM sharp...and after paying her the agreed
upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and close their sexual transaction
as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dresses and leaves.  As was
his habit, at 6:00PM, Bill returned home from work. Upon entering the
house and encountering his wife he asks abruptly... "Did John come by the
house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answers...
"Why yes, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skips a beat when her husband curtly asks... "And did he
give you $500.00?" In terror she assumes she's somehow been found out,
and after mustering up her best poker face she replies..."Well, yes...in
fact he did give me five hundred dollars." Bill, with a satisfied look on
his face, surprises his wife by saying... "Good, I was hoping so.  John
came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me.
He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and
pay me back.


Update Date Feb. 26, 2000

Quote

I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do
all the things I wanted to do, but now that I'm older, I find that I don't
want to do them. ~~Nancy Astor

Obituary

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone
call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices
cost?"  "$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response. 
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" 
"Yes, Ma'am."  "OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'" 
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." 
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A
moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?" 
"Yes, Ma'am."  "OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'" 

The Minister

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to
leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling
anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the
congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation
in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus
that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to
leave and serve another church." 
The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or
    plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not
    use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
    (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that
    water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

It goes on from there!!

Dare To Be Different

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers
a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the
cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this
fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"


The Challenge

The three  greatest swordsmen were in a heated contest.  
The final challenge was to slice a fly released from  a box. 

The first swordsman  quickly skiced the fly in half
The second not to be outdone, sliced the fly in three!
The third apparently missed the fly as it dropped down in the air and flew 
away.

A judge asked the third "why did he miss?".
He replied. " I did not miss.. He will no longer be able to reproduce"


STRICT CHURCH LAW

A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and
hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got
so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and
talk to the teenagers.
The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went
up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for
you to hang out than on God's doorstep."
The gang leader defiantly said, "F**k God."
Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy
laws and taking his name."
The gang leader said, "F**k God's laws. You name one, I break it. I
swear, I f**k , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna break every single f**king  law the church has ever make."
The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"
The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on
a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."
"Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't
committed."
"Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it."
Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide.
So go kill yourself."

HURRICANE!!!

A guy walks into a whore house and says, "I have been out at sea
for a whole fucking year, I want the wildest craziest whore
you've got!"

The madam says, "That would be Hurricane Helga up in 4B."

So the guy goes up and knocks on 4B. The door suddenly opens and
he is yanked inside.

The lady in the room starts screaming at the top of her lungs in
his ear, "WHAT YOU HEAR IS THE WIND OF HURRICANE HELGA!".

She then grabs him and throws him on the bed, strips off her
clothes, jumps naked up on the bed straddling him and begins to
jump up and down.  "WHAT YOU FEEL IS HURRICANE HELGA SHAKING THE
GROUND BENEATH YOU!"

Then she sits on his chest and starts whipping him in the face
with her huge tits back and forth, over and over. "WHAT YOU FEEL
IS THE FORCE OF HURRICANE HELGA KNOCKING THE COCONUTS OUT OF THE TREES!"

The guy bolts right out of bed for the door. Hurricane Helga
says, "Where are you going sweety?"

"Hey", says the guy, "There's no way that I can fuck in this
kind of weather!"


Update Date Feb. 27, 2000


FOUR SEASONS 

After a year at sea, a sailor comes ashore, gets drunk, and runs to a whore
house.
The old madam says, "All my girls are busy, but I'll take care of you."
He says, "I'm all fucked up, so you'll do."
They go into a room, and after a while, the madam says, "I may have winter 
in my hair, but I've got summer in my heart."
The sailor says, "Yeah? If you don't get a little more spring in your ass,
we're gonna be here 'til fall."

OFFICE PARTY!!

After the annual office party blow out, John woke up with a pounding
headache, cotton mouth, and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his 
way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him with two 
aspirin.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I
think?" "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made 
a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior
management, and insulted the regional director to his face"

"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him." "You did," Louise informed
him. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" yelled John. "I did. You're 
back to work on Monday," she quaintly replied.

**Pick-Up Line Of the Day**

He:  Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of
concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few
drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm
too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take
in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more
times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together,
then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this
intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is
solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months
later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a
bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we
have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start
to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work
too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed
and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex
life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for
sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar,
you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why
mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the
children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off,
let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.


FAST FACTS:

The Indonesian coffee Kopi Luwak is the most expensive and
sells for $75 per 1/4 pound. Boy, nobody tell Starbuck's or
they'll raise their prices again...

..The reason its so expensive is the way it is processed.
Its beans are ingested by a small animal called a Paradoxurus.
The beans are then extracted form the excreta and made into
Kopi Luwak. After hearing that, they should pay ME $75 to
drink the stuff.

(Source: GUINNESS WORLD RECORD HOLDER 2000 CALENDAR)


COUPLES IN 80'S ON HONEYMOON!!!

There's a couple; the guy is 87 and she's 86 years old. They just got
married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into
something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in the
bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waits and waits until she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes
to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on
the toilet trying to put on a condom.

She giggles, "Honey, what are you doing? I'm 86 years old and can't get
pregnant anymore."

He looks up at her and says, "I know, but honey, you know how the dampness
effects my arthritis."


Update Date Feb. 28, 2000


Word Misuse 

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman 
intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed 
to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so 
she complained to the butcher. Don't worry, lady,' he said. 'I'll 
pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you 
finish shopping.' 

Several aisles later, she heard the butcher's voice boom over the 
public-address system: 'Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts 
please meet me at the back of the store.' 
 


Knocked Out Cold

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She
claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The
next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An
officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2
hours later with a black eye. 
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he
replied. "I stepped on the same rake."


Your Government Paid How much ???  
Source AP.... 

1. An electrical bell for $714
2. A ball bearing for $350
3. A screw for $76
4. A 15 cent O-ring for $30
5. A 40 cent diode for $4.50
6. A 60 cent transistor for $7.60
7. A $59 compressor seal for $251


His Passion Is Realized~~

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his 
desire become a great writer.  

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff 
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react 
to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them 
scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.  


Smart Dogs 

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... 
First Woman : 'My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the 
paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and 
brings it to me. 

Second Woman : 'I know...' 

First Woman : 'How did you know?' 

Second Woman : 'My dog told me.' 
 

Signs You're Broke ~~~

1.  American Express calls and says:  "Leave home without it!"
2.  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a 
    restaurant.
3.  You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4.  You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe
    Lincoln.
5.  Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
6.  You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis
     shoes.
7.  Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8.  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9.  You think of a lottery ticket as an investment {or retirement 
planning}
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday ... just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struther's sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.


The Cattle Ranch 

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle.  Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J.
My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other
son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none has survived the branding."


The Park Tour  

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not
long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group
that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.

The blonde exclaimed, "Wow. I can't believe the
dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"


Update Date March 1, 2000


 GOSSIP!!

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle
ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.

"Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?"

"Well, the child was born without a penis." the doctor said...

"Oh, *oh* my goodness!" said the gossip...  and with a smile on her face, 
she
turned to head into town to spread the news...

Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her
arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear...

"But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years..."


STICK IT OUT!!!!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.  She went back to
find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.  The teacher told him go down to the
principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should
do about it.  He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat
down in his seat.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.  She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school.


WATCHING TV TOO CLOSE WILL RUIN YOUR EYESIGHT??

Question:  Can sitting too close to the TV really ruin your
eyesight?

==================================================================

The Answer:

This is accepted as scientific fact in an amazing number of
homes. In many it's as much a matter of conviction as the old
assumption that if you indulged in a certain other activity,
which we won't mention here, you might go blind.

In fact, neither leisure pastime is likely to ruin your
eyesight. Some early TV screens did emit excessive X-rays, as
did computer monitors, but that was fixed long ago. Doctors
suggest that at worst, sitting too close might cause some
temporary eye fatigue--the same for reading with insufficient
light--but no permanent damage, no matter what your mother
claimed. However, given the slop that's often on TV, it's
absolutely terrifying what it might do to your mind, even if
you watch from the next room.

(Source: TRIUMPH OF THE STRAIGHT DOPE by Cecil Adams)


ITALIAN IN JAIL

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.  "Hey, Antonio," said
Luigi.  "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Donna talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio.  "I been inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi.  "What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beech, and the cops come,
arresta me and throw me inna jail"

"But dey donna throw you in jail just for lying onna da beech!" Luigi
countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beech was ascreamin' and akickin' and ayellin'."


BETTER HEALTH PLAN

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and
during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has
a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he
doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most
likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a blow job."Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in
there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

SOFT & HARD

A man, very much on the make for his secretary, wined her and
dined her. He finally succeeded in getting her to his apartment,
where he whispered sweet promises into her ear while he began to
unbutton her blouse.

"If we get together," he said, "a fur coat...perhaps a trip to
Europe."

The secretary nodded a cheerful agreement, and soon the two were
locked in intercourse. Later, while dressing, she asked him when
she could get the fur coat he'd promised.

"What fur coat?" he asked.

"You promised me a fur coat," she said.

"When I'm horny I'll promise anything," he said. Putting one
hand on his heart and one on his penis, he added, "When he's
soft, he's hard. When he's hard, he's soft."


Update Date March 2, 2000

GRAY HAIR

"It's really amazing," the girl told her wealthy middle-aged lover,
as he was relining on the bed. "You have a beautiful head of
gray hair, but not a single one in your pubic area."

"Not so amazing as you might think." he replied. "My brain has
to do all the worrying. 'That Guy' hasn't got a care in the world.


WAYS TO LIMIT  YOUR SMOKING!!!

Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's
smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit
his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making
love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on
TV called "Cold Turkey".
After about a week, I asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad."
she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping
towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to about a pack a
night now."


LAST WISH!!!

There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the
beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

Nurse he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev."  (you know a
president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).

Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time.

"I don't care I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last 
wish!"

The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man
did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful tits out of her bra
and offers the left one to the man. He holds it, caresses it and very 
moved.
He said,  "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you
again!"

He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the 
whole
situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's 
head."

"Yes!!  Is he here too?"

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit.

"Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here," said the man, 
kissing
again and again, "Eisenhower."

The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her pussy
getting moist; so she asks the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"


 ALCOHOL WARNING!!!

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol
bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a jerk.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings
like thish.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
the morning.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
the morning and see something really scary (whose species and
or name you can't remember).

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
are invisible.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
of time may seem to literally disappear.

A DECOY

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a
bust.

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential
quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could
barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his
own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the
other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers
on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then
stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the
road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and
pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test,
and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be
broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated
decoy!"


Update Date March 3, 2000


MALE CHAUVINIST

Nadine was married to a male chauvinist.  They both worked full time, 
but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework.
That, he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Nadine arrived home from work to find the children
bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer,
dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going
on.  It turned out that Leo, her husband, had read a magazine article
that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they
weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding
down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office.
"How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Nadine said. "Leo even cleaned up,
helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything
away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Nadine said.  "Leo was too tired."


LEFT OVER AGAIN !!!!!


For Myrddin's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when
he came home from work.  After some careful consideration she
decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her
shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Myrddin enters his house exhausted from a tough day
at work.  He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down,
and hears his wife say, "Honey!  I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again!"


GROCERY LISTS


A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and
down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her
head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.

After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and
ask if she is having a problem. She tells him no.

He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the
beginning of each aisle.

She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.

He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes
thru the motions again.

She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."

Ears.  "Two ears of corn."

Breasts.  "Two chicken breasts."

Crotch:  "Fantastic."


STAYING MARRIED

We were sitting around the kitchen table, reminiscing with my uncle and
aunt who had been married for 45 years.  "What's your secret for staying
married for such a long time?" I asked.

"Simple," my uncle answered.  "One of us talks and the other one doesn't
listen."

AHHH.. To be  kid again

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when....:
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

INVISIBLE

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. 
Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."


THEY'RE GONE

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from
New York City showed up.
Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door,
Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten
most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless
and said, "They're gone!"

"What?  All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter.  "The Pearly Gates!"


OUCH!!! 

A most unusual court case of attempted murder has
captivated this historic city. A man, Jorge Fuentes has been 
charged AND CONVICTED of attempted murder of his wife.

It seems he trained their talking bird to drive his wife
to suicide. The bird would constantly repeat, 
"End it all" and "Life is not worth living".

The bird was brought in to court and "performed" for the
judge. After hearing the bird, the judge and jury convicted Jorge.

The bird was not convicted because it was a Minah.


Update Date March 4, 2000


Women 

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin 
and unexplored. 

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. 

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully 
explored breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. 
The Promised Land for..... 

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted 
but still has points of interest. 

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, 
but who gives a damn. (My Grandpa's comment
 

Safe Sex 

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car
when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she 
happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks 
on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, 'Oh, it's Sunday 
night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for 
the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? 
'Well,' drawls the farmer, 'you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' 
with my sons Jed and Luke.' She looks through the screen door and sees two 
young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early 
twenties. 'Okay,' she says. 

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about 
the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room 
and says, 'Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?' 

They say, 'Huh?' 

She says, 'The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have 
to wear these rubbers.' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them 
go at it all night long. 

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking 
back and forth. 

Jed says, 'Luke?' 

Luke says, 'Yeah, Jed?' 

Jed says, 'You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty 
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?' 

'Yeah,' says Luke, 'I remember.' 

'Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?' asks Jed. 

'Nope,' says Luke, 'I reckon not.' 

'Me, neither,' says Jed, 'Let's take these things off.' 
 

The Voice 

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a 
bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly 
to himself, 'I'm screwed.' There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice 
booms out: 'No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and 
bash the head of the chief.' 
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the 
chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. 
Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. 

The voice booms out again: 'Okay.......NOW you're screwed!' 
  

Adam & Eve 


A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve 
walking in the Garden of Eden. 

'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Brit.  'They must be British!' 

'Nonsense,' the Frenchman disagrees.  'They're naked, and so beautiful. 
Clearly, they are French!' 

'They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they were 
being told this is paradise!' 

'It is obvious they are Russians,' argues the Russian.


Update Date March 6, 2000

SOME MORE OF THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
UGLY: She's a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
UGLY: You have to wait.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
UGLY: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
UGLY: With corrections.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
UGLY: He looks better than you.

OLGA

Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were answering
questions asked by the clerk.
"Olga, how old are you?"
Olga answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary."
Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?"
Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall."
"And how much do you weigh, Olga?" was the next question.
"I weigh yust about 185 pounds."
"Wow", exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the Green
Bay Packers!!"
"Oh no," answered Olga. "I yust play with Olie's packer."

FAMILY PLANNING

Some newly-married friends were visiting us when the topic of children
came up.  The bride said she wanted three childen, while the young husband
dumurred, saying two would be enough for him.  They discussed this
discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to
things by saying boldly,
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted,
"Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

PEE-PEE

Robert wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one
who was a virgin. Falling madly in love with Rebecca, he decided
to test her. At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked,
"Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Rebecca covered her eyes. "No! No! Please
put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Rebecca worthy of being his bride, and
immediately proposed to her. On their wedding night he was keenly
anticipating the delight of introducing his bride to sex. When
she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Rebecca smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

Robert stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn
is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."

"No," she said, studying it, "that's a pee-pee. A cock is long,
fat and black."

Court Scene

  1st Lawyer: You're a fool!
  2nd Lawyer: You're a damn fool!
  Judge:      As the lawyers have now properly identified
              each other, can we now proceed with the case?
			  
Mental patient

  Doctor:  We are going to release you for saving your
           friend from drowning. The only thing is he hung
           himself in the toilet.
  Patient: He didn't hang himself, I left him there to dry!
  The stages of marriage

  
BARKS

Year 1 - Man goes home, wife gets slippers and the
           dog barks.
Year 2 - Man goes home, the wife barks and the dog
           gets the slippers. 
		   
Surgery Terms:

  Removal of Apendix - Apendectomy
  Removal of breast - Masectomy
  Removal of virginity - Giveitomebaby
  
  

NAMES

Boy:    Why is my brother named Mighty Storm and my
          Sister, Moonchild?
Mother: Your brother was concieved during a storm
          and your sister while watching the moon. Tell
          me, Broken Rubber, why are you curious?

Movie title corruptions

  I Know Who You Did Last Summer
  I Still Know Who You did Last Summer
  Shaving Ryan's Private
  A Boobs Life
  Wet Dreams May Come..

ARCHEOLOGIST  

An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have,
the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
  

Update Date March 7, 2000 

Directions

A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and became
lost. After a long search of the rambling first floor to find an exit, he
spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.

"How do I get outside?" he asked.
"Dial 9," she replied.


Dog Quotations


"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
--Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg


From A Visionary, This Sayings (or questions?)


* All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we  met.

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is 
  required to be on it.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've 
  never tried before.

One-Liners

Why do the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather
forecasts and economists?

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.

D'ja ever wonder why...no matter what YOU cook, his mother's tasted
better?

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive,
what they conceal is vital.


Why I Fired My Secretary
 
 
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot 
that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant
and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have present for me. She didn't
even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, 
that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children
came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and  despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, 
Happy Birthday."  And I felt a little better; someone had
remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and
said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into
the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, 
"You know, it's such  a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the
office, do we?"  I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more  comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens 
of our friends.
All were singing Happy Birthday... and there on the couch I  sat...

naked.


Update Date March 8, 2000 


Ponderings

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.

Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky.

Q: What do you call a football player with no legs?
A: Place kicker.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of
   directions?
A: Lost.

Q: What do you call a group of girls with no singing ability?
A: N'Sync.

Q: What do you call a mad vicious killer with an ax and no
   regard for human life?
A: Long distance, if possible.


Efficiency Expert 


The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You 
don't want to try these techniques at home." 

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. 

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert 
explained.
"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, 
often carrying just a single item at a time."

'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take HER 20 minutes to get
breakfast ready. Now she makes me do it in seven."



Quotables

Some Very Bright Women

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.  -Dolly Parton

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me.  One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.  I don't even want
to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
child.  We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our
lives.  -Rita Rudner

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman

Reason why....

Three third graders, a Catholic kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly
kid are on the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they
play a new game. Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. Okay."
They all agree.

The Catholic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. That's
nothing,"says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple
of inches longer.  Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips
his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both
length and girth.  The Catholic and Italian kid are stunned and
amazed. Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks
him what he did at school today. Oh, we worked on a science project,
had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during
recess, my friends and I played.  Let's see who has the largest dick."
What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. Well, me, Sidney
and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The
other kids say its because I'm a  Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

The Mom replies: "No, Honey.  It's because you're twenty-three


Dentist's Affair

Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a
ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into
a series of passionate encounters in the dental
clinic after hours.  But one day he said sadly,
"Linda honey, we've got to stop seeing each other.
Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she
assured him.  "Besides, we've been screwing for
six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!


SHEATH


A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the
doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control
pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear
condoms.

One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the
doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that
as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month
later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He
called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He
asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.

The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife
is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so
badly that he cut the end off."


Update Date March 9, 2000 


 ST. MARY'S CONVENT


Two guys are driving down the road when they see a sign that says "St.

Mary's Convent and House of Prostitution, two miles ahead."

CurlyDavid says "Hey, Bubba, did you see that?" Bubba says "Yeah, but I

don't believe it." A bit later they see another sign that says "St. Mary's

Convent and House of Prostitution, one mile ahead." CurlyDavid says "Hey,

Bubba, we gotta check this out." Bubba says, "Yeah!" So they stop and sure

enough the sign on the door says "St. Mary's Convent and House of

Prostitution" and they knock on the door and a nun answers and invites them

in. A second nun is at the cash register and CurlyDavid say's "How much for

your services, sister?" The nun says fifty bucks and they both pay up. Then

the nun says, "right through this door, boys" So CurlyDavid and Bubba go

throught the door and find themselves back outside and there is a sign that

says "You just got screwed by the sisters of St. Marys"

"I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU"

Frank came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say,
disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her
nails.

"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you
any more?" he asked nervously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him,
buffing her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank
went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would
you still love me then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank,
I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all,
I'll really miss you."


THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY !

"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect
everything, the young know everything." -Oscar Wilde


"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If
my wife finds out, she'll kill me." - Henny Youngman


"Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep." - Fran Leibowitz


I'M FINE
                 
				 
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an
accident.  In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer
Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.  I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.  "Just answer
the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman that he was just fine.  Now, several months after the
accident, he is suing my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell
him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the
lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded.  "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I
was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by
her groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene.  He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then
the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are
you feeling?'"


A VIRGIN


There was a virgin who was going to get married.  She asked her mother if it
hurt when you had sex?

Her mother said not really but to help you can use Vaseline.  So the virgin
goes and buys a jar and puts it in the hotel room. She goes and  gets 
married and her and her new husband go to the hotel.

She is laying in bed while her husband is in the bathroom getting ready.

She decides to rub a little Vaseline on. He comes out of the bathroom and 
she says "O MY" and rubs a little more Vaseline. He gets half way across the 
room and she says "O MY GOD" and rubs a little more on.

He gets right beside the bed and she says " HOLLY SHIT" and puts the rest of
it on.

Her husband stands there for a moment and takes