HELP  WANTED
 A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of
 gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and
 difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
 the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no
 male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem,
 the park administrators noticed Ed, part time intern, responsible for
 cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense, but possessed ample ability to
 satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might
 have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to
 have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest,
 but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
 The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but
 only under three conditions. "First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss
 her.Secondly, I want her to wear protection."
 The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they
 asked what was his third condition.
 "Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the
 five hundred bucks

Subject: Blonde Men

Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and
on't know how to get across.  The first man prays to God to make him smart
enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a
brown-haired man and he swims across.  The second man prays to God to make him
smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and
rows across the river.  The third man prays to God to make him the smartest
of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

Hillbillies

 Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite 
 watering hole when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned 
 around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing 
 down a possum burger too fast. 
 The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" 
 Yep" said the second hillbilly. 
 The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin 
 yew breath?" She shook her head no. 
 "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. 
 With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled down 
 her panties and started licking her butt. She was so shocked, she 
 coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief. 
 The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that 
 there hind lick maneuver works every time. 

   Facts of Marriage:
 The last fight was my fault.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
 I said, "Dust!"
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
 Then God created man and rested.  Then God created woman.
 Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 My wife and I are inseparable.
 In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 Why do men die before their wives?
 They want to.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
 About 5 drinks.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
 said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
 said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
 Two Mother-in-law.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
 doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
 Dad: That happens in every country, son.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted."  Next day he
 received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can
 have mine."
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
 it once.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
 Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 How do most men define marriage?
 An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
 thinking they had no faults at all.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
 word you say, talk in your sleep.
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
 until I got married; and then it was too late."
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
 married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
  - - - - - - - - - - -
 The bumper sticker read:
 "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

 
 Subject:	Texas Humor

  You know you're in Texas when:
  You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...
  You can say 110 degrees without fainting...
  You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...
  You can make instant sun tea...
  You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...
  The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...  You discover 
  that  in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car...
  You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...  You
  notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of 
  distance...
  Hot water now comes out of both taps...
  It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out 
  on the streets...
  You actually burn your hand opening the car door...  You break a sweat 
  the  instant you step outside...  at 7:30 am, before work...
  No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air
  conditioning...
  Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
  lying on the pavement and cook to death"?...  You realize that asphalt 
  has a liquid state...
  It's so hot in Texas ......
  The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.  The
  potatoes cook underground and all you have  to do to have lunch is to 
  pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.  Farmers are feeding their 
  chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
  It's so dry in Texas...  the cows are giving evaporated milk.  the trees 
  are  whistlin' for the dogs.
  A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain-not so much for me, cuz 
  I've seen it-but for my 7-year-old."
  A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"  A rancher
  quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible 
  where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied,  "Yes, I'm
  familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher  puffed up, we got bout 
  two and a half inches during that spell."

  Thanks

Who knows if these are true, but at least they are funny  ...
 ******************************************
 These are help desk stories from around the country...
 
 At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine
 my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user
 of a Macintosh Plus.  She had gotten her entire family out of the house and
 was calling  from her neighbor's.  She had just received her first system
 error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning
 that the computer was going to blow up.
 **********************************************************
 Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
 Customer: "OK."
 Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
 Customer: "No."
 Tech Support: "OK. Right click again.  Do you see a pop-up menu?"
 Customer: "No."
 Tech Support: "OK, sir.  Can you tell me what you have done up until
 this point?"
 Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
 (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the
 tech support staff what had happened.  I couldn't, however, stop from
 giggling when I got back to the call.)
 Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
 Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
 *********************************************************
 One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the
 batteries in her laptop.  When told that the directions were on the first page
 of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn
 thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
 **********************************************************
 Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
 getting the same error message."
 Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
 Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
 **********************************************************
 Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
 Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
 Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
 Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
 Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
 Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
 Customer: "What?"
 Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
 Customer "No..."
 **********************************************************
 Tech Support: "OK, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
 see the 'OK' button displayed?"
 Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
 **********************************************************
 Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
 Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
 Customer: "I can't open the box."
 Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
 from there."
 Customer: "Uhhhh...OK, thanks...."
 **********************************************************
 Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a
 fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command
 or file name'."
 Tech Support: "OK, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and
 type 'dir'."
 Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
 Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL'
 again."
 Customer: "OK." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
 Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't
 help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the
 Enter key?"
 Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad
 Command or file name'."
 Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
 I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
 Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the
 'M' key...does that matter?
 **********************************************************
 At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything.  They
 give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the
 computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
 
 Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
 Tech Support: "OK. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
 outage."
 Customer: "What is that?"
 Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
 Customer: "OK. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
 **********************************************************
 And the best for last!!!!
 
 Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk,
 and now my A: drive won't work."
 Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
 Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
 my drive, now it won't work at all."
 Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
 messages did you get?"
 Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the
 drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out.
 That didn't work either."
 Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
 Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
 wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
 Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
 Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used
 a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
 that got it loose.  Then I used the pliers and it came out fine.  I can't
 believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
 Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
 drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
 At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
 other techs to listen in.
 
 Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
 what you just said?"
 Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk
 out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
 Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out
 when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
 button?"
 Silence.
 Tech Support: "Sir?"
 Customer: "Yes."
 Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
 Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
 going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
 Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
 company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the
 instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult
 your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding
 to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
 Customer: "Ummmm."
 Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do
 record every call and have it on tape?"
 Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
 Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
 Have a nice day."

 
Liver and Cheese

A white man, a black man and a Mexican sit down at a bar. A 
beautiful woman walks in and sits down right next to them. 
The three begin an argument over who will approach her first. 
Used to this, the woman turns to them and says, "Listen boys, 
I'm a woman of culture and which ever one of you can use both 
the words liver and cheese in the same sentence can take me 
home."

"That's easy," said the white guy. "I like liver and I like 
cheese," as he gestures for her to come over.

"Oh, not good enough!" says the woman. 

With that, the black man said "Aww shit, don't be givin' me 
no liver and cheese!" and starts moving towards her. 

"No, no! That won't do either," the woman replies with a wave 
of her hand. 

The Mexican looks at his friends like they are nuts, walks up 
and puts his arm around the woman, smiles and says....... 
"Liver alone, cheese mine."

McDonald's Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
Editor's note:  I would have hired him too!!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not
possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.


A Quiz for People Who Know Everything 

  
(1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants 

know the score or the leader until the contest ends.  What is it?


(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 


(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for 

several growing seasons.  All other vegetables must be replanted every year. 

What are the only two perennial vegetables? 


(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident 

with each other.  How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour 

and minute hands cross? 


(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession 

of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the 

ball? 


(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 


(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear 

inside the bottle.  The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it 

hasn't been cut in any way.  How did the pear get inside the bottle? 


(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." 

They are all common.  Name two of them. 


(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.  Can you name 

half of them? 


(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"? 


(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base 

without getting a hit.  Taking a base on balls -- a walk -- is one way.Name 

the other six. 


(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, 

processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.  What is it? 


(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in 

one inning? 


(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin 

with the letter.  


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS...... 







(1) Boxing. 

(2) Niagara Falls.  The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year 

because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 

(3) Asparagus and rhubarb. 

(4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think). 

(5) Baseball. 

(6) Strawberry. 

(7) The pear grew inside the bottle.  The bottles are placed over pear 
buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree.  The bottle is 
left in place for the whole growing season.  When the pears are ripe, they 
are snipped off at the stems. 

(8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. 

(9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, 
exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and 
ellipses. 

(10) In Minnesota.  The team was originally known as the Minneapolis 
Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west. 

(11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher 
drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. 

(12) Lettuce. 

(13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the 
 batter out at first base, the runner is safe. 

(14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, 
stockings, and so on. 


Update Date Nov. 17

 THE PRINCESS

Once upon a time there lived a king, and the king had a beautiful
daughter,and everything the girl touched would melt. No matter what, metal,
wood,plastic, etc, everything she touched would melt! For this men were
afraid of her and nobody would marry her.
One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touch anyone thing
that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured".  The king was
overjoyed.
The next day he held a competition: any man that can bring her daughter
1 object that would not melt gets to marry her and inherit the king's
wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.The 1st prince brought a huge
diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But
alas,once the princess touched it, it melted!
So, the prince went away sad. The 2nd one brought a kind of very hard
alloy,but the same thing happened... so he too went away.
The 3rd one brought out something from his trouser, this time ... Tada!
it did not melt!!!  The king was overjoyed!!!  And the 3rd prince lived
happily with the princess ever after........
Question: What was the object? (Scroll down for answer)





Answer:: M&M Chocolate, melts in your mouth, not in your hand!


 Subject: THE PINCH

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of  your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself
better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of
your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You
know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the
gardener, the poolman and your brother.  

Sayings to Ponder

-Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

-Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

-My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

-Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought
goes away.

-God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

-I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

-There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

-The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know
what I'm doing, someone else does.

-The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.

-Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.

-Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it !

 The Elephant and the ant

     It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants 
     decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going 
     well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the 
     Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball 
     towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came 
     lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing 
     him instantly. 
     The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're 
     doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" 
     The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just 
     trying to trip him up." 



Avoidable Names - That is if you are Filipino with Chinese last name

Do not give your children these names: 
Monica Cheng (in Hokkien) - touching your buttocks 
Michael Tan (in Cantonese) - selling eggs 
Tommy Huang (in Mandarin) - Tang Ming Huang : Ming Dynasty's emperor 
Lucy Liaw (in Hokkien) - You are dead 
Judy Soo (in Malay) - Lost in Gamble 
Paul Chan (in Mandarin) - bankrupt 
Nelson Tan (in Mandarin) - bird laying eggs 
Jason Tan (in Mandarin) - bluff people laying eggs 
Nelson Chong (in Mandarin) - worms infested bird 

The Viruses

Lewinsky Virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
 
Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer,
then compiles a complex report that discredits
every aspect of your computer.
 
Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
 
Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.
 
Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.
 
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
Deletes all old files.
 
Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Disks can no longer be inserted.
 
Titanic Virus:
Your whole computer goes down.
 
Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
 
Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care.
 
Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
Only attacks minor files.
 
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates some files, leaves, but it vill be
baaack.

Lorena Bobbit Virus:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.
 
Viagra Virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
 
Clinton Virus:
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

 Stranded 
There was a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where
the following people were stranded: 
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 
2 French men and 1 French woman 
2 German men and 1 German woman 
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 
2 English men and 1 English woman 
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 
2 American men and 1 American woman 
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman 

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the
middle of nowhere, the following has occurred: 

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman. 

The two French ...men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage a trois. 

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman. 

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them. 

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman. 

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at 
the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. 

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the 
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true 
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the 
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her 
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how 
her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are 
low and it is not raining. 

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by 
setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture 
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few pints of  coconut 
whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any. 

 Dumb Criminals

Colorado Springs

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as 
well but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 
21.". The robber said he was but the clerk still refused to give it to 
him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his 
drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk 
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put 
the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his 
loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and 
address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the 
robber two hours later. 

  
A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was 
a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone 
and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the 
newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet 
and the thief was arrested. 


A true story out of San Francisco: 

A man wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America walked into the 
branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag". 
While standing in line waiting to give his note to the teller 
he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the 
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America 
and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few 
minutes in line he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read 
it and surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the 
brightest light in the harbor told him that she could not accept his 
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip 
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or 
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated 
the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who 
arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank 
of America. 
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that 
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later 
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead 
of payment he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several 
days later he received a letter from the police that contained another 
picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the 
fine. 


Pontiac, Michigan 

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen on trial in March in Pontiac 
Michigan said he had been searched without a warrant. The 
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in 
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense said Christopher who 
happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in 
court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge 
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he 
required a five minute recess to compose himself. 


Oklahoma City 

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a 
district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district 
attorney Larry Jones said Newton 47 was doing a fair job of defending 
himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. 
Newton jumped up accused the woman of lying and then said 
"I should of blown your head off." The defendant paused then quickly 
added "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes 
to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. 


Detroit

R.C. Gaitlan 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing 
their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit 
neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked the officer asked him for 
identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license 
they entered it into the computer and moments later they arrested Gaitlan 
because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a 
two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis Missouri. 

Another from Detroit

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving 
revolvers. The first one shouted "Nobody move!" When his partner 
movedthe startled first bandit shot him. 



Cigars and Insurance 

A Charlotte,NC man having purchased a case of very rare very 
expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within 
a month having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without 
having made even his first premium payment on the policy 
the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim 
the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The 
insurance company refused to pay citing the obvious reason that the man had 
consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In 
delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous stated 
nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had 
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would 
insure against fire without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable 
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. 

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company 
accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in 
"the fires". 
After the man cashed the check however the company had him arrested on 24 
counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous 
case being used against him the man was convicted of intentionally burning 
his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24000 fine. 


A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous "blonde" 
eating at the next table.  He had been checking her out all night, but  
lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards 
the man.  With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air & returned it to 
the "blonde".

"Oh my god, I am so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the 
socket.

"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited 
him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a while she brought him into the 
bedroom and began undressing him.  The couple had wild, passionate sex many 
times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him 
breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed.  "You know, you are the perfect woman.

Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied...









		Wait for it.................



















You just happened to catch my eye!"


The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information then
she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what
was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that is not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state.  He replied, "Don't lie to me.
I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the
map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I
heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33
am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but she could not understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I
told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No,
why do you ask?"  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm
overweight, is there any connection?"  After putting her on hold for
a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came
back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn
planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been
to China many times and never had to have one of those."  I double
checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him
this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally,
the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what
flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport
code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The
customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly.  Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and
finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew
it was a big animal!"

For adult folks only !!!
SEXUAL HOROSCOPES 

     Aries women:
     Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. 
     You'll have sex anywhere,
     you know what you want - intense and frequent sex,
      you have a need  for complete control, but you're also 
     in love with love.  As a mate,  you are ardent, loyal, 
     sentimental,and earthly.  Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial 
     fuzz.
      
     Aries men:
     Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - 
     you never  know what is going to happen!  Never expect him 
     to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he 
     is ready to go.  Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to 
     deliver. 
     Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. 
     Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman
     has gone before.  His favorite position: a woman on her knees 
     leaning forward.
    
     Taurus women:
     You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you 
     by the book.  Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual 
     approaches.
     But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner 
     breathless.  You have a need for oral gratification, both giving 
	 and receiving.Best sex mates:  Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo.Most
	 likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one.  You also like biting...hmmmm!
      
     Taurus men:
     He is the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his 
     partner's feelings.
     He prefers it slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the 
	 exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully.  
     This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex.  
     Stamina? 
     This man could wear down a glacier!  His erogenous zone: gently
     and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.
    
  
     Gemini women:
     Often the aggressor; you are never embarrassed by your behavior
     because you never adhere to any standards except your own. 
     Your main  requirement:   a lover who knows how to take his 
     time. 
     You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that 
     in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of 
     the spiritual
    and the physical, the romantic and the practical.  You want to 
    talk to the guy after you tumble with him!  Best sex mates are Leo, 
    Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries.  Favorite gadget: the vibrator.
      
     Gemini men:
     He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror.  He can 
     work any  partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke 
     the right responses.  Oral sex isn't his favorite pastime, but he 
     will take his time with other preliminaries.  Tends to be fast and 
     furious, more concerned with satisfying  himself than his partner, but he 
     is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected 
     by other men.  He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear.  
     His erogenous zone:  move your lips and tongue lightly up his 
     arm.    
  
     Cancer women:
     Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvelous lover 
     for you are capable of intense sensuality.  You will reciprocate passion 
     with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best 
     performance.
     On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation.  Your 
     favorite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind.  
     Best sex mates:
       Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a 
       slave to sexual pleasure!
      
     Cancer men:
     His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has 
     a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a 
     delightful swain.
     Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other 
     than the bad; likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral 
     manipulation!  You'll like the trip as it is as much traveling 
     to a place as it is arriving.
    
 
     Leo women:
     Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy!  Whatever Leo wants, Leo 
     gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed-partners who have scars 
     to prove it.
     Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can 
     look up and admire the beauty of your body.  Best sex mates:  Libra, 
     Scorpio,Sagittarius,Aries.  Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and
     panties!
      
     Leo men:
     Simply brushes aside rules and conventions.  One important rule 
     to remember about him: NEVER tease.  His endurance is remarkable 
     and he has a great appetite for making love.  He likes women in the 
     submissive position and oral sex is okay only when he can give 
     and receive. 
     He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it.  
     His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.
    
  
     Virgo women:
     You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop 
     magnifying its importance.  Prefer men who will wait for the
     relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable.  
     You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and 
     your grace and modesty is a great turn on.  You become an artist
     at pleasing your lover. Favorite kink: can't  truly enjoy it 
     unless a third party is present.  Best sex mates:  Gemini, Cancer and 
     Aquarians.
      
     Virgo men:
     Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives,  you 
     had better be prepared for him to bring his pajamas, shaving equipment, and
     toothbrush.  He likes to talk about how you like it and having 
     talked about it,
     he will key in on the right erotic response.  Don't expect 
     imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion.  His secret 
     life:can be obsessed with pornography.  Erogenous zone: his buttocks.
    

     Libra women:
     Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely 
     feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist.  You feel your body was made to be 
     seen and admired.  Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault.  When 
     approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything.  
     Unusual control of vaginal muscles.  Best sex mates:  Aries, Gemini, 
     Leo,Scorpio,Sagittarius, and Aquarius.  Like any position where your 
     buttocks are exposed.
      
     Libra men:
     Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the 
     sheets.
     Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the menage a 
     trois. 
     He has the patience needed to satisfy.  He likes women who 
     dress well and have long hair.  If a woman's clothes look as though they 
     are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore.  Erogenous zone: 
     back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against 
     either of them!  
     
 
     Scorpio women:
     Inquisitive, searching, and experimental.  Knows that eroticism 
     consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking.  While looking like 
     a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the 
     bedroom.Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help 
     your man maintain his potency.  You never take no for an answer and when 
     interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile.  
     Best sex mates:  Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces.  Props you love: 
     scented body oils, flavored lubricating gels, and vibrators.
      
     Scorpio men:
     A lustful, sexy animal.  Enjoys biting and sucking and is a 
     master of oral sex.  Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at 
     nipples or the insides of thighs.  Likes it in the water, but his kink 
     is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. 
	 His erogenous zone is his genitalia.
      
  
     Sagittarius women:
     You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, 
     camper, or on the beach.  You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the 
     preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible.  Like to 
     tease your partner to the point of losing control.  You don't mind if your 
     man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover.  Best sex 
     mates:Leo,Libra, and Sagittarius.  Your sexual wardrobe will consist of 
     accessories - gloves and shoes!
      
     Sagittarius men:
     Sex is always an intense experience with him - he often comes 
     too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position.  He is the master 
     of erotic massage - both oral and manual.  His tongue can be a wicked 
     instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect!  
     He will go to any lengths to please his chosen woman; and is extremely loyal.
     Erogenous zones:  genitals and inner thighs.  And he likes to 
     look at a woman's labia and breasts, and likes to have sex with a woman in 
     peek-a-boo panties.
      
  
     Capricorn women:
     Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing 
     flat!  Not interested in exotic variation; only staying in power.  Since 
     you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and 
     please yourself.  Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild 
     contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more 
     than once.
     Also a scratcher and a screamer.  Best sex mates:  Taurus, 
     Scorpio and Pisces.

     Capricorn men:
     Sex evokes the best he can offer.  He is a planner and a schemer 
     (that is a schemer, not a screamer!).  Prefers a woman who knows what he 
     enjoys,and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants 
     her.  Has the stamina of a marathon runner.  Here is the man who will hold off 
     until you are ready to scream!  Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at 
     the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.
      
  
     Aquarius women:
     A slow starter, you idealize love and encompass it with 
     tenderness.  Once aroused though, anything goes!  Extremely imaginative and likes 
     trying new things.  There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. 
     Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is 
     worthwhile.
     Best sex mates:  Aries, Gemini, Libra,  Sagittarius, and Leo. 
     Favorite sex position:  standing up, and in water.
       
     Aquarius men:
     Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of 
     foreplay before getting down to it.  May have be to revved up, but once 
     his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence.  
     He will always see you through to climax.  A woman who knows what she 
     wants will be very happy.  He usually ensures an orgasm twice - 
     once orally and once genitally.  Erogenous zones:  gently 
     touching the calves and ankles will get him going.  Be careful though -
     a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!
    
   
     Pisces women:
     Always make the right moves, say the right things, and creates 
     the right ambiance.  You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of 
     eroticism.
     If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get 
     torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! 
     Loves soft candelite, warm fireplaces, mystery,
     applies Romanticism in all she does.
     A true romantic at heart.
     Favorite places: in a waterbed or hot tub.  Best sex mates: 
     Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.
    
    
     Pisces men:
     Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a 
     swift response.  Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and 
     legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving to match 
     his own. A Master at foreplay and Oral sex, you should expect 
     several orgasms orally before he gets down to the main event.
     Pisces men have tremendous endurance so be prepared
     Likes sex in a chair , also standing. 
     He likes to be submissive at times.  Becomes an addict to 
     anything that will give pleasure and release. 
     Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his feet.
 
Update Date Nov. 18

 WORKPLACE ETIQUETTE 
 Top 10 things that sound dirty in the office...but aren't: 

 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 
 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 
 8. Just stick it in my box. 
 7. If I have to lick one more...I'll gag! 
 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 
 5. HMMMMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid! 
 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish 
 3. It's an entry-level position. 
 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? 
 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't: 
 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there! 

 Top 10 things that sound dirty in law that aren't: 
 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 
 9. He is one hard judge! 
 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers! 
 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute. 
 6. Is it a penal offense? 
 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 
 4. For $200 an hour...she better be good! 
 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 
 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 
 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 
 1. Think you can get me off? 

 Top 10 things that sound dirty in golf but aren't 
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent. 
 9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk. 
 8. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker! 
 7. Look at the size of his putter! 
 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 
 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 
 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 
 3.  My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip. 
 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. 
 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 
 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first. 

 
Top Ten Reasons Sex is Better than School 
   10. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and 
 only because they haven't had sex yet. 
   9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks. 
   8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel 
 like smoking something a whole lot stronger. 
 7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to. 
  6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink. 
   5. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress. 
   4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex. 
   3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something. 
   2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still 
 cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition. 
   And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is... 
 1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At 
 school your teachers screw you regardless!! 

DEAD CAMEL IN THE DESERT

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. 
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree. Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would
you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might See
yours?"
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I
touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask
something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis.  Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a
huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right
place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out
of here."

The Old  Man

The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The
owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them
himself. He couldn't help staring at the lady, which, of course, the
elderly man noticed.

"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife that
I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you double for
the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"OK, agreed!" said the agency owner.

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did
the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So
did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his
pecker and bent it in half.

"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.


Subject: scales - inspirational - just once in awhile.

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat
on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner
of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her
charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was
very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed
food.  John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that
she leave his store.
Visualizing the family needs, she said: 'Please, sir! I
will bring you the money
just as soon as I can." John told her he could not give her
credit, as she did not have a charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard
the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward
and told the grocerman that he would stand good for whatever she needed
for her family.

The grocerman said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have
a grocery list?"

Louise replied "Yes sir!" "O.K." he said: "Put your grocery
list on the scales and whatever your  grocery list weighs, I will
give you that amount in groceries."

Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she
reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it.
She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully
with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocerman and the customer showed amazement
when the scales went down and stayed down. The grocerman staring at
the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I
can't believe it."
The customer smiled and the grocerman started putting the
groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he
continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales
would hold no more. The grocerman stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he
grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with 
greater amazement.
It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:
"Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."

The grocerman gave her the groceries that he had gathered
and placed on the scales and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and
left the store.
The customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to John as he said,
It was worth every penny of it."

It was sometime later that John Longhouse discovered the
scales were broken, therefore only God knows how much a prayer weighs.



A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She
held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take
her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then
finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two
black, and two decaf."

The Psychiatrist

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided
to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their
guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have
problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time
right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I
frequently seduce my female patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways
to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the
things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my
patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no
matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret."

Bumble Bee

One spring day, a young man and woman were in
their bedroom making love.  All of a sudden, a bumble bee
entered through the bedroom window.

As the young lady parted her legs, the bumble
bee flew in and entered her love nest.  The woman started
screaming,
"Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina."

The husband immediately took her to the local ER
and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Okay,
what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my
penis and insert it into your wife's vagina.  When I feel
the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall
withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow."

The husband nodded and gave his approval.  The
young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his
penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady.  After a
few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed
the honey yet.  Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

The doctor went deeper, and then deeper.  After
a while the doctor began pumping the young lady really hard.
The young lady then began to quiver with excitement and
started moaning and groaning aloud, "Oh, doctor, Oh, doctor..."
The doctor then put his hands on the woman's breasts and
started moaning aloud himself.

The husband at this point became very annoyed
and shouted, "Now wait a damn minute.  Just what in the hell
do you think you're doing?  That's my wife!!"

The doctor replied, "Change of plan.  I'm gonna
drown the little bastard!"

  

MEDICAL TESTS

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very
loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for A blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I've come for my urine test!

Thanksgiving Preparation


He laid her on the table

So white clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast

And then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........

And then he stuffed the turkey.


Subject: The Twelve Days of Thanksgiving

   On the First Day.....
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

   On the Second Day.....
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard
rolls.

   On the Third Day.....
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

   On the Fourth Day.....
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be
celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

   On the Fifth Day.....
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of naked
turkey carcass.

   On the Sixth Day.....
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at
the turkey and calls it Oriental.

   On the Seventh Day.....
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

   On the Eighth Day.....
The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.

   On the Ninth Day.....
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.

   On the Tenth Day.....
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

   On the Eleventh Day.....
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

   On the Twelfth Day.....
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers.
          And everybody says Amen.


Subject: Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving

10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."

  9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

  8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

  7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

  6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

  5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

  4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold  her
      down."

  3. "It's cool whip time!"

  2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

  1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts
      out."



PEPPERONI PIZZA

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he
hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's
any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells
him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they
deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you
odered, pepper only."


SECRET CODE

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a
code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without
letting their children in on it. They decided on the word
"typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old
daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now
because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy
had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell
daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother
and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.


THE BET

She was an attractive barmaid so Myrddin slapped a ten on the bar said,
"I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.
Myrddin took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to
the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Myrddin challenged. The bet was accepted
and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped
up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet.
Myrddin lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Myrddin said, "You win some, you lose some !!"


THE SOUP

Thorn was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM,
they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.

At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he
refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Thorn
turned down the soup, so they gave up.

In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at
3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Thorn got home from the hospital after the tests, he told
his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they
try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in
while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!



Thought For The Day

Documentation is like sex: When it is good, it is VERY good; and when it's
bad, it's still better than nothing at all.


A SPECIAL PIG

A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops
car trouble.

The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he
pulls his car over. Fortunately, he spies a farmhouse a little
ways up and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for
help.

At the house, a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's
plight, welcomes him in to use the phone.

While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he
notices something odd in the farmer's backyard: a pig with a
wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a
conversation.

The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was
that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?"  "Sure was,"
the farmer replies.  The man says, "I have to know, why does
the pig have a wooden leg?"

"Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says.  "One day,
I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig
pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife,
and let her know I was in trouble."

"Wow," the man said.  "I don't know of many dogs that could do
that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the
pig have a wooden leg?!"

"Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very
special pig. One day me and the Mrs. were asleep in bed when
the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the
bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you
today, saved our lives."

"I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting
a little frustrated, "But, please tell me.  Why does the pig
have a wooden leg!?"

"Well," the farmer replies, "a pig as special as that, you
wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?"

Year 2000 Suggested State Mottos:
  (An Opportunity for States to Start Over with the Truth)
  
   Alabama:
   Yes, We Have Electricity
         
   Alaska:
   11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
          
   Arizona:
   But It's a Dry Heat
          
   Arkansas:
  Litterasy Ain't Everthing
         
  California:
  By 2030 Our Women Will Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
          
   Colorado:
  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
          
   Connecticut:
   Like Massachusetts, only the Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
           ..
   Delaware:
   We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
         
   Florida:
   Ask Us About Our Grandkids
          
   Georgia:
   We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
         
   Hawaii:
   Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
  (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
         
   Idaho:
   More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The
  Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
          
   Illinois:
  Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
         
   Indiana:
   2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
          
   Iowa:
   We Do Amazing Things With Corn
          
   Kansas:
   First Of The Rectangle States
          
   Kentucky:
   Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
          
   Louisiana:
   We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
          
   Maine:
  We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
          

   Maryland:
   If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
          
   Massachusetts:
   Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
          
   Michigan:
   First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
          
   Minnesota:
  10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
          
   Mississippi:
   Come Feel Better About Your Own State
          
   Missouri:
  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
          
   Montana:
   Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
  Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else
          
   Nebraska:
   Ask About Our State Motto Contest
         
   Nevada:
   Whores and Poker!
          
   New Hampshire:
  Go Away And Leave Us Alone
          
   New Jersey:
  You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer
  ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
          
   New Mexico:
   Lizards Make Excellent Pets
          
  New York:
   You Have The Right To Remain
  Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
          
   North Carolina:
   Tobacco Is A Vegetable
          
   North Dakota:
   We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
         
   Ohio:
   At Least We're Not Michigan
          
   Oklahoma:
   Like The Play, Only No Singing
          
   Oregon:
   Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
          
   Pennsylvania:
   Cook With Coal
          
   Rhode Island:
   We're Not REALLY An Island
          
   South Carolina:
   Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
          
   South Dakota:
   Closer Than North Dakota
          
   Tennessee:
  The Educashun State
          
   Texas:
   Si' Hablo Ing'les
   (Yes, I Speak English)
          
   Utah:
   Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
          
  Vermont:
  Yep
          
   Virginia:
   Who Says Government Stiffs And
  Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
         
   Washington:
   Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
          
   Washington, D.C.:
   Wanna Be Mayor?
          
   West Virginia:
   One Big Happy Family...Really!
         
   Wisconsin:
   Come Cut The Cheese
          
   Wyoming:
   Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep
  Are Scared
  

Subject: Pills

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Wal-mart and
asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches
it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He comes out and the man, looking
around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you
took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."


Update Date Nov. 19, 1999 - the last odd date of the century 

A teacher saw the word "PENIS" on the blackboard. She erased it.
The next day she saw it again written on the board in big letters. She erased it.
On the third day, it was there again and was written even more bigger. It
has a note which said: The more you rub it, the more it gets bigger!

Subject: LUIGI!!

Luigi:  "Father, I think  I have commit big sin."
Priest:  "Why, Luigi?"
Luigi:  "I think I married my sister."
Priest:  "No, no Luigi.  I've known you and your wife all your lives, and
there is no relation.  What makes you think you've married your sister?"
Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say 
---"Oh, brother!"

Subject: GIGGLES!!!!

A couple wanted to get married in a hurry. The man, a soldier on a 48-hour
pass, took his blushing bride to see the vicar.

"Impossible," said the vicar.  "Even a special license would take too 
long."

The would-be bride and bridegroom exchanged a look of misery, then a smile
spread across the soldier's face.  "Well," he suggested brightly, "couldn't
you say a few word just to tide us over the weekend?"


Two elderly spinsters bought a farm and went to see the farmer about 
stocking it with chickens.

Timidly they said they wanted 500 hens and 500 roosters.

The amazed farmer explained that 50 roosters would be sufficient for 500 
hens.

Embarrassed and blushing modestly, the elder spinster spoke up determinedly
and said, "No, we want 500 hens and 500 roosters.  We know what it means to
be lonesome!"


Newlywed Bride:  "Will you love me when I'm old?"

Newlywed Groom: "Love you?  I shall idolize you.  I shall worship the 
ground that you walk on.  I shall -- errrr ---uhhhh----You're NOT going to look 
like your mother, are you?"


A sailor on leave was paying his bill at a fashionable note.  Looking at 
the girl cashier who was taking his money, he asked what she had around her 
neck.
"A necklace of course.  Why did you ask?"
"Well," said the sailor, "everything is so high around here I thought it
might be your garter."


ACCIDENTS HAPPEN

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,  the 
last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm  trips 
to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his
ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the  soiled sheets
in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring  down at the
sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident  walked up and
asked, "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!

Propaganda From The Lone Star State

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar
and said that his wife had just produced "a typical
Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as
they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of
the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at
birth?  How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he
weigh twenty pounds?"

The proud Texas father said, "Yup...just had him circumcised!"

Subject: Wall

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap
housing complex near the base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that
they had no privacy.  This was painfully obvious when one morning
the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.
She was interrupted by the doorbell and went  to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a  roll of toilet paper
into her hands.  "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
_______________________________________

Thought for the day 
It's better to have loved and lost than ...
to live with a jerk for the rest of your life.
___________________________________

"Women might be able to fake orgasms.  But men can fake whole
relationships."  - Jimmy Shubert

A few quickies....

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out

 Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he 
noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. 
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. 
"Nope," Jimmy replied. 
"Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. 
"Nope." 
"You didn't steal it, did you?" 
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the 
other night when they 'doing the nasty'.  Dad gave me his 
watch to get rid of me. 
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and 
extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get 
one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' 
room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. 
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the 
bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked 
him angrily; "What do you want now?" 
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied. 
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine.  Stand in 
the corner and keep quiet, then." 


Update Date Nov. 20,1999

The Importance Of Correct Punctuation

Dear Greg: 
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, 
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and 
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no 
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy-will you 
let me be yours? 

Elle 


------------------------------------------------------------------------


AND NOW FOR THE BOMBSHELL VERSION.... 

Dear Greg: 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, 
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and 
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no 
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you 
let me be? 

Yours, 

Elle 

Arms Race
     
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that 
if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the 
whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole 
dispute with one dog fight. 
They'd have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and 
whichever country's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The 
losing country would have to lay down its arms. 
     
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the 
world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They 
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed 
his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers 
and after 5 years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had 
ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 inches thick and 
nobody could get near it. 
     
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a 
strange animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for 
the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could 
possibly last 10 secondswith the Russian dog. When the cages were opened 
up, the dachshundcame out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the 
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage and 
charged the American dachshund. 
     
But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the 
Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. 
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. 
     
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 
'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best 
people working for 5 years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in 
the world.' 
     
'Really', the Americans replied. 'We had our best plastic surgeons 
working for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.' 
     



"Lawyer Joke / Pearly Gates Joke"


One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together 
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into 
Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed 
the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into 
an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered 
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the 
gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the 
question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" 
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, 
"About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to 
the lawyer. "Name them."

---------------------------------- 


The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in
newspapers: 
_____________________________________
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 

1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 

------------------------------ 

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, 

COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, 

AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 

------------------------------- 

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... 

ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 

-------------------------------- 

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 

---------------------------- 

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer 

---------------------------- 

AMANA WASHER $100. 

OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. 

---------------------------- 

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... 

ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. 

------------------------------- 

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG 

--------------------------------- 

FREE PUPPIES: 

1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG 

----------------------------------- 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 

8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. 

--------------------------------- 

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 

---------------------------------- 

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents 

----------------------------------- 

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. 

NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. 

----------------------------------- 

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 

20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. 

----------------------------------- 

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS 

WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. 

---------------------------------- 

FOR SALE: 

LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 

----------------------------------- 

NORDIC TRACK $300 

HARDLY USED 

CALL CHUBBIE 

------------------------------------- 

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING 

"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" 

-------------------------------------- 

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS 

-------------------------------------- 

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. 

LOOKS LIKE A RAT... 

BEEN OUT AWHILE..BETTER BE REWARD. 

--------------------------------------- 

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER 

"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

---------------------------------------- 

GET A LITTLE JOHN: 

THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. 
----------------------------------------- 
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB 
----------------------------------------- 

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 

89 cents lb. 
------------------------------------------ 
NICE PARACHUTE: 

NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED 
------------------------------------------- 
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. 

------------------------------------------ 
AMERICAN FLAG 

60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 

------------------------------------------- 

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? 

WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE 

HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. 

--------------------------------------------- 

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO 

TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 

NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE 

RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. 

PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. 

ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. 

------------------------------------------------ 

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: 

QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX 

SPRINGS -$175. 

------------------------------------------------- 

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE 

OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. 

------------------------------------------------- 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 

MUST SELL WASHER @ DRYER $300. 

------------------------------------------------ 

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. 

-------------------------------------- 
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. 

------------------------------ 

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. 
------------------------------

BAR S SLICED BALOGNA 

REGULAR OR TASTY 

SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 

---------------------------------- 

BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON 

FREE COFFEE WITH DONUTS 

-------------------------------------- 

KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box 

----------------------------------------------- 

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED 

MAN - $2.09 lb. 

  
 The retiree
  
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. 
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for 
lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just 
hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down 
the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from 
the hole. "Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the 
pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great ! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

 The Punker

     A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.  He's got spiked, 
     multicolor hair that's green, purple, and orange.  His clothes are a 
     tattered mix of leather rags.  His legs are bare and he's without 
     shoes.  His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and 
     his earring are big bright feathers.
     
     He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across form an old man 
     who just glares at him for the next ten miles.  Finally, the punk gets 
     self conscious and barks at the old man:  "what are you looking at, 
     you old fart?"
     
     Without missing a beat, the old man replies:  "Yeah, back when I was 
     young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and 
     had sex with a parrot.  I thought maybe you were my son".
     Thirty years ago, programmers figured two digits were enough for the
     year.
     No way in heck would the software run long enough for this to be a
     problem!
 
 
 The UNIX guys were wrong.

 Another operating system uses a 32 bit counter to count time in
 milliseconds from the moment the system is turned on.  No way in
 neck would the system stay up long enough for this to cause a problem when it
 rolled over!
 
                        It rolls over in 49 days.
 
                        It's in Win 95 and Win 98.
 
                        Microsoft was right.
 
 
KIDS IN CHURCH
  
 One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the 
 morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some
 sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father
 picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his
 way out.  Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one
 called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
*******************************************************
 And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our  trash 
 baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
*******************************************************
 One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to 
 rest, and hope to pass  tomorrow's test, If I should die before I
 wake,that's one less test I have to take."
*******************************************************
 A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my 
 mommy and my sister and  my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please
 take care of yourself, God.  If anything happens to  you, we're gonna be
 in a big mess."
*******************************************************
 A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says 
 your prayers for you each night Very commendable. What does she say?" 
 The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".
*******************************************************
 A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
 her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
 blessing?". 
 "I  wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say
 what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head
 and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to
 dinner?" 

 Thmas Edison

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he had trouble 
selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making
light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around 
the country installing lights in different towns in order to 
drum up publicity.

While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation 
and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After 
much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights 
in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. 
This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!

 Y2K Memo
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system
which will be year 2000 compliant.  This program is known as 'Millennia
Year Application Software System', or MYASS.
 
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone.  We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so
that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. 
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person
at a time can use MYASS.  This restriction will be removed when MYASS
expands.
 
Some employees have begun using this program already.  This
morning I walked into a co-workers office and was not suprised to find he
had his nose buried in MYASS.  Some of the less technical people may be
somewhat afraid of MYASS.  Last week my secretary said to me that she was
nervous because she had never put anything in MYASS before.  I helped her
through the first time, and afterward she admitted that it was completely
painless and that she was ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns about the virus that was found in MYASS,
but we corrected it and were able to save MYASS.  In the future, though,
we will require you to have protection before entering MYASS.  This
database can be used for all sorts of purposes, so feel free to put anything
you want in MYASS.  Some day soon, it will be common for a supervisor to
hand work to an employee and give the simple instructions: 'Here, stick this
in MYASS."  As a result, whenever someone needs information, I'll be
able to pull it out of MYASS. 

 ....Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
    
 AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
 "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance
 package.
     =======================================================
     ....With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them, shouting please to come out and give himself up...
     =======================================================
     ....And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper
then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
 =======================================================
     ....And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer
allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
 
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days
for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated
the school's "zero-tolerance" policy.
    =======================================================
   ....Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
system..."
        =======================================================
   ....The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up
the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him. 
=======================================================
    ....Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!   
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a
police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had
been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a
6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker
Power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing
brain.
=======================================================
   ....Have I Got a Deal for You!
 More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly
enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.  According
to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend
their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted
deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy
the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel
at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that
the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
=======================================================
    ....Did I Say That?!
   Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in
the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or  I'll shoot," the
man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
=======================================================
   ....Ouch, That Smarts!
 A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.  The robber
apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was
running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police
spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place
Inside his pants."
Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
=======================================================
   ....Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
=======================================================
  ....Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
 
___________________________________________________

Subject: FW: Can I borrow some money?
 
 
Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally dropped some 
cards on the floor.  When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he
noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear!  Shocked by
this,  
John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.  Bill's wife
followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or
two, John indicates that he is interested.  She tells him that since
Bill works Friday afternoons and John  doesn't, John
should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
  
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm.  After paying her
$100, they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then  John left. 
  
Bill came home about 6:00 pm.  He asked his wife, "Did John come by 
this afternoon?"
  
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
  
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
  
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'  Finally she says, "Yes, he did 
give me $100."
  
"Good,"  Bill says.  "John came by the office this morning and 
borrowed $100 from me.  He said that he would stop by our  house on his
way 
home and pay me back."



 Words To Live By~

  DREAMS

  "A dream is in the mind of the believer,
  and in the hands of the doer"
  "You are not given a dream,
  without being given the power to make it come true."

  FRIENDSHIP

  "A friend is someone who walks in when the
  rest of the world walks out."
  "True friends are like diamonds, precious
  but rare."
 "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
  Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
  Just walk beside me and be my friend."

  GOD

 "God sometimes puts us in the dark for us to see the light."
 "God is able to do immeasurable deeds."
 "Where God guides, He always provides."
 "God's help is only a prayer away."
 "God without man is still God. Man without God is nothing."
 "Prayer changes things."

  LOVE

 "Love is never having to say you are sorry."
 "When you love a person, you are giving him,
 the power to hurt you."
 "Love is having to see more than what meets the eyes."
 "You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
 "True love is like ghosts,
 which everybody talks about and few have seen."

  THE FUTURE

  "Heal the past; live the present; dream the future."
  "Do not start today, with the broken pieces of Yesterday."
  "Destiny is not a matter of chance.
  It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for,
  it is a thing to be achieved."

  LIFE

  "Life will only come once, so make the most out of it."
  "God didn't gave us all things to enjoy life,
  but life to enjoy all things."
  "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
  "Mistakes are not intended to down us
  rather they make us stronger."


Beginner's Golf

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. 
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for 
lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just 
hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down 
the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from 
the hole. "Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the 
pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great ! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.



Wake up and put a little smile on your face!!!

   A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him
   what he can do.  The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but
   can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.  The man
   agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend
   over and shoves the thing way up his behind.  The doctor then hands him a
   second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

   So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
   suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself
   properly to obtain the required depth.  He calls his wife over and tells her
   what to do.  The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him
   and with the other shoves the medicine home.  Suddenly the man screams,
   "DAMN!"  "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

   "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did
   that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

 Another Golf Humor

Two friends, Sid and Barney, head out for a quick round of 
golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 
9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth 
the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest 
score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. 
After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his 
ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. 
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost 
ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Barney pulls a ball from 
his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" 
he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been
friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you
know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"


... "Guards Reading Prisoner's Mail"
     
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I 
have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best 
time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read 
all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch 
the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, 
he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't 
believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug 
up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear 
wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
     

     
... "Walking Across Water"
     
     
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The 
pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore 
and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and 
sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I 
going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor 
and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, 
if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he 
falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we 
should of told him where the rocks were?"
     

... "Rabbit Coming Back To Life"
     
     
Rabbit resuscitation... A man was driving along the highway, and saw a 
rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid 
hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the 
car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal 
lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had 
become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The 
driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway 
saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped 
out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he 
explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman 
told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk 
and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, 
and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the 
rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and 
hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, 
waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, 
waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't 
figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over 
to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you 
spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man 
could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead 
Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
     
     
"What Is Sex?"
     
      
     An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She 
     asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she 
     would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to 
     ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He 
     proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he 
     finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth 
     hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" 
     The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be 
     ready in just a couple of secs."



Subject: Genie
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert
without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his
camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,
certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden
he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him.  He crawls to the object, pulls it out
of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine
bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in
the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But
this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a
Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat,
side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You
have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going
to trust a Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner
anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that
the genie is right.  "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis
with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen.  And he is surrounded with jugs of wine
and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled
with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I
were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish
for. There may be a string attached.
 

E-MAIL FACTS OF LIFE
 
 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is
not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation.
There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. 
You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true.
"Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four 
generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does
not actually make it true.
 
 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up
in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened
to their cousin. If you are insistent on believing the kidney-theft ring
stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued
requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their
stories.None have." That's "none," as in "ZERO". Not even your friend's
cousin.
 
 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even
if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html. Then, if you make the recipe, 
decide the cookies are that awesome,feel free to pass the recipe on.

 4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate
co- workers, gross-out bathroom stall neighbors, and creep out people on
an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students,
Usenet posters, and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to
change a light bulb.
 
 5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium
that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this
information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
 
 6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever,
ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first
confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii.
Try: http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/hoax.html
And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.
 
 7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of
your message, you're probably going to be punished eternally. (Ever heard
of BCC:?) 

8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write e-mail,
turn off "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't
care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser,
since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman-Marcus Cookie
Recipe anyway.
 
 9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message
from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers
showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure
wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the "" that begin each line. Besides, if it has
gone around that many times, we've probably already seen it.
 
 10. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything
else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business
cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.


... "The Widower Playing Golf"
     
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. 
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long 
funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in 
mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in 
prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching 
thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, 
"Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
     
     
... "Is The Dog Dead?"
     
A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is 
dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a 
cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't 
move. 
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. 
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. 
"$345," says the doctor. 
"$345!!?" the lady asks. 
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
     
... "Comments At Your Funeral"
   
     3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in 
     heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends 
     and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say 
     about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I 
     was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy 
     says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school 
     teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The 
     last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's 
     Moving!
     
 
  REDNECK SEX TEST
    
    1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
    2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
    3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
    4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
    5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
    6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
    7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
    8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
    9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
    10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
    11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
    12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
    13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
    14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
    15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False
    16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
    17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
    18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
    19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
    20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
    21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
    22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
    23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
    24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
    25. Douche is the French word for "twelve". True or False
 
 Tech Jokes
 
TAKE ONE

Q:  What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
    Engineers?
A:  Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.
-------------------------------------------------------------------- 
TAKE TWO
 
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up
against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall.  Then,
every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half
the previous distance apart.  A mathematician, a physicist, and an
engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
 
The mathematician said:  "Never."

The physicist said:  "In an infinite amount of time."
 
The engineer said:  "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close
enough for all practical purposes."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------
TAKE THREE
 
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical.  After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired.  Several years later his company contacted
him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with
one of their multi-million dollar machines.  They had tried
everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.  In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.  He spent a day studying
the huge machine.  At the end of the day he marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated,
"This is where your problem is."
 
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.  When
the company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service, they demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.  The
engineer responded briefly:
 
One chalk mark ................... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
 
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

------------------------------------------------------------------
TAKE FOUR
 
Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a
conference.  At the station, the three mathematicians each buy
tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are
three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
mathematician.  "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
 
They all board the train.  The mathematicians take their respective
seats, but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the
door behind them.  Shortly after the train has departed, the
conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the rest room door and
says, "Ticket, please."  The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.
 
The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea.  So
after the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that).  When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.
 
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
mathematician.
 
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
 
When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one
rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.  The train
departs.  Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his rest
room and walks over to the rest room where the mathematicians are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
 
_____________________________________________

FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE
  
 While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight
 machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.  She put a
 quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh
 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle".
  
 She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but
 it did have her age correct.  About that time, an old gentleman walked up
 carrying a fiddle.  She asked him if she could see his fiddle.  He agreed,
 and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural
 skill. 
   
 She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something
 about her that she didn't.  She thought about it, and decided to try the weight
 machine again.  She put another quarter in the machine, and out
 comes the card that reads:
  
 "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."  She
 found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes
 back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.  While sitting there, she develops
 abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she
 farts.
  
 She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine
 was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.
 
 She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that
 reads:
 "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."
 She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to
 screw for weeks, with no luck.
  
 She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young
 man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that
 they were right for each other.  They quickly ducked down an alley and
 began to screw like two teenagers.
 
 The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that
 she had to try it one more time.  She stood on the machine, put her last
 quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs.,
 You've Fiddled, You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've missed
 your bus...".
 

 "Men & Their Families"

An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking
about their families. The Englishman said, "I have four
kids at home and if I had another one I would have a
basketball team!"  "Well," said the American guy, "I have
ten kids at home and if I had another one I would
have a football team!"  "Well," said the Arabic guy,
I have seventeen wives at home and if I had another
one I would have a golf course."

 Bill Gates and GM
 

 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
 compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
 stated: 
      "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
      has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got  
      1000 miles to the gallon." 
       
      In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
      release stating: 
      If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
      be driving cars  with the following characteristics: 
       
      1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a
      day. 
       
      2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
      have to buy a new car. 
      
      3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
      reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 
      
      4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn,
      would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
      which case you would have to re-install the engine. 
      
      5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
      bought "Car95"  or  "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy
      more seats. 
      
      6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
      was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive,
      but would only run on five percent of the roads. 
      
      7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
      would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning      
      light. 
     
      8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
 
      9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going
      off. 
       
      10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would
      lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously 
      lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the      
      radio antenna. 
       
      11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
      set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even
      though they neither need them nor  want them. Attempting to delete this      
      option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish    
      by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for      
      investigation by the Justice Dept. 
      
      12. Everytime GM introduced a new model, car buyers would
      have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the  
      controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 
      
      13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. 
        
 Help Desk humor

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. 
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."


Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. 
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.


Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																																														  
something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"


Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."


Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons --
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to --"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"


Amazing...


All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over

nine months, develop into a complete female baby.