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Just Jokes - Continued

  • REALLY, REALLY BAD PICK-UP LINES "I've thought you were beautiful since I first saw you through the smoke and haze from the other side of the night-club, now that I'm closer I can see that smoke doesn't only give you heart disease and lung cancer, it also distorts your vision." "I love every bone in your body - especially mine." "My friends and I saw you over here, and decided that a girl as beautiful as you can't be left to sit on her own. So, we drew lots to see who would come over here and ask you to dance. I lost, so here I am." "Look, you're a nice girl, I'm a nice guy. Would you like to take a shower?" "I'm an organ donor. Do you need anything?" "Is that a ladder in your stocking, or a stairway to Heaven?" "I've been watching you dance, and seeing as neither of us can dance, do you want to buy me a drink?" "I've been staring at your hair for about fifteen minutes, and it's just made me wonder what colour your nipples are." "What's a sleazy girl like you doing in a nice place like this?"
  • TRAIN Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo. This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."
  • One-Liners The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. Get the facts first, THEN you can distort them as much as you please. A typical thirty year career goes like this... You start off by being the youngest person on the staff--And you wind up by working for the youngest person on the staff. I plead contemporary insanity. And which dwarf are you? Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will establish a reputation as an expert. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. If you take the "serve" out of service, you get "ice". Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of power are feared, but only men of character are trusted. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • W.I.F.E. Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that? "The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry says,"A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says, "That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
  • kitchen A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," the woman replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it." "Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested. The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her. "Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50." The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
  • Some thoughts 1. The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son. 2. Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government. 3. Widows are not the only people who have late husbands. 4. For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony. 5. Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached. 6. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law. 8. She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man's company unless he owns it. 9. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
  • car accident Two men get into a terrible car accident. Both cars are totaled, but amazingly, neither man is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, one man says to the other "There's nothing left of our cars, but at least we weren't injured. This must be a sign from god that we were meant to meet, be friends, and live together in peace the rest of our lives." The other man replies, "I totally agree with you. This must be a sign from God." "And look at this," continues the first man, "It's another miracle. My car was completely destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine to celebrate our good fortune!" He hands the bottle to the other man, who promptly takes a few big gulps and hands the bottle back. The man takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on. The other man asks, "Aren't you going to have a drink?" "No, I think I'll wait for the police to join us," the man said.
  • COFFEE The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial. "Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?" "Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied. "And when was that?" pressed the attorney. "Well... when he asked for his third cup." she said. Update Date: Dec. 17,1999
  • Me or Her?! A wife was complaining to her husband how another man always kisses his wife every time they meet. 'Why don't you follow that guy?' 'I would love to, dear,' replied the husband. 'But I don't know the girl well enough.'
  • Bull's Eye! At a commuter train station a policeman noticed a woman driver bowed over the steering wheel of her car. 'Is there anything wrong?' said the policeman. Half crying and half laughing the woman responded, 'For ten years I have driven my husband to the station to catch his train. Every morning for ten years he has missed it, until today. 'Then why are you laughing?' 'He doesn't work Saturdays.'
  • What's Your Name, Honey? A guy came home early one day and found his wife in bed with another man. 'Who the hell is this?' asked the husband furiously. 'Good question,' answered the wife. Turning to the man in bed, she asked, 'Say, fella, what's your name?'
  • The Wife Is Always Right Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument. If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion.' 'But what if he's right?' 'That has not happened yet.'
  • Love Letter Dearest Ms Julie Yeh, I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.However I am broadminded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer. Thanking you in anticipation, Yours sincerely, Mr. Romy Oh Update Date: Dec. 18,1999
  • FASCINATE A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate.`" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zooand saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word `fascinate.`" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
  • BATH TIME It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked he old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
  • MAGIC MIRROR A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner states is "magical". The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom door. One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking into the mirror said: "Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44." And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the bedroom, and whilst looking in the mirror he said: "Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor." And then his legs fell off. Update Date: Dec. 20,1999
  • INVITATION Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
  • DEAF BUT NOT BLIND On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf,signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume. Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
  • CLERK The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
  • CONGREGATIONS The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a cetain man among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts ten dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit." When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten dollar bills, and a five dollar bill with this note attached: "Other five on payday."
  • DRUNK A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
  • SEX CAN KILL!!! An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
  • PEANUTS A young minister was just starting out at his first pastoral job. He was still very shy and unconfident, having recently graduated Theology Classes in the lower percentile of his class. His first appointment was to visit one of his members that supposedly was very ill and needed cheering up. This was his first visit to any of his congregation, and he nervously rang the door bell, and heard her call out "come in". He stepped inside the door, removed his hat, and walked toward the part of the house from which he heard the voice. Seeing the elderly woman relaxing on the sofa, and noticing the thread bare material and sparse furnishings in the house, he quickly, silently, asked the Lord for help. On the beat up old coffee table in front of the couch, sat a small clear dish about half full of peanuts. As he sat there talking to the lady, he nervously started eating the nuts, and as he rose to leave, he realized he had eaten every one. Knowing she probably didn't have any more, he was embarrassed and apologized, and told her he would quickly return with a whole large can. "Naw, that's alright, she replied, in her toothless voice. "I couldn't chew them anyhow, and I'd done sucked all the chocolate off them, and I sure hated to see them go to waste."
  • BUG " Auschef walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a constant erection. At first, it was fun, but then it became painful and embarrassing." While the doctor's examining him, a bug jumps off his dick and his boner goes right down. Auschef says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "Help me find that bug and you don't owe me anything!"
  • WATCH Craig Donaldson was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Craig asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me." Craig was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of lovemaking. Craig swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and asked angrily; "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Craig replied. "Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father, returning to the job at hand.
  • I'M JEWISH An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Hell! I'm telling everybody!" Update Date: Dec. 21,1999
  • GORILLA IN THE TREE This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of hand cuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
  • DEAD SEAGULLS A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
  • Dysfunctional Christmas Carols 1. SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? 2.MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are 3. DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas 4. NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.. 6. PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. 7. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why. 8. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. 9. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........ ..(better start again) 10. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away) 11. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
  • Top ten reasons why God created Eve: 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment by himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the keeper of the garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him loafing in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It's not good for man to be alone." And finally the number one reason God created Eve---- When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that." Update Date: Dec. 22,1999
  • The 12 Days Of Christmas My dearest darling John: Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree? Thank you a hundred times! All my love forever, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 15 Dearest John: I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're adorable. Thanks again! Love always, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 16 Dear John: Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens! Love, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 17 Dear John: Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic? Affectionately, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 18 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder about you! Love, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 19 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. Please stop. Cordially, Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 20 John: What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop! Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 21 O.K. Buster: What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, smartass. Lydia ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 22 Hey Bonehead: What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you thinking?! ============================================================== From: Lydia Zeltow December 23 You rotten jerk: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you. ============================================================== Lydia Zeltow December 24 Listen you "#$%&*^#" Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!!! Your sworn enemy =================================================================== Harrison Burnsley, Esq. December 25 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on sight.
  • One-Liners It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their own washer and dryer. You can't go back and make a brand new start...you can start from now and make a brand new ending. Addendum to Murphy's Law: You never run out of things that can go wrong. When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way. In the beginning, the earth was without form, and void. Then God created chocolate. We saw that it was good, and it was all downhill from there.
  • HOME FOR LUNCH At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch". The painting was of three very naked and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Afro-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."
  • DEFINATELY Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
  • SIGN LANGUAGE An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies...and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying "Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
  • GOOD LUCK MR GORSKY When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky.' Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL., while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows and Armstrong went to get the ball. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
  • BI-TRI Mark: Hey Tom, I think my wife is bi-sexual. Every time I want sex; she says bye! Tom: That's nothing I think my wife is tri-sexual. Every time I ask for sex she says, "nice try.
  • TAMPONS Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "nope, not for my mom." Cashier- "Well they must be for your sister then?" Nine year old- "nope, not for my sister either." Cashier curious now- "Oh, not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised -"Your four year old little brother??" The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!" Update Date: Dec. 23,1999
  • Slick Trick Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral. 'Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce', the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, 'That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15. in interest.' The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. 'Wait sir,' the loan officer said, 'while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow so much money?' The man smiled. 'Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.?'
  • Slick Trick Too A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements. The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president`s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, 'Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?' 'Not at all,' was her reply. 'I bet.' 'You bet?' he countered. 'At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?' 'Nothing like that,' she said. 'I just ... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square.' The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his. The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up,unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, 'What`s the matter with him?' She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, 'Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the balls.'
  • We're Even A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved in with a primitive native tribe. He spent several years with the people, during which he particularly stressed the evil of sexual sin...no adultery, no fornication! One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child. The child was white! This caused quite a stir in the village. The chief sent for the missionary, and said, 'You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child. And you are the only white man in a distance of a five days walk! What is the explanation?' The missionary replies, 'No, no, my good man, you are mistaken. This is a natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino. Nature does this on some occasions. For example, look there at that flock of sheep. They are all white, except among them -- look there is one black sheep. Could you explain this to me?' The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, 'O.K. Tell you what father. You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child.'
  • Adam & Eve A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden. 'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Brit. 'They must be British!' 'Nonsense,' the Frenchman disagrees. 'They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!' 'It is obvious they are Russian,' argues the Russian. 'They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise!' Update Date: Dec. 24,1999
  • Where to? A brunette and a blonde fall off a ten storey building. Who hits the ground first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask directions.
  • Buying Stone Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. 'Sidney thought of everything,' she told them. 'Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'.' 'What was in the envelopes?' her friends asked. 'The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.' 'The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.' 'And the third envelope?' asked her friends. 'The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.' Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, 'So, do you like my stone?' showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
  • Girl, Wine, Computer Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, 'Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.' Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says 'I'll take this option.' 'Fine,' says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. 'That was Bill Gates!' cried Lucifer. 'Why did you give him the best place of all?' 'That's what everyone thinks,' snickered Satan. 'The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't.' 'What about the PC?' 'It's got Windows 95!' laughed Satan. 'And it's missing three keys.' 'Which three?' 'Control, Alt and Delete.' Update Date: Dec. 26,1999
  • My New Year's Wish List May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol,your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise. May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, and the Internal Revenue Service. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there, may you find a parking space. May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night. May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen. May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor. May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand. May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May your check book and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity. May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your children, your parent, your siblings. May we live as intended, in a world at peace and the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart. And, may you forward this on to someone that could use a smile and a laugh to brighten their day.
  • Genie A young man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he was sipping his drink, he reaches into his left coat pocket and pulls out a miniature piano and puts it on the bar. The bartender curiuosly asked,'so what is that for?' The young man reaches into his right coat pocket and takes out a little man. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed. 'Where did you get that?' The young man says matter of factly,'Well, you see, I have a genie. I can get whatever I ask for.' Skeptical, the bartender asks for a wish. The young man cheerfully obliges. The bartender says the magic word and yells, 'I want 50,000 bucks!!!' Suddenly, the bar is filled with 50,000 ducks. Ducks of all shapes and sizes. The bartender screams, 'hey buddy, I asked for 50,000 bucks,not ducks!!!' The young man looked at him and replied, 'Well, did you really think I wanted a 12 inch painist?'
  • The Old Man and the Umbrella An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. 'I've never been better!' he boasted. 'I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?' The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, 'Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. ' The doctor continued, 'So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.' 'And do you know what happened?' the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied 'No.' The doctor continued, 'The bear dropped dead in front of him!' 'That's impossible!' exclaimed the old man. 'Someone else must have shot that bear.' 'That's kind of what I'm getting at...' replied the doctor. Update Date: Dec. 27,1999
  • WHAT A MAN NEEDS A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"... Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
  • I/4 OF A PILL An 80-year-old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it. He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. "Let’s just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out I'll write you a prescription." The old man looked at the pills and said "Doc. Don't you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill." "Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You don't want a quarter of a pill. That won't do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience you're going to need a full dose." "Doc, you don't understand. I don't want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes."
  • >MARRIED LIFE Phil, Bill and Thorn on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," Bill bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious waffles, and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Thorn responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful breakfast and told me she could never love another man." When Phil remained silent, Thorn smugly asked "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Bill arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
  • One-Liners Caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. Knowledge can be dangerous if it doesn't lead to wisdom. You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again. It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a jerk for the rest of your life. I'm about to tell my husband I wrecked the new car. I hope they can find my body.
  • CONVERTIBLE FANTASY A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million. The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin. At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the old man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?" "About 270," answers the executive. "No way," says the old man. Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270. But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop. Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by. "What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my fantasy?" Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the old man on the Vespa. "That just couldn't be," he says to himself. Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy. The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the Vespa that crashed into him. "Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you? "Yes," replied the old man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please." Update Date: Dec. 28,1999
  • 4-question logic test submitted by Chi of Tustin, CA The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional businessman. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? . . . . . . . . . . . . The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? . . . . . . . . . . . . . Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional businessman. 4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it? . . Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability. If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three outof four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as marketing.
  • Good, Bad and Ugly Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You're in them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas Good: It's your last paper in your final year. Bad: You studied your Maths throughout the night till morning. Ugly: You went for the paper and found it to be Sociology. Good: You are going to have a good time with your wife. Bad: Your wife says she couldn't find the pill. Ugly: Your daughter is using it. Good: Your daughter went out to a party in her most beautiful dress. Bad: Your daughter came back at 2 a.m. Ugly: Your daughter came back in a man's outfit. Good: You enjoy nature. Bad: You fall into a leech-infested mudpool. Ugly: You are naked. Good: You are posted to the telephone team where you always wanted to be. Bad: A taxpayer calls up and shouts vulgarities at you. Ugly: The caller is your father.
  • Letter To Santa Submitted by Manrox of Texas Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll f**k you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that f**king bike. F**K YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH. Sincerely, Little Johnny
  • IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? submitted by parents of Little Johnny (ho ho ho..) As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the ney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 milesper hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of deer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. Update Date: Dec. 29,1999
  • PRETEND Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
  • BLONDE JOKES A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. "I hate all the blonde jokes people say." "Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you." So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver."Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if i'm home." said the brunette. The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the brunette looked at the blonde and said."See that guy was really stupid." "No kidding." replies the blonde,"there was a pay phone just around the corner, you could have called instead."
  • One-Liners Caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. Knowledge can be dangerous if it doesn't lead to wisdom. You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again. It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a jerk for the rest of your life. I'm about to tell my husband I wrecked the new car. I hope they can find my body.
  • OLD BLONDES A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" Update Date: Dec. 30,1999
  • Subject: FORMAL INTRODUCTIONS A handsome American Army captain, assigned to the American Embassy's military attaché office in London, was shopping in Harrod's during his lunch hour and got the hungries. He went to the cafeteria, loaded a tray, and the only available space was at a table occupied by a gorgeous gal. He asked the gal if he could share the table with her, which is the accepted procedure in jolly old England. She nodded. He sat down and they began a conversation. They were smitten with each other and one thing led to another until he ended up in her flat for a little horizontal recreation. Both enjoyed it immensely. He had to go back to work and didn't see her again until a couple weeks later he met her on the street near his Embassy. "Hello, Pamela, " he said. She gave him a drop dead look. He was crestfallen. "Pamela," he said. "Don't you remember me? Remember lunch in Harrod's? Remember the wonderful time we had at your flat?" She remained unmoved and said haughtily: "Since when did intercourse constitute a formal introduction?"
  • BET!!!!! A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary. The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At this age they are booking a suite. What a waste." After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long. He could not believe his ears. In the morning he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive he asks him how can he do what he did at this page. The husband replied " See it is this way. First I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, " Then what, WHAT?" The old geezer smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand, and then we make a bet." The bell boy hollars, "A BET? What bet?!" If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins." the geezer replied with a smirk.
  • CENSUS I was sitting on my porch when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" I asked. "I'm not selling anything," the young man said. "I'm the Census Taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea..."
  • MISSING!!!! A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month." "Why did you wait so long to report it?" "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."
  • One-Liners Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps. Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark. Don't be askin' me to clean up your mess when you didn't take my advice in the first place! A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
  • Ineffective Daily Affirmations * I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. * I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. * I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. * In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. * I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. * I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. * The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. * Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. * Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. * Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging? * Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." * False hope is nicer than no hope at all. * A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. * Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. * Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone. * I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. * The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home. * To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. * I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  • Wierd Facts.......(sometimes they're funny than weird) Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." On a Canadian $2 bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt". All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of a $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Maine is the only state that is only one syllable. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula" - and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A". A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. And ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. Al Capone's business card said that he was a used furniture dealer. The character's Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life." A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. You can see Abe Lincoln sitting in the chair (the Lincoln Memorial) inside the building on a penny. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. "Stewardesses" is the longest word you can type using only the left hand. "Typewriter" is the longest word you can type using only the top shelf of the keyboard. Abe Lincoln's dog, Fido, was assassinated, too. (He was stabbed to death!) in Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off." A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head. European women didn't wear underwear until the 1900's. More than 50% of the world have never made or received a phone call. We shed 40 pounds of skin in a life time. We drool more than 3 pints a day. Yo-yos were once used as weapons in the Philippians. A Russian woman gave birth to 69 children from 1725 to 1765 (there were 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets). Prince William once flushed his dad's shoes down the toilet. Coca-cola can be used as car oil. Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year. Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth's 1st mother, had 6 fingers on her left hand. Australian speak for going to the bathroom is, "Spending a penny." You blink your eyes about 20,000 times a day. Girls see better than boys in the dark. An average person has 696 muscles; a caterpillar has more than 4,000. The typical bed houses 2 million dustmites. Yuck! Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV. Ancient Romans and Egyptians used crushed tadpoles mixed with oil as hair dye. Blue is the favorite color of 80% of Americans. A giraffe cleans its ears with its 21-inch tongue. When a person shakes their head from side to side, they are saying "yes" in Sri Lanka. The largest chocolate chip cookie ever made contained 2.8 tons of chocolate. There are more chickens than people in the world. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest. Rats can't vomit. Everyday, 0.5% of the world visits a McDonald's. Children grow faster in the spring. Napoleon suffered from constipation. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!! The only word in the English language with all vowels in reverse order is "subcontinental." Donald Duck comics were once banned in Finland because Donald doesn't wear pants. 85% of people killed by lightning are male. Your body is 70% water. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C. The back of a sock is called a "gore." Beethoven poured ice water over his head before he composed. We've eaten 400 billion Oreo's since they were fist introduced in 1912. The Snicker's bar is the #1 selling candy sold in vending machines. The "sixth sick sheik sheep's sick" is said to be the hardest tongue twister in the English language. Add up all the numbers on a roulette wheel and the sum is 666. In Pakistan, it's rude to show your feet. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. There are more plastic flamingo's in the US than real ones. Update Date Dec. 28, 1999
  • Good news for some of you.... Y2K Message From your Information Technology Officers: We know everyone is concerned over the Y2K bug so we plan on implementing the following pre-emptive strategy: Due to heightened concern over Y2K problems and since the fiscal 2000 budget failed to incorporate our need for computer equipment upgrades, we have determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. Our goal is to remove all computers from your desktops by December 31st, 1999 thus avoiding the anticipated Y2K problem. Instead, all personnel will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch(tm). This provides four distinct advantages: 1. Y2K compatibility 2. No technical glitches to prevent goals from being accomplished 3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails 4. No equipment model differences 5. Portability In anticipation of the changeover, the following is a list of frequently asked questions (FAQ) regarding Etch-A-Sketch(tm) Technical Support. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch(tm) has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn off my Etch-A-Sketch(tm)? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document Window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch(tm)? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch(tm)? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch(tm) document? A: Don't shake it. Thank you for your understanding and support. Please do not respond via e-mail as the ITOs no longer utilize e-mail after this message. Have a good day.
  • Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s: 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. 7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 8. You consider the U.S. Mail painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail". 9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line. 13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise. 17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes. 19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. 21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined. 22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer. 23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire. 24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. 25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor. 26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up. 28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital. 29. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year. 32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED HERE is leaving. 33. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 34. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk. 35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. AND THE CLINCHERS ARE 36. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 37. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group. 38. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway. Update Date Dec. 31, 1999
  • SPERM COUNT A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
  • MIS-SIS-SI-PPI!!! A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting in the seat in front of them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul mouthed swine," said the lady as she turns around indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, COOLA DOWN lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta SEXA? I'ma justa tellin my frienda how to spella 'MISSISSIPPI".
  • TYPES OF DATES Caucasian woman First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea. Japanese woman First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all. Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties. Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man. Malay woman First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers. Second date: You get to home base with her. Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law. Chinese woman First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive but nothing happened too. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. Indian woman First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.
  • One-Liners Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look for it. It's no wonder I've never been able to keep up with the Jones: They just been indicted for income tax evasion. There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
  • Blind Man A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar. The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head. The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you doing?" The blind man replies,"Just looking around."
  • TWIN A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!" Update Date Jan. 1, 2000
  • THREE DUCKS There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home feeling pleased with himself and told his dad what he had done. His father was happy with him and told him to go and buy himself a beer with the $5. The second son sold his duck for $10. His father was proud of him so he congratulated his son and told him to go and buy himself a good $10-dinner. The third son went out looking for someone to sell his duck to when he chanced upon a gorgeous blonde woman. He was so attracted that he went up to her to offer her a deal. He said, "Look, I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me." She thought for a while and finally said"Ok". He is rather good-looking anyway. So they had sex behind a tree just off the road. When they were through, she could hardly catch her breath. "Wow! That was really something," she admitted. So she counter-offered him, saying, "I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again." The boy knows a good deal when he sees one, so he readily agreed. While they were humping again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They could not pulled their pants up fast enough to catch hold of it and the duck got run over by a truck. The truck-driver jumped out and kept apologising "I'm SO, SO sorry I killed your duck. Look here,I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it." And so it was done. When the third son got home, his dad eagerly asked how much he had made. "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked-up duck!"
  • DR. STRANGELOVE John is in bed with a girl and no matter what he does, he just can't seem to get an erection. She says, "Come on, will you? Do SOMETHING !" He says, "Like what?" She says, "Put your foot in." He sticks his foot in, and she has one hell of a good old time riding it. A few days later, his foot is swelling up, has a runny, red rash, and it's starting to itch. He goes to the doctor to have it looked at. The doctor says calmly, "Well, my friend, it seems you have gonorrhea of the big toe." John says, "GONORRHEA OF THE BIG TOE? Shit, Doc, I bet that's pretty rare!" The doctor says, "Yeah, it's pretty rare." "Of course, it's not as rare as the girl who was in here this morning with athlete's pussy."
  • THE POPE AND THE QUEEN The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a frock and hat worse than his, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So, the Pope slapped her.
  • SHEEP I'm in love with my sheep," Craig told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued Craig, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep." "Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" Craig replied. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
  • SUBJECT: Company Christmas Party FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! ==================================================== FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party". ====================================================== FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but I can't put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? ===================================================== FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. ===================================================== FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? ====================================================== FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? ====================================================== FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...! ======================================================= FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!! Update Date Jan. 2, 2000
  • Husband and Wife A man wants to have a WIFE because she can make his life: W : WONDERFUL I : INTERESTING F : FASCINATING E : EXTRAORDINARY But a woman will have to be careful in finding a HUSBAND because he might be: H : HOPELESS U : UNACCOUNTABLE S : SENSELESS B : BORING A : AUTHORITATIVE N : NUISANCE D : DISCRIMINATIVE Why does a man want to have a WIFE? Because she can provide: W : Washing I : Ironing F : Fuck E : Etc. FREE of CHARGE!!!!!!!!! Why does a woman wanna have a HUSBAND? Because he is expected to : H : House her U : Understand her S : Share everything with her B : Buy anything for her A : and N : Never D : Demand anything from her!!!!!!!!!!
  • Reverse Roles Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work. But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

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