Update Date Jan. 3, 2000

 Chain Letters etc.
Whoever decided to create this note and forward it
on should receive some type of humanitarian award. It says it all!
   
1. Big companies don't do business via chain
letters.
Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is
not giving you a free vacation. 
There is no baby food company issuing class-action
checks.
Procter and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult 
or scheme, and its logo is not satanic.
MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward
something to the most people. You can relax; there is no need to pass
it on "just in case it's true." 
Furthermore, just because someone said in a message, four
generations back, that "we checked it out and
it's legit," does not actually make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans.
No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, 
even if a friend of a friend swears it happened
to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the
kidney-theft ring stories, please see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote:
"The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly
issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves
to come forward and tell their stories.
None have." That's "none" as in "zero." Not even
your friend's cousin.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200
cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it.
And even if you don't,you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if
you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that 
awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

4. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID
contain plutonium that went to particulate over the
eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this
information would reach the public via an AOL
chain letter?

5. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you
should never, ever, ever forward any email containing
any virus warning unless you first confirm
that an actual site of an actual company that
actually deals with viruses.
Try: http://www.norton.com. And even
then, don't forward it.
We don't care. And you cannot get a virus from a
flashing IM or email, you have to download....
ya know, like, a FILE!

6. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any
motorist who flashes headlights at another car 
driving at night without lights.
 
7. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to
write email, turn off
the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't
read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment
and then view it with a web browser,
since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the
Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that
10th-generation message from a friend, at least have
the decency to trim the eight miles of
headers showing everyone else who's received it
over the last 6 months.
It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">"
that begin each line either. Besides, if it has 
gone around that many times we've probably
already seen it.

9. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.)
in England is not dying of cancer or anything else 
at this time and would like everyone
to stop sending him their business cards. He
apparently is no longer a "little boy" either.

10. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real
organization doing fine work,
but they have had to establish a special toll
free hot line in response
to the large number of Internet hoaxes using
their good name and reputation. 
It is distracting them from the
important work they do.

11. If you are one of those insufferable idiots
who forwards anything that "promises" something 
bad will happen if you "don't," then
something bad will happen to you if I ever meet
you in a dark alley.

12. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan,
and PBS and NEA funding are still vulnerable 
to attack (although not at the present time) but
forwarding an e-mail won't help either cause in
the
=== message truncated ===


WHAT IS GOD?

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,
"Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent,
the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding
and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

The Funeral Procession

This man, Tom, was standing by the side of the
road when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by another long
black hearse about fifty feet back.  Behind the second hearse
was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash, and behind 
them were 200 men walking single file.

Tom couldn't stand the curiosity.  He respectfully
approached the man walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral 
like this before. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
Tom asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog bit her and she died."
Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned and bit her and she died."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes
between the two men.
Then Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line." 

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding,
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately
springs into motion.

It gallops along in a steady and rhythmic pace, 
but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. 
In terror, she grabs the horse's mane but cannot 
get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around 
the horse's neck but she slides down its side anyway. 

The horse gallops along oblivious to its slipping rider. 
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps 
away from the horse to try and throw herself to 
safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become 
entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy 
of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is 
struck against the ground over and over. 

As her head is battered against the ground, she 
is mere moments away from unconsciousness 
when, to her great fortune the Wal-Mart manager 
sees her...and unplugs the horse.


Update Date Jan. 4, 2000


WHY ARE THEY WHITE?

A young man on the eve of his wedding goes to his mother with the
following question.

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town
that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mum and goes off to double-check this with his
father.

"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."

NUDIST COLONY PHOTO

A man moved into a nudist colony.  He received a letter from his mother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, he cut
a photo in half and sent her the top part.

Later he received another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother He cut another picture in half, but accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He was really worried when he realized that he
sent the wrong half, but then remembered how bad his grandmother's
eyesight was, and hoped she wouldn't notice.

A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother that
said....."Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes
your nose look short!"


 EARL

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over
by the cops.  The cop asked the man for his name and the
guy replied, "Earl."

"You got a last name, Earl?" "Nope.  It's a long story, Officer."
"I got time." Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known
as Earl Doo-Daa.  I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so
I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD.  I got bored just being a doctor so I
went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D.
After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD.  So I
was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD.  When the medical board found
out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD
with VD.  The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away
my DD making me Earl  Doo-Dah with VD.  Finally, the VD took away my
Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."

OCCUPATION

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no.  That will never work.  That
is much too crass.  Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude.  Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."


GREAT DENTIST

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they
decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes
off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and
washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the
girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great
dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: 'Easy... I didn't feel a thing."

Update Date Jan. 5, 2000

SIX PACKS

Three guys were working on a high rise building project:
Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed
instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone
should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll
do it."

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.  Charlie says,
"Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I
said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"

She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"


NURSE JENNY

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining
about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does
everything absolutely backwards.", said one doctor.
"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams
of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams
every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this
week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24
hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!
The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down
the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just
realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

EAT TOAST

Jimmy was just potty trained, however, every time he goes, he hits
everything but the toilet. After two weeks of this, mom takes him to
the doctor. He informs them that Jimmy's' unit is too small, but he
has a suggestion. The doctor tells him to eat two slices of toast
every morning and his unit will grow so that he can hold it and aim
straight. The next morning, when Jimmy goes to the kitchen, he sees
twelve pieces of toast. He yells to his mom that he only has to eat
two slices. "I Know," she said, "the other ten are for your father."

LITTLE JOHNNY

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked
up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that
he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win
lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had
handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little
Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how
things were going.

"Oh, everything is going very well."  She said. "I think I may have cured
little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars
that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet
and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning
that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."

Henry Ford In Heaven

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the
Gates, St. Peter greets
             
Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been
such  a good guy, and your         
invention...the assembly line for the automobile...
changed the  world. "
             
 As a reward, you can hang out with anyone  in
 Heaven you want."
             
 Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want  to
 hang out with God Himself."
             
 So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to
 the Throne Room, and  introduces  him
 to God. Ford then asks God, - "When you
 invented Woman, what were You   
 thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?"
             
 "Well," says Ford, "You have some major
 design flaws in your invention:
             
       1. There's too much front end protrusion.
             
       2. It chatters way too much at high
             speeds.
             
       3. Maintenance is extremely high.
             
       4. It constantly needs repainting, and
             refinishing

       5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6
            of every 28 days.
             
       6. The rear end wobbles too much.
             
       7. The intake is placed too close to the
            exhaust.
             
       8. The headlights are usually too small.
             
       9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
             
       Just to name a few."
             
   "Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a
   minute."  God goes over to the  Celestial
   Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes,
   and waits for the results
   In  no time the computer prints out a report, and
   God reads it. God then turns to
             
   Ford, and says, "It may be that my
   inventionflawed, but according to these statistics,

   is flawed, but according to these statistics,
   more men are riding my invention than yours.
   
   
Update Date Jan. 6, 2000

This update contributed by Lee of Sewperfect

Why it's great to be a man

      * Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
      * Your orgasms are real. Always.
      * Your last name stays put.
      * The garage is all yours.
      * Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
      * Wedding plans take care of themselves.
      * You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every
      night.
      * Chocolate is just another snack.
      * You can be president.
      * You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
      * Foreplay is optional.
      * You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting
      laid.
      * Car mechanics tell you the truth.
      * You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new
      haircut.
      * The world is your urinal.
      * Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
      * You never have to drive to another gas station because
      this one's just too icky.
      * Same work... more pay.
      * Wrinkles add character.
      * You don't have to leave the room to make emergency
      crotch adjustments.
      * Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
      * If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
      * People never glance at your chest when you're talking
      to them.
      * Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
      * The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
      expected.
      * New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
      * Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
      * Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex
      with them.
      * Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So,
      notice anything different?"
      * One mood, all the time.

 WHAT A PERFECT WOMAN WOULD SAY

      1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

      2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

      3. I'm bored. Let's shave my privates!

      4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno
      movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend
      Tammy over for a threesome!

      5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm
      gonna bust!

      6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you
      please try again?

      7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.

      8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than
      go shopping.

      9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

     10. Would you like to watch me go down on my
      girlfriend?

     11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out
      women's asses.

     12. I'll be out painting the house.

     13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish
      you had time to play on Saturday too.

     14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is nude
      sunbathing again, come see!

     15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the
      house.

     16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

     17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

     18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day
      thing and buy yourself new clubs.
 
     19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every
      year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful
      stress reliever.

     20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

     21. Not the king mall again!, come on let's go to that
      new strip joint!

     22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why
      don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7
      or 8.

     23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up
      for the night feedings.

     24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

     25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles
      behind my head for ya...


 If Dear Abby was male

 Dear Abby:

 Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
 A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
 love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you
 in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
 buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

 **************************
 
 Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
 A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
 feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to
 him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive
 present..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

 **************************

 Q: My husband to be, still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he
 will not be faithful.
 A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to
 increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few
 other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best
 thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
 nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

**************************

 Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
 A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged.
 The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other
 men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a
 stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner.
 Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to
 his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive
 present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
 behavior.

**************************

 Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and
 my sister.
 A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of
 you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an
 issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some
 cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with
 your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
 meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

**************************

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to
you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do
is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal.

**************************

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no
time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs
rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his
love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on
him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

**************************

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that
he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he
loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and
cooking him a nice meal.

What men know!

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked
woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out
of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers,
and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the
game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that
gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust
oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the
man to stare at her cleavage.  Men also know that the woman will get
pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't
know how to cook them.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how
good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell
over there.

Answers

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the
refrigerator.

How do you know if its time to do housework?
Look down in your pants. If you have a penis, it isn't time.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What makes a woman and a toilet seat alike?
If they didn't have a hole they wouldn't be good for shit.

Before and After 

This husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the
man leans over as whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your
lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet".
The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom
first". So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of
carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up concerned "Oh my little honey bunny, is your
nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for
two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but
on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat
on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch!"


 The Cost of Eve

 Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
 So God asked him:
 "What is the matter?"  Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
 God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it
 would be a woman.  He told him, "This person will gather food for 
 you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing,
 she'll wash it for you.  She will always agree with every decision
 you make.
 
 She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the
 middle of the night to take care of them.  She will not nag you,
 and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've
 had a disagreement.  She will never have a headache, and will 
 freely give you love and passion whenever you want it.
 
 Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
 God replied, "A woman that special will cost an arm and a leg."
 Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
 The rest is history.
 

Update Date Jan. 7, 2000
Thanks to Gilda of Fort Worth for today's update.

MINOR OPERATIONS

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid
on a rolling bed by the nurse and brought to the corridor.

Before they enter the room, she leaves her behind the surgery room door
to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and
starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man
in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same
examinations.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows
impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated,
but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea. We're
just painting the corridor."

DO IT MY WAY!!!!!!!

A man goes into a bar has a beer and then shouts out 100 dollars to any 
girl that will do it my way, bartender tells him you can't yell that out here.
The man has another beer and shouts out 200 dollars to any girl that will 
do it my way, again the bartender tells him not to do that.                                                        The man
The man has another beer and shouts out 500 dollars to any girl that will
do it my way this gal comes up to him and says ok big boy your on lets go 
up to my room. When they get up there she starts undressing and says how 
do you want to do it?
Guy says "On credit ! "

NICKNAMES

There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same
name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they
decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first
girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up."
They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says,"
Because he's seven inches long and is always up. They ask the
second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man
Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and
she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me."  They ask
the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man
Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call
your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says,
"Exactly."

TRAIN

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular
trip he decided to bring his wife, Jill. When they arrived at their hotel
and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register
- I'll be back within an hour." Jill lies down on the bed ... just
then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes
the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a
freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room
so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the
front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager (naturally) is skeptical but Jill, insists the story is
true. "Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the
floor!" So he lies down next to Jill. Just then the husband walks
in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?


MEN PMS

Q.  Why don't men know the meaning of fear?

A.  They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
__________________________________________________

Men do too get PMS:

Penis Malfunction Syndrome.
Pre-Middle aged Syndrome.
Post Macho Syndrome.

HOW OLD IS THIS DRINK?

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old
Scotch.  The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a
shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell
the difference.  The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only
ten years old!  I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar
and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a
shot.  The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old
Scotch.  I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of
thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink.  By now a small crowd
has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the
latest drink.  Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and
repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to
get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch.  Soon, the bartender
returns with the bottle and pours a shot.  The guy downs the Scotch and
says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"  The crowd applauds his
discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises
a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow.
Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
"My God!  That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk.  "Now, how old am I?"

PASTOR FUZZ

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he
happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the
town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not
something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through
the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her
skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we
won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."


THE CHURCH COLLECTION

A minister was in a bad area of the country, income was pitiful, the
plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, and the air conditioning didn't work.
People simply wouldn't come because of the heat. And being so poor the
church didn't have the money to pay to have repairs made.

He decided before he resigned that he would take a quick trip to gather
his courage for telling these folks goodbye.  He went to Las Vegas and
had just enough money to attend a cheap magician
show.
In the show the man was hypnotizing folks - making them act like
chickens and monkeys.  He was impressed.  He met with the magician and
ask him if he could teach him how to do this hypnotism thing.

The man gave him a quick course and he couldn't wait to get back to his
church.  His first Sunday back, he told his audience that he wanted to
tell them about his trip. Took out a watch and chain, and,as he swung it
back and forth, he talked softly as they went into a hypnotic trance.

He then stated: "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20.00
in the plate.  They did.  He had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.
Taking his watch out he says I want to tell you some more things about
my trip.

This time he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and
drop a $100 in the offering plate."  They did.  He got the air
conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking.I haven't been paid in a long time.
I deserve a little money.  Pulling his watch out he starts the swinging
again, and as he is softly speaking he starts thinking.
I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.  I deserve enough to go
overseas and have a cottage on the beach.  I deserve a lot more.  He
got so excited about what he was fixing to receive that his hands
start sweating and as the watch slips from his grip, he yells:

"Shit!"
 Took him two weeks to clean up the church.


GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he
advised new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones
had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never
happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of
the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new
recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into
battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to
your beneficiaries.  If you don't have GI insurance, and you
go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay
a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are
going to send into battle first?"

Landlord!!!

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's
wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the
terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the
mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are
about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their
rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the
landlord," he sobbed.


Update Date Jan. 8, 2000

No Headaches

On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening. "Oh, it's not
over yet." He said. Once home, he gives her a little black velvet
box. She opens it in anticipation, inside are two small tablets.
She asked, "But what are these two little pills?" "Aspirin." The
man replied. "But, I don't have a headache." She said. "There
you go, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!" he snidely said.


Good & Bad News


young couple decide to tie the knot and went to the doctor
for physical exams. Afterward the doctor calls the young
man into his office and told him he had some good news
and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is
that your fiancée has gonorrhea."

The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what
the hell is the bad news!?"  "Well,"  the doctor
elaborated, "the bad news is that she didn't get from you."


Go to heaven????

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and
approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked
up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to
tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."


Little Action!!!


Jon was looking for a little "action."  He picked up a sweet young thing at
the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know she was darn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times, she was screaming for more.  After the *eighth* time, Jon
told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the
urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find "it."

After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's
okay.  She's not here!"

Update Date Jan. 9, 2000

IN THE LOCKER ROOM

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball.
Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his
head and passes the three women.  He passes the first woman, who looks
down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.  He passes by the
second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband
either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.  He passes by the
third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she
says. "He's not even a member of this club."

PREGNANCY

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen
pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while
now...  Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees
the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty
air, filled with hopeless desire...  Feeling sorry for her husband, she
opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and
gives it to him. She says... "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here,
take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with
her tonight... But remember that this happens only once... Ok?... Don't
think about it or ask me to do this again.  The husband rolls his eyes
in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the
money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the
bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this
is not enough, she wants sixty dollars..."  The wife's face slowly turns
red with anger:  "Damn that bitch... When she was pregnant and her
husband came over here... I only charged him fifty..

HOT DOGS

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are
wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches
they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling 
hot dogs.

One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in
America?"

"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they
do."

They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."

The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two 
immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, 
hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

what to do for a date....

Linda, I don't know what to do," Jill said to her friend at work.
"That good-looking Steve in accounting asked me out for next
Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll
wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his
apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic
sex!" "Oh my, What should I do?" asked Jill.
Linda answered, "Wear an old dress!"

Man's Answering machine

Hi. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.   If you are my
parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid  institution, you
didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

TITSWIGGLE

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.  One day
when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run
away.

She was out all night asking if anyone had seen her dog.  After looking
and not finding her dog, she went home.  The next morning she met Little
Johnny who said that he had seen a stray dog.  The dog he described
matched hers exactly.

Upon finding out this information she asked Little Johnny, "Have you
seen my Titswiggle?"

Little Johnny said, "No, but can that be my reward?"


Update Date Jan. 10, 2000


 Little Johnny

A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette.
"Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up but says nothing.

"How old are you?"

"Six," Johnny says.

"Six?  When did you start smoking?"

"Right after the first time I got laid."

"Right after the first time you got laid?  When was that?"

Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."


I Don't Smoke!!!!

Futhman is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. 
He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want Wubbie to
dump him when she sees the size.

One night when he and Wubbie are making out in a dark corner 
he decides he will show her. Futhman unzips his pants, 
whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.

Wubbie says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke."


OH!!!!!OH!!!!!!

We have had no problem giving names to other decades such as the fifties,
sixties, seventies, etc.  I still haven't figured out what the hell we are
going to use for 2000 - Maybe the Oh Oh's ??
__________________________________________________

He:  I already have a nickname for you.

She:  And *what* is that?

He:  MasterCard.

She:  MasterCard?

He:  Yes, *MasterCard.*  I plan on mastering your possibilities and takin'
you to the limit.
____________________________________________________

Mario:  "So, how's it going with the ladies?"
Tom:    "Women to me are sex objects."
Mario:  "Really?"
Tom:    "Sure.  Whenever I mention sex, they object."

BLESSED MEN!!!

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above,,,,,,,,,

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"


Update Date Jan. 11, 2000


BAR PICKUP

While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, Myrddin decides to try his
luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.  To his
surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if
he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi, and as soon as they get back to her place, they
dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally, Myrddin, being totally spent, rolls over, pulls out a cigarette 
from his jeans and searches for his lighter.  Unable to find it, he asks the 
girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.  Naturally, Myrddin 
begins to worry. "Is this your husband?", he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be ridiculous," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?", demands Myrddin.  Calmly, the girl takes a match,
strikes it across the side of her face, and replies, "That's me before the
operation."

QUICKIES

  Q. What`s brown and taps on your bedroom window?
  A. Shit on stilts

  Q. Why do sexy hunks have bad memories?
  A. Umm... err... I forgot.

  Q. What do you call a genius in Poland?
  A. A tourist.

  Q. How many Poles does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A. One to change the bulb. 45 to queue for it.

  Q. What`s 20 foot long and full of vegetables?
  A. The queue at the the Houses Of Parliament`s bar

  Q: Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
  A: So men can tell if they're coming or going.


INDIAN SEX LIFE

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.  After a tour of the reservation they were on, she asked why there
was a difference in the number of feathers in the Braves' headresses.

She asked a Brave who had only one feather in his
headress.  His reply was,"Me have only one squaw, me have only one 
feather."

She asked another Brave, feeling that the first fellow was only
joking.  This  Brave had four feathers in his headress.  He replied, "Ugh,
me have four feathers because me sleep me sleep with four squaws."

Still not convinced that the number of feathers indicated the number
of squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had
a headress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
She asked the Chief,"Why do you have so many feathers in your headress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said,"Me Chief, me fuck 'em
all big, small, fat, tall, me fuck 'em all.  Horrified, Ms. Walters stated,
"you ought to be hung."  The Chief replied,"You damned right me
hung........big like buffalo, long like snake".

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so damn hostile."  The Chief
replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "OH dear."  The Chief said,
no deer.....me no fuck deer.  Asshole to high, and fuckers run to fast.  No
fuck deer."

COUNT AGAIN!!!!

Jill was in bed with a man (not her husband) and the heat was up high.
All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?"

"Aw, just stay in bed with me.  He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna
notice you here with me."

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the
thought of getting caught in bed with Jill, so he trusted Jill's advice.

Sure enough, Jill's husband comes crawling into bed and as he pulls
the covers over him, he pulls the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey", he yells, "what the hell is going on?  I see six feet at the end
of the bed."

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count.  If you don't believe me, count
them again."


q & a

Q:  What should you do if you meet a nympho?
A:  Thank your lucky stars, and start believing in God!

Q:  What's the main advantage women have over men when it comes to sex?
A:  They're multi-orgasmic!

Q:  What's the difference between social intercourse and sexual 
intercourse?
A:  One's all talk, the other's all action!
____________________________________________________

A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only".

"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."

"That's OK, "she says. "I'll take two of them."


PEANUTS

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the 
beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed 
that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of 
the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the 
man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the 
bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not 
a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "Say what?" replied the man in 
disbelief. "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're 
complimentary."

ears?


Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his
name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a 
conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, 
and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe 
broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and
said, "Let's go to my apartment,
I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door
and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off 
completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you
say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's
got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at
these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work 
out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my 
skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best
part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you
said you heard someone coming...That was me."


Update Date Jan. 12, 2000


One-Liners

Eschew Obfuscation.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - 
John Mendoza

Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to 
a child. She must
be found and stopped.

Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all 
night.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.


FUTH AT THE YMCA

At the YMCA one day, a really fat man called Futh got out of the shower and
Thorn saw him.  Thorn said, "I don't mean to be rude, but you are FAT!"
Futh said, "Yeah, I know I'm really big."
Thorn asked, "Man, how long's it been since you've seen your dick?"
Futh says, "LONG time, Man."
Thorn asks, "Well, why don't you diet?"
Futh asks, "WHY?  What color is it now?"


OUT ON THE BALCONY

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance 
just drove by." A few minutes passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a 
new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The startled father 
asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

THE CHANGE


A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help 
me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells her to
relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten 
worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and 
come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm
still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars 
come out! What the heck is wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, you're just going through your change!


Update Date Jan. 13, 2000

Arrangements!!!!

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family
discusses funeral arrangements.  Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big 
thing out of it.  We'll have five hundred people.  We'll order fifty limos."

Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that?  We'll
have the family and maybe a few friends.  One limo just for us."

They proceed.  Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers.  We'll
surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

Daughter Alice says, "What a waste!  We'll have one little bouquet, 
that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the
bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants?  I'll walk to the cemetery."

~SNAKE~~~~~~


A big Texan ambles into a Dallas men's room and does a double-take at the
little guy standing at the next urinal.  He's holding his "snake" with two
hands and smiling.

The Texan asks "How long is that snake fella?"

"14 inches."

"Is that 14 inches soft?"

"Yes."

"Well how long is it when it's hard?"

The little guy answers proudly, "I don't know - it takes so much blood, I
faint!"

WHAT'S WHAT

Little Johnny is bored one Saturday, so he says to his dad, "Dad, I'm
bored. What is there to do?"  His dad decides to have a little fun with
Johnny, so he gives him four quarters and says, "Why don't you go to the
drug store and get me some what's what?"  Baffled but excited, Johnny
scampers down the street to the drug store. He asks the druggist for
some "what's what," and at first the druggist is confused, until he
guesses that this kid has been sent out on a wild goose chase. He
replies, "We don't have any, but that building over there might," while
at the same time he points towards a whorehouse.  Johnny, again excited,
runs over to the whorehouse. He knocks on the door and a naked women
answers. He says, "I need some...hey, what's that?" motioning to her
crotch?  "What's what?" she replies. Satisfied, Johnny says, "I'll take
a dollar's worth!"


TWIN BROTHERS

It seems there was two brothers by the same name of Jones.  John was
married and Joe was single.  The single brother was the proud owner of a
dilapitated boat.  It so happened that John's wife died the same day that
Joe's boat filled with water and sank.  A few days later, a kind old lady
met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John said:

"Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear about your misfortune.  You
must feel terrible".  Then Joe spoke up saying,"Well, I'm not a bit sorry.
She was a rotten old thing from the start, her bottom was all chewed up,
and she smelled of dead fish, and even the first time into her she made
water faster than anything I ever saw.  She had a bad crack in back and a
pretty bad hole in the front, and the hole got bigger and bigger every time
I used her.  It got so I could handle her like everything but this is wehat
finished her.  Four guys from this side of town came down looking for a
good time, and asked if they could rent her.  Well, I warned them she
wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway.  The
results was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once and she
cracked right up the middle.

The Old Lady Fainted.


Update Date Jan. 14, 2000


THE $100 TATTOO

A guy goes to a tattoo parlor and asks how much it would cost to get a 
picture tattooed on his dick.

The artist tells him it will cost $1000.

So the client hands him a $100 bill and says "OK.  Please tattoo a picture 
of this $100 bill on my dick."

"OK" says the artist.  Then, out of curiousity, he asks the guy "But why do
you want a picture of a $100 bill tattooed on to you dick?"

The client says "Never mind.  Just do it, please."

Now even more curious, the artist then says "OK, I'll tell you what ... 
I'll do the tattoo for you and you can keep your $1000, if you'll just tell me why 
you want a tattoo of a $100 bill on your dick."

Accepting the offer, the client tells him "OK.  here's why:
1)  I like playing with my money
2)  I like watching my money grow.
3)  The next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay at home and do 
it."

MOVING IN TOGETHER

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One
day Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying
two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking
separate meals. We should just move in together.

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?

Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.

Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?

Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

Betsy: Who would do the cooking?

Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.

Betsy: What about sex?

Elmer: Infrequently.

Betsy: Is that one word or two?


 NEVER BEEN WITH A WOMEN

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to
marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful
years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up
corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian
outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the
bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom,
she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all
the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."


MY LAST WISH 

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village 
together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair 
of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. 
But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, 
surrounded by his friends. 
He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for 
ye." O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. 
"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 
'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." 
O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. 
It's done." 
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest 
whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. 
After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to 
pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me 
bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." 
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit 
of his friend's request. 
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the 
whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?" 

THE DRINKER 

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender 
came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the 
Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried 
to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured 
he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh 
air and hopefully that would sober him up. 
Once outside he stood up and fell again -- right on his face. 
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he 
arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. 
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. 
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. 
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly 
fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his 
head hit the pillow. 
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him 
shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" 
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent 
look. 
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."


Update Date Jan. 15, 2000


Oranges...Not That 

A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. 
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and
the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the 
prostitutes lined up in a straight line. Along comes the
grandma and sees her grand daughter. 
Grandma asks the grand daughter,  'What are you lining up for.' 

Granddaughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth, 
told her grandma that some people were passing out free 
oranges and that she was lining up for some. 

Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. 

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from
the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered
and asked, 

'You are so old, how do you do it?' 

Grandma replies, 'Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures 
and suck them dry!' 
 

Some Basis 

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling
at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, 'Can you tell me
how old the dinosaur bones are?' 
The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.' 

'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know
their age so precisely?' 

The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years
old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.' 
 

Growing Old  

Paul Erdos, currently most prolific mathematician in history, is 
always making jokes about how old he is. (He says, for example, 
that he is two and a half billion years old, because in his youth 
the age of the Earth was known to be two billion years and now it 
is known to be 4.5 billion years.) 

He observed one day that the audiences at his talks had been getting
larger and larger, to the point where they filled halls so big that 
his old and feeble voice could not be heard. Erdos speculated as
to the cause of this. 

'I think,' he said, 'it must be that everyone wants to be able to say 
'I remember Erdos; why, I even attended his last lecture!'' 
 
My Report!!! 

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. 

'Need some help?', a secretary, walking by, asked. 

'Yes,' he replied, 'how does this thing work?' 

'Simple,' she said, taking the fat report from his hand and 
feeding it into the shredder. 

'Thanks, but where do the copies come out?' 


Update Date Jan. 17, 2000

Sperm Bank

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The
bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that
pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my
fingers!"


NOT WORTH IT!!!!


An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes 
up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian 
pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth 
it?"

"Oh, they are worth it. My wife is not worth it."


WHAT WILL WE CALL THE CHILD?

Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this
beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.

Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to
her, when she says "What will we name the child?"

The guy freaks and runs away. So the second guy goes over to her
and starts "doing his thing" when she says, "What will we name
the child?"

He freaks out also and runs away.

The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom
and goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the
child?  He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but
he keeps going.

Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the
end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean. He turns to the
girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini."


Update Date Jan. 18, 2000


THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their
Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs
to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and
robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware
that his new bride had already had more than enough to drink.

Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirlwind
courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom.

"God!" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always
ends up the same way."


"Pulled Over"

Morris was driving when a policeman pulled him
over. He rolled down his window and said to
the officer, "Is there a problem,  Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe
driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000
Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do
you think you're going to do with the money?"

Morris thought for a minute and said, "Well, I
guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Sherry, sitting in the passenger seat said to the
policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him --
he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

Jerome from the back seat said, "I TOLD you
guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the
trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over
the border yet ?"

THIN WALL


One very rainy night this old couple changed their plans and stopped at 
this "Honeymoon Hotel" because driving anymore down the highway really was 
foolish.

Well, no sooner did they get to bed than the wall behind their headboard
started to bump irregularly and through the paper -thin walls the older 
fella heard a young woman's voice say "Oh Honey, you're so strong".

This old fella turns to his wife and says "Why don't you ever say that to 
me?

"Because you are not strong anymore" was his wife's answer.

Then the young woman's voice said "Oh, you're so romantic"

Why don't you ever say that to me?" asks the old fella to his wife.

"Because you are not romantic anymore" his wife said.

Then the young female said "Oh, that was a wonderful climax. Thank You!"

The old fella asked in a loud voice "Why don't you ever tell ME when you 
have a great climax?"

His wife sits up in bed, turns and stares at her husband and promptly yells
back her answer. "Because you're never around when I have them!!!"


NUDIST

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door
was opened by a nude woman.

"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine
questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen," The lady replied.

"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist -- you just don't have time to get
dressed!"


SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY

Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide
to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.  Lo and behold they run
out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more.
As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda -Lou to show Mark her
best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou
screwing right on the kitchen floor.

Bubba yells, " What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies " You told me to show Mark my best southern hospitality."

Bubba then says "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Mark's balls
are on the cold kitchen floor."


Update Date Jan. 19, 2000


Jump Twice 

A blonde and a brunette were at work when they heard on the radio that
a man was about to commit suicide by jumping off of a freeway overpass. 
The brunette bets the blonde fifty dollars that the man will jump, and 
the blonde responds quickly betting the same amount that he won't jump.
About fifteen minutes later, they hear that the man has jumped and 
killed himself. 

The blonde pulls out the money to pay the brunette, but the brunette 
refuses. The blonde keeps insisting and finally the brunette admits 
that she saw the whole thing on TV an hour before. 

The blonde replies, 'That's OK, I saw the 
 
Expose No More 

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head 
stands, Susan was advised not to practise it in her new school since
her underwear is usually exposed. 
Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager
to tell Mom about the great audience of boys she attracted at school
when showing off her skills. 

Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied,
'No Mom they were not seeing my panties.' 

'How come sweetie?', said Mom. 

'Because I took them off Mom.' she replied. 

 
Good Food 

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, she was so poor she didn't
know what to do. She had many children...and they were very hungry, 
but they had no food to eat. So the kids went around looking for food, 
hoping to find anything they could get. 
After a long time, they discovered a huge pot,10 ft high and in the 
middle of the forest. They put a ladder against it and to their amazement
it was filled with a white creamy substance. Upon tasting it, they 
discovered that it was really quite delicious. So for the next few weeks
they would return and fill up their pots with the newly discovered 
'mayonnaise'. And each time they returned, they found the pot filled
to the top. 

The children were very happy, for they were no longer hungry. But now,
they were curious, and wondered how their magical pot was filled every 
time they went to it. So they decided to go to the pot a bit earlier
one day to thank whoever had saved them from their hunger. 

As they waited, a loud rumble was heard and a giant appeared form nowhere
...the kids were scared and hid in the bushes, not sure whether to 
approach the giant or not. 

But a least they knew who to thank for all the food. 

They were happy and they watched the giant walk to the pot...
and bend down and squeeze his pimples into it. 
 
Pillsbury Doughboy

Dear Friends:

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and 
complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was 
buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out, 
including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty 
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled 
high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, 
describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". 

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later
life was filled with many turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart 
cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.   Despite being a 
little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered  a roll 
model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise  once again, 
but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play 
Dough.  They have two children,  and one in the oven. The funeral was held 
at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Update Date Jan. 20,2000

JEWISH OR BLACK???


Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father",
his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same
question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want
to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait
till its dark and steel the fucking thing

POOR JIM~~~~

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off.
Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a
surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching
limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned
in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I
expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and
there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and
Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took
it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher.
Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6
hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the
soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was
Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his
head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and
the rest of Jim to the surgeon.

The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are
really tough. Come back on 12 hours."

So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon
said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."

Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim
suffocated in that plastic bag."

One-Liners

The early bird still has to eat worms.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather
does on forecasters.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who
invented the other three, he was the genius.

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the
glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks the water.

The score was Hydrogen: 2 and Oxygen: 1 when the game was called
because of rain.

SUPERTITIOUS

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in
Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a  young lady in
a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own
bottle and retire to his motel  room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ???  My God, girl !!!  You get those clothes back on at
once at get the hell outta here !  Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet
smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"


Update Date Jan. 21,2000
Following are submitted by Lee B. of Sewperfect

Exercise is good for you......

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 
now and we don't know where the heck she is.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a 
pound. Apparently you have to show up.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy 
breathing again.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would 
have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


Rules To Live By


1.  I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day.
    Tomorrow's not looking good either.

2.  I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as
    they go flying by.

3.  Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4.  Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
    statue.

5.  Needing someone is like needing a parachute: if he isn't there the
    first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6.  I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.

7.  My reality check bounced.

8.  On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

9.  I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

10. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
    butter!

11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...

12. Never argue with an idiot.  They drag you down to their level then
    beat you with experience.

*The following were submitted by Elsa J. of Buena Park,CA
Clinton's Q and A

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S.  leader

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?????
A. A cherry  float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat  IT - we're closed.

Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To  find a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A.  It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the  speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why did  Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's  face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A.  Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What's another  name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's  cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q. What's the  difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light  on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if  you have a good hand.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an  orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of  macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a Christmas  tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration. 

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell  out of the dog.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth  it.

Q. What was the last thing Bill Clnton said to Monica Lewinsky after  the
trial?
A. I told you to "lick my erection" not "wreck my  election!"

MEN ARE DEADBEATS!!! Just a joke..
*Submitted by a lady from Texas

I don't want to give the impression that all men are deadbeats.  Far
from it!  Some men are kind, intelligent, caring, giving individuals.
However, the majority of the men I've known intimately are drooling,
knuckle-dragging sub-humans.  On the other hand, maybe my expectations
are too high.  Let's see.  I would like a man who stands erect and
doesn't eat steak and a baked potato with his hands (Yes, it happened on
a blind date.).  I'd like a man with a functional brain so that he can
communicate in words and sentences, rather than with grunts and hand
motions.  I'd like a man with an education, preferably post-grammar
school. I'd like a man with a job and an income of his own, other than
what he makes on football pools.  The job should involve actually DOING
something other than riding around, drinking whiskey, and bullshitting
people.  (He called it "Selling insurance.")  That doesn't pay very
well.  And finally, I'd like a man who doesn't think with his penis.  Is
that too much to ask?

 RUN!!!!!!RUN!!!!!

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a
young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood.

They parked their truck at one end of the alley and worked
their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman
was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as
they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged
his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to
the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger
one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind
them.

They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men
running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"


Update Date Jan. 22,2000

TRANSPLANT

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was
about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who
was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my
friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good
health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years
old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't
rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married 
women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such
thing as a good man.
_________________________________________________

The only reason you joined the Navy was to meet all the men your
mother has been with and maybe find your father."

HEART MURMUR!!!!

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope,
he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur.
Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,
you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said,
"Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

 ETC.

It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security".
For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can 
you really feel "secure".

Q: What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A: A bloody waste of fucking time.!!!!


Update Date Jan. 23,2000


Drink Beer! 

A herd of buffalo can only move as the slowest buffalo, 
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back, that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole keeps improving 
by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much
the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast 
as the slowest brain cells. 

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest 
brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of 
beer eliminates the weaker cells constantly making the 
brain a faster and more efficient machine. The results 
of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and v
alidates the casual link between all-weekend parties an
engineering performance. It also explains why, after a 
few short years of leaving university and getting married,
most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the 
new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict 
regimen of voracious alcholic consumption can maintain 
the intellectual levels that they achieved during their
university years. 

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its
technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.
Get back into the bars! Drink that beer! Your company 
and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
deny yourself the career that you could have. 
Be all that you can be. 

 
My Dog 

Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover' or 'Spot' 
I made the mistake of calling mine 'Sex'.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went 
to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk 
I would like a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to 
have one too!' Then I said, 'But this is for a dog.' 
He said, 'I don't care what she looks like.' Then I said,
'You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years 
old.' He said, 'You must have been quite a kid.'
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the 
dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special
room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was 
for sex. I said, 'You don't understand, Sex keeps me 
awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me too.'

One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition
began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing.
I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. 
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. 
When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him
up I said, 'I've come for my dog.' She said, 'Which one, 
Spot or Rover?' I said, 'What about Sex?' She slapped me. 
After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked 
if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking 
in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking
for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for 
custody of the dog. I said, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before 
I was married.' He said, 'What's your point, so did I.' 
I said, 'But my wife wants to take Sex away.' He said, 
'That's what happens in a divorce.'

Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all
over town. A cop came over to me and asked, 'What are you 
doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?' I said 
I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up on Friday. 
I hope u liked it! 

Praise The Lord 

A man goes to a dude ranch to rent a horse.  Upon getting 
there he is told by the owner that this is a Christian dude 
ranch and that the horses respond to special commands.  
'To make the horse go you say 'Praise the Lord.' and to 
make him stop you say 'Amen',' said the owner.  
The man picked a horse, saddled it, mounted it, and said, 
'Giddyup.' Nothing happened. 

'Giddyup' he repeated. 

Again, nothing happened. Finally the owner came out and said, 
'I told you, you have to say 'Praise the Lord' to make the 
horse go. The man said, 'Praise the Lord' and the horse 
immediately started up. 

They were then having a good time on the prairie, when 
suddenly a rattlesnake shook its tail and scared the horse.  
The man now had a runaway horse on his hands and they were 
headed straight to the edge of a cliff. Frantically the man 
yelled, 'Whoa, whoa.' The horse kept going.  He kept yelling 
'whoa' but the horse wouldn't stop and the edge of the cliff 
was closer and closer.  'Oh, what's the word?' he yelled.  

'Amen,' he shouted and the horse instantly stopped, just in time.  
The man looked over the front of the horse's head and could look 
down into the depths of the canyon. Relieved and wiping his brow 
he said, 'Praise the Lord.' 


Married 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in 
the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial 
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman 
on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, 
'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering
if you could possibly pass me another blanket.' 

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, 'I've got a 
better idea...let's pretend we're married.' 

'Why not,' giggles the woman. 

'Good,' he replies. 'Get your own damn blanket.' 
 

Update Date Jan. 24,2000


WHICH ANIMAL?

The daycare teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?"
"A horsy," one child answered.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replied another youngster.

"And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a
male deer with a beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now children," she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint.
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her
a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" said one little girl. "It's a horny bastard."

PUTT

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They
are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the
wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see
her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the
way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you
missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick." The wife
just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but
it was much harder!"

MECHANIC TROUBLE?

I was driving down the road when I saw her pulled over on the shoulder.

She had nice headlights and smooth fenders. She flashed her taillights so I
stopped and grasped my toolbox. She opened her hood and showed me her 
tubes.

I wasted no time and undid her fan belt. I pulled out my dipstick and she
clutched my Slick 50. I asked her to stroke my piston while I examined her
rear end. I couldn't stand it any longer so I jumped her battery and 
dropped her pan. She turned over my engine then she blew my cylinder head.

Right when I thought I was going to get her motor running, a big engine 
burst though her doors and I reached for the valve covers. He was a Cherokee,
straight out of impound. He was on independent front suspension for 
vehicular homicide.

I reached for my grease gun, but he pulled out a jackknife and held it to 
my pinion.I feared for my life so I kicked the big axle right in the lug 
nuts.His engine seized on the spot and his warranty expired. It was a closed
gasket funeral. "What a grease ball!" she said as she lit a CV joint.

She was a straight six before all this happened but now she was a real 
winch.I asked her to be my grill, but she called me a fuel. She told me she had 
six cylinders from previous carriages, so I packed up my trunk and threw on my
hubcap.I called her once but we had a bad transmission.

It was 5 gears or so until I saw her again, she had a ring on her piston 
and her axle was oversized, so my temperature remained cool and I retained all 
my fluids.


Update Date Jan. 25,2000

WHAT YOU GET FOR $ 25.00


George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to
celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and
registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very
friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George,
she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called
down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough
to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George
opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can
buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she
left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

 YOUR HONOR!!!

Your honor, I am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on porch on
a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your 
Honor.

So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor. Why,
Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old
legs and say to him,
"Take me, young man, Take me!"
That's when he yelled, "April Fool"
and that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch!!
  
NO OFFENSE!!!!!!!!

        Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
*   >>> >> >> >> > > Ask your mom.


*    How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
*   >>> >> >> >> > > Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.


*    What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
*   >>> >> >> >> > > Say, "Nice dick."


*    How do you know you're leading a sad life?
            When a nymophomaniac tells  you, "Let's just be friends."


*    Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
*   >>> >> >> >> > > Because they have cotton balls.


*    Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.
         What do single guys have?
*   >>> >> >> >> > > Palm Sunday


*    Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
*   >>> >> >> >> > > The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.


*    What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
                > >>> >>Miracle Whip.


*    What does a 80 year old woman have between her
breasts?
*   >>> >> >> >> > > Her navel.


Update Date Jan. 26,2000

HEALING POWER

This elderly couple is watching one of those television
preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends,
I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching
this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other
hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal
you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so
she places one hand on the television, and her other hand
on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the
television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other
hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about
healing the sick, not raising the dead."

ANNIVERSARY GIFTS!!!

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a
lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said,
"You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring
and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring,
she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas.
I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip,
and she would know that I love her." The biker then took a big swig from his
beer, and said, "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt
and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go fuck
herself."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

Reports showed that intellectuals don't have much sex,
You can use this data as justification for your life of celibacy.

Wise Sayings Of Confucius

Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say...
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement

Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.

Confucius say....
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say...
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Confucius say...
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.


Update Date Jan. 27,2000

PISS ME OFF!!!

One night after Myrddin had had one too many, and could find a place to
relieve himself, he decided that some isolated church steps nearby would be 
a place where he could finally find relief from the many beers he had drank.

As he was just finishing peeing, Mother Superior happened upon the scene.
She saw that Myrddin was still hanging loose and she ask, "Sir, as you 
know, I'v never seem a man's testicles, would you mind if I held one to see how 
it feels?"

"Anyshing you swant, lady", he said in his replied in his drunken state.

Holding one of his testicles in her hands, she explained, "Wow, I have 
never felt anything so soft and warm in my life.  Uh, would you mind if I felt 
the other one?"

"Hey, anyshing thats turns you one, baby"

As she held each testicle in her hands, explaining how wonderful and soft
they felt in her hands, she suddenly starts to smash the two testicles
together saying, "NEVER piss on the church steps."

PUNCTUATION!

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to
punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is nothing."

COMING OR GOING????

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an
apparent heart attack the gentleman had.  When the squad got there is
was too late and the man had died.  While consoling the wife one of the
rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.  He asked the lady what
symptoms theman had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart
attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.  I
thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

HE BIGGER THE DUMBER

Two parents take their son on a vacation. They end up at a
nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach. The son
goes to play in the water. Shortly after, the boy runs back
to his mother, and says," Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobs
a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are the dumber
they are."

The little boy runs back to the water and continues to play.
Several minutes later, the little boy runs back to his mother
and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with penises a lot bigger
than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replied.

The boy again runs back into the water and continues to play.
Several minutes later, the little boy runs back to his mother
and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest
lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"


HOUGHT FOR THE DAY 

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion
eventually fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its
place.-- Anonymous

Update Date Jan. 28,2000

 THE BEST ONE

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his 
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing 
all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a 
test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. 
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent 
E-mails. They sent out E-mails with attachments. They downloaded. They did 
some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across 
the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity 
went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word 
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally 
flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan 
started searching frantically and screamed, “It’s gone. It’s all gone. I 
lost everything when the power went off.”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the 
past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated. 
How did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1.    Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2.    Why is the third hand on the watch called the
        second hand?
3.    If a word is misspelled in the dictionary,
        how would we ever know?
4     If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where
        did he find the words?
5.    Why do we say something is out of whack?
        What is a whack?
6.    Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the
        same thing?
7.    Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean
        the same thing?
8.    Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9.    Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
        when we are already there?
10.  Why are they called "stands" when they are made
         for  sitting?
11.   Why is it called "after dark" when it really
         is "after light"?
12.   Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the
         unexpected expected?
13.   Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy'
         opposites?
14.   Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite
         things?
15.   Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16.   If work is so terrific, why do they have to
         pay you to do it?
17.   If all the world is a stage, where is the
         audience sitting?
18.   If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19.   If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can
         you read all right?
20.   Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21.   Why do you press harder on the buttons of a
         remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22.   Why do we put suits in garment bags and
         garments in a suitcase?
23.   How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24.   Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean
         when we use them?
25.   Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
         bottle?
26.   Why do they call it a tv set, when you only get one?


 MORE TO THINK ABOUT

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it
and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George
Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no
hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he
still hear his walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get
mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy
all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf
people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut
butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do
the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they
make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go
with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have
parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him
around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a
picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball
game,"when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?


Update Date Jan. 29,2000

SEX WITH A PATIENTS

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's
activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions.
Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good
moral side and that of his mischievious side.

While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says "don't
worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."

The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions.   Again
the voice says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex
with their patients."

Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel
better about himself at which time another voice in head says,
"but you're a veterinarian."


YOU WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?????

Do you want to be a Millionaire." then you will
appreciate this joke..........otherwise enjoy anyways.

After dinner Regis and his wife retired to the bedroom.  With high hopes,
Regis asked his wife if she would like to make love.  She replied with her
usual, "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache."  "Hmmmm," mused Regis, "is
that your final answer?"  "Yes, it is" replied the wife.

Regis thought this over for a moment and then asked, "May I phone a
friend?"

Q and A

What does the postage stamp usually say to the envelope?
"STICK WITH ME, HONEY AND YOU 'LL GO PLACES!"

Still A Compliment 

A furious mother screamed at her son. 'Come here, boy! You were rude to Mrs Don's 
daughter Doris at the school dance last night, weren't you?' 

'I was nice to her, mom! Or at least I tried; I even gave her a compliment!' 

'Did you, indeed? What exactly did you say?' 

'I said, Doris, you sweat less than any fat girl I have danced with!' 
 
Update Date Jan. 30,2000

MERGER NAMES
Just wanted to share some insider merger information -- have this from very
reliable sources -- may want to keep an eye out on the following merger
opportunities......

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape
deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers
merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMM-Good.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to
become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing
reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge
and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will
merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.


FAST FACTS:

The earliest known legal text was written by Ur Nammu in 2100 B.C.
The first lawyer joke was told shortly thereafter.


Habeas Corpus became law because of the arrest and
imprisonment of Alice Robinson. She was found guilty of having
a wild party in London. Few people know this but Habeas Corpus
really means, "shut up, people are trying to sleep here."


ABOUT MONEY!!!

How long has money been around?
(answer below)

==================================================================

The Answer:

Well, it hasn't been around my wallet for very long, but that
needn't concern you. The important point is that as early as
about 7,000 AD, 6,950 years before plastic credit cards,
cattle were used as money in the first agricultural
civilizations. (How did they make change, with calves? We
don't know.)

The first coins, pieces of bronze shaped like cattle, appeared
5000 years later. But their value was determined by their
weight, making their use cumbersome.

Coins as we know them, with their value imprinted on them,
were first produced in Lydia in 800 BC. Somewhere in this
period the Chinese briefly used paper currency, but the first
consistent use of paper money was by the French in the 18th
century--just in time to be spent on the first over-priced
bottles of wine.


Update Date Feb.  2, 2000

Leaked Out 

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his 
plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom. 
He says to the co-pilot, 'I think I'll go take a shit and then try
to screw that new blonde stewardess.' 

The stewardess hears it, and as she goes rushing up the aisle to 
tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls 
on her ass. A little old lady looks down at her and says, 'There's
no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first.' 
 
Zoos Defy Nature 

A baby camel said to its mother one day: 'Why do I have such long 
eye lashes?' She replied, 'Because they shield your eyes from the 
desert dust storms' 
'And why,' said the little camel, 'do I have such big feet?' 
She answered, 'That's so you won't sink down in the sand' 

'And why do I have a hump on my back?' 'That's so you can carry a 
large quantity of food and water, so you can survive for a month 
in the desert' 

'Well Mommy, so what the hell am I doing in a zoo?!' 
 
Flying 

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos
of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any 
good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
'It will be waiting for you at the airport!' he was assured by his editor. 
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane 
was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and 
yelled, 'Let's go! Let's go!' The pilot swung the plane into the wind 
and soon they were in the air. 

'Fly over the north side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and 
make three or four low level passes.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because
I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take
pictures!' said the photographer with great exasperation. 

After a long pause the pilot muttered, 

'You mean...you're not the instructor?'
 
When Diseases Become Good News 

Well, this guy went to the doctor because he wasn't feeling well.
After the examination the doctor says: 'I've got some good new 
and some bad news for you' 
The guy says: 'Ok, give me the bad news first' 

Doctor: 'You've got cancer' 

Guy: 'Jeez, can't imagine there's good news possible ?' 

Doctor: 'Well, you also got Alzheimer, so tomorrow you won't
remember you have cancer....' 
 

Update Date Feb. 3, 2000


THE AGENT!!!!

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been
selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long
lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He
approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted
to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her
the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his
head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten
percent as a deduction?"

"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full
price for it, just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local
night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the
lights.

At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a
little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again.
The  actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never
realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the darn
door selling tickets."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!!!

It's hard to plan for the future... When you're so busy fixing what
you fucked up yesterday

Want a Divorce

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a
lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he
keeps forgetting that he's married!"
______________________________________

Today's Quote
"It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in
divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky
ones!"
-- Richard Jeni


THE STARS


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the
night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions
of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow.  Why, what does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."


SHARING FOR LIFE

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening.  They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night.  Some of the customers looked 
admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple
who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his 
order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.  The couple took
a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half.  He placed one half in front of his wife.  Then he carefully
counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed 
pile in front of his wife.  He took a sip of the drink, his wife took
a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to 
get restless.  Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor
old couple.  All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came
over to the old couples table.  He politely offered to buy another meal
for the old couple to eat.  The old man replied that they were just fine.
They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little
old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat 
and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came
over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.  This time the 
lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.  Again he came 
over to their table and offered to buy some food.  After being politely
refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Maam, why aren't you eating.  You said that you share everything.  
What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."


Update Date Feb. 4, 2000

She Don't Have The Grounds 

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking 
down the avenue when one observed a rather well dressed and attractive
lady walking just ahead of them. 
One of them turned to the other and remarked, 'I'd give $50.00 to 
spend the night with that woman.' 

To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and turning
around she said, 'I'll take you up on that.' She had a neat appearance
and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion goodnight, the man
accompanied the lady to her apartment where they immediately went to bed. 

The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared 
to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating that, 'If you don't
give me the $25.00, I'll sue for it.' 

He laughed, saying, 'I'd like to see you get it on these grounds.' 

The next morning he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his 
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer
and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, 'She can't 
possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be
interesting to see how her case will be presented.' 

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the 
court as follows: 

'Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property,
a garden spot. Surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property
she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for 
the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used
it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon 
evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00, one half of the amount 
of rent agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted
property and we ask that a judgement be granted against the defendant
to assure the balance.' 

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amazed at the way his opponent
has presented his case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered 
from the way he originally planned it. 

'Your honor, he said, 'My client agrees that the young lady has a fine 
piece of property, that he did rent such a property for a time and a 
degree of pleasure was derived form the transaction. However, my client 
found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, 
sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed 
by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to 
offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately 
compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that
judgement not be granted.' 

The young lady's lawyer comeback was thus, 'Your honor, my client agrees
that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
the improvements such as my opponent described. However, had the defendant
not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property.' 

'Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, 
pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not 
only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the 
hole much bigger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily 
accessible to little children. We, therefore, ask that the judgement 
be granted.' 

And she got it. 
 

Insurance Jokes 

~Fire Sale~ 
The man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to 
the insurance company and asked for the list. 

First there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there 
was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed 
that there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50! 
So, he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price 
the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?' 

So, the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.' 

~Free Water~ 

A man wanted to buy fire insurance for his wooden leg, so he 
asked around. The first company offered $10000. The next offered 
$8000. However, the last one only offered $1000. 

The man was very curious, so he asked why it was so low. The agent 
said, 'You will have a ready supply of water near your wooden leg, 
so if you let it get burnt it would be your own fault.' 

~Insurance Don~ 

Q : Whats the difference between an insurance company CEO and 
the mafia don? 

A : The insurance company CEO can tell you how many people will 
die this year. The mafia don can tell you the names of all of them. 

 


MIDGETS HONEYMOON!!
Following were submitted by Gilda of Dallas, TX

A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they go on their
honeymoon.

When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how was his honeymoon.
He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed." His friend  asks
him why he was disappointed.

He replies, "Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes were in it. When
we were toes to toes, my nose was in it. And when I was in it,  there
was no one to talk to."

MEN VS WOMEN

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots'
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you
ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and
you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always
a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You'
drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least
once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get
over this need.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well
as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms,
either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Update Date Feb. 5, 2000

HOUSEKEEPER

So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the
garage door open.
																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																												  
" It's my husband,"  the woman says. " Here start ironing these."
tossing him a pile of shirts.

The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing
shirts.

She tells him that he is the new housekeeper.

Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the
shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't
help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to
him.

The man looks at him and says," Pal are you talking about a nice
looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of
Main and Park?"
" Yes, I am."
" Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway."

GET A TV

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her
idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain.
And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up,
"Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

MEN & WOMEN PART II

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function
as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and
shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a
naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of  Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of the items.


Update Date Feb. 6, 2000

MEN & WOMEN  PART III


GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items