Update Date October 27, 2000

HONESTY

The farmer gathered his 6 sons around him and asked, "All right, which
one of you pushed the outhouse into the creek." When none of the boys
answered he said, "Now I want to tell you a story about being honest,
when George Washington was little he cut down his father's cherry tree
with an ax, and when his father asked him about it he told the truth
and his father was proud of him." After he finished the youngest boy
steppped forward and admitted to doing the crime. The father then took
a switch and whipped him soundly. While the boy was crying he said to
his father "I thought you said George Washington's father was proud of
him when he told the truth." Then his father said, "Son, George
Washington's father wasn't sitting in the tree when he chopped it
down."

MIRROR

One day a salesman came to a rednecks's house. He had never seen
a mirror before and found one in the salesman's bag. He picked it up
and said "look here is a picture of my father". The salesman didn't
tell him anything because he needed the money. The man bought the
mirror, but he hid it in his barn because his wife didn't like his
father. Every night when his wife was sleeping he would go look at his 
mirror. One night his wife saw him go into the barn. So the next night she
pretended she was sleeping and went into the barn after her husband
did. She too had never seen a mirror. She picked it up and said very
angrily "look my husband got a picture of one of his girl friends".

Then she said "man she is an ugly one".


Update Date October 28, 2000

THE DIFFERENCE

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
"Humpme Dumpme."

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

How many men does it take to put a new roll of toilet paper on the 
holder?
None, it's never happened.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What do men and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for
life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen
donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at a nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.


Update Date October 29, 2000

ONE MORE TIME

One day, Mr. Jones spoke to the minister of his church.
"Reverend,"  he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep
during your sermons.  It's very embarrassing.  What should I do?"

"I have an idea," the minister said.  "Take this hat pin with you.
I'll be able to tell when your wife is asleep and I'll motion to you
to give her a good poke in the leg."

The following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off during the sermon.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan into action.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, and nodded to
Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with
the pin.

"That's right, Mrs. Jones!" said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.  Again the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he cried out to the congregation,
again motioning to Mr. Jones.

"God!" Mrs. Jones yelled as she was again stuck with the pin.

"Right again!" said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off.  However, this time the
minister didn't notice.  As he picked up the tempo of his sermon,
he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his
wife with the hat pin again.

At that point, the minister cried, "And what did Eve say to Adam after
she bore him his 99th son?"

Mr. Jones poked his wife who yelled, "You stick that damn thing in me
one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.


Update Date October 30, 2000

GAS

The Washington State Department of Health is running radio 
ads which claim cigarette smoke contains methane, a noxious 
gas "which just happens to be the main ingredient in cow 
"GAS"..."

... So if you're out of cigarettes in a rural farm area, you 
know where to go if you need a drag...


STATIC

"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving.
"Don't you see that car is braking?"  Then she snapped,
"Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."

The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about
his loose wheel.  The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache,
was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. 
"Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.

"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."


Update Date October 31, 2000

DUCK FEED

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we
don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks,

"Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The
clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've
never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask
me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck feed?"


THE MAGICIAN

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows
each week and began to understand how the magician did every
trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the
show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the
ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This
went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"


Update Date November 1, 2000

HUH??????????

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee

asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
 
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and

nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

TIME

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard 
Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob 
inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent 
said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?"  Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and  watch that thing 
take off."


RED LIGHT

Two guys were riding down the street in a car. They come to a red
light. The driver runs the red light. The passenger cries out "Hey,
why did you do that?" The driver says, "Don't worry about it, my
brother does it all the time." They came to another red light, and the
same thing happens. The passenger is visibly upset and threatens to
get out of the car the next chance he gets. At the next light, which
is green, the driver slams on his brakes and comes to a screeching halt.
The passenger is confused and asks, "What the heck is wrong with
you? You ran two red lights but you stop at the green one." The
driver responds:"My brother might be coming from the other way!"



Update Date November 2, 2000

BLONDE

One day there was a blonde who
went to the store and when she
went back to her 67 convertable
she said oh shucks i've locked
my keys in the car.


BLONDE II

One day, two blondes were walking down the street. Just by
luck, one of the blondes see's a compact so she goes and picks
it up. Looking strangely into it, she says "Hey this person looks
familiar!"

"Let me see!" the other blonde hollers. "You stupid, of course
it looks familiar, it's me!"

BLONDE III

Once there was a blonde who walked into a store. The blonde says
to the clerk, "Can I buy this tv?"

The clerk says, "We don't allow blondes in the store." So the blonde
walks home and puts a wig on and goes back to the store.

"Can I buy this tv?" and the clerk says, "We don't allow blondes in
the store!"

So she goes back home and gets a total makeover and goes to the
store and says, "Can I buy this television?" the clerk says "NO! We
don't allow blondes in the store!"

The blonde asks "How did you know I was a blonde?"

"Because thats not a tv; its a microwave!"


BLONDE IV

Once there was a black guy, a Chinese guy, and a blonde guy
that went on a hunting trip. Well, one day the black guy came
back with a 9 point buck.

The other two asked him how he shot his deer and he said "Saw
the tracks followed the tracks shot my deer."

The next day the Chinese guy comes back with a 9 point and the
blonde guy asked him how he got his deer and the Chinese guy
said "Saw the tracks followed the tracks shot my deer."

Then the next day the blonde guy comes back with a full body cast
in a wheel chair. The black guy and the Chinese guy asked what
happened the blonde guy replied "Saw the tracks followed the tracks
got hit by a train!"


Update Date November 3, 2000
Submitted by Edgar S. of Harbor City, CA.

DRUNK

 A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat  down 
in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but  still the 
man said nothing.
The  priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final 
attempt to get  the man to speak.
Finally,  the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's 
no  paper in  this one either.

OR ELSE

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being  watched by 
a midget. Although the little fellow is  staring at him intently, the guy 
doesn't get  uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up 
next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close 
range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest  balls I have ever 
seen!" Surprised-and flattered-the man  thanks the midget and starts to 
move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says  the 
little fellow, but I wonder if you would mind if I  touched them." 
He obliges the request. The midget  reaches out, gets a tight grip
on the man's balls,  and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or 
I'll  jump!"


Update Date November 4, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

TIMES HAS CHANGED

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how
times have changed. The young man picks up on this
and starts talking about the various problems and
diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot
of problems with all these diseases when you were
young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."


HEARING PROBLEM

Todd was getting up in years and became hard of hearing.  He went to see 
the doctor about his difficulty.  The doctor asked him questions:

Doc:  Do you smoke?
Todd: Yes
Doc:  A lot??
Todd:  You bet..all day long...3 packs a day.
Doc:  Do you drink?
Todd:  Hell yeah.  Anytime I can get it, and that's most of the time.
Doc:  What about the ladies...are you still sexually active??
Todd:  Hell yeah, I don't pass up any chance to get it on with the ladies.
Doc:  Well, Todd, you'll just have to cut all that out.
Todd:  Just to hear better???  Hell no.


Update Date November 5, 2000

ANOTHER BLONDE STORY

Wembley Stadium if full to the rafters with blondes, It is national
"Prove blondes aren't stupid week." A man walks onto the stage
and asks for a blonde to come on stage and prove that blondes
aren't thick. A blonde called Michelle comes on stage. The man
says, "Michelle you are going to prove that you are just as clever
as brunettes and red heads. Here is your first question. What is
10+10?"

"er..er.. 30,"replies Michelle.

"oohhh, give her another chance" shout all of the blondes inside
Wembley.

"Okay, okay,"shouts the man on stage. "I'll give Michelle another
chance. Michelle, what is 5+5?"

"er..er.. 15," answers Michelle

"oohhh, give her another chance. Yeah give her another chance,"
shout all the blondes in the crowd.

"Alright, I'll give Michelle another chance," says the man,"Michelle
what is 2+2?"

"er..er..4," says Michelle

"oohhh, give her another chance, give her another chance," scream
all of the blondes.


Q AND A

Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?

A: Her way of not getting pregnant.


Update Date November 6, 2000

THE GROANER

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," 
and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking 
through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."


THE VISIT


"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to tell 
me
 very frankly what's wrong with me."  He surveyed her from head to foot.

"Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."

"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds."

"Second, you should use about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick."

"And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."



Update Date November 7, 2000

WELCOME

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told
this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter.  
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl
picked it up and began playing with it.  
'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my 
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'  
Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's.  May I take your order?"
 

I WAS

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would
reply, "I'm Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter.
"Her mother told her this was wrong, she must 
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."  
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and 
said,"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"  
She replied, "I thought I was,
but mother says I'm not."
 
SMOOTH ONE

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside
and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied,  "No, you can't play with the
boys, they're to rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments
and asked,  "If I can find a smooth one, can I play 
with him?"


Update Date November 8, 2000
Submitted by Janet M. of Long Beach, CA.

Quiet

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children,
as they were on the way to church service,  
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  
One bright little girl replied,  
"Because people are sleeping."
 

FOUND

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible
with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he 
turned them.  Then something fell out of the
Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. 
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed 
in between pages. 
"Momma, look what I found,"the boy called out.  
"What have you got there, dear?"  his mother asked.
With astonishment the boy replied, 
"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
 

Update Date November 9, 2000
Submitted by Janet M. of Long Beach, CA.

EASTER DRESS

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl
came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. 
As the children were sitting down around the
pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, 
"That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter dress?"  The girl replied almost
directly into the pastor's clip-on mic,  
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron"

HAIR

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands next to the barber chair, while 
her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your Twinkie.

"She says,  "Yes, I know.  I'm gonna get boobs too."


Update Date November 10, 2000
Submitted by Jeffrey J.

HILL BILLY HUMOR

What's the plural of Ya'all?    All-Ya'all

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed  away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?  She can't touch it
until she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama?  "Nice tooth."

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.  The 911 operators told Bubba
she would send someone out right away.  "Where do you live?" asked the
operator.  Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."  The operator
asked, "Can you spell that for me?"  There was a long pause and finally
Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her
up there?"

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the
front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the
front desk says, "go ahead."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?  There is dried chewing
tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee
to 32?  It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?  A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?  Two. One to eat and one
to watch for traffic.

Why did God invent Armadillos?  So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum
on the half shell.

Where was the toothbrush invented?  Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere
else it would have been called a teethbrush.

Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.  He says to the
driver, "Got any ID? "  The driver says "Bout what?"

Did you here about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?  The winner
gets $3 a year for a million years.

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?  Everyone has the
same DNA.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned
down?  Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in North Carolina.  When a couple gets
divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What's the best thing ever to come out of Arkansas?  I-40.

Two Mississippians are walking down different end of a street  toward
each
other, and one is carrying a sack.  When they meet, one says "Hey Tommy
Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"  "Jus' some chickens."  "If I guess how
many they are, can I have one?" Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you
both of them."  "OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five?"

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire.  He rushed next
door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My
house is on fire!"  "OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have them beg red trucks?"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

What do you have when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room? A full set
of teeth.


Update Date November 11, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

THINGS ONLY MARTHA STEWART WOULD KNOW

  1. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
  prevent ice cream drips.

  2. Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot
  griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

  3. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
  potatoes.

  4. To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the
water
  before hard-boiling.

  5. Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats
  in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

  6. To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room
  temperature and roll them under your palm against the
  kitchen counter before squeezing.

  7. To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop
  or two of dish soap and enough water to cover
  bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

  8. Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in
  tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

  9. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
  the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
  mess on the outside of the cake.

  10. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop
  in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
  instant "fix me up."

  11. Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and
it
  will keep for weeks.

  12. Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
  beautiful glossy finish.

  13. Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

  14. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring
out
  the corn's natural sweetness.

  15. To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool,
  salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface,
throw it away.

  16. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
  forehead. The throbbing will go away.

  17. Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for
  future use in casseroles and sauces.

  18. If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing
  gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

  19. Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub
  raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

  20. To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the
  area and you will experience instant relief.

  21. Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross
a
  chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on
  the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

  22. Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better
  still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

  23. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting
  to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter,
then
pull
  it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

  24. Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet.  Drop
in
  two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.  The
citric
acid
  and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

  25. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or
  cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

  26. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water
  and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

  27. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four
  Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if
necessary).

  28. Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer
  tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz
  White Vinegar - Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

  29. Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)
  information on to a friend or two.

  
Update Date November 12, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

COLLAR INSIDE OUT

An old man from a far-off land got on the subway in New York and sat
down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a
strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, sir,
but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The young man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because
I am a Father."

The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father,
but I wear my collar frontways. Why do you wear your collar so
differently?"

The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have
four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar
like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"

The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "Sir, I am the Father for
hundreds and hundreds of people."

The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up
to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said,
"Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards!!!"


MORTGAGE

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, We'd love to give you one, but the mortgage
on this house is $80,000 and so there's no way we can afford it".

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking
around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no means of
transportation.


Update Date November 13, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

BEANS

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always
had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans
was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she
figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she 
had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to
see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for
dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold
from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch
the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was
out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one
leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin
and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went
on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells
signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times 
with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it,
smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her
husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she
peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed
the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests
seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!


TOILET PAPER

What is the difference batween toilet paper and toast?

Toast comes up brown on both sides!!


Update Date November 14, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

RANCH HAND

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to
his devoted wife.  She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go
of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.  She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.  For weeks the two of them worked,
and the ranch was doing really well.  Then one day the rancher's wife
said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've
both done nothing but work for weeks.  The ranch looks great, and I'm
taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and
paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town.

The rancher's wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with friends, and
talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about
midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up
for him.  One o'clock and no hired hand yet.  Two o'clock and no hired
hand and she began to worry.

At two-thirty in came the hired hand.

The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by
her.

"Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell you,
right?"

"Well, yes," he answered.

"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

He did as she asked.

"Now take off my shoes."

He did.

"Now take off my stockings."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again he did as she asked.

"Now take off my panties."

And again he did what she told him.

Then she looked at him and said;

"Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."


WAYS

This legend, the truth of which is not necessarily related to its value, 
concerns a question in physic degree
exam at the University of Copenhagen: “ Describe how to determine the height 
of a skyscraper with a barometer.”

One student replied: “You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the 
barometer, then lower the barometer from
the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the 
length of the barometer will equal the
height of the building.”

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was 
failed immediately.

He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the 
university appointed an
independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer 
was indeed correct, but did not
display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him 
six minutes in which to provide a verbal
answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles 
of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. 
The arbiter reminded him that time was
running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely 
relevant answer, but couldn’t make up his
mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

“Firstly, you could take the barometer up the roof of the skyscraper, drop 
it over the edge, and measure the
time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can be worked 
out from the formula H = 0.5g x t
squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

“Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, 
then set it on end and measure the
length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s 
shadow, and thereafter it is simple matter
of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

“But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short 
piece of the string to the barometer and
swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the 
skyscraper. The height is worked out by
the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root ( l / g 
).

“Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier 
to walk up it and mark off the height
of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

“If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you 
could use the barometer to measure the
air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert 
the difference in millibars into feet
to give the height of the building.

“But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind 
and apply scientific methods,
undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to 
him ‘if you would like a nice new
barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this 
skyscraper’.”

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for 
Physics.


Update Date November 15, 2000

SUGGESTIONS TO MAKE CHURCH MORE INTERESTING

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If
not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the
stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A'
then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the
pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with
10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials,
design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the
way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest
room.

TOP REJECTED SLOGANS

Vice President Al Gore took his campaign to the "Late Show With 
David Letterman," reading off a "Top Ten" list of what he claimed 
were rejected slogans for his presidential campaign:

10: "Vote for Me or I'll Come to Your Home and Explain my 191-Page 
     Economic Plan to You in Excruciating Detail."

9: "Remember America, I Gave You the Internet, and I Can Take 
     It Away. Think About it."

8: "Your Vote Automatically Enters You in a Drawing for the $123 
     Billion Budget Surplus." 

7: "With Lieberman on the Ticket, You Get All Kinds of Fun New Days 
     Off. Vote For Us. We're Going to Work 24/6." 

6: "We Know When the Microphone is On."
 
5: "Vote for Me and I Will Take Whatever Steps Necessary to Outlaw 
     the Term 'Whazzzzup."' 

4: "Gore/Lieberman.No Need to Worry About Pork Barrel Politics." 

3: "You'll Thank Us in Four Years When the Escalator to the Moon 
     is Finished." 

2: "If I Can Handle Letterman, I Can Handle Saddam Hussein."

1: "I'll be Twice as Cool as That President Guy on 'The West Wing."' 


Update Date November 16, 2000

HANGING BASKETS
Submitted by JanetM of Long Beach, CA.

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her
date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. 
Her grandmother just pitches a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that! 
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. 
These are modern times. You gotta let your
rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes
downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The
teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends
coming over and that it is just not appropriate.. 
The grandmother says, "Loosen up,
Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I
can display my hanging baskets."

HUMAN lIGHT BULB

A Doctor of psychology is making his normal rounds one day and he
enters a patient's room.Patient #1 is pretending to saw a piece of
wood and Patient #2 is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The
doctor ask Patient #1 what he is doing and he answers," Can't you
see I am sawing some wood?"

Then the doctor asks Patient #1 what Patient #2 is doing. Patient #1
says," Oh, he is my friend and he is slightly crazy. He seems to think
he is a light bulb."

The doctor notices his face turning bright red and asks Patient #1,
" If he is your friend, don't you think you should get him down from
there before he hurts himself?"

Patient #1 looks up and says," What?!...And work in the dark?"


Update Date November 17, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

POLITICS

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and
nothing but what I think you need to know."

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They
should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

THREE WISE WOMEN

What would have happened if it had been three Wise
Women instead of three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a
casserole, and brought practical gifts.

But what would they have said when they left ...?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin?  I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish
back?"


Update Date November 18, 2000

TOP TEN AMISH SPRING BREAK ACTIVITIES

1.  Drink molasses 'til you heave

2.  Wet bonnet contest

3.  Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy

4.  Buttermilk keggar

5.  Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale

6.  Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"

7.  Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers

8.  Sleep 'til 6 AM

9.  Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear

10. Churn butter naked

GRENADE

Three men are flying in a plane. One has an idea to drop something and
watch it fall. He decides to drop a penny. They watched it fall until
it disappeared. A little while later, the second man, just finished
eating a banana, drops a banana peal. They watched it fall until it
disappeared. Now the third guy gets an idea and says, "I have a granade,
let's drop it!" So they watched it fall. Rrrrrrrrrrrr, BOOMB, it explodes!
After they land the plane, they decided to find out where everything
landed. So they started walking down the street and see a little girl
jumping up and down. They asked her why was she jumping. The little girl
replies, "God gave me a penny!" The guys laughed and continued walking
down the street. Next, they see a really mad boy. They asked him what's
wrong. They boy replied, "I think God hates me, he dropped a banana peal
on my head. " The guys laughed some more and continued walking down the
street. As they're walking down the street, one of the guys asked, "I
wonder where the granade landed." Then they came across a lady who was
cracking up with laughter. The guys asked her why was she laughing so
much. The lady replied, "I walked out of my house to go to my car.
Then farted and my house blew up.


Update Date November 19, 2000

THE LITTLE OLD LADY

A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to
Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and
asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"

The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."

After a little while she again queries him, "You're really Jewish,
aren't you?"

Again he responds, "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."

Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are
you sure you're not Jewish?"

To which in exasperation, and in a final effort to shut her up, he
replies, "Okay. Yes, ma'am, if it will make you happy, I am Jewish."

"Thats funny," she says, looking puzzled, "you don't look Jewish!"


HUNTIN HUMOR!!!

First Hunter (panting): "I just met a great big bear in the woods!"

Second Hunter: "Good! Did you give him both barrels?"

First Hunter: "Both barrels? I gave him the whole darn gun."


Update Date November 20, 2000

GIRLFRIENDPLUS 1.0 UPGRADE

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to
Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger: Wife1.0 has taken all his space
and it must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't
ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming
GirlFriend4.0...

A "Don't remind me again" button

Minimize button

Shutdown feature

An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

"Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed,
they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to
uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried
to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another
thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that
it is totally "object oriented" and only supports hardware with gold
plated
contacts.


BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
install, claiming insufficient resources.



Update Date November 21, 2000

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

At the Office...

I need to whip it out by 5 o'clock
Mind if I use your laptop?
Just stick it in my box
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!
HMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish
It's an entry-level position
When you do think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair...I do all the work while she just sits there!


On the Golf Course...

Nuts...my shaft is bent
After 18 holes I can barely walk
You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
Look at the size of his putter
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it
My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
Nice strokes, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first


Update Date November 22, 2000

SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE THAT...

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she
wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of
"Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where is
says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were
around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to
figure out that she could use it at night.

When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA,
she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice
because it said "Concentrate".

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? T
hey're too hard to re-train.

What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? 
A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't 
figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".

And the best one for last..........................

What did the blonde say when she looked into
the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds.


Update Date November 23, 2000

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!

MULDOON

Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with an
Irish setter he doted on.
The dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest. "Father, me dog is dead," he said.  
"Could you be saying a Mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have
services for an animal in the church, but there's 
a new denomination  down the road.  No telling what 
they believe.  Maybe they can be doin' something for ya."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now.  Do ya think a
couple o'thousand  is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick placed a hand on Muldoon's
forearm. "For God's sake man, 
why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

HUMOR-HOW MUCH ?

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so 
he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you 
take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."


ANIMAL NOISES

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. 
She was going around in turn asking them all questions. 

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?" 

"It goes moo, miss" 

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?" 

"It goes meow, miss" 

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" 

"It goes baaa, miss" 

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" 

"Errr.., it goes.. click!" 


Update Date November 24, 2000


PREDICTION

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a
terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He
became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind
of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for
a similar job. One blank on the job application called for
the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."


PULPIT HUMOR

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door
of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no
uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and
slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,
bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and
slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back
open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the
door, She reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a
lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you
need to move your cat."

MORE LIL' JOHNNY

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his
father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and
that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited
and asked his father if he would get to meet him.  His father thought
about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop
tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and
was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the
bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to
get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them
over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all
his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and
nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the
Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"


Update Date November 25, 2000


BIBLICAL HUMOR

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless 

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was 
in liquidation. 

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile 
and drew out a little prophet. 

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. 
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, 
because the apostles were all in one Accord. 

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no 
longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. 

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in 
the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. 

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. 


Update Date November 26, 2000

THE PSYCHIC

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly
departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice
begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins
moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you
there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for
you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"


RECRUITING

A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch
of raw recruits.

"I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you.  I 
take them out into the woods.  Then, at a given signal, I 
start them running.

Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards.  Those that run
into the trees are chosen as tackles."


Update Date November 27, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE*

AGE DRINK

17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 ménage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

* THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE *

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

SPORT

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET

17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy
the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast


Update Date November 28, 2000
Submitted by Lee B.

HEALING

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. 
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their 
television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part 
where they wanted to be healed. 

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right 
hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing 
her to have great pain. 

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his 
left hand on his crotch. 

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. 
The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead. 


CINDERELLA

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now 
dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go 
by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. 

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. 
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all 
these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have 
lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 
3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart  still yearns?" 

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful 
consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was 
wealthy beyond comprehension." 

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella 
was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered 
to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank 
you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. 
What does your heart wish for your second wish?" 
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was 
young and full of the beauty of youth again". 

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her 
beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her 
that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began 
to course through her very soul. 

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what 
shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and 
said "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and 
handsome young man". 

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his 
biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful 
the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds 
begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke 
"Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a 
blazing shock of bright blue electricity,she was gone. 

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's 
eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy 
she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in 
her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. 

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as 
whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret 
having my balls chopped off now, don't you?" 


Update Date November 29, 2000

BLONDE JOKES AGAIN

ENGLISH CHANNEL

A Blonde, A Brunette, and a redhead were getting ready to swim the
english channel using the breaststroke. They started swimming and the
Redhead got in first. The Brunette came in second by about 15 minutes,
and lastly came the Blonde, after about a few days. When the press
wanted to know what took her so long, she replied, "Umm... I don't
mean to be a party pooper, but they were using their arms."

TIGER BLOND

A Blonde calls up her friend and askes her if she can come over
and help her with this awesome puzzle she just got. Well, the
friend fugured "Hey, I'm pretty good at puzzles, so what have I
got to loose." The friend goes over to her Blonde friend's house
and tells her to take her to the puzzle. The Blonde takes her friend
into the kitchen and asks the Blonde what the puzzle was
supposed to be a picture of. The Blonde replied "a tiger". The
friend looks at the box the Blonde showed her. The friend said
"well, 2 things: #1, this puzzle will NEVER look like a tiger, and
#2, put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box."


ON THE ICE 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together,
she made for the nearest frozen pond.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice.

Suddenly --- from far above --- a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos
of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end
of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The
voice came once more, even louder:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"


Update Date November 30, 2000

LET'S GET POLITICAL

THE JOGGER AND THE HOOKER

One day our President Clinton was jogging near the White House.
As he passed a tree, a prostitute jumps out and tries to solicits him.
Bill asks, "How much?" The hooker tells him it will cost $100. Bill
says, "I'll give you $20" The prostitute refuses, and Bill jogs on.
The next day Bill is jogging again and encounters the same hooker at the
same tree. Again, the hooker wants $100, and Bill offers $20. The
hooker refuses, and Bill continues on his way. The next day Bill jogs
again, but runs into Hillary before he gets to the tree. Hillary asks
if she could jog with him, and Bill agrees. Suddenly Bill remembers that
a hooker propositioned him the last two times he passed the tree
quickly coming up. Nervously, Bill runs past the tree with Hillary at
his side. The hooker does not appear! Just as Bill breathes a sigh of
relief, he hears someone shouting from behind: "SEE WHAT YOU
GET FOR 20 BUCKS!!"


DEAD POLITICIANS

A bus full of politicians were going to a confrence in upstate New
York. On thier way, the bus driver loses control and the bus goes off a
cliff. The police found out that they were missing and sent out a search
party. They found the bus at the bottom of the cliff but there was nobody
in it or around it so they started asking people questions.

They showed up at a farmer's house and asked him if he saw anything?

He told them that he found them and burried them out back.

So the police asked," There wasn't anybody alive"

So the farmer replied," A couple of them said they were but you know
how politicians lie."


Update Date December 1, 2000

REDNECK JOKES

JC IN WEST VIGINIA

"Christmas in West Virginia"

Why wasn't Christ born in West Virginia?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.


REDNECK?

"original redneck jokes"

You might be a Redneck if:

-your local newsstation does a lead story on you as "the one that had
been shot the most times by friends and family on accident while
hunting and still survived.

-if you currently hold the title of "Town Champion" for your skills
and techniques in "cow-tipping."

- you still get a kick out of teaching "out-of-towners" the art of
"snipe-hunting."

- while hung over and milking cows, you accidently grabbed a bull's
balls.

-you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

-your idea of surfing includes a truck, an open highway, and lots of
drunk guys sporting two empty kegs.

-you think duct tape is the true "fabric of life."

-your favorite pick-up line is "Hey...You look like my sister!"

-you've ever been too drunk to fish.

-your dog passes gas...and you claim it.


Update Date December 2, 2000

CAPTAIN BRAVO
Submitted by Lee B.

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo.  He was 
a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his 
enemies.  One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout 
spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. 

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first 
mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while 
wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew 
into battle and defeated the pirates. 

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting 
the day's triumph.  One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why 
did you call for your red shirt before battle?" 

The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the 
shirt will not show my blood.  Thus, you men will continue 
to fight, unafraid." 

All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a 
manly man's man. 

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, 
not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared 
in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his 
usual orders. 

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada 
arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and 
calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"


Update Date December 3, 2000
Submitted by Lee B.

Proclamation from Buckingham Palace:

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF U.S.INDEPENDENCE 

To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now
been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without
he need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying
out task 1. We would not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is only one kind of football. What you refer
to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one
else plays "American" football. You will no longer
be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.
The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a
world outside your borders should count yourselves
lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
8th will be a new national holiday, but only in
England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
crap and it is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.



Update Date December 4, 2000

POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS

Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

Fat: Horizontally challenged.

Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

Spendthrift: Negative saver.

Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.

Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.

Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.

Fail: Achieve a deficiency.

Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

Bald: Follicularly challenged.

Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.

Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.

Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.

Worst: Least best.

Wrong: Differently logical.

Ugly: Cosmetically different.

Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

Short: Vertically challenged.

Dead: Living impaired.

Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically 
gifted individual.

Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector
funding.


Update Date December 5, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

AGING

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time,
you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're
seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives,
then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every
morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"


CHECK-UP

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination
whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age.. but
tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out
to the reception room and said:

"Morris do we still have intercourse?"

Morris answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a
thousand times... We have Blue Cross!!"


Update Date December 6, 2000


MAGIC DOOR

A farmer took his wife and young son into to the big city shopping one
Saturday. As they approached town, they were astonished by the sky
scrapers. The farmer never having been to the big city himself decided
to let the wife out at the local mall while he and the son did some
sight- seeing. They entered a large building with an enormous lobby. The
son noticed this door on the wall and ask his father what it was for, the
farmer not knowing decided to get closer for better observation. A few
minutes later a old lady with a cane comes over and presses a button
located near the door, the door opens and the old lady enters a small
room. The door proceeds to close and the farmer and son stand there
amazed as lights blink over the door when all of a sudden the door
opens and a very beautiful young lady exits. Astonished, the farmer
looks at his son while scratching his head, and say's " son, I don't
know what just happened, but run fast and fetch your mother.



COW FROM IOWA

There was this farmer from Minnesota, and he is going to Iowa to buy
a cow on a sale. He gets to Iowa and buys the nicest looking cow
there, takes it home, and milks it, he grabs ahold of the teats and the
cow farts. The farmer thinks to himself oh what the, and he grabs ahold 
again, and the cow farts again, at this time the farmers neighbor walks in 
and asks if he can milk it? The farmer replies with a yes, and the neighbor
grabs ahold, and the cow farts again. The neighbor looked at the farmer,
and asked him if he had bought the cow in Iowa? The farmer said yeah,
but I never told you that. The neighbor said you did not have to cause
my wife is from Iowa.


Update Date December 7, 2000
Submitted by Lee B.

HUSBAND'S QOUTES

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 
*********************
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt 
her. 
*********************
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and 
suffering. 
*********************
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, 
"Dust!" 
*********************
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man 
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has 
rested. 
*********************
Why do men die before their wives? They want to. 
*********************
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and 
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, 
"I wish I had your will power." 
*********************
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. 
*********************
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man 
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? 
Dad: That happens in every country, son. 
*********************
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he 
received a hundred letters. 
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 
*********************
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to 
forget it once. 
*********************
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 
*********************
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done 
for free. 
*********************
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life 
thinking they had no faults at all. 
*********************
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every 
word you say, talk in your sleep. 
*********************
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was 
until I got married; and then it was too late." 
*********************
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get 
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." 


11TH COMMANDMENT

Oh, goodness...... had to take advantage of this
one.... one of my last chances to run a Clinton joke.....

Last week, God, Jesus, the Pope, Billy Graham, Moses and
the angel Gabriel, had a very important meeting. They
were troubled by the President of the United States'
inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable
course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to
get their message across to him.

The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment
so that it equaled the other commandments in style and holy
inspiration.After great meditation and discussion, they
concluded that Number 11 should read:

  "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff..."
  
  
Update Date December 8, 2000

WASHINGTON D.C. BRAS
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

A woman walked into a lingerie shop in Washington D.C. and said 
she needed to buy a bra.

"Certainly, Miss," said the salesperson. "We stock three kinds: a 
Democratic bra, a Republican bra, and a Liberal bra. I'm sure one 
will suit your needs."

"I never heard of those kinds," said the confused customer. "What's 
the difference?"

The sales clerk explained, "The Democratic bra supports the fallen 
and uplifts the masses. The Republican bra makes mountains out of 
molehills. And if you buy a Liberal bra, your cups runneth over."

COME AGAIN
Submitted by Lee B.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.  They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:
"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Den two asses come together.  
I come once-a-more.  Two asses, they come together again. 
I come again and pee twice.  Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly.  
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  "Who talkin' abouta sexa?  
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."


Update Date December 9, 2000

Late Thanksgiving jokes:

JOIN US FOR THANKSGIVING 

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving.  I'm telling you in advance, so don't
act surprised.  Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've
made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper
bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that
no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch
sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall
is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and
fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've
gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having
them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front 
yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive
linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets.  If possible,
we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a
fork.

Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using
the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins
from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit
and flowers that I promised.  Instead we will be
displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted
from the finest construction paper.  The artist
assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late.  The children will
entertain you while you wait.  I'm sure they will be
happy to share every choice comment I have made
regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey
hotline.  Please remember that most of these comments
were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the
turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will
play a recording of tribal drumming.  If the children
should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously
like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.
They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell
to announce the start of our feast.  In the end, we
chose to keep our traditional method.  We've also
decided against a formal seating arrangement.  When
the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table
and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to
sit at a separate table.  In a separate room.  Next
door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person
carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
onlookers.  This will not be happening at our dinner.
For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a
private ceremony.  I stress "private" meaning: Do not,
under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at
me.  Do not send small, unsuspecting children to
check on my progress.  I have an electric knife.  The
turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
eventually win.  When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my
young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football
play.  Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the
head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration
of the meal, and especially while in the presence of
young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.  If a young diner
questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese
Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of
offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious
desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin
pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints.  You will still have a choice;
take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving.  She probably won't come next year
either.

I am thankful.


THANKSGIVING FORECAST 

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon 
high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother 
the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. 

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will 
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches 
on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry 
sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. 

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire 
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, 
the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a 
low of 34F in the refrigerator. 

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches 
will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days 
with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect 
a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure 

will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. 


Update Date December 10, 2000

SELF DEFENSE

Paul was not the brightest guy around.  Every day, when he walked 
home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they 
would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk 
a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this 
wouldn't happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.

So, one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided 
to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked 
up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black 
eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.

"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so 
I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."

His instructor said, "What happened?"

Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and 
shoes off!"

TRAVEL PARTNERS

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady 
and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the 
posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. 
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple 
looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your 
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am 
sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I 
won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. 
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"


Update Date December 11, 2000

NEWS INTERVIEW

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street
interviews about the Presidential election. "I' did not
vote for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I
don't know any of them and I don't trust them."

"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I
DO know them ."


DAFFYNATIONS

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a  mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together
kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag
was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the 
Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those,
like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a
government official


Update Date December 12, 2000

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS


1.Never take a beer to a job interview.

2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4.If you have to vacuume the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5.Evenif you are certain you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.



REDNECK'S VASECTOMY

One day a redneck and his wife living in Alabama decided that
after having their eleventh child, they couldnt afford a larger
doublewide trailer so the husband needed to have a vasectomy.
He went to the town doctor and he told the redneck to light a
cherry bomb, place it in a beer bottle and to place it next to his
ear and count to ten. The redneck thinks they doctor is crazy so
he goes to Georgia to ask a doctor there. He gets to Georgia and
the doctor begins to explain the process until he found out he was
from Alabama and then proceeded to tell him the same thing. The
Redneck figures they both cant be wrong. He goes home, lights a
cherry bomb and places it in a beer can. He hold it up to his ear
and begins to count on one hand, 1...2...3...4...5..., he pauses and
places it between his legs while he begins to count on the other hand,
6...7...


Update Date December 13, 2000

11 THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW
(definitely read Number 11)
         
 	 
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were
secured on  bed frames by ropes. When you pulled
on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on.
  That's where the phrase, "goodnight,
sleep tight" came from.
         
2. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps
over the lazy dog." Uses every letter in the
alphabet.(developed by Western Union to test
telex/twx communications.)
         
3. The Main Library at Indiana
University sinks over an inch every year because when it
was built, engineers failed to take into
account the weight of all the books that would occupy
the building.
         
4. The term "the whole 9 yards" came
from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When
arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50
caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27
feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the
pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the
whole 9 yards."
         
5. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived
from an old English law which stated that
you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than
your thumb.
         
6. The name Jeep came from the
abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose"
vehicle, GP.
         
7. The first toilet ever seen on
television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
         
8. It was the accepted practice in Babylon
4,000 years ago that for a month after
the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar
based, this period was called the "honey month" or
what we know today as the "honeymoon."
         
9. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints
and quarts. So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

10. Many years ago in England, pub
frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet
your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this
practice.
         
And last but not least .
         
11. In ancient England a person could
not have sex  unless you had consent of the King
(unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone
wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King & the
King gave them a placard that they hung on their
door while they were having sex. The placard had
F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it.
Now you know where that came from.
         
Don't you feel smarter???


Update Date December 14, 2000

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE KIDS?

How to tell whether or not you are ready to have children:

1) The Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. 
Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. 
Cover the stains with crayons.  Place a fish stick behind the 
couch and leave it there all summer.

2) The Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos 
are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) 
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put 
on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. 
(This could wake a child at night.)

3) The Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals 
(goats are best)and take them with you as you shop at the 
grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything 
they eat or damage.

4) The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. 
Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

5) The Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill 
halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. 
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal 
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, 
while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents
of the jug on the floor.

6) The Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and 
fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. 
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. 
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, 
pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 A.M. Set 
alarm for 5:00 A.M. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up 
for 5 years. Look cheerful.

7) The Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and 
attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 
months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

8) The Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set 
your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed 
to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and 
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. 
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last 
time.

9) The Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small 
child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, 
tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways 
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their 
children to run riot. Enjoy this 
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the 
answers.


INTO THE DOG HOUSE

It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police 
van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, 
his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy 
staring in at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," he replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the 
back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


Update Date December 15, 2000


A MILLION WHAT?

A man sitting at the bar pulls from his pocket a box, and out 
of the box he takes a small piano, bench and little man who 
promptly sits and begins to play. 

The bar-tender demands," you gotta tell me where you got that" 
"buy me a shot, and I'll show ya", says the guy. "done!!",the 
bar-tender replies. 

The man then takes from his coat a magic lamp. "is that what I 
think it is , you have got to let me give it a try", exclaims 
the bar-tender. 

"Give me another shot of whiskey and you got a deal". 

Waiting for this moment his entire life the bar-tender begins 
to rub the lamp. WHOOOSH!!! out pops a Genie. I'll grant you one 
wish says the Genii. "I have waited for this my whole life, I 
know just what I want, I want A Million bucks!!!" says the 
bar-tender. 

Your wish is granted....POOOFF!!the Genie was gone. A few minutes 
pass and there is a huge rumble outside the bar. Suddenly the 
doors fly open and in comes these ducks, there are Mallards 
everywhere, on the bar on the floor, everywhere!! 

Pissed now the bar-tender screams," I said a Million Bucks, 
not a Million Ducks!!!" 

The man says you think I asked for a ten inch Pianist?

NOW

A woman with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach crying and 
a man comes by and asks why are you crying? The woman says "Nobody's 
ever loved me before." The man says "ok I love you" 

He starts to walk away and the woman begins to cry again. The man 
turns around and asks now why are you crying? the woman says 
nobody's ever kissed me before. The man says ok, so he picks her up 
and kisses her. 

So the man starts to walk again and the woman starts crying. So 
quickly the man turns around and says "Why are you crying!" The 
woman says nobody's ever screwed me before. So the man picks her up, 
throws her in the water and says "Now your screwed!"


Update Date December 16, 2000

BLANKET

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with
him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak,
she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr.
Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He
says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for
a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get your
own damn blanket."


THANKS

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with
him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the
peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving,
his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She
says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off
'em."


Update Date December 17, 2000

FEEL

As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up
frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on
this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands
up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".


LAST REQUEST


A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the
switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any
last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do
(hic) could you please do something to scare me?"


Update Date December 18, 2000

BREAKFAST

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law 
declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. 
But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope 
I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.


NEXT LOVE

Adam is a young single man and attends a family wedding.

At the wedding he meets relatives that he hasn't seen for 
years. One of his elderly Aunties, Aunt Betty, walks over 
to him and gives him a hug and says, "You'll be next my love."

Four years pass by and another family wedding occurs. The 
same Auntie says to him, "You'll be next my love."

By this time Adam is getting quite annoyed by his Aunt Betty's
words, as he doesn't want to get married. He really wants to
come up with some sort of response.

Five years pass on, and this time one of his Uncles has died. 
He attends his funeral and sees Aunt Betty standing talking 
to other relations. He walks up to her and says, "You'll be 
next my love."


Update Date December 19, 2000

 REAL BEANS

This one boy's mother asked him to go to the store and buy 
some beans for dinner. 

So, the boy went to the store and he saw some kids playing 
with marbles. So,the boy asked the kids if he could buy the 
marbles for a dollar, and the boys said,"ok! "So the boy went 
home and noticed that he was supposed to buy beans so the 
boy went into the garage and painted the marbles green. 

Then, went into the kitchen and gave the marbles to his mom. 
After dinner the boy went up to his room and his mom came into 
his room and asked, "Son, were those real beans because your 
dad just farted and killed the cat.


BLONDIE

Why does a blond need a triangle coffin? 

Because everytime their head hits a pillow, their legs spread.

 YO MOMMA

Yo mamma's so fat . . . 

She pulled her panties down to her ankles and she still had 
butt in them!



Update Date December 20, 2000
Submittted by Lee B.

FIRST GRADE

A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in 
her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the 
remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.


Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning
Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents
Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box
Better late than . . . pregnant

MEN

1. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them
are the do-it-yourself types.

2. The best reason to divorce a man is a health
reason: you've gotten sick of him.

3. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at
home. He probably lies about other things too.

4. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff
she asked her husband to do.

5. If you want a nice man, go for a bald one --
they try harder.

6. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they
never mature anyway.

7. There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men -- don't and "stop" (but not used
together).

8. Men are all the same -- they just have different
faces so you can tell them apart.

9. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good
husband, you will usually find that he is.

10. Scientists have just discovered something that
can do the work of five men -- a woman.

11. There are a lot of words you can use to
describe men-strong, caring, loving -- they'd be
wrong but you could still use them!

12. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and
potentially violent but they make great pets!

13. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not
enough cells per man.

14. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if
they're someone else's.


Update Date December 21, 2000

LOOKING GOOD

A woman is sitting at a bar having a few drinks. The bartender 
notices that the woman takes a drink then looks in her purse, 
she takes another drink then looks in the purse. After a while 
the bartender goes over and asks what is so important that she 
continues to look inside her purse after every drink. The woman 
replies, "I have a picture of my husband inside my purse. When 
he looks good I'm going to go home."

BECAUSE

Mom with a daughter in the 3rd grade!! 
Daughter: Mom i solved the puzzle at school.Is it because I am 
blonde?? 
Mom: No honey..its because you are smart! 

Daughter: Mom i won the race at school today.Is it because I am 
a blonde?? 
Mom: No honey,its because you are fast. 

Daughter:Mom I am the tallest in class. Is it because I am a 
blonde?? 
Mom: No honey its because you are 29 years old!!!!



Update Date December 22, 2000

THE TEST

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background 
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... 

Two men and a woman. 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large 
metal door and handed him a gun. 

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what 
the circumstances. 

In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. 
Kill Her!!!" 

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." 

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and 
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the 
man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my 
wife." 

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and 
go home." 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions 
to kill her husband. 

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot 
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. 

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there 
stood the woman. 

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with 
blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


BULB

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Who cares the women can cook in the dark!


Update Date December 23, 2000


WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

A women awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband 
not in bed. Thinking he must be in the bathroom she rolled 
over and went back to sleep. She awoke a short time later to 
find him still gone. 

Deciding this was a bit strange she got up to see if she could 
find him. She looked in the bathroom but he wasn't there. She 
went down stairs and looked around but could not find him. As 
she was passing the basement door she heard a noise. She went 
into the basement and heard a sobbing noise coming from a 
corner. 

When she approached the corner she could see her husband on the 
floor in the fetal position crying. "what's wrong honey?" she 
asked. "You wouldn't understand he cried, this is the worst day 
of my life" he said. "Why, what is it, you can tell me" she said. 
"Oh, do you remember when we were 16 and I got you pregnant" he 
sobbed. "Yes, of course" "and do you remember we went and told 
your dad, and he said I either had to marry you or go to jail" 
"well yes" she said. "I would have gotten out today!!!!!!" 
he cried. 

WHAT

What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde? 
A naked blonde doing cartwheels.


Update Date December 24, 2000

AUDIO BREATHING

A blonde walked into a salon. 

She asked to get her hair cut. But she said to the hair 
dresser, whatever you do, don`t take off my headphones. 

The hair dresser took off the blonde`s headphones and 
the blonde died. 

The hair dresser put on the headphones on to see what she 
had been listening to. 

She heard,"Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe 
out"

HOW TO KNOW A BLONDE

A brunette was jumping on railroad tracks saying "21,21,
21,21..." when a blonde walked up and thought it was fun 
so she started doing it. 

About a hlf hour went by and train comes, the brunette 
jumps off but the blonde stays on. BAM!!! When the train 
was totally passed the brunette started jumping on it 
again saying " 22,22,22,22..."


CHANGING RELIGION

On day Mother Superior came into the class to see how all 
of the children were doing. 

One of the things she asked the children was what they would 
like to be when they grew up. 

One child said that he would like to be a doctor.

Another said that she wanted to be a lawyer. 

Mother Superior praised all of the answers as she went around 
the room. She came to one girl and asked her what she wanted 
to be when she grew up. The young girl replied, “I want to be 
a prostitute.” 

Mother Superior quickly fainted, and fell to the ground. 

When she came around she asked the girl again what she wanted 
to be. The girl gave the same reply. 

Mother Superior then said, “Thank God. I thought you said you 
wanted to become a protestant. 


Update Date December 25, 2000


Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. 

Satan said, "you have three choices on how to spend eternity,
and they are behind these three doors". 

The first room was Al Gore tied up by the arms getting dunked 
in a pool of sewage. 

The second room was Janet Reno tied by the arms and legs getting 
stretched out. 

The third room was Ken Star bound to the wall and Monica was on 
her knees giving him head, Bill immediately said "this is how I 
want to spend eternity". 

Satan then said "hey Monica,your replacement is here 


BLONDIE.............

Q.What is the diffrerence between a Blonde and Taxi cab? 

A.You have to pay for the taxi!!!!


YO MAMA

yo mama so ugly...

She walked into a haunted house and came out with an 
application form.


Update Date December 26, 2000

THEY'RE NOT CRAZY

A man was driving down a dirt road in the country suddenly 
his car breaks down. 

The guy steps out of his car and looks around and sees a 
farm. The guy hikes up to the house and just before he knocks 
on door he realizes that for all he knows these people could 
be crazy, so he looks in the window and there sits this old 
lady squeezing her tit and right in front of her sits this 
old guys masterbating holding an unbrella. 

Well this guys thinking man these people are nuts so he hikes 
up the road and sees another farm. 

He's just about ready to knock on the door when he again realizes 
that these people could be nuts to so he decides to look in the 
window. 

He does and he see's some kid's playing and a guy watching tv. 

Thinking they look like a normal family, he knocks on the door.

They answer and the guy asked if he can use there phone and goes 
on to tell him why. The owner of the house asks why he didn't 
stop at the first house. 

The guy say's those people are crazy! This old lady was squeezeing 
her tit and this old guy was masterbating holding an umbrella. 

The owner of the house say's oh no there not crazy there deaf! 
The old lady was saying go milk the cows and the old guy was 
saying screw you it's raining.


BILLY

Its Winter, near the end of his last term, and poor Bill's 
depressed. 

His ratings have been going down, congress isn't passing his 
legislation, and Hillary has cut him off. 

To relieve the depression he decides to go for a jog on the 
White House grounds. 

While jogging along with one of his aides, he notices that 
someone took a leak in the snow and wrote the message "Bill 
sucks". 

Now he goes ballistic and says to his aide "Nobody can get 
away with something like this here at the White House! Find 
out who did this. The next day the aide sheepishly comes in 
the Oval Office. "What did you find out?" Clinton asks. "Good 
news and bad news, sir", the aide replies. "The good news is 
that we know who did it,it was Jesse Jackson." "That doesn't 
surprise me", says Bill. "He and I have never been the best 
of friends. 

Now whats the bad news?" The nervous aide says "Well sir, 
the handwriting is Hillarys." 

I CAN FLY

Why did the Blonde jump off the cliff? 
She thought her Maxi-pad hand wings.


Update Date December 27, 2000

STUDY TIME

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first
examination. 

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: 
"Is this a question?" - Discuss. 

After a short time he wrote: 
"If that is a question, then this is an answer." 

The student received an "A" on the exam. 


MISTLETOES

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a 
bunch of mistletoe hangin above the luggage check-in
center...

Turning to the attendant he asked, "Ok, I give up. 
Why is the mistletoe there above the luggage scale?"

"So you can kiss your luggage goodbye."


Q AND A

Those Blondes & Turtles

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? 

A. Once there on their backs their screwed.

Redneck Circumcision

Q. How do you circumsize a red neck?

A. You kick his sister in the jaw.


Update Date December 28, 2000

CIRCUS ELEPHANT

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; 
I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd 
never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. 
So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person 
to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground 
would get $50,000. 

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant 
to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. 
He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, 
swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. 
Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out 
the $50,000. 

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover 
the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an 
elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same 
deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people 
try and fail. 

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out 
his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" 

The elephant nods yes. 

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this 
again?" 

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no... 

BILLY

Two male golfers are standing on the 10th tee. Bill takes about 
20 practice swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes 
his stance just as much. 

"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven's sake. We don't 
have all day!" says Jim. 

"Hold on a minute, I gotta do this right. See the woman standing 
up there on the clubhouse porch? That's my wife and I would like 
to get off the perfect shot," replied Bill. 

Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill's wife. He says, 
"You must be kidding. You couldn't hit her from here."

I CAN FLY

A bear and a rabbit and taking a dump in the woods, the bear turns 
to the rabbit and asks "Do you have problems with crap sticking to 
your fur?" 

"No" replies the rabbit. 

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.


Update Date December 29, 2000

SPECIAL LICENSE

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road
at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side
of the road. When she had stopped, the officer
asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that
allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never
heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed
him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I
suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here
that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it
says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."


GOOD VS. EVIL

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her
faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would
go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain’t no Lord!"

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor
decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and
placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the
groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, 
"I brought those groceries, and there ain’t no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you
made the devil pay for it."


Update Date December 30, 2000

FREUDIAN SLIP

Tom went to work Monday morning. When he arrived at the office 
his work mates were all laughing. 

"What’s the joke?" asked Tom "Pete just made a really funny 
Freudian slip in the canteen" he was told. 

"What’s a Freudian slip?" Tom asked. "Its when you say what your 
thinking not what you wanted to say" his work mates explained. 

"What did he say?" asked Tom "He was talking to Liz and was meant 
to say nice tea but he actually said nice boobs" 

They all laughed. 

The next day Tom came into work and went into the office. When he 
arrived he said to his mates, "You wouldn’t believe it but I made 
one of the Freudian slips this morning while I was talking to my 
wife" 

"What did you say?" asked his mates 

"Well I was meant to say 'could you pass me the salt please' but 
what I actually said was you’ve ruined my life you fat witch!" 


ROLE MODEL

There were two secretaries that worked at this very large company. 
They didn't know one another very well, but were friendly at work.

It was vacation time and they stood before the vacation schedule 
to see when they had time off. They noticed that their vacation 
days were the same. 

Both were single, so after discussing their plans, they decided 
they could save money on a trip by going together. 

They chose an exotic island getaway and on the way there, they soon 
discovered all they had in common. After a long flight, they checked 
into their single bed room and decided to call it a night. 

As they laid in bed, the one girl leaned close to the other, placed 
her arm around her seductively and said "I really need to tell you 
something and I'm going to be frank.." Suddenly, the other girl 
raised up and said, "NO, I want to be Frank!".

FIRESTONE 

What does firestone tires and my ex-wife have in common? 
They only blow 80 of 6.5 million times!


Update Date December 31, 2000

BLONDS AND BRUNETTES

Q. Whats dumber than 2 brunettes building a house under 
the ocean? 

A. 2 blondes trying to burn it down!


Q. Why did the blonde go up to the roof during the party? 

A. She heard drinks were on the house.


 You might be a redneck if... 

You might be a redneck if... 

You've been married 3 times and still have the same inlaws.


Update Date January 1, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

JACK AND BOB

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's 
mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got 
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled up to a nearby farmhouse and asked 
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 
"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge 
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained, and I'm afraid 
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." 
"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and 
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." 
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and 
settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they 
got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. 

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an 
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally 
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski 
weekend. 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember 
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up 
North?" "Yes, I do." 

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the 
house and have sex with her?" 

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I 
have to admit that I did." 

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your 
name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I 
did. Why do you ask?" 

"She just died and left me everything." 

And you thought the ending would be different--- didn't you? 

BUMPER STICKERS

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
All generalizations are false.
All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Assassins do it from behind!
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death
BRIGGS-STRATTON RACING TEAM
CAUTION: DRIVER EMITS DEADLY GAS'
Caution: I drive like you do.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my
name from your mailing list.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Don't adjust your mind, the fault is with reality.
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking
Don't Steal....The Government hates Competition.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
DRIVE LIKE HELL; YOU'LL GET THERE
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!
E. coli Happens
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Eschew obfuscation.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Facility.
Few women admit their age, Few men act it!
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..
FOLLOW ME FOR GREAT FAST-FOOD VALUES
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale:  Ex-Wife----Take over payments !Forget about World
Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
FREE TIBET - HALFPRICE MONGOLIA
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Got kleptomania? Take something for it.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
He who hesitates is not only lost - but miles from the next exit.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Horn broken, watch for finger.
Honk if anything falls off.
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I BRAKE FOR LAWYERS
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I is a college student.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
I may be slow...... but I'm ahead of you!
I refuse to have a battle of wits - with an unarmed person.
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
i souport publik edekasion
I think - therefore I don't listen to Dan Rather.
I think you left the stove on.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather ...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
If you are psychic - think HONK.
If you can't feed em, Don't breed em
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalks
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR FREE HELP
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
I'm Changing Lanes - Dare To Think For Yourself
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Lord save me from your followers.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Men call us birds, we pick up worms.
Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open.
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
My child was Inmate of the month, at the California Youth Correctional
My kid beat up your honor student!
My other car is a piece of junk too.
MY OTHER CAR IS EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING
No Radio - Already Stolen
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
Nuke the gay unborn whales for Jesus!
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
PROCRASTINATION ASSOCIATION OF TOMORROW
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
REHAB is for quitters
SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver
Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Seen on a woman's car: Men call us birds, we pick up worms
Seen on an old, beat-up car: This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
So many cats, so few recipes.
So many stupid people... so few comets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
ell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The Earth is full - go home.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
This car is constipated, it can't pass anything.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Tow-ers will be violated
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA-HEY!!! THAT'S MY CAR!!!
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? 
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Women are born leaders...you're following one now!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
WORK IS THE CURSE OF THE DRINKING CLASS
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

Published December 28th, 2000


Update Date January 2, 2001

MEMORY TEST
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to
the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three
times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times
three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"


ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SNOWMAN

* It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
* Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
* Wearing white is always appropriate.
* Winter is the best of the four seasons.
* It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
* There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
* The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
* It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
* We're all made up of mostly water.
* You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
* Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
* Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
* It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
* It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
* Always put your best foot forward.
* There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.


Update Date January 3, 2001

THE BARN

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas late
one night and are forced to stop at a farm house to ask to spend the
night. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and so one
person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, "I'm a humble man, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes
out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the
door. It's the Hindu and he says, "Sorry to trouble you, but there's a
cow in the barn and it's against my beliefs to sleep in the same
building with a cow."

So the rabbi says, "I'm also a humble man, so I'll sleep in the barn."
A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and
it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where
there's a pig.

So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later,
there's a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.


NEW IN TOWN

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was 
anxious to make a good impression.  But the neighbors 
seemed cold and made no overtures of  welcome.  The mother 
of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son 
ran in and annouced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the 
street asked my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically.  
"And then what did she do?"
   
"Then she gave it to the policeman."  the boy said.


Update Date January 4, 2001

SANTA CLAUS SUBPOENAED

It is rumored Al Gore has subpoenaed Santa Claus over 
some "irregularities" found on Christmas list handling 
procedures.

After the Florida Supreme Court ordered a 3rd election 
recount, Gore allegedly said "checking a list, and checking 
it twice" cannot possibly discern the true wishes of 
the children.

And the part about "who has been naughty, and who has been 
nice" is clearly a value judgment that does not take into 
account the circumstance surrounding said malfeasance.

Santa's list was obtained under the "Freedom of Information 
Act" and immediately a DNC boiler room call center was 
alerted to call all children to see if items listed on 
Santa's list were, in fact, true desired intent of the kids.

Several indicated they had intended to ask for Sony Playstations, 
and instead had checked off Nintendo 64. Many of the children 
were emotionally distraught and felt the entire Christmas 
letter writing experience was outdated and "hard to understand".

In reviewing the postmarks on Christmas letters, it was 
found by Democrat Canvassing officials that certain letters, 
particularly those requesting "G.I. Joe" dolls were not 
properly postmarked. Those letters (obviously from Republican children) 
were thrown out.

Democrat officials have asked that all Palm Beach, Broward, 
and Dade County children be contacted in person and have 
their requests reviewed for accuracy.

Santa Claus indicated there was not possibly enough time 
to get to each child by Dec. 25.

The Florida Supreme court is now considering postponement 
of Christmas until Dec.30th, to allow for a "full and accurate" 
list to be compiled.


JUST IN 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while
both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
each year(the only members of  the deer family, Cervidae, to
have females do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the
beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers til after they give
birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen........had to be a girl.


Update Date January 5, 2001

A LITTLE ASSISTANCE

A young couple is out driving one evening. 

While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If 
I go 100 mph, will you take off all of your clothes?" 

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer 
hits 100 she starts to strip. 

When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her 
that he drives off the road and flips the car. 

The girls is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and 
her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "GO GET HELP." he pleads. 

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that 
was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and GO 
GET HELP!" 

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station 
down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the 
attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" 

The attendant look down at the shoe covering her and replies, 
"I'm sorry miss, He's too far in."


THAT WILL TEACH HIM

A man and his wife was pulled over by the police 

Man: Whats the problem officer? 

Officer: You were going 65 in a 55 mile an hour zone. 

Man: No officer I was only going 60 

Wife: OH fred you were going 85(man gives woman a dirty look) 

Officer: I am also going to have to give you a ticket for that 
broken tail light. 

Man: I didn't know I had a broken tail light! 

Wife: Oh fred you ahve known abou that tail light for weeks 

Officer: I will also have to give a a citaion for not wearing 
your seatbelt. 

Man: Oh I took it off as soon as you came up to the car 

Wife: Oh fred you never wear your seatbelt! 

Man turns to wife and says: Shut your damn mouth! 

Officer asks wife: Does your husbund always take to you like 
this? 

Wife: Oh no officer only when he's drunk.


LAWYERS

What do you call 2000 lawyers on a sinking ship?? 

A good start.


Update Date January 6, 2001

SMELL OF SUCCESS

For years one gift I could count on when my kids 
were young was a bottle or two of "English Leather" 
after-shave lotion.  

I thought for a while they liked the smell.  

Then it dawned on me... the stuff had an aroma 
just like my wallet.


HOT CONVERSATION

There was a blonde who walked into the doctors office with 
two red ears he asked her "what happened to your ears"? 

She said I was ironing and the phone rang but I accidentally 
picked up the iron instead of the phone. 

Then he asked"then what happened to the other ear" she said 
"they called back"


REDNECK

How do you spot a redneck at Sea World? 

He's the one with the fishing pole.


BMW's

Tiger Woods is driving his new BMW through Ireland when he 
stops for gas. He meets an old irish man and they exchange 
plesantres. 

As Tiger bends to get the nozel two tees fall from his pocket 
looking the old irishman says "and what would those be for"? 
replying Tiger says"they hold my balls while I drive" 

Astonished, the old man says "those boys at BMW think of 
everything".


Update Date January 7, 2001

CLOSER TO GOD

There once was this 80 yr. old guy named George. He went 
to his doctor one day and had a complete physical. "Well 
George," said his doctor, "physically you're doing great. 
You're fit and your heart is in good condition. But how 
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Do you have a good 
relationship with God?" "I'm doing great. My wife, Edna, 
and I have a wonderful relationship and I'm really happy." 
George replied. "And do you have any spirtual life?" "Oh 
yeah! Me and God are tight! We have a good relationship. 
See, he knows I'm getting on in years and that my vision 
isn't as good as it used to be so whenever I get up in the 
middle of the night to pee, he turns the bathroom light on 
for me when I go in, and turns it off for me when I'm done." 
George said with a smile. "Seriously? That's amazing!" The 
doctor was in disbelief but sent George home with a good 
report and a promise to call with the test reults soon. A 
few days later, the doctor called George's house and Edna 
picked up the phone. The doctor told her that all of George's 
test results had come back negative and then he commented on 
his relationship with God. "Do you also have such a close 
relationship with God?" he asked her. "What do you mean?" She 
replied. "Well when he was in here for his checkup, George 
told me how close he is with God. For example when he goes 
to the bathroom at night, God turns the light on and off for 
him because he knows George's vision isn't that good." "OH 
NO!!" cried Edna. "HE'S PEEING IN THE FRIDGE AGAIN!"

OLD TURTLE AND THE BLOND

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? 

Once there on their backs their screwed.


DEAL WITH THE DEVIL

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. 

Satan said, "you have three choices on how to spend eternity,
and they are behind these three doors". 

The first room was Al Gore tied up by the arms getting dunked 
in a pool of sewage. 

The second room was Janet Reno tied by the arms and legs 
getting stretched out. 

The third room was Ken Star bound to the wall and Monica was 
on her knees giving him head, Bill immediately said "this is 
how I want to spend eternity". 

Satan then said "hey Monica,your replacement is here 


Update Date January 8, 2001

FERTILE SENIORS

An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided 
that they would take advantage of modern science 
to conceive another child.

They discussed it with a fertility expert who said 
it was indeed possible.

The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to 
return a semen sample the next day.

The next day, the couple presented the doctor with 
an empty jar. 

The husband apologized, 'I tried my right hand...I 
tried my left hand...

My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left 
hand.

She even took her teeth out and used her mouth.

We still couldn't get the lid off the jar.' 


IT'S STARTING

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops 
down on the couch in front of the television, and tells 
his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife 
sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer 
before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another 
beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer 
and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, 
it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're 
going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that 
TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and 
furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..." 

ESKIMO

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polar-oids. 


Update Date January 9, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

WORDS OF WISDOM

1. I can please only one person per day.
   Today is not your day.
   Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines.
   I especially like the whooshing sound
   they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you?
   How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you,
   but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this
   and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems
   that cannot be solved through a
   suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need,
   and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
   and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
   If they weren't there the first time you need them,
   chances are you won't be needing them again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem.
    You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars
    in the sky and I thought to myself,
    "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

THE BEST

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely
the strongest person in the world.

"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better
because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the
world".

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a
doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because
he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a
Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru's cave.  A few moments later
he came out with a massive grin on his face.  The Guru had
said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the
world.  He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile:
"It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of
the cave:
"Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"


Update Date January 10, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

TONTO

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, 
and are asleep.  Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful 
friend. 
 
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 
 
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." 
 
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. 
 
Tonto ponders for a minute. 
 
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of 
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells 
me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a 
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all 
powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we 
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. ...What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" 
 
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. 
 
"Tonto, you Dumb Ass,  ..someone has  stolen our damn tent 

PHONE CALLS

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a
meeting in Rome.  The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy
phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's
my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy
Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, so
indeed, he is connected to the Lord.  The Rabbi holds
a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the
Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! I
want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course, refuses.  The Rabbi is steadfast
and finally, the pontiff gives in.  He checks the
counter on the phone and says: "All right!  The
charges are 100,000 lira."

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.
A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an
official visit.  In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees
a phone identical to his and learns it also is a
direct line to the Lord.The Pope remembers he has an
urgent matter that requires divine consultation and
asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the
Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone
charges.  The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and
says: "1 Shekel." The Pope looks surprised: "Why so
cheap!?!"  The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

Update Date January 11, 2001

TRICK OR OPPS

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. 
She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to 
the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but 
she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and 
go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being 
spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he 
went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened 
without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the 
party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume 
was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her 
husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She 
joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around 
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, 
and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His 
wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, 
he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the 
new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he 
wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he 
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so 
off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just 
before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home 
and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind 
of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting 
up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. 
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good 
time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" 
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I 
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went 
into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going 
to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......." 

SNOOPS

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette,and a redhead were 
all talking about their daughters. The Brunette said 
"I was looking through my daughters things and I found 
cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes." The 
redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters 
things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe 
my daughter drinks." The Blond said "I was looking 
through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, 
I can't believe my daughter has a penis!" 

SO  NASTY!!

Yo mamma's so nasty... 

She pours salt water down her pants just too keep the 
crabs fresh.


Update Date January 12, 2001

YOUR DOG'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

1.  I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when 
     he's on the toilet.
2.  The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
3.  I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm 
     lying under the coffee table.
4.  I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5.  I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE 
     entering the house.
6.  I will not eat the cats' food, before, or after, they eat it.
7.  I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet 
     in the house when I am about to throw up.
8.  I will not throw up in the car.
9.  I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
10.  The litter box is not a cookie jar.
11.  I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose 
      on her bottom end.
12 . I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13.  I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red 
      ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.
14.  When in the car, I will not insist on having the window 
      rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of 
      someone who is sitting on the toilet.
16.  We do not have a doorbell.  Therefore, I will not bark each 
      time I hear one on the television.
17.  I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the 
      back yard with them.
18.  The sofa is not a face towel.  Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
19.  My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
20.  I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for 
       Mom's driver's license and car registration.

HELPING OUT

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't 
run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, 
but somehow the message never sunk in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my 
husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall 
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 
He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. 
He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again 
he handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well 
sweep the sidewalks.


Update Date January 13, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

MEN VS WOMEN

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the
male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light
of day.

Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Naked men elicit laughter from women.

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: Little miniature TV's. Car
phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh and exciting.
Male cheerleaders are scary.


SEX OBJECT
Myrddin was talking to Todd.

"So, Todd, how's it going with the ladies?"

"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."

"Really?"

"Yep," Todd shook his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."


Update Date January 14, 2001
Submitted by Lee B..

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues,
unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman -- with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs `bout 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable
blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues.
Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair
if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in
Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota
are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City
are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons


11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,
unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the
blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline,
it's the blues.

Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a
blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse,
or being denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is not a blues death,
if you die during a liposuction treatment.


Update Date January 15, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

THREE CONTRACTORS

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the
same day. One was from New York, another from Texas,
and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did
for a living. When they all replied that they were
contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear
fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give
me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it
out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his
tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I
figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400
for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape
measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks
like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for
my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said,
"$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't
even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire
the guy from Texas."


NO ABILITIES ACT

CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the
Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new
legislation that provides benefits and protection
for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Clinton
shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a
major victory for the millions upon millions of
U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault
of their own--do not possess the talent necessary
to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences
of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents
written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black
& Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic
forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these
millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of
working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply
not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25
million important-sounding "middle man" positions will
be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled
persons, providing them with an illusory sense of
purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based
raises and promotions will also be offered to create a
sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable,
utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives
to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those
who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented
hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also
contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination
against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from
asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring
to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills
that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to
keep up with co-workers who have something going for them,"
said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential
filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month
because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should
really help people like me." 



Update Date January 16, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

GANG MEMBER

A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in
kitchen fixing lunch.

The baby murmured "mother".

The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife "Hey, the baby just
said half a word!"


COWBOY

A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he
is locking him up he asks " Why in the world are you dressed like
this'?

Cowboy says, " Well it's like this Sheriff: I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor
home with her and I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and
asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did....

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I
did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts
So I did...

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says: 'Now
go to town, Cowboy'....

So here I am."


DIRTY CLUB

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat
conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he
took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy
directly behind him yelled,

"Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A
few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her
top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again.

"Yeah baby! Shake those things."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her
dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the  man behind our
friend yelled out,

"Oh baby! You're almost there!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up,
will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and
snatched off both the pasties and the G-string and the whole club went
wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned
around and asked,

"Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded,

"It's on your back, dude."


Update Date January 17, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

CHINESE TORTURE TEST

One day this guy goes into a chinese temple to look for a 
place to stay. The owner agrees to let him stay as long as 
he does not sleep with his daughter or he will have to face 
the chinese torture test. 

The guy thinks this is a fine deal so he agrees, until he 
sees the dughter, who is the most beatiful thing he has ever 
seen. 

So they spend the night together and he thinks he's in heaven. 
in the morning he wakes up and finds a 200kg stone on his chest 
with a note on it; reading - chinese tortore test 1. stone of 
pain. The guy gets up and chucks the stone out the window. Just 
then he notices a note on the window; reading - chinese torture 
test 2. Left testicle connected to stone. The guy jumps out the 
window, on the way down he sees another sign; reading - chinese 
torture test 3. Right testicle connected to bedpost!

BLOND ASTRONAUT

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were having a conversation 
one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space." The 
American said, "We were the first on the moon." The Blonde said, 
"So what, we are going to be the first ones on the sun." The 
Russian and the American looked at each other. Then the Russian 
said, "You can't land on the sun you idiot, you'll burn up!" The 
Blonde replied, "We're not stupid you know, we're going at night!"

REDNECK

If you see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you 
to pull your pants up you may be a redneck.


Update Date January 18, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

EXPERIENCE

O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen
O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to
bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage,
O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had
gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of
my other suitors."


ARE U  A  B.I.T.C.H?

Three guys, a lady and myself were sitting at the bar
talking about our professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young,
Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know...Double
Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban,
Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Then, they suddenly look at me and immediately I
said...I'm a BITCH!

What does a Bitch mean?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL of
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a Bitch...........
SMILE...........And say ThankYou!!!!!!!!


Update Date January 19, 2001

FLY UNITED

The following story is told about a United Airlines gate 
agent in Denver, Colorado, who was confronted by a 
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton Airport, 
a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was 
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the front 
of the line. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and 
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to 
help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm 
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that 
the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea 
who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her 
public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice 
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger 
here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. 
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The folks behind him in line began laughing hysterically.
Although the flight was canceled and people were late, 
they were no longer angry at United.


MIGHT JUST BE A SCROOGE

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, 
vodka and bourbon ~ you just might be a Scrooge

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep 
carolers away ~ you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells 
gas ~ you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood 
or Bill Clinton ~ you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson 
~ you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata 
~ you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night ~ you just 
might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts ~ you just might 
be a Scrooge

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the 
moon ~ you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park ~ you just might 
be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese 
log ~ you just might be a Scrooge

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie ~ you just 
might be a Scrooge

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat 
~ you just might be a Scrooge

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets 
~ you just might be a scrooge

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson 
~ you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" 
is sung by the KKK choir ~ you just might be a BIGOT Scrooge

If your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your 
neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn 
charicatures with egg nog ~ you just might be a Scrooge

And, finally ~ if your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin 
~ you just might be a Scrooge


Update Date January 20, 2001

PARDON ME, DO YOU HAVE TIME?

The police had been told to clean up the neighborhood so it 
was dead easy when the drunk staggered towards the constable 
and said: 
"Excuse me offisher, what time is it?" 

The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head 
with his baton. 

"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"


TRAFFIC COURT
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young  woman was
brought before the judge to answer for a ticket  she received for
driving through a red light. She explained  to the judge that she was
a school teacher and requested an  immediate disposal of her case so
she could get to the  school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a  schoolteacher,
eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my  lifelong ambition. I've
waited years to have a  schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at
that table  and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500
times!"


Update Date January 21, 2001

RIDING LESSON

One day a blonde got in her car to go to horseback 
riding lessons. When she got there she got on the horse 
and said, "Go!". So the horse started to go faster and 
faster. Suddenly the blonde started screaming, "slow 
down, slow down your going too fast!!" So the Wal-Mart 
manager turned it off.

ANOTHER REDNECK

You know you are a redneck if your porch collapses and 
kills all 10 of your dogs.

RACHEL AND ESTHER

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years 
since high school.

Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children.  "My son 
is a doctor and he's got four kids.  My daughter is married 
to a lawyer and they have three great kids.  So tell me 
Esther, how about your kids?"

Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any 
children and so we have no grandchildren either."

Rachel says, "No children? ... and no grandkids?  So tell 
me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"


Update Date January 22, 2001

80 YEAR OLD CHECK-UP

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor 
asks him how he's feeling. 

"I've never been better" he replies. "I've got an 18 year 
old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think of 
that?" 

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, 
let me tell you a story. 

"A guy I know is an avid hunter. He never missed a season. 
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs 
his umbrella instead of a gun. So he's walking in the woods 
near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front 
of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and 
squeezes the handle. BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of 
him." 

"That's impossible" says the old man in disbelief. "Someone 
else must have shot that beaver"... 

The doctor says.. "Exactly" 

TAPEWORM

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he 
thinks he might have a tapeworm.  The doctor makes a physical 
examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the 
self-diagnosis. 

"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. Bring a 
banana and a cookie with you," said the doctor. 

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns 
the next day with a banana and a cookie.  The doctor says, "Okay, 
now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." 

Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his 
pants and bends over.  The doctor peels the banana and with one 
deft motion rams it up the guy's butt.  While the doctor consults 
his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor. 

"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part 
of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm,"  
advises the doc. 

Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies 
with the order to bend over again.  Again, the doctor takes the 
cookie and rams it up the patients butt. 

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring 
another banana and a cookie,"  says the doctor. 

The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his 
head. 

Next day, the same routine ensues.  First the doctor rams up a 
banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie.  And the 
next day, and the next day and the next!!  Every day UP goes a 
banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie. 

After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says,  "Well, 
tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments.  I want you to bring in a 
banana and a hammer." 

"Not a cookie?"  asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine 
what a hammer was going to feel like. 

"Nope, a hammer,"  confirmed the doctor. 

The last day the doctor says,  "Okay, you know the routine". 

So the man drops his pants and bends over.  UP goes the banana, and 
the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer.  One minute 
passes.  Then two minutes.  Three.  Four minutes pass. 

Then a little head pokes out of the patients ass yelling,  "WHERE'S 
MY COOKIE!?!" 

BEST SURGICAL PATIENTS

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best type of surgical 
patients. 

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating 
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! 
Everything inside them is color coded." 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; 
everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers 
... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over 
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're 
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no 
guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are 
interchangeable." 


Update Date January 23, 2001

CANNIBAL STORIES

LOOKING FOR SUPPER

Cannibal father and son were out looking for food one day. They 
were hiding in the woods watching for people to walk by. First, 
a really skinny man walked by and sond son asked, "How about him 
Pa?" "No boy, he's too skinny." said Pa. Then a Really fat woman 
walked by. The son asked, "How about her Pa?" "No boy, She's too 
fatty." said Pa. Then a really good looking young girl walked by 
and the son asked "How about her Pa?" "Yep, we'll take her home 
and eat yer mother." 

COOKING

Did you here about the cannibal who kept getting stomach aches. 
He went to the "witch doctor" who couldn't figure out what was 
wrong. He gave the cannibal a medicine and sent him home. 

The next day the cannibal came back to the witch doctor and 
complained of cramps and pains. The witch doctor asked him a bunch 
of questions and could not figure out what was wrong. 

As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal if he had 
eaten' anything strange. The cannibal replied "no." "Well, what are 
you eating?" the witch doctor asked. 

"The usual," replied the cannibal, "You know just a couple of those 
Missionaries every now and then." "Missionaries?" replied the witch 
doctor. "Just how do you cook them?" he asked. 

"The normal way" answered the cannibal as he described the technic. 
"I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little seasoning, a few 
herbs and vegetables" he further related. 

Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor so he pressed a little 
further; "So, describe these missionaries to me" he asked. "Well," 
replied the cannibal, "you know the ones, they wear those brown robes, 
wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot on top 
of their head." 

"THAT'S IT!" exclaimed the witch doctor, "That's your problem! Those 
are friars... not boilers!!!" 

DESSERT

Q: What do cannibals eat for dessert? 

A: Chocolate covered aunts. 


Update Date January 24, 2001

TAKE YOUR TIME

Two cannibals are eating a man, one starting from the head the 
other from the feet. 

A few minutes into their feast the one who started from the head 
says to the one who started at the feet,"How's it going down 
their?". 

The other answers,"I'm having a ball!". 

To which the answer is,"Slow down you're going to fast!" 

THE ONLY ONE

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter 
shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one 
bedroom apartment. 

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the 
penthouse apartment, which is huge. 

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a 
lawyer. 

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more 
important." 

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up 
here, but we only have ONE lawyer!" 

LAWYER AT THE PEARLY GATES

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there 
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. 

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down 
the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. 

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the 
hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a 
comfortable chair by his desk. 

The lawyer said,  "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes 
me so special?" 

St. Peter replied,  "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you 
billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 
years old!"   


Update Date January 25, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

CONSULTING

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt 
pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the 
busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in 
his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the 
waitpersons had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked:

"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired
Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our 
processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded 
that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. 
This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per 
hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can 
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from
behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in 
his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen 
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our
order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I noticed 
then that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. 
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging 
from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked
off, I asked the waiter:

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?" "Oh,certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not
everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also 
found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of... you know... we 
can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate 
the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%"
"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do 
you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, 
"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." 

CRISCO
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco,
I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."


Update Date January 26, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

NEW MERCEDES

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite 
sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went 
in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular 
sales woman. 

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the 
store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to 
look around alone today before he needed her help. She 
obliged and let him do his thing. 

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, 
"Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your 
new Mercedes!" 

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" 

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the 
license plate number!" 

TOUCHDOWN

A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in 
the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying 
to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few 
minutes and cuts a fart. 

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was 
that?" 

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing." 

She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she 
lets one loose. 

He yells at her, "What was that?" 

She replies "Touchdown, tie score." 

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there 
for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries 
so hard he craps in bed. 

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" 

He replied, "Half time, switch sides." 


CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private 
disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move 
that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" 
the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping 
and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered 
the lives of the entire company?" 

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, 
if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of 
pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved 
a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. 
But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard 
the one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other 
until winter' - that did it." 


Update Date January 27, 2001

LOST SMOKE

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. 
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his 
cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under 
the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor 
for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his 
hammer and flattened the hump. 

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, 
handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the 
hallway." 

"Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet." 

THE BIRD GOT THE WORD

There was this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swore like 
a sailor. He could swear for five minutes straight without 
repeating himself. The trouble was, the guy who owned him was 
a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth was 
driving him crazy. 

One day, it got to be too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by 
the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!" But 
this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever. 

Then the guy got mad and said, "OK for you," and locked the 
bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravated the bird and 
he clawed and scratched, and when the guy finally let him out, 
the bird cut loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make 
a veteran sailor blush. 

At that point, the guy was so mad he threw the bird into the 
freezer. For the first few seconds there was a terrible din. 
The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly 
became quiet. 

At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think the 
bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he 
became worried and opened up the freezer door. 

The bird calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and 
said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my 
best to improve my vocabulary from now on." 

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation 
that had come over the parrot. 

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" 

CAT HEAVEN

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There 
he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived 
a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in 
Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." 

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have 
lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." 

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful 
fluffy pillow appears. 

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident 
and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them 
with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have 
been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women 
with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have 
roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" 

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful 
pair of roller skates. 

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him 
snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks 
him, "How are things since you are here?" 

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. 
Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels 
you have been sending by are the best!!!"   


Update Date January 28, 2001

HARD TO UNDERSTAND

Bob was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the 
table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an 
article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a 
football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ 
and common knowledge. 

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his 
face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the 
most attractive wives." 

Marlene replied, "Why thank you, dear!" 

HOME REPAIRS

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around 
the house.  He would come home from work, sit in front of the 
tv, eat dinner, and sit some more.  He would never do those 
little household repairs that most husbands take care of.  This 
frustrated the woman quite a bit. 

One day the toilet stopped up.  When her husband got home, she 
said sweetly,  "Honey, the toilet is clogged.  Would you look 
at it?" 

Her husband snarled,  "What do I look like?  The Tidy-Bowl man?" 
and sat down on the sofa. 

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work.  When her 
husband got home she said, very nicely,  "Honey, the disposal won't 
work. Would you try to fix it for me?" 

Once again, he growled,  "What do I look?  Mr. Plumber?" 

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.  When her 
husband got home, she steeled her courage and said,  "Honey, the 
washer isn't running.  Would you check on it?" 

And again she was met with a snarl,  "What do I look like?  The 
Maytag repairman?" 

Finally, she had had enough.  The next morning, the woman called 
three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the 
washer. 

When her husband got home, she said,  "Honey, I had the repairmen 
out today." 

He frowned,  "Well, how much is that going to cost?" 

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake 
or having sex with them." 

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" 

She smiled.  "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"          


Update Date January 29, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

I D TEN T ERROR

I'd like to share a little anecdote that happened in the office the
other day. Young Joanne, the editor of a (Noname) news publication,
was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a
couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Joanne
called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne's face. "An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... ;-) ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?"

"No," replied Joanne.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T


LIFE BEFORE COMPUTER

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut- you did with a pocket knife
Paste- you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!


Update Date January 30, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

MARRIAGE ANONYMOUS

Are you thinking about getting married?  Afraid
your will power will not be enough to avoid taking
that trip down the aisle?  Let Marriage Anonymous
help.  We have two plans to prevent you from
falling into that trap.

WOMEN:
When you feel like getting married, you call
Marriage Anonymous and they send over a man in a
dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days,
smells like stale beer, and whines at you to make
him a snack while he lies on the couch, emits
various bodily gases and their accompanying noises,
and watches football.

MEN:
When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage
Anonymous and they send you an overweight woman
dressed in a sloppy bathrobe and sporting curlers
in her hair. She will have no makeup on, and will
harangue you to pick up your clothes off the floor.


SLEEP PHOBIA

Shakey went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think
there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's
somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm
going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come
to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


Update Date January 31, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

MOTHER NATURE

John and Mike are playing golf together. On the third hole 
John hits his ball way to the right and Mike hits his ball 
way to the left. John goes to his ball and notices it laying 
in the middle of a patch of butter cups. He wants to take 
the ball out of the flowers but since he is a "play by the 
rules" golfer he goes ahead and hits it out there. The ball 
flies towards the green and buttercups fly all over the place. 
All of a sudden, Mother Nature appears and starts to chastise 
him. "John, I give you this entire golf course to play golf 
on and you insist on playing out of the beautiful buttercups. 
For being so disrespectful you will no longer have an 
appreciation for the taste of butter. That is your punishment." 
She dissapears and John walks dejectedly towards the green. Up 
near the green, he sees Mike with an equally dejected expression 
on his face. John says, "You won't believe what happened to me 
over by those buttercups!" Mike replies, "Don't bitch at me, I 
hit it into the pussywillows!"


CHECK

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette,and a redhead were all 
talking about their daughters. The Brunette said "I was 
looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, 
I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead said "Ladies, 
I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle 
of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks." The Blond said 
"I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack 
of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!" 

ONE MORE BRAIN CELL

Why did god give blondes one more brain cell than cows??? 
So when you play with there boobs they won't pee on the floor.


Update Date February 1, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

IDIOTS AND MORE ....

Idiot #1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
Emergency room right away.
Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the
river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is
activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at
Boeing.
Idiot #3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a Downtown Bank
of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note
to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note
and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left
the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a
few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read
it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light 
in the harbor, told him that he could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he
would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was
arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Idiot #4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture of handcuffs.
Idiot #5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe
him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot #6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot #7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was
made of Plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
AND....
In case you are having a bad day.
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were
both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his
arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to
his Walkman.
3. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling 
the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally.......
4. An Iraqi terrorist didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


Update Date February 2, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

NUMBER 5

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw
my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I
had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt
listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted
of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all
I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number " 5."
It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the
first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the
daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.

Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the # 5 horse in
the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started
grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five
cups of coffee

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

- I took a five minute shower

- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in
the fifth row

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate

- I bought five programs

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the
fifth horse in the fifth race

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making
sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"

I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth !! "

VACATION

Jill had applied for a job, and when she returned home, her
mother asked how the interview went.

Jill replied, "Pretty good I think, but if I go to work there I won't
get a vacation unless I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and
asked, "Is that what they told you?

Jill replied, "No, they didn't tell me that, but on the application
it said, "Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your
first anniversary."

Update Date February 3, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

OLD MAN

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was
a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes
in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain
let up.

They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road,
laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger
window, and he tapped lightly on the window!

The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my
window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window
a little and ask him what he wants!"

So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of
his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a
cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette
and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in
terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start
laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going
pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man
again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the
window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer,
trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a
sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH NO! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT
DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"


Update Date February 4, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

LEROY

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The

office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,

LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?"

he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing

outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,'

and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to

come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come

eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want

ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy,"

she said. "I just use their last name!"


FOOLISH

Max and Abe had become newly rich partners for ten years.  They
decided to celebrate their anniversay in business with a deluxe dinner
at The Waldorf. It was glorious.

Near the end of the meal, the waiter served fingerbowls. Abe said,
"Max, what is this in the little paper cup inside the silver dish?"

Max answered, "I don't know what it is, but everything else was good.
This will be good, too. So eat it, and never mind what it is."

Abe said, "Max, you know me, I can't eat it if I don't know what it
is!" and he called out to the waiter. Max said, "Please, don't
embarrass me by showing your ignorance. It'll be good, eat it." But
the waiter arrived, and Abe said, "Waiter, what is this in the paper
cup in the little silver bowl?"

The waiter answered, "That is a fingerbowl, sir. When you have
finished your meal, you may dip your fingers in it to cleanse them,
and wipe them on your napkin." And the waiter walked away. As soon as
he did, Max said, "You see? You ask a foolish question, you get a
foolish answer!



Update Date February 5, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

WALLPAPER

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom.  He wasn't sure how many
rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who
lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were
identical in size.

"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your
bedroom?"

"Ten" said Murphy.

So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked
wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.

"Murphy," he said.  "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom,
but I've got 2 left over!"

"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."


I'M SURE YOU CAN IMAGINE

As plain as you can be
The place is Picadilly
The player He and She

She whispered "Will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."

She said "I'm frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times.
And said it can be sore."

Then finally contented
Laid back and relaxed a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size

"Calm yourself," he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
"Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in".

"It's coming now,"he whispered.
"I know."she cried in a bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I am having this.."

And with final effort
She gave a frightened shout.
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contented
Sighed and gave a smile
She said," I am glad I came now
You made it worth my while."

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find...
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!


Update Date February 6, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

VIRGIN

The catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he
decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.

"Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my attention
that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is
being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall
be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation
to rise."

Not a woman stirred.

"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to
announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it is
necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to
rise."

And still not a woman stirred.

Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a
small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the name of Mother Mary
herself. Let all virgins stand!"

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear,
with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.

The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I have
asked for virgins to stand."

"Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really expect
this six-month-old child to stand by herself?"


COMPROMISE

On their wedding night, the young bride told
her groom, "Since we're married now, we can
arrange our sex life like this: In the evening
if my hair is done, that means I don't want
sex at all.  If my hair is somewhat undone,
that means I may or may not have sex. Lastly
if my hair is completely undone, that means
I want sex."

The groom replied, "Okay sweetheart. Just make
sure that when I come home, I usually have a
drink.  If I have only one drink, that means
I don't want sex.  If I have two drinks, I may
or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more
than two, your hair won't matter....


Update Date February 7, 2001

WHAT DOCTORS SAY VS. WHAT THEY MEAN

They Say:  "This should be taken care of right away."
They Mean:  "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but 
this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it 
cures itself."

They Say:  "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
They Mean:  "I have no idea and I'm hoping you'll give him 
a clue."

They Say:  "Let me check your medical history."
They Mean:  "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before 
spending any more time with you."

They Say:  "Why don't we make another appointment later 
in the week."
They Mean:  "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is 
keeping me from the links."
--or--  "I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another 
office visit."

They Say:  "We have some good news and some bad news."
They Mean:  "The good news is, I'm going to buy that new 
BMW.  The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."

PASSWORD

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their 
passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.  

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," 
and asked why it was so long. 

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at 
least four characters."  


Update Date February 8, 2001

MULLIGAN

An ederly couple was golfing and they approached the 18th tee. The 
old man tees his ball up and is about to swing when he looks down 
the fairway and sees his wife standing in the middle of the fairway 
about 50 yards from the tee. 

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked. "you haven't hit a ball 
straight all day, there's noway you will even come near me" she 
responded. 

"Damn it woman get out of my way" yelled the old man. "Go ahead and 
swing old man you couldn't hit the ball straight if your life depended 
on it" she shot back. With that the old man swung and the ball shot 
off the tee striking the old woman right between the eyes. 

Later that day the old man was talking to the corroner. "we determined 
that the cause of death was severe blunt tramma to your wife's forehead" 
said the corroner. 

"Yes that would be my drive" said the old man. 

The corroner then said "I figured that but the thing I can't figure 
out is that we fou
nd a golf ball lodged about 6 inches up her ass." 

"Oh" said the old man, "that would be my mulligan".

MAGIC MOUNTAIN

There were a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at the top of Magic 
Mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if anyone ran and jumped 
of the mountain they would become that. The brunette ran, jumped off 
and said she wanted to be an eagle. She turned in to an eagle and 
flew away. The redhead did the same but said she wanted to be a cat. 
She turned into one and landed on all fours and walked away. The 
blonde ran and tripped over a rock an yelled "Sh**!"...

SWIM MEET 

There was a swim meet with a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They 
were swimming breaststroke in their competition. The red head came 
in first but was neck to neck with the brunette the whole race. The 
brunette came in second and the blonde came in last but when she got 
out of the pool she said that wasn't fair they used their arms.


Update Date February 9, 2001

TWENTY WAYS
Submitted by Lee B.

You never know when one of these may be of use....
Twenty ways to tell someone their fly is open . . .

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows on your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to return to the tower and tend his bells.
13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12) Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson...
11) Your pod bay door is open, Ted.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes reports a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

LUIGI
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say
hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep."

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi," asked Giovanni.

"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a
Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a
me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip.  All was OK until we got'a
hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.

The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, "No eat in
dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car."

So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a
lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a
finger and say, "No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car."

So we go to club'a car.  While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my
big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a
in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car."

We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to
bed.  We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car
yelling, "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA


Update Date February 10, 2001

EYE CONTACT

A customer was so infatuated with his waitress he decided 
to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When 
he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. 
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her.  
With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation.
To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have
you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even
make eye contact."

"Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you wanted more 
coffee."

MORE CLEARER

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died 
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to 
get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife 
to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into 
our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use 
it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to 
her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it 
needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror 
coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have 
been a bit clearer with my directions.


Update Date February 12, 2001

THE OLD DRUNK

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday 
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down 
into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, 
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I 
ssssure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and 
pulls him right back up. 

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, 
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found 
Jesus?"

"Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 
30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and 
says in a harsh tone,

"My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, 
"Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"


AN HONEST MISTAKE

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister 
asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," 
replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give 
you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the 
father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father 
of lawyers,' so I let it go."


Update Date February 13, 2001

DOOR NO. 3

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed 
his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three 
possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who 
died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged 
businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying 
his private jet. The third is an attorney who died after 
practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the attorney's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient 
why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that 
hadn't been used."

GAS CAP

David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. 
After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had 
left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, 
sure enough, it was lost. 

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people 
must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going 
back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't 
find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. 
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found 
a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a 
satisfying click. 

"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another 
one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."


Update Date February 14, 2001

5 YEARS OLDER

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went 
home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. She 
asked, "What do you think mom?" 

Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was 
your age, you'd be five years older!"

ASHES

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some
drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the
mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says,
"What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

CREAM AND SUGAR

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down 
at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.   The waitress, who is 
very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous 
customers having lunch at the diner.   The man, who uses both 
creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.  
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar 
for his coffee.  The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being 
before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.   As she passes the 
cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down 
and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both 
her hands are full.   After she has served the two plates she was holding,
she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you 
want in your coffee?" 

The man says, "Two's fine." 

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them 
into his cup.  "And cream?" she asks. 

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, 
"You wouldn't dare!"


Update Date February 15, 2001

GOLF CAN BE DANGEROUS

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the
woods.  Harry, his partner, had laughed and poked fun, but then
somehow managed to hit his own ball into the woods, just a few yards
beyond.

Fred hunted for a long time, getting angrier every minute.  Finally,
in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.  Instead of
just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single
buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!  Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups?  Just for that, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn the rest of your life.  Better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.  As a matter of fact,
you won't have any butter for ANYTHING the rest of your life!"  Then
POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!
Harry!  Where are you?"

Harry yelled, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Fred screamed back, "Don't swing!  For heaven's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

HMMM...

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

OUCH!

He was bitten by a snake, so I gave him whiskey.  It didn't cure him,
but he died happy.


Update Date February 16, 2001

OLD BANK

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get
something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?"
mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as
they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the
application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space
for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight
hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

CAKE

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for
two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that
he has invited four of his friends from the office home for
dinner on Friday night.  The wife is a bit apprehensive and
asks if she must cook a meal for the four.  The husband
explains that there will be eight coming because each will
bring his wife.

Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by
saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in
and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide
what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears.  She explains
that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"  She
decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps.  "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs.  Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8
cups of flour --what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the
cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the
oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

MATERNITY JOKES
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

The differences between your 1st, 2nd and 3rd babies.

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.


Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.



Update Date February 17, 2001

A MANHATTAN

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Manhattan with a 
plum in it.

The bartender says, "You mean cherry."

She says no, "I mean a plum."

The bartender says, "Look lady I've been tending bar for 
20 years and you're the first that ever asked for a 
Manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?"


>SOUTHERN DRAWL

After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey 
suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked 
it in the country.

"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's 
a lot better since I got myself a paramour."

The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does 
your wife know?"

"Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut 
the grass."

A REDNECK PARTY

Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here 
was our conversation:

"Hey dude! Where are you man? We're having a great party 
over here. Why don't you come on over and join us?"

I replied, "Man, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna 
stay right here."

"Well, hey. What'cha got?" they asked.

"I got a case of diarrhea," I responded.

"Well hell.. bring it along. These fools will drink anything!"










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