Just Jokes -Continued
- Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realize
that you were in love with me?"
"Well, I suppose..." whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started
getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the
young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do
if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"
- Subject: Quickies
My sex life is a disaster. Last night the Red Cross showed up with
coffee and doughnuts.
If you're coasting, you're either losing momentum or else you're headed
There is only a slight difference between keeping your chin up and
sticking your neck out - but it's a difference worth knowing.
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get
that you don't want.
The new receptionist at work is tough... at least that's what her
parole officer told me.
More people should be bisexual. After all, it doubles your chances for
a date on Saturday night.
My boss says I'm being replaced by a machine! Funny, that's what my
Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be
one of them.
My accountant told me I could save a lot of money by dying before the
first of the year.
To err is human but to rub it in is divine.
You're middle aged when your wife gets pregnant, and you know exactly
when it happened.
- A REPORTER
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one
is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy
rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's
collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes
over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend
from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack,"
says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter askes.
"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
Update Date: Nov. 22,1999
- VERY LUCKY
A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an
old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The
genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've always
wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke
strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid
on the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he
notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks
through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in
the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know,
the horse bolts in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local
illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010
quid on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on
Lucky Seven. Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate
than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.
He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers
and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her
arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in
informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won
the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here,
absolutely free of charge." The bloke says that he's always fancied
making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms
when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not
much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma
Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point the
guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful
women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But
there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like
that red spot that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl
looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb
to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch
off my caste mark." So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of
a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong,
what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. To which the bloke replies,
"You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"
- PREMATURE EJACULATION
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided
to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well ...
when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis
and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
- THE PREACHER
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead
mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the
preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health
threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without
authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor
had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher
called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the
pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to
bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his
response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but
I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
- THE CIGAR
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his
lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A
stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in
contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but
enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
Update Date: Nov. 24,1999
- THE FIRST BABY
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could deliver their first baby.
AsOle waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to talk to him. The doctor
said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you
have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that it is a Ceasarean."
Ole started crying, and said, "Vel, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I
vas kinda hoping it vould be Norvegian."
- Subject: THE BARBER
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked
his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the
best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell
of a mustache!"
Thought For The Day
If men are so competent, how come you always see
signs reading "DANGER - MEN WORKING" ?
- While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the
table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By
then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place
to turn around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the
car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "While you're in
there, you might as well get my hat, too."
- Subject: An Apple
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I
spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end
of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
- Subject: FISHING
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or
lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was
cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in,
went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What a terrible weather today honey," he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"
- "Giving Thanks"
A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The
family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer,
thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and
all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave
thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce,
the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the
young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the
broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
- A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another
man in her life.
She placed a personal ad which read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND
FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing
constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of
the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell
rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no
legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked "Who are you and
what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your
dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs,
so I can't run away."
The old woman asked "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To
which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school, and he visited a 4th
grade class during a discussion of words and their meanings. The teacher
asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion
of the word "tragedy." So, our illustrious leader asked the class for
an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered, "My best
friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came
along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy." "No," said Clinton,
"that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand. "If a school
bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone in the bus,
that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," said the President. "That's
what we would call a great loss." The room grew silent... No other
children would volunteer an answer. President Clinton searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a
quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Clinton,
were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy." "Fantastic!" said Clinton. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "because it
wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss..."
Bill goes to his doctor's and says, "Doc, I've just been raped by an
Elephant!". The stunned doctor replies, "What makes you say that?".
"Well," says Bill holding his hands about a foot or so apart, "my
asshole feels this big!". "Bend over, and let me have a look." asks the
doctor. Bill bends over and sure enough, his asshole is about ten
inches across. "But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin
penis?" states the doctor. "Yeah, I know," says the agitated Bill, "but
it fingered me first!"
There was this animal importer who imported animals illegally as he could
not wait the 6 months for the quarintine law to pass. He told his mate how he
managed to smuggle the animals through Customs without being caught as his
mate needed advice to succeed.
1st Man said " I smuggled a rattle snake through Customs "
2nd Man says " oh??, how did you manage that then??"
1st Man says" well I knocked it out and tied it around my waist, Snakeskin Belt you see?"
2nd Man "thats really ingenious that"
1st Man, "thats nothing, you should see the crocodile I got through customs"
2nd Man "now I know you are lying"
1st Man " no its true my friend, grab the crocodile by the tail and knock it
out, put its tail in its mouth and put it over your shoulder, a shoulder bag,simple!"
2nd Man " Wow, I would never have thought of that, what other animals have you smuggled?"
1st Man " Well I smuggled a Skunk through Customs"
2nd Man " Oh Yes??"
1st Man " I put it down my wifes underwear "
2nd Man " What about the smell? "
1st Man " Well if it dies, it dies"
- STAFF OF LIFE
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread
in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you
have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
- Subject: Recycle!
A French man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at
the breakfast table when an American sits downnext to him.
The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless,
starts a conversation.
"You French folk eat the whole bread?" asks the American,
with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth.
The American blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then
remarks, "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside.
We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then
transform them into croissants, and sell them to France."
The American has a smirk on is face. All the while, the
Frenchman listens in silence.
"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the American.
The American cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles,
"We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel,
seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into
jam, and sell it to France."
"And, what do you Americans do with condoms once you'veused them?"
asks the Frenchman.
"We throw them away, of course," replies the American, with
a dumbfounded look.
The Frenchman explains, "We don't. In France, we put them
in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into
chewing gum and sell it to America."
Update Date: Nov. 26,1999
- Ann's Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer;
beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
Sample the whiskey to check for consisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
- Subject: PROSTATE!!!!
A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting
room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual
acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
" A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."
- >Subject: WEDDING
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th
wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same
places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the
side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
- Subject: Not in the Mood!!!
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of
Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each
night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner,
and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep.
Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown
on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more
seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day
complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in
the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said,
"You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face.
"Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night,
I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the
lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made
love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?"
asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to
- Subject: The Sergeant
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when
communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a
jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command
When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered
their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward
and shook my father's hand.
"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he
pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby
- Subject: TEACHER
When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by
the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs
on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you,
Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this
school without submitting to the sexual advances of the
"Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?"
"I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."
"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Myrddin.
"I didn't have no breakfast," Myrddin mumbled.
"You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography
lesson, Myrddin, where is the French border?"
"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."
- Subject: BUBBA
Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and
now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and
the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy,
and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba!
You just had you a son!"
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke
up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The
doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba!
Hey, you got you a daughter!" Bubba got kind of puzzled by
this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we still ain't
finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said,
"Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause
So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children.
When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba
said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?" She said,
"Yeah, I do." Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good thing we
didn't use no WD-40!
Update Date: Nov. 27,1999
- You have to like Rodney (Dangerfield)
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
We were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said
.... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell
that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to
my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places
they can hide.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
"Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like
up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind
I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright....you're ugly too!
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told
me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- Lawyer's death
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You
can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance
chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his
money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go
to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then
directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and
the bags on his way to Heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten
pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she
exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in
Update Date: Nov. 29,1999
- Shoot 'em up
A Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian were out riding their horses. The
Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then
another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun, and
shot the bottle in mid-air.
The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was
a perfectly good bottle of Whiskey!!"
The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are
A While later, not wanting to be out-done, the Californian pulled out a
bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle
into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in mid-air.
The Oregonian couldn't believe this and said, "What the heck did you do that
for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!"
The Californian replied, "In California, there's plenty of champagne and
bottles are cheap.
A While later, the Oregonian pulled out a bottle of Black Butte Porter. He
opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put
the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the
The Texan, shocked, said, "Why the hell did you do that?"
The Oregonian replied, "Well, in Oregon we have plenty of Californians and
bottles are worth a nickel."
- Subject: DRUNK
A cowboy went to the city for a little rest
and relaxation. But he didn't succeed in coping
well with the complexities of city life.
At midnight, he was alone in his hotel room, jerking off.
Suddenly the door was opened by a bellhop carrying a drink intended for the
room next door. "Pardon me, sir," said the flustered bellhop,
"but where would you like me to sit your drink?"
"I didn't order no drink," retorted the cowboy, thinking fast.
"Can't you see I'm already so drunk that I'm taking
advantage of myself?"
- Subject: WHAT HAPPENED????
A man went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel
like killing my wife. You've got to help me. You've got to tell
me what to do."
The doctor decided on how to best handle the case. "Look," he
said, "here are some pills. You take these twice a day and
they'll enable you to fuck your wife six times a day. If you do
this for thirty days, you'll fuck her to death."
"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I think I'll take
her to Miami Beach so there won't be anything to interfere with
us and no one will be suspicious.
He left with a bottle of pills in his hand and a smile on his face.
Nearly a month passed. The doctor flew to Miami Beach for a
medical convention. There, on Lincoln Road, he saw his patient
coming along in a wheelchair, just managing to move forward.
"What happened?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days
and she'll be dead."
- Subject: SMOKES & SING
Linda and Jill were standing on the street corner, trying to earn the
Linda asked Jill, "Girl, does ya ever smokes after sex???"
Jill yawns and says sleepily, "I don know, baby, I never looks..."
The wife likes to sing, and whenever she begins, my husband heads outside.
Hurt, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"
"Of course, dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors
know I'm not beating you."
Update Date: Nov. 30,1999
- LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
- THE SONS
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.
As they were heading out to the course, one of them
was detained by a phone call. The other three were
discussing their children while walking to the first
tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a
name for himself in the home building industry. He
began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and
construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the
last year he was able to give a good friend a brand
new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son
began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a
multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact,
in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new
cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up
through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so
successful that in the last few weeks has given a good
friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three
smugly tell him that they have been discussing how
successful their progeny are, and ask what line of
work his son is in."To tell the truth, I'm not very
pleased how my son has turned out," he replies "For
fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just
discovered he's gay." As the other three recoil in
horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must
be good at what he does, because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new
cars, and a big stock portfolio."
I ain't always right, but I've never been wrong.
It's too late to agree with me. I've already changed my mind.
Sex is like credit - some get it, some don't.
Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes.
I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it
*grin* It makes "them" wonder!
- PERFECT WORKER
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote
this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
- COMING BACK TO HAUNT YOU
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each
When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into
the night. The neighbors who feared the man the most heard a constant
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats
and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the
respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed
casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and
began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaieties of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors
approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned?
Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he
would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for
the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him
buried upside down.
- Subject: What a line!!!
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified
to find her husband in bed with a young lovely thing. Just as she was
about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words.
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came
about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young girl looking
tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was hungry, so I
brought her home and made a meal from the roast you had forgotten in the
refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of good
shoes you discarded because they were out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for
your birthday, the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were
perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then as she was about to leave the
house, she paused and asked; "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use
anymore?"...So here we are.
Update Date: Dec. 1,1999
- Subject: Gambling
A guy is put before the judges bench because he is on trial for paying a
prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the
defendant. "Not Guilty, your honour." Showing him a videotape of the
alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the
court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your
subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I
wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another
'heinous' crime, gambling." "Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How
so?" "Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady
earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her,
'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That
videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
Subject: Thought for the day!!!
My last lover and I weren't compatible. I'm a Libra and he's an asshole.
Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate enough to marry
multimillionaire girls with 39-inch busts who have undergone frontal
lobotomies. - Tony Curtis
- Subject: RED LIGHTS
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my
mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light
was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in
the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was
really concerned that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road
and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through. She turned to woman driving and said, "Mildred!
Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
- Subject: FLAPPING
A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. The doctor gave her
the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra. When you flap
your arms up and down, the bra inflates. Of course, the woman chose the
The next day she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an
attractive man sitting at the bar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with
the man, and he started flapping his legs. "I see we have the same doctor,"
said the man.
- Subject: oysters
Two older men sat on a bench in the park. One said, "I hear that
eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."
The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to tell you the
truth, I don't have any women to write to!"
- Subject: MAJOR SUBJECT
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...
(especially when you share the same major!)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
ARCHAEOLOGY:One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other
of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up
must come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and
Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much
money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by
something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to
avoid each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
- THE COFFIN
A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out
an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street
The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after
him, faster...faster ...BUMP ... BUMP ...BUMP. He runs up to his door,
fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind
him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the
coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly
towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...the coffin stops!
Q. What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
Q. What do Skeletons say before eating?
A. Bone Appetite.
Q. Why are teachers happy on Halloween?
A. Because there is lots of school spirit!
Bea-ware, tonight is Halloween!
Q. What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A. The trom-Bone!
Q. What is a ghost's favorite dessert?
A. Boo-berry pie!
Q. How can you make a witch scratch?
A. Take away the 'W'.
- Subject: ONE - LINERS
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
If you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the
Never feed your cat anything that doesn't match the carpet.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
Look at what you have left rather than what you have lost.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
*grin* It makes "them" wonder
- Subject: CHECK-UP
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a
check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for
the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer,
- Subject: VW
A guy asks an LA girl out on a date after meeting her in a bar. She says,
"What kind of car do you drive?"
He replies " A VW Bug."
She scornfully says, "That's awfully small!" and he replies,
"Don't worry, I'm not going to screw you with the car."
- Subject: HUSBAND
No matter how good it was, no matter to what heights of
ecstasy you may have been transported, no matter how much
you love her, and no matter how grateful you may be, NEVER,
EVER, after a blow job, say to your partner, "Thanks, cocksucker!"
A woman, who was a little on the chubby side, was at
her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists I come to
these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a
trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings
- THE GOLFING COMPETITION
The Israel's Prime Minister visited the Pope in Vatican one day.
To commemorate the meeting of the 2 nations and 2 religion
the Prime minister suggested an annual gof tournament between them,
which the pope accepted.
The Pope knowing that there are very few if any pro golfers in Vatican
decided any Catholic can represent him. Upon the advise of his staff, they
picked the best Catholic golfer they know, Jack Nicklaus.
After the tournament was over, Nicklaus went to the Pope to report
what had happened in the tournament. " I had good and bad news. The
good news, his excellency, is that I had played the best golf of my life.
I putted pure and straight, my drives are longer than when I was at my
peaked and my short game was really excellent.", said Nicklaus. "And the
bad news? asked the Pope.
Nicklaus with grin replied, "They had Rabbi Tiger
Update Date: Dec. 2,1999
- Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s:
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America,
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider the U.S. Mail painfully slow and/or call it "snail
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9"
to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of
your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all
the latest features, while you have time to go for
lunch while yours boots up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department is short of, but they can afford four
full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED HERE is leaving.
33. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
34. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures
are on your desk.
35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE
36. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
37. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
38. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list
already, but you don't have time to check so you
forward it anyway.
One day Ima go to New York to a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast.
I tella the witress I wanna two piss toast.
She branga me only one piss.
I tell her I wanna two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand.
I wanna two piss on my plate.
She say you better not piss on the plate, you sonna ma bitch.
Later, I go to eat somma lunch at the restaurant.
The waitress bringa me a spoon an an knife, but no fock
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tellsa me, everybody wanna fock.
I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table.
She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even knowa the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.
So i go back to my room inna hotel, and there's no sheet on my bed.
I calla the manager ana tella himn I wanna sheet.
He tells me, go to the toilet.
So i say, you no unnerstand.
I wanna sheet on the bed.
He say you better not shit on the bed you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even knowa the man an he calla me a sonna ma bitch.
I go to check out ana the man at the desk, he say peace to you...
I say, piss onna you too. you sonna ma bitch.
I GO BACK TO ITALY
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear what they have to say.
Although there are a lot of trial marriages, there's no such thing as a
Homeless people may have no homes, or no food, but they always seem to have
Aim low...reach your goals...avoid disappointment.
When life gives me lemons, I make a whiskey sour and go to bed.
- Subject: fishing
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars
all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap,
he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was
about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding,
but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me
going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
- Subject: MAJOR SUBJECT II
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter,
complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that
doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes--we just couldn't interface"
E. ENGINEER: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are
positives and negatives, but..."
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one
to witness the breakup, are they really single?
CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "Get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a
country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
- Subject: CHICKENS
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's
his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and
broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the
determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward
birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them
all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to
find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
- New English
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from
the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition.
Here are some recent winners:
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who
doesn't get it.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
- A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts
With Christmas coming, this is surely going to be a big help!
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No
one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang
from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes,
he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn
out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and
flips, and flips.
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit
in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea.
No one knows why.
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on
the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.
(NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's
stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA
Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a
'68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank.
Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who
wants a hamburger?"
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift.
However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If
you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he
gets a label maker.
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an
extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at
least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope. No one knows why.
Update Date: Dec. 3,1999
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Love is an unusual game. There are either two winners or none.
- Subject: HORSE FOR SALE
Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages
to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."
"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine
horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"
"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."
The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind,
makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the
stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into
the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely
and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a
near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to
storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor
a piece of his mind.
"You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even
tell me!" he screams.
"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka
so good anymore!'"
- Quick Wit:
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up
at the clouds.
He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
- Subject: THREE MEN
Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist,
and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king
and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to
As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner
asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came
the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's
neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't
succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the
doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came
the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck.
Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the
first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the
rope, the engineer yelled out:
"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".
- Subject: S E X
Q. What does a married man say after sex?
A. Don't tell my wife.
A man told his sex therapist about
his extremely active sex life.
He said that he had a wife, several mistresses,
masturbated several times per day, and that he
had wet dreams all the time.
The sex therapist asked which one he liked best.
He Replied, "Wet Dreams!!! Because you always
meet a much higher class of people in them."
- Subject: THREE ITALIAN MOTHERS
Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each
had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game,
the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running
quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first
touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang
from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent,
"Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a
Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular
run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not
wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second
boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my*
boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"
The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw
him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the
wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled
again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed
the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian
mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in
the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna
Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"
- Subject: VACATIONS
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes but I need to ask for something different"
"Go ahead ask me"
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned
my wife was pregnant"
"Yes but ..."
" And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I
returned my wife was pregnant"
" And the year before that when I went to Bali and when I
returned my wife was pregnant"
"Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that
I can bring her with me?"
Update Date: Dec. 4,1999
This morning I work up feeling like a $1000 bill, meaning I felt green,
wrinkled, and out of general of circulation.-- Sir Lawrence
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat,
THAT'S bad for you!-- Tommy Smothers
"The harder I try, the behinder I get."
-- Sir Lawrence
I have only been wrong one time in my life when one time I though I was
wrong, but I was really right.
I can never remember names, but I always forget faces.
- Subject: PARROT
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand what the magician did
in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting
in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the
captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of
course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat?"
- Subject: WATERBED
Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde wife
standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7
inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asks.
"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.
Just then a naked guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands the husband.
"I dunno, must be a life guard."
- Subject: CLOCK
One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade.
Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his
weekly tests. So together Donna and her son go over the words
for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words.
A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%,
missing only one word. The word was "clock". Part of the test
was to use each spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence?
"My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" -- only it seems
he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L".
Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest
check mark she had ever seen.
- Subject: from Edna Johnson
The following letter was forwarded by someone who
teaches at a Junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the
letter was actually sent to the principal's office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human
kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at
your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live
at the county home for the aged.
All my people are gone. It's nice to know that
someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old
forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio,
but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or sweetly I
asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful. She was very upset.
Because she knew I had won a new radio at your
luncheon, she asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Update Date: Dec. 6,1999
A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window and
asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does
As cynical as I am I can't keep up!
When we are unhappy with ourselves, the grim tendency is to spread our
When you cease to dream you cease to live.
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
- Quick Wit:
If you love something, set it free
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with
If it just sits in your living room and
- messes up your stuff
- eats your food
- uses your telephone
- takes your money
- and never behaves as if you actually set
it free in the first place
you either married it or gave birth to it!
- The evangelist was haranguing the crowd and carrying on and on about sin.
"The wages of sin are high." he bellowed.
A young man sitting in the back yelled out, "Not if you can find somebody
who'll do it for free."
One guy asks the other,
"Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says,
"No, but I've woken up with a few."
Wife: Look at the old clothes I have to wear. If anyone came to visit, they
would think I was the cook!
Husband: Well, they'd change their mind if they stayed for dinner!
- ROOM SERVICE
A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night.
At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the
key to the bridal suite.
The whole evening the people in the next room are phoning down to the main
desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute
the whole night.
Next morning at 6 am, the groom phones down to room service.
"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night
so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6
liters of orange juice!"
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that
for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!"
- HOW MANY TIMES
Two old men sit on a bench in a park when one of them asks the other,
"How many times can you have sex?"
"Not more than twice," replies the other old man.
A few minutes of silence, then the first old man asks again,
"Which of the times is the best one then?"
"Hmmmm, I think the one in Spring," says the other old man.
- DIET PILLS
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to
the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about
three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the
floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."
- VIOLATION TICKET
Things were really getting hot and they were not paying any
attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a
policeman is tapping on their window. The cop could hardly
contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not supposed
to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple. Being
embarrassed they said yes, and apologized.
"Well," he said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the
cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch
After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what
the cop wrote the ticket for.
He looked at the ticket and read, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed
- DRESSING UP FOR GOLF
Myrddin had just finished playing a round of golf and was in the locker
room getting undressed to take a shower when one of his friends
happened to notice him slipping out of a pair of women's panties.
"Hey, Myrddin," his friend called out across the locker room. "How
long have you been playing golf in women's underwear?"
"How long?" came the reply. "Ever since my wife found a pair in the
back seat of my car after I came home from supposedly playing
a round of golf!"
- COUPLES TALK
A recent study showed the average husband only actually
speaks to his wife about 37 minutes each week. Well, yeah,
I can believe that. I mean, just how long does it take to say
"Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?
Linda: "Is your husband hard to please?"
Jill: "I don't know. I never tried!"
- AT THE BAR
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another...
I said, "Let's go back to my place."
She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"
I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."
A husband explains to the guys at the bar. "Do you know why I left her?
She started to use four-letter words like: Find work!"
read that women are "insecure" about their weight, butt, and breast
sizes. Oh, yeah? Well, we can diet, have liposuction, exercise, and
even get implants for all that. What can a man do about the one area
that we all KNOW he feels "insecure" about?
Update Date: Dec. 7,1999
- THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to
He was the consummate nurturer
"But, you know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits.
You get a little older, you suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married,
you suck your wife's tits. That's what life is. Life sucks."
One husband complained to his wife, "How can you say I'm responsible for
our marital problems? I'm never home."
John, looking as if he had lost his last friend, entered a restaurant one
morning and sat down at a table.
Said to the waitress, "Bring me two eggs fried hard, a slice of toast
burned to a cinder, and a cup of very weak coffee."
As she set the order in front of him, she asked, "Anything else, sir?"
"Yes," he answered, "now sit down and nag me. I'm homesick."
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at
the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same
direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park
there?" look. His responding gestures were very complicated. First he
shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at
himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his
palms upward and shrugged.
Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want
the space. "You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you
would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm
waiting for my wife.' "
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The
first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated
old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and
then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you
can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
- SAVE ME!!!
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except
for one man.
He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at
A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him
to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said,
"It's alright! The Lord will save me!"
So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a
boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted,
"No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!"
and, once again, the boat sped off.
The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the
helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated,
"I don't need saving! My Lord will come"
Reluctantly, the helicopter left.
The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and
the man drowned.
At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he
asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why
did my Lord not rescue me?"
St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters
and a boat!"
Update Date: Dec. 8,1999
- OL' FRED
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to
the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned
frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used
his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it
best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was
wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know,
ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but
knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened
the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
- Love and Sex
A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and
The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I,
it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex.'
And Bob wrote ' I love sex.'
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and
didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you
intending to marry?"
- Died of....
When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of
the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very
well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course
I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better
for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather
than the big shit he always was."
A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having
with his stubborn girlfriend. She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit
her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss.
Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her
pants down I'm not mad anymore
Ability: What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
Alimony: that which enables a woman who at one time lived happily married
to live happily unmarried.
Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you
when you were still young enough to profit from them.
B.A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first
two letters of the alphabet... backwards.
Bachelor: 1. a man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where
she can say, "Yes.
2. a fellow who never finds out how many faults he has.
3. a man who has taken many a girl out but has never
been taken in.
College: an institution where you learn how to use punctuation marks,
but not what to put between them.
College professor: a man who gets what's left over after the football
coach is paid off.
Diamond: one of the hardest substances known to man - especially to get
Diploma: a job-hunting license.
Experience: what you imagine you have until you get more.
Fence: the difference between one yard and two yards.
Grouch: one who distrusts people who flatter him and dislikes people who
Update Date: Dec. 9,1999
- BLIND DATE
How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
- ONE LINERS
(These are more than ONE line, but what the heck?)
Elizabeth Dole could run for president. The role for Bob Dole would be
unclear... what would we call him? The first man? The first gentleman? The
first lean mean love machine?
Martha Stewart is reportedly looking for a husband. If she can't find one,
she can make one out of egg cartons, popsicle sticks and bread crumbs...
The average man's life consists of 20 yers of having his mother ask him
where he is going; 40 years of having his wife ask the same question; and
at the end, the mourners wonder, too.
What is the new definition of Multi-Tasking? Working at your computer,
typing emails while watching the Victoria's Secret Webcast "for research
purposes, of course"
Researchers said Wednesday that birds sleep with one eye open and half of
their brain awake. The only other living thing known to do this is the
Goverment Employee in its natural daytime habitat.
- Subject: Fw: FW: Casino
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting
around for someone to walk up and try their luck at
the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants
to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls
the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the
dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly
leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were
watching the dice!"
- Love and marriage
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits,
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattention of one.
Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.
No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed
when he himself is up.
If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's
married to a grandmother.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price
has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
A friend of mine was in the grocery store with another lady when the
other lady saw a man she knew. She began calling, "Dick, Dick!" The man
did not look up. My friend gently told her buddy, "His name's Peter."
The other lady said, "Well, I knew it was something like that."
- Subject: THE JUDGE
A woman is on the witness stand.
The judge says, "What happened?"
She says, "I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me
into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me
over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something
- MECHANICAL ARM
There once was a man that went to Vietnam and got his arm blown off in a
major battle. He goes back to the United States a year later and talks to
an old friend about his troubles. His friend tells him about a new invention
The invention was a mechanical arm that does what you tell it to do. Well the
man was a little nervous about the idea but he decided to go through with it.
So a month later he got the mechanical arm put on and went home for the
first time. He gets to the door and says, "Open the door". The arm opens the
door for him. Then he says "close the door." The arm closes the door. Later
on that night he's watching T.V. and he wants a beer so he walks to the fridge
and says "open the refrigerator and take me out a beer". The arm opens the
door and gets him a beer. The man thinks that it was a good idea to get the arm.
About an hour later he needs to take the biggest piss. So he goes to the
bathroom and says "unbutton my pants, and unzip them. Then take it out".
He does his duty and when he's done he says, "shake it a bit". Well that felt
good so he says, "Shake it again, Harder". Boy that felt real good so he says,
"Jerk Me Off". The arm then proceeds and rips off his dick. The man screams "Oh
fuck me". Then the arm shoves it up his ass. The guy says "Oh I can't believe
what I'm seeing". So the arm shoves his dick in his eye.
Update Date: Dec. 10,1999
- Early to Rise
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned
the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests
who wished to rise at an early hour.
'No need for that, young man,' snapped the old timer.
'I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock.'
'Very good, sir,' the clerk replied, then asked,
'Would you mind calling me at six?'
- Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, and Pat Buchanan
If Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, and Pat Buchanan were in a boat
and it turned over, who would be saved?
The United States.
- Yeltsin, Clinton and Gates
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to
have dinner with God.
During dinner, God told them, 'I invited you to dinner, because
I needed three important people to send my message out to all people
- Tomorrow, I will destroy the Earth!'
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them,
'I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does
exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth.'
Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them,
'I have good news and bad news. The good new is that God does exist,
and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow.'
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people,
'I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three
most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 Problem
has been solved!'
- The Three Worst Chinese Torture Tests
A man is out in the wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage
and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down
to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says 'What do you want?'
The man says 'I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a
decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could
have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight'
The old man says 'I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess
around with my grandaughter'
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying 'I promise I won't
cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning'
The old man counters 'Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the
three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.'
'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to
himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw
how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he
had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship.
And the girl had only seen the occasional hunter besides her grandfather and well,
they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but
had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that
night thinking to himself, 'Any three torture tests would be worth it after
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened
his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying
'1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest'.
'What a lame torture test' the man thought to himself as he got up and walked
over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside
of the rock is another sign saying '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the
window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying '3rd worst
Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost'.
- Getting Old
Some symptoms of you maturing...
You go to Disco Dances
You go to Dinner & Dances
Your auntie and uncles call you Boy/ Girl
Your auntie and uncles call you Dennis/Irene
Kids call you big brother/sister
Kids call you Uncle/Auntie
You talk about exams, teacher, homework, friends
You talk about career, bosses, office-work, colleagues
You come back very late at night and your mum is pacing
along the common walkway, waiting anxiously
You come back very late at night and your mum is sound asleep.
Your mother gets paranoid when girls/guys call you
Your mother gets paranoid when girls/guys don't call you
- Ad Campaigns Go Wrong
Coors put its slogan, 'Turn it loose,' into Spanish, where
it was read as 'Suffer from diarrhea.'
Clairol introduced the 'Mist Stick,' a curling iron, into
German only to find out that 'mist' is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use for the 'manure stick'.
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following
in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, 'Salem-Feeling Free',
was translated into the Japanese market as 'When smoking Salem,
you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.'
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures
on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of
a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of 'I saw the Pope'
(el Papa), the shirts read 'I saw the potato' (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name
into 'Schweppes Toilet Water.'
Pepsi's 'Come alive with the Pepsi Generation' translated into
'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave,' in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, 'it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken' was translated into Spanish as 'it takes an aroused man to
make a chicken affectionate.'
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, 'it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you'.
Instead, the company thought that the word 'embarazar' (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: 'It won't leak in your pocket and
make you pregnant'.
Update Date: Dec. 11,1999
- Little Johnny
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of
it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said,
"Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he
wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish
list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he Requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted
for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when
I wake-up. When I go down-stairs I want to see a damn train going
around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn
bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile
of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under
the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and
saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back
inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked,
"What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the
- I'M DYING
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that
the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good
long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them
that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying
of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
Setting an example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.
If at first you don't succeed, trying doing it like your wife told you to.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
The four food groups: Eating Out, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.
- CAMP OUT
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny
hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town
folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for
the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite
and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the
other red and her bottom is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow
any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into
town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the jerk who painted my
wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. "I did
it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of
paint is dry."
My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he
decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the
rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon
was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon
and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a
hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon
on the 10 Commandments, I changed
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to
preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you
started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
- THREE MEN
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in
your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again
indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they
passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights,
could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he
had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the
bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously
they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground,
still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said,
"If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed, he finally jumped up
and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling badly about what happened decided to buy her
husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop
where he usually played golf. she talked with the pro and he suggested a
putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars" he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription" he said.
"What kind of inscription ?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish" he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites
is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife, "that's what started the
argument in the first place!"
While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little
box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed
"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start
A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. "Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the
same skirts I had before I got married."
"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."
- LUNCH DATE
Jack has an operation on his throat, so the only way he can get
nourishment is to be force-fed with a machine, through the rectum.
After three days of this, Jack calls for the nurse.
He groans, "Nurse, is there another one of these machines in the hospital?"
She says, "Yes, sir..."
He asks, "Could you roll it in here?"
She says, "Of course, sir. But why?"
He grunts, "I want you too have lunch with me tomorrow.
Update Date: Dec. 13,1999
- Truths of Men
arrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that
is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words even strike fear in the heart of General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and
the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave
enough to get a bikini wax.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
Depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: Nerdy and not
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes
out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like
portable heaters that snore.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be like Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly, ever notice?
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the
movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch,
you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you
look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski or snowmobile suit understand how
complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's
wearing a jumpsuit.
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do
because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's
dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally
and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you
get to date young girls and ride motorcycles.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
- WRONG NUMBER
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened
with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it
said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had
such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I
haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my
ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and
I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she
said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour.
I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you.
I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house
to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything.
In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come
home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband! Is this 223-1374?
"No, this is 223-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not
- NOTICE FROM MICROSOFT-TEXAS STYLE
Notice from Microsoft:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas
Edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped
outside of Texas.
If you have one of the Texas Editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.
The Texas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening
It reads WINDERS98 with a background picture of the Alamo
superimposed on the Texas flag. It is shipped with a Leann
Rimes screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse.
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption.
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys.
Control Panel is known as the Dashboard.
Hard Drive is referred to as Wheel Drive.
Floppies are Them Little Ol' Plastic Disc Thangs.
Other features: Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder
covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right.
Cancel = hail no.
Reset = aw shoot.
Yes = shore.
No = Naaaa.
Find = hunt-fer it.
Go to = over yonder.
Back = back yonder.
Help = hep me out here.
Stop = ternit off.
Start = crank it up.
Programs = stuff that does stuff.
Documents = stuff I done done.
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters
or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have
caused if you received a copy of the Texas Edition. You may
return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist,
"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest
you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the
tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes" the mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
"Who cares?" she replied.
The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country
girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she
was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his
chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him
and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa.
"Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to
say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."
"How marvelous," the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work
three times before you die."
On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through
three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out.
"Beep!" he said.
Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said,
"beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and
At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and
went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."
Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it
up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay.
"Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes
and hop into bed."
Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.
He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
Update Date: Dec. 14,1999
- PHYSICAL PROBLEMS
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his
doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour
At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if
he was feeling better.
He said he actually felt worse.
"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"
"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"
- FEW WORDS
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that
read "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
- WHEN GETTING OLDER
YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN;
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your
socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you,
and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure
the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head
the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
- FOX HUNTER
One sunny afternoon, a fox hunter came upon a nude girl
tied to a tree. He asked her what had happened.
She explained how a couple of men had tied her up and had
enjoyed her services without paying a ground fee.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" asked the fox hunter.
"I did," she replied "but there's nobody within a six mile
radius so they couldn't hear me"
"Six miles?" the hunter remarked. "Are you sure of that?"
"Yes, I'm certain," she replied.
"Well, then," said the fox hunter, "here we go again!"
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from
the neighborhood comes in after mowing the lawn for him, and proceeds to
pee in the toilet. Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of
the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis
he has ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal,
but how did your organ get that big? I couldn't help but notice..." Bubba
laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck,
it impresses the girls at school!" The husband was excited at the simplicity
of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed
into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.
He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up,
half asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you??"
The doctor was dictating his exams to his beautiful, new secretary when she
"Just a minute, you've used a word with which I'm not familiar. What is a
The doctor had been waiting for just such a moment and replied," I'll just
show you one." He then proceeded to pull down his pants and expose himself to her.
"Oh, I see," said the secretary, "it's just like a penis, only smaller."
- THATS ROMANTIC
I heard a MALE comic say, "Now, Men, when you get married, you don't go
from getting that pussy every day to three or four times a week to a
couple of times a month. You go from every day to fucking NEVER!"
Yeah? Well, let's be fair. Guys, when you're dating us, you clean up,
put on nice clothes, maybe buy us some flowers, take us out to eat,
maybe go dancing or see a movie. Then you initiate a little love play.
When you marry us, you sit on the couch in your underwear, remote
control in hand, and at half-time you yell, "Hey! How about a blow
job?" Yes, Sir! That's ROMANTIC!
Update Date: Dec. 15,1999
- NO BULL
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet
another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled
our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I
don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him
any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3
years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight till
I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let
me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet)
but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in
the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-bitch-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he
took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I
was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the
dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting-the bull's equivalent of an Ape's
beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman,
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure
he knows I'M a bull!"
To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
"Mother, John has given me every single thing I've asked for." "You're not
asking for enough!"
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination,
their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things
during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the
next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with
an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate
difficulty following the doctor's orders. But on the first night of
scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse
into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
An AOL technical support staff member is on vacation. He is taking his
parachute jump and the instructor tells him to count to 3 and then pull the
cord. He has trouble with counting that high so the instructor says "OK
yell GERONIMO and then pull the cord" He jumps from the plane but plunges
the ground without pulling the cord. The emergency services rush to him in
broken heap and a paramedic asks him what happened. "I just couldn`t
remember that fucking Indian`s name"
- THE BISHOP
A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never
a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the
by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple
that walked by.
Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much
fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.
"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!
- SEX FOOD
When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got to
have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing,
shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. But for
some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican.
Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late
at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it."
But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals,
you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey,
Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut
him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of
fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change.
Food would become a four-letter word. When people got angry at you, they'd
yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks
in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas
strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni."
Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two
burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." Garlic would be illegal in most
Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to
the poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo
napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates.
Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. Vice squads would conduct
raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away
from the buns, mister." Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming
teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area.
Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump
ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna
crack some crab?" Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a
religious tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go
blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates
for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon
and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I
helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay
three days. After that you can go to hell."
ERAP JOKES - a collection of 100s of Erap Jokes
ERAP JOKES ARCHIVE - a collection of more Erap Jokes
PINOY JOKES - a collection of 100s of Filipino Jokes
PINOY JOKES ARCHIVE - a collection of more Filipino Jokes
MORE JUST JOKES - a collection of over a 1000 regular jokes
Part 1 , 2 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 , 9 , 10 , 11 , 12
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