Update Date August 19,2000

THREE WISHES

A Man and a woman are having a blazing row whilst
walking through a wood. The man storms off and leaves
the woman sobbing at the foot of a tree;

she finds a magic lamp; rubs it and out pops a Genie

"I have been imprisoned in that lamp for 600 years. I heard
you row with your husband and I would like to grant you
three wishes, as a thank you for releasing me. But I warn
you, whatever you wish for, I shall grant threefold to your
husband."

The woman thinks:

"Make me the most desirable woman in the world"

The Genie says, "But that would make your man 3 times
more desirable. Women the world over will fall at his feet!"

"That's okay because I'll still be the most desirable woman."

Whoosh. She becomes the most desirable woman in the world.

"For wish 2, I would like to be the richest woman in the world"

"But then your husband will be 3 times richer than you"

"That's okay, because what's mine is his, and what's his is mine!"

Whoosh she becomes the richest woman in the world.

"You have one final wish. Think carefully - what will it be?"

"My last wish is for a mild heart attack"!


COMPLICATED

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars 
to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know 
that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. 
The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is 
running."


READY

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and
pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after
followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to
have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car
and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports
equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I
wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."


REFILL

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife
sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned
on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted
and propped her feet and announced that he was
preparing dinner all by himself.  "How romantic!" she
thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for
dinner to be served.  She tip-toed to the kitchen and
found it a colossal mess.  Her harried husband,
removing something indescribable from the smoking oven,
saw her in the doorway.

"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long --
I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon.  Wasn't easy stuffin' it
through those dumb little holes."


Update Date August 20,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX

THE PATIENT

A patient in a mental hospital  was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied, " I am going to make a
slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."
Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again 
asked him the same question. His reply was the same.  " I am going to make a sling
shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place"  
Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could
never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they
interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get 
released with answers like that. You  have to tell them what they want to 
hear.  Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask 
you questions."

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.  So when 
the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let 
him out.But this time he was ready. He said, " I am going to get a job, find 
an apartment and settle down."

"Good," they said, and then what?"

He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."

They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"?

"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate
love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her
bra off and lie her down on the bed."

"Yes?, they said excitedly.

"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are
you going to do?"

He said, " I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself 
a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!

LAWS

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband
   to pick up five items at the store and then you add one
   more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important
   you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or
   absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to
   bump you into the next tax bracket and just small enough
   to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything
   except what happens.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only
   cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts
   out hard will soften when stale.  Any food that starts out
   soft will harden when stale.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat
   on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom
   of the grocery bag.

*  Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late,
   you will go unnoticed.  When you leave work early, you will
   meet the boss in the parking lot.


Update Date August 21,2000  

I TOLD YOU SO

A woman complained to a friend,
"She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied her friend in a hurt tone,
"I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed the first women.
"Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

ONE LINERS

MARRIAGE ONE LINERS

My wife dresses to kill.  She cooks the same way.
        ...Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.
        ...Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
        ...Milton Berle

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
        ...George Burns

What's a difference between a boyfriend and a husband?  About 30 pounds.
        ...Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car.  She called and said, "There was water in the
carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"  She said, "In the lake."
        ...Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.
        ...Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
        ...Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a
quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all.  I am a forgiving woman.  Long ago, I
forgave my husband for not being Pauyl Newman.
        ...Erma Bombeck

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
        ...

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
        ...

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge that to let him keep
her.
        ...

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.
        ...

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.  So I got two
girlfriends.
        ...

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
        ...

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
        ...
		

Update Date August 22,2000 
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX

SUNDAY JOKES SERIES

SERMON

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the priest delivered a
sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son.  When he got to
the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet
him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..."

..At which point a young boy jumped up & shouted, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

MARRIAGE

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding
album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire
service to her.  Once finished, I asked if she had any questions,
and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"

HEBREW SCHOOL

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher,
finished the day's lesson.  It was now time for the usual
question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't
figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the
Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children
of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz
always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt.  "So what's your
question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all
the grown-ups doin?"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as  they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it  necessary to be quiet in
church?"
One bright little  girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

LITTLE BOY

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
looking  at the old pages as he turned  them. Then something fell out
of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old
leaf from a  tree  that has been pressed in between the pages.  "Momma, look
what I  found,"  the  boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,  "It's Adam's
suit!!"

MIKE CORD

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping  before jerking it again. After several circles and  jerks, a
little girl in the third pew leaned toward her  mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

TALKING LOUD

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel  were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang  and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had had  enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.  Angie pointed to
the  back of the church and said, "See  those two men standing by the
door?
They're hushers."

GRANDMAS

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?" I  mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No,
how are  we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite  knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then one day she floored her
grandmother by asking,  "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The
virgin  Mary  or the King James Virgin?"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten commandments.They were
ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anyone could tell her
what it was.  Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou  shall
not take  the covers off the neighbor's wife."

WEB'S PRAYER

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,  Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at  bedtime, she would repeat after me the
lines from the  prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened
with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,  right up to the end of
the prayer:
"Lead us not into  temptation," she  prayed,"but deliver us some
E-mail. Amen."

ROAR

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle, he would take two steps, stop,  and turn to the crowd. While
facing the crowd, he  would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it  went,
step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way  down the aisle. As you
can  imagine, the crowd was  near tears from laughing so hard by the time
he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was
getting more and more distressed from all the laughing,  and was also
near tears by the time he reached the  pulpit. When asked what he was
doing, the child  sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

LITTLE BOY

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during
the morning worship hour. The parents  did their best to maintain some
sense of order in the pew  but were losing the battle. Finally, the father
picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on  his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called
loudly to the congregation,  "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash  in our baskets."

TEST PRAYER

One student's prayer:
"Now I lay me down to rest,
And hope to pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I have to take."


OVERHEARD

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't  make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having  a real good time like I am."

LATE

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed.

"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late" .... at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes
dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"


Update Date August 23,2000 

READING

Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass
the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road
signs.

He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke he saw
the French highway signs and said in a worried tone. "I think I forgot
how to read while I was asleep."


ADDICTIVE

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed
a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to
go join a convent?

The FDA refused to license it... Seems it was habit-forming.


MOTHERS

A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book 
entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he 
answered no.

"Then why are you checking it out?"

"Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just 
started collecting moths last month!"


MEN VS. WOMEN
Submitted by Lee B.

MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for
lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne,
Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John
go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie,
Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though
it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the girls get their bill, out
come the pocket calculators.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't want.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom:
a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of
soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any
argument.   Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats,
but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until
she gets a husband. A man never worries about
the future until he gets a wife.
more money than his wife can spend. A successful
woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he
will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman
expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go
shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they
went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all
about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should
forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.


Update Date August 24,2000 

FOREIGN EXCHANGE
Submitted by GG522 of Ft. Worth, TX

An Asian gentleman walks into an American bank
needing to exchange currency. Handing over 55 yen,
he is told by the teller that the equivalency in American
dollars will be $96.00. completing his transaction, he
smilingly leaves the bank. One week later he returns to
again, exchange some cash. Giving the teller 55 yen, he
is told that the equivalency will be $91.00. "What you
talk about!", he exclaims. "Last week I come in, 55 yen
is $96.00 dollar and today it only $91.00, you trying to
cheat me?". "No sir", the teller tried to explain,
"..fluctuations..". Incensed the man yelled, "Well, FLUCK
YOU AMERICANS too"!!


Q & A

Q.  What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?

A.  Wife saying she wants to talk to him.


SURVEY

A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of
the night...

5% said it was to get a glass of water...
12% said it was to go to the toilet...
83% said it was to go home


FIRST WIFE

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was
accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men
who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first
wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband.


Update Date August 25,2000 

THE SMARTEST BLOND

There was  the President, a Boy Scout, The Smartest
Blonde in the World, and a Pilot in the plane when it
started to crash, but there were only 3 parachutes,
so they had to think who they needed most so the
President said "Well someone will have to rule this
country." so he took a parachute and jumped. The
Smartest Blond in the World said "There will have
to be someone smart." so she took a parachute and
jumped. The Pilot Said "Somebody will have to fly the
President back to Washington, sorry are you gonna
be ok?" He said to the Boy Scout. "Yea, the Smartest 
Blonde in the World just jumped with my backpack."

THE REFILL

A blonde was on a  date with her boyfriend and they
went for a walk outside.

The boyfriend leaned over to give the blonde a kiss, but
instead he blew in her ear.  She replied with, "thanks for
the refill!"

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME . . .

My Mother taught me LOGIC - like, "If you fall off that
swing and  break your neck, you can't go to the store with
me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE - like, "If you don't
stop crossing  your  eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't
you think  I know  when you are cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "Where's
your brother and  don't talk with food in your mouth. Answer
me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawnmower
cuts off  your toes,  don't come running to me."


BETTER GRADES

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made  the  teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and  said...

"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't get better grades....
somebody is going to get a spanking...."


Update Date August 26,2000 

FORGOT

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids 
through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously 
frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think 
these are all mine?"


THE REASON

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, 
he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The 
warden saw that, deep down, Andy was a good person and made 
arrangements for Andy to learn a trade.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters 
in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd 
jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back 
to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had 
done much of the work himself, but he lacked the skills to build a set 
of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop, which he had promised 
his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete 
the job for him.

However, Andy refused by telling the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like 
to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first
place."


VOICES

Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look 
on his face. 

"Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember 
those voices in my head I always complain about?"

"Yes," the doctor replies.

"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.

"So what's the problem?"

"I think I'm going deaf."


THE SHEPERD


Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day 
and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't 
pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, 
and my wife is leaving me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."


Update Date August 27,2000 

FIT

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.
After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap
on top of his car. He stopped and looked but, sure enough, it was lost. 

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done
the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the
road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to
find one that fit. 

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried
it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. 

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.
And this one's even better because it locks."


CIRCUMCISED

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"Well, I've been circumcised," answered the other one.

"Huh, What's that mean?" asked the first boy.

"It means they cut the skin off the end," said #2.

The first boy was very puzzled, "How old were you when
it was cut off?"

The second boy replied, "My Mom said I was only two
days old."

"Wow, did it hurt?" the first boy wondered.

The second boy responded without hesitation,
"You bet it hurt...
...I couldn't walk for a year!"


THE HELPFUL WIFE

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following
conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail
light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for
weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to
the car.
Wife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this
way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Update Date August 28,2000 

GAME WARDEN

A Game Warden stops a duck hunter at the end of a
days hunt and asks to check his birds. The hunter says
sure go right ahead.The warden picks up the first duck
puts his finger up it's butt and smells it and says, "This is
a Maryland duck.Do you have a Maryland license?''The
man pulls out his wallet and shows him his Maryland
license.The warden picks up the second duck puts his
finger up it's butt smells it and says,''This is a Delaware
duck. Do you have aDelaware license?''The man shows
him his Delaware license. The warden then picks up the
third duck sticks his finger up it's butt and says,"This here
is a Colorado duck. Do you have a Colorado hunting
license?"The hunter shows him his Colorado hunting license.
The game warden says,"You sure do carry alot of hunting
licenses with you.Where you from anyway."The hunter drops
his drawers bends over and says,"Your so damn smart,you
tell me!!!!"



POETRY

Two Kentuckians meet up with a Harvard student.

The Harvard student says he could beat the Kentuckians in a
poetry contest

So the Kentuckians say okay

The Harvard students' poem goes;

Across the weary desert sand

travels a dusty caravan

people on camels two by two;

destination:timbuktu


So the Kentuckians say "thats pretty good, heres ours"

Tim and me uh huntin went

met three hoes in a pop up tent

them was three and us were two

so I buk one while timbuktu

MENTAL HOSPITAL FUN

A man was walking past the wooden fence surrounding
a mental hospital when he heard the patients inside
chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Well, that made
him curious, so when he saw a knot-hole in one of the
boards, he decided to peek inside and see what was
going on. All the while, the patients were in there chanting
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" So the man leans over, puts
his eye to the knot-hole, and *POP* someone pokes him
in the eye. As he's recovering from the shock, he hears
from the other side of the fence:

"FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!"

BUCKET

There was a guy bar hopping and he stopped in a bar.
He asked the bartender where the bathroom is, this
guy was dead drunk and he was wobbling side to side
down the hall to the bathroom, 5 minutes after he went
in there everyone in the bar heard a blood curdling
scream, the bar tender said ahh its only a 1 time thing,
he'll be ok. 5 minutes later he heard a blood curdling
scream twice as loud as the first. The bartender goes into
the bathroom and finds this guy squatting down and the
guy says, "bartender there is something wrong with your
john, every time I flush this thing sqeezes the heck out of
my balls," the bartender says, 'dude your sitting on the
mop bucket."


Update Date August 29,2000 

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few
(dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he 
rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, 
the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG 
SUNDAY SERMON

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the 
super bowl" but it's only July!


IT'S OVER


A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class
one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on
the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in
the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Thorn ?" "Well teacher,
I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for
three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten
to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the
chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Steve ?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment
is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around
again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of
laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little
Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."


Update Date August 30,2000 

MIDLIFE IN A WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you
have to pay someone to look at you naked

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full of course,
the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are no longer
women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see
your rear end without turning around

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it
is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery
store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce
department

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back (It's more 
like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now
sitting on your biggest ones

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife jiggly, yes; jiggy, no

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally
(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of
Wisconsin)

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and
scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will 
too!

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I
have stretch marks?

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top
flea collar

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go- The only thing you still
retain is water

You become more reflective in midlife  You start pondering the "big"
questions-what is life, why am I here how much Healthy Choice ice cream can 
I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

UNDERSTAND POLITICS
Submitted by FEBBOX of Buena Park, CA

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?
Father: Sure, What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner,
so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, 
so we'll call her the Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call
you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your younger
brother we can call the Future. Do you understand son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night awakened by his brother's crying the boy went to see what was
wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the 
boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to
the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in
bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and
the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The
next  morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the
Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and
the Future is full of shit.

Update Date August 31,2000 
Submitted by Lee B.

ALL ABOUT IDIOTS

This week, ALL our phones went dead, and I had to call the phone repair
people. They promised to be out between 8:00 AM and 7:00 PM. When I asked if
they could give me a smaller time window, he asked, "Would you like us to
call before we come?" He also requested that we report future outages by
e-mail. (?????Does your e-mail work without a telephone line???)

IDIOTS AT WORK...

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed
me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they
matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he no
longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind
people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are 
blind people doing driving?"

Idiot Sighting #3:

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company
due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should
have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked
at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4:

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

There, now, don't you feel better?


Update Date Sept. 1,2000 

SPOON

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket.

I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a
spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the
spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they
concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any
other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with
that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the
kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.
Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his
pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an  extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and
while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed
that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed  that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked
the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not
everyone is as  observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned,
also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you
know... we can pull it out over the urinal  without touching it and
that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time
spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out,
how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice
even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


OFFICE RULES

If it rings, put it on hold;

If it clanks, call the repairman;

If it whistles, ignore it;

If it's a friend, take a break;

If it's the boss, look busy;

If it talks, take notes;

If it's handwritten, type it;

If it's typed, copy it;

If it's copied, file it;

If it's Friday, forget it!


Update Date Sept. 2,2000 

LACTOSE INTOLERANT

A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose
intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar).  At dinner that night with
his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had
found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them
what that meant.  

A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a
quick breakfast before shopping.  The place was very busy, but the
quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par.  When
they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at
her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the
waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast
intolerant." 


LITTLE FIREMAN

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire 
truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy 
is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. 
He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are  you doing?"

The little boy says  "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this 
is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that 
sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy 
has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", 
says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your 
fire truck, but if you  were to tie that rope around the
dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I
wouldn't have a siren!"


Update Date Sept. 3,2000 

SLOGAN
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and
was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the
friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't
leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom."


RELATIVES
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An 
earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede 
their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband 
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, 
"In-laws."


Update Date Sept. 4,2000

IN A HURRY

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses
and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the
glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them
straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man
says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender
backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!

PUNISHMENT

In a court case, a man was giving such unbelievable testimony 
that the judge warned him he was in danger of perjuring himself.  

"Are you aware," the judge asked, "of what will happen to you if 
you are caught lying under oath?"

"Yes, Your Honor," replied the witness.  "When I die, I'll go to hell."
   
"But what else?"

The puzzled man thought for a moment.  "You mean there's more?"

TWO MORE ELEMENTS DISCOVERED AND ADDED TO THE PERIODIC TABLE
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX

Element Name: WOMAN > Symbol: WO> Atomic Weight: (don't  even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze at anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if
mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity
with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when   left
alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly  green
when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.  Caution: Highly
explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN > Symbol: XY > Atomic Weight: (180 50) > Physical
properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of  shape easily.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure  sample.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed
with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by
saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.

Caution: In its absence, the WO element rapidly decomposes and begins  to
smell.


Update Date Sept. 5,2000

BALANCE
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet,"
replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's
going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" Inquired Michael, still
confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For
example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a
hot spot and the poles will be cold spots. Over there I've placed a continent
of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued,
pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid
hile this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass
and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and mountains.
The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they
are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world
as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God?  You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait
until you see the people I'm putting next to them
in Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana."

WAY TO GO

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything,
and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering
various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion.
The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the
heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was,
so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was
located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left
kneecap.

JEWBERISH
Submitted by Lee B.

The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second
language.  Backers of the move say the district is the first in the
nation to recognize Jewberish as the language of many American Jews.
Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Boca
Raton, Los Angeles and Scarsdale.

In Jewberish, questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"
Jewberish response: "How should I feel?"

Question: "Why do you always answer my question with a question?"
Jewberish response: "What do you want me to say?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun
has been used at the beginning:  "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The emphatic negative of words is made by adding "sh" to the front of a
word: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."
(mountains-shmountains / turtle-shmurtle)

These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Jewberish:

English: "He walks slowly"
Jewberish: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Jewberish: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Jewberish: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Jewberish: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."
Jewberish: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Jewberish: "You've hardly touched your food.  What's the matter,
something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Jewberish: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing"
Jewberish: "Mountains, shmountains!  Do I look like a
sled to you?


Update Date Sept. 6,2000

ALWAYS CHECK SPELLING

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old texts by hand.He notices, however,
that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So,
the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points
out that if there were an error in the firstcopy, that error would
be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."So, he goes down into
the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one ofthe monks goes
downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of
the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original
books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong,and in a choked
voice came the reply..."The word is celebrate."


HOW COME

One day 2 friends, Derek and Chris, were drinking and driving and flew
over a curve and both of them died. Derek went to heaven and Chris went to
hell. Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris
in hell. So Derek asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy
Chris. God says that would be alright so Derek goes down to hell and finds
Chris... to his amazement Chris isn't being tortured but has a beautiful
girl on his lap and a beer in his hand. Derek, furious, doesn't even talk
to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God, "How come
Chris has this beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven't got
any of that?"."Well",God says,"The beer has got a hole in it and the woman
doesn't!!"


Update Date Sept. 7,2000

DARE

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down
at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.   The waitress, who is
very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous
customers having lunch at the diner.   The man, who uses both
creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar
for his coffee.  The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being
before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.   As she passes the
cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate
down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both
her hands are full.   After she has served the two plates she was
holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did
you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them
into his cup.  "And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says,
"You wouldn't dare!"


THE UNDERWEAR
Submitted by Lee B.

White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton
walk  into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties wrapped around 
his arm.But they were used to the President's idiosyncrasies, so they let it 
go and went about their business.

As the day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in, and out of the Oval
Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of state. They
all left with puzzled expressions on their faces, but no one dared ask
the President why he had panties on his arm.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary, walked into the
office  between appointments and gently closed the door behind her.
"Mr. President," she said. "We've come to expect many unusual things
from you, but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a
pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean
more.....   trouble."

"Oh no," the President smiled, "it's The Patch. I'm trying to quit.


Update Date Sept. 8,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX


ALIBIS

This couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town
and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be
right back..."

"Where are you going, coochie coo...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,
etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of
saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar....you know...the frozen
glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by 
saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting
chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork, strips, etc...

"But, sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words 
and
all that..."

"You want swearing, cutie pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR 
FROZEN
FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING  SNACKS!  YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT,
ASSHOLE?!!"


EVERYTHING MELTS

Once upon a time there lived a king.  The king had a
beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what;
metal, wood, plastic anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her.  Nobody would dare
marry her. The king despaired.  What could he do to help his
daughter?  He consulted his wizards and magicians. One
wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The
king was overjoyed.  The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would
not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.  But
alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince
went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that
diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not
melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He
too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.  He told the princess, "Put
your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The
princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She
felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not
melt!!! The king was overjoyed.  Everybody in the kingdom
was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and
they both lived happily ever after.

Question:
What was the object in the prince's pants?

They were M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?


Update Date Sept. 9,2000

BLONDE KIDNAPPER

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided  to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground,  grabbed a kid, took him behind  a tree, and told him,
"I've kidnapped  you."

She then wrote a note saying:  "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent  him home
to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and
sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde
opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could
you do such a terrible thing to a fellow Blonde?"

BLONDE HANDYMAN

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.  She went
to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any
jobs for her to do.  "Well, you can paint my porch.  How much will you
charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her
that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"

The man replied, "She should.  She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and
I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde
added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Update Date Sept.10 ,2000

THE JEWISH WIFE

The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman
went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait,
a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted:
"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put
them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my
arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all
stay... BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big
diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck
you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should
want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but
adorn herself with the phony jewelry.

She replied: "I am not well.  When I die my husband will re-marry.
The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels."


WALKING

Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody
complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
 
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.  "My wife and
I were married 75 years ago.  On our wedding night, we made a 
solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved 
wrong would go outside and take a walk.  Gentlemen, I have been 
walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."


Update Date Sept.11,2000

COMPUTER TERMS

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer
to become obsolete.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work
at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.


HMO HUMOR
Submitted by Lee B.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test
results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and
we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible.

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"  Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has
tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for the Clap.  We
can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible!  Can we do the test over?" Receptionist:
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once.

" Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist:  "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in
the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."


Update Date Sept.12,2000

LITTLE JOHNNY AGAIN

Little Johnny has been bringing his drawings home from
kindergarten everyday since he started a month ago.  Each day
his mother admires the pictures and hangs them on the
refrigerator. One thing starts bothering her though. Little
Johnny only uses black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a
problem with her young son and not wanting to make it worse, she
decides to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately goes to work. He gives Johnny a
battery of psychological tests. He chats with Johnny. Everything
seems perfectly normal. Everyday for two weeks, the tests
continue. Yet everyday, little Johnny continues to bring home
drawings in only black and brown. Frustrated at not being able to
get to the root of the problem and fearful that something is
terrible wrong, the child psychologist decides to give little
Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens.

Little Johnny opens the box of crayons and says "oh boy! A new
box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones
left in mine are black and brown!"


PERJURY

In a court case, a man was giving such unbelievable testimony 
that the judge warned him he was in danger of perjuring himself.  

"Are you aware," the judge asked, "of what will happen to you if 
you are caught lying under oath?"

"Yes, Your Honor," replied the witness.  "When I die, I'll go to hell."
   
"But what else?"

The puzzled man thought for a moment.  "You mean there's more?"


Update Date Sept.13,2000

RIDDLES

Answers at the bottom.

1.  I am a protrusion that comes in any sizes. When
I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
What am I?

2.  I am spread before I am eaten. Your tongue gets
me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

3.  I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang
from me. I'm called a ig swinger. What am I?

4.  Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a
maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. What
am I?

5.  You stick your poles inside me. you tie me down to
get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?

6.  When I go in, I cause pain. I cause you to spit
and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What
am I?

7.  A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me first. What
am I?

8.  All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads
from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What
am I?

9.  I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
What am I?

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.It's my job to stuff
your box.When I come, it's news. what am I?

11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver. What am I?

13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I
plead and plead for it. What am I?




... well... here are the answers

1.  A Nose
2.  Peanut Butter
3.  A Crane
4.  The Titanic
5.  A Tent
6.  A Dentist
7.  A Wedding Ring
8.  An Elevator
9.  Chewing Gum
10. A Newspaper Boy
11. A Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney


LAWYER JOKES
Submitted bu Lee B.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of 
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke 
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo 
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an 
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a 
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you 
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and 
practicing law somewhere.


Update Date Sept.14,2000

DON'T OWE

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."


THE BALL

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around
the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client  places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few
strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does!"


Update Date Sept.15,2000
THE DAY OF THE BLONDE

BLONDE SUSIE

It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit
my girl friend, Susie.  Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but
sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.

Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead
of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself.

I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold
beer and some sandwiches.  When I arrived, I found Susie working
hard painting the kitchen walls.  But instead of wearing old clothes,
she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.

I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day.  She
brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions.
I did.  It said, "For best results, put on two coats."

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde was trying to find a job, and she was hired at the local M&M
factory as someone who checks to make sure all the M&Ms look okay.
All M&Ms that didn't look right were stuck in a bin.  Well, when the
manager came around to collect the bins he noticed that the blonde's
bin was completly filled with perfectly fine M&Ms. When he asked her
about it, the blonde replied, "Well, all thoughs M&Ms have W's on them."

AND ANOTHER

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all
worked together at an office.

Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.
So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss
left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to
bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went
home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde
went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and
saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going
home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early
again.

"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"


Update Date Sept.16,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX

THINGS MOM TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

MOTHER AND FATHER

A sailor on shore leave met a gal in a tavern.  After many
drinks, they went to a nearby tourist motel. Following a
weekend of passionate, non-stop love-making, the sailor
returned to his ship.  Several months later the sailor
received a letter from the young lady.  It was written in
the form of a poem.  It read :

M - is for the many times you made me
O - is for the other times you tried
T - is for that tourist cabin weekend
H - is for the Hell that's in your eyes
E - is for your everlasting passion
R - is for the 'wreck' you made of me

Put them all together they spell MOTHER, and that's just
what I'm going to be.
The sailor responded, also poetically;

F - is for your funny little letter
A - is for this answer to your note
T - is for your tearful occasion
H - is for the hope that I'm the goat
E - is for the ease with which I made you
R - is for the 'rube' you thought I'd be

Put THAT all together it spells FATHER, but you'll never
pin that rap on me...


Update Date Sept.17,2000
Submitted by Lee B.

PSYCHIATRY AND PROCTOLOGY

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town elders were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed:
"Hysterias and Posteriors."
The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
The town didn't like that either and countered with:
"Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions
began rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and Ass-holes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled
on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds & Ends."

THE RABBI'S BABIES

The Rabbi and his wife were expecting a baby.  The
Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a
raise.  After much consideration and  discussion,
they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family
expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get
expensive.  The  congregation decided to hold a
meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay
situation.
You can  imagine there was much yelling and
bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the
congregation - "Having  children  is an act of
God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a
full beard stood up  and in  his frail voice
said... "Point of information - snow and rain are
also  'acts  of God,' but when we get too much we
wear rubbers!"


Update Date Sept.18,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX

FALLING FROM HEAVEN

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are
greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives
of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one
chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel
without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up
under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash
your teeth." Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is
only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter
following behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over
towards Hugh and yells "Tits!!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls
down into Hell. St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You
have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy
looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you
must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you
do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell
where you will cry and gnash your teeth." They begin there long trek
down the tunnel. About half way down St. Peter leans over towards
Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.


WAKE UP STIFF

This man stops over to visit his grand parents, during a hot spell,
and finds his grand father standing in front of the air conditioner
without any pants on.

Man says: Gramps, what are you doing? You don't have any pants on."

Grandfather says "It's your Grand mothers idea"

"Yesterday it was so hot I stood here without my shirt, and woke up
with a stiff neck"


FACES

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day.
It was very hot.  They were sweating and exhausted when they
came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
clothes and jumped in the water.  Feeling refreshed, the
trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
"freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along
but a group of ladies from town.  Unable to get to their
clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their
privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for
cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on,
the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered
his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize."


Update Date Sept.19,2000

DEAR MOM
Submitted by Lee B.
Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the
mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's
mother and tell her he is okay.  He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps.  It was neat.
We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the
lightening. Our scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone.  Chad said he DID tell him but it was
during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow
up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our
clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.  We
will all be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.

It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked okay when
we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that with a car that old you have to
expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and
if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.  It gets pretty
hot with 10 people in the car.  He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy.  He is a good driver.  In fact, he
is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there
isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't
swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us
take the canoe across the lake.

It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about losing the life jackets.  He has to spend
a  lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any
trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Dave dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
works.  Wade and I threw up, but Walt said it was probably just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got sick that way
with food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything, we are fine.

Love, Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?


Update Date Sept.20,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth Texas

EXCITEMENT

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained
that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a
long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I
have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come
home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I
arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and
you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My 
husband's
home! My husband's home!"


MOVE MY ...

Little Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME; then tells his
buddy Roy to get his fire-wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Little
Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone: Her sign says WE MOVE 
ANYTHING
FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her fire-wagon and both sit in Kathy's 
yard.

Johnny's pissed...how dare that GIRL? Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy
across the street..."let's get some laughs"....

Little Johnny--Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?

Kathy--Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you.

Little Johnny--Roy, give me your nickel!...takes it and hands it to Kathy.

Kathy--What you want moved, boy?

Little Johnny--Move my BOWELS!...and starts laughing.

Kathy thinks for a few seconds...and turns to her girlfriend.. "Nellie, hold
this nickel while I beat the shit out of this kid."


FANTASTIC

Two friends from the old country, were conversing on the
porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami
Beach.

The first woman says, "When my first child was born, my
husband built me this beautiful mansion."

The second woman says, "Fantastic."

The first woman continues, "When my second child was born,
my husband bought me a brand new Cadillac."

Again, the second woman says, "Fantastic."

The first woman boasts, "When my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman comments, "Fantastic."

The first woman then asks her companion, "What did your
husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The 2nd woman replies, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cries, "What for?"

"So instead of saying 'Who gives a shit', I learned to say,
'Fantastic!'"


Update Date Sept.21,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth Texas

THE REPORTER

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is
attacked by a Rottweiler.  Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a
board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists,
breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.  "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious
animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

"'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the
reporter as he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter askes.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck
bastard kills family pet!"


OLYMPIC SWIMMER

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted
to marry her right away.  She said, "But we don't know
anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as
we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a
honeymoon to a very nice resort.  One morning they were
laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed
up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife
position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a
knife.  After a few more demonstrations, he came back and
lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.  You see,
I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went
along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on
her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible!  Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both
sides of the canal.


Update Date Sept.22,2000

NEWSPAPERS
Submitted by Baby O.

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who
run the country.
 
2. The New York Times is read by people who think
they run the country.
 
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think
they ought to run the  country.
 
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought
to run the country but don't understand the 
Washington Post.
 
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who
wouldn't mind running the  country, if they 
could spare the time.
 
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents
used to run the country.
 
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who
aren't too sure who's running the country.
 
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't
care who's running the country, as long as they 
do something scandalous.
 
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who
aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is 
running it.
 
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are
running another country.

WRONG ADDRESS

I had just moved into a new apartment and was having 
problems with the mailman, who was delivering the 
previous tenant's mail to my address.

Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on 
the mailbox, but he still kept giving me the wrong letters.  
Finally, I left a note saying that he was delivering the 
mail incorrectly. 

The next day I went to the box to find this addition to 
my message: "Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. 
You're just living at the wrong address."


Update Date Sept.23,2000

EXCUSES

Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you
take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or
don't do), like eating, they might look like this list:

1. I was forced to eat as a child.
2. People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren't really hungry.
3. There are so many different kinds of food, I can't decide what to eat.
4. I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends will eat with me.
7. I'll start eating when I get older.
8. I don't really have time to eat.
9. I don't believe that eating does anybody any good. It's just a crutch.
10. Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.

HURRY

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on
this trip. All of you males, take off your penis and hand it  to my sons. I
will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get
your penis back." 

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage,
and was very excited, "Quick!", he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out
the window to see if there is any land  out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got on to
his shoulders, looked out the window,  and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!", said Mr. Rabbit. This went on  every day until Mrs. Rabbit got
fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What's the matter with you? You know it
will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will
we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit
with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE
HORSE'S RECEIPT.


Update Date Sept.24,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX

PLAYING WITH TRAINS

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living
room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last
stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your
asses  in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."  The mother
went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this
house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for
TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your  train, but I want you to
use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom
and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stops and the
mother hears her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the
train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We
thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant
one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."  Then she hears the
little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the bitch in the kitchen."

THE BALLERINA

This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks
into a bar.  She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit
as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man
out there will buy a lady a drink?"  The whole bar goes dead silent,
as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar
and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"  The
bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.  After she's
completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around
at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man
out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps
his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender!  I'd like to buy the
ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the
little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady
a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"  The drunk replies,
"Sir!  In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got
to be a ballerina!"


Update Date Sept.25,2000


NO EXCUSE SUNDAY'

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are
proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'

1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,'Sunday is my
only day to sleep in.'

2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof will
cave in if I ever came to church.'

3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and
fans for those who say it is too hot.

4.There will be hearing aids for those who say, 'The paster speaks
too softly,' and cotton for those who say, 'He preaches too loudly.'

5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the
hypocrites present.

6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to
go visiting on Sunday.

7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and
cook dinner too.

8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who
like to golf on Sunday.

PIG

All of the farmers in a small town had gathered together to discuss some
important issues.  About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the
farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

One of the farmers, attempting to show the woman to be ignorant on the
subject of farming, stood up and said, "What does she know about anything?
I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count
them yourself!"


Update Date Sept.26,2000

BETTER

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he 
was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. 

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears
in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. 
We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn,
don't carry on.  The pastor who takes my place might be even better 
than me".

"Yeah", she said "That's what they said the LAST time too!!!"


THE JUDGE

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a
fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk
guy to jail.

The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man,
'Where do you work?'

The man said, 'Here and there.'

The judge asked the man, 'What do you do for a living?'

The man said, 'This and that.'

The judge then said, 'Take him away.'

The man said, 'Wait, judge, when will I get out?'

The judge said to the man, 'Sooner or later'


Update Date Sept.27,2000

BLONDE Q&A

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: Pull up their pants.

Q: Why do blondes like cars with sun-roofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: How do blondes get chocolate chips for cookies?
A: They take the shells of M&Ms.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on top of her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: Why can't blondes make kool-aid?
A: They can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in the little
package.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why do blondes walk on their tippy-toes?
A: Hot air rises.


WORRIED
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth,TX.

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received 
a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care 
of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained 
her major worry.

"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on 
to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."


Update Date Sept.28,2000

THE SNAKE

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well
these days."

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him
to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's
very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem?  Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been
living with a water hose the past 2 years!"


POLICE QUOTES

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out 
after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can 
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it 
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that 
again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are 
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but 
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."


Update Date Sept.29,2000

MEN ARE LIKE (obviously by a woman)
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their
crap.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need
dough.

Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom.

Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them
around.

Men are like ... Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... Soap Operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... Old Car Tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a
spare.

Men are like ... Plastic Wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.

Men are like ... Department Stores
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw, they lose interest

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night
long.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a
lifetime.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get,
or how long he will last.


BROWN

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "howdy,
ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N.  Ah'm from Dallas, Texas.
Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall.  Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th'
tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and
showed him onto the plane.  He sat down in his seat, and turned to the
fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh.  My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N.
Ah'm from Dallas, Texas.  Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall.  Ah'm white from
th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do.  My name is
Patrick Michael O'Donnell.  I'm from Dublin, Ireland.  I'm 5-foot 6-
inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me
toes, except for my rectum, which is brown.  Spelled B-R-O-W-N."


Update Date Sept.30,2000

DRUNK STORY

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked
into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of
Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage
three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the
thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
BASTARD!!!!"


DRUNK STORY II

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.
The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has
her finger in his butt, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the
night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too
drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him
puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait'll I switch this finger to his mouth."


Update Date Oct.1, 2000


PLOWING

Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm.  
He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing.  After 
several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a 
drink.

"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?"  Grandma asked.
   
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out or putting 
it back, but we're making it wider."


NEVER INTERFERE

A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the
check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over
and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect.

The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was
indeed correct.

"Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?" he huffed.

"Oh sir... Not in the least... I never interfere with nature."


Update Date Oct.2, 2000

DRUNK STORY III

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good
samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On
the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his
house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more
times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"


DRUNK STORY IV

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his
second drink and said, "What's wrong pal ?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife
threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to
me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow !" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy ? That sounds
like quite a gift to me."

"Well..." Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her
Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."


Update Date Oct.3, 2000

KNOWS

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched
backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.

"One thing about John," his buddy said to the bartender,
"he knows when to stop."

TURN

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in
a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION
ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted in front of my
wife."

The drunks replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."


Update Date Oct.4, 2000

GRANDMA

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' 
house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say 
their prayers. The youngest one began praying at the top of his 
lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW 
NINTENDO.  I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother 
and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"


LETTER TO GOD

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through
her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed
as follows:
	GOD
	c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a
little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life.
She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God
could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat
among her workmates.  She managed to collect $90, and she
sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the
same way to God, so the young lady opened it.  The letter
read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it.
However, I received only $90.  It must have been those
bastards at the post office."


Update Date Oct.5, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

BEST MEMORY

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First
Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery
School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's
nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my
father, and coming home with my mother."

TALKING ABOUT SPORTS

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. 
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. 
He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500.
Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your
husband." She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an
Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."


Update Date Oct.6, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

IN CONTEMPT 

A small town prosecuting attorney called the first witness to stand in a

trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and asked

"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded,  "Why yes, I do know you

Mr. Williams.  I've known you since you were a young boy.  And frankly,

you have been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your

wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You

think you are a rising big star lawyer when you haven't the brains to

realize that you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."  The prosecuting attorney was stunned.  Embarassed and

not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.

Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why yes I do.

I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too.  I used to baby-sit

him for his parents.  And he too, has been a real disappointment to me.  He is

lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.  The man can't build a normal

relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in

the entire state.  Yes I know him."  At this point, the judge rapped the court

room into silence and called both counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet

voice, he said with menace, "If either of you ask her if she knows me, I will

hold you in contempt of court!!"


GOOD APPETITE

They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was
handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye -
very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would
like to eat.

She scanned the menu yet again, and said "To begin, I'll have two champagne
cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle
soup.  As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant
under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips.  For dessert, just
bring the cart.

Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of
this, he asked, "Tell me.  Do you eat this well at home too?"

"Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."


Update Date Oct.7, 2000

SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM
Submitted by Lee B.

      During the last holiday season, many Individuals expressed concern
      over the seating arrangements in the synagogue.
      In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit
      you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire
      and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

      1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)

                   ___ Talking section
                   ___ No talking section

      2.  If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order
          of interest:)

                    ___ Stock market
                    ___ Medicine
                    ___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
                    ___ General gossip
                    ___ Specific gossip (choose:)
                         ___ The rabbi
                         ___ The cantor
                         ___ The cantor's voice
                         ___ The cantor's wife
                         ___ The cantor's wife's voice
                         ___ The rabbi
                         ___ The rabbi's "secretary"
                         ___ Fashion news
                         ___ What others are wearing
                         ___ Why they look awful
                         ___ Your neighbors
                         ___ Your relatives
                         ___ Your neighbors' relatives
                         ___ Presidental Election
                         ___ Sex (Preference:______________________)
                         ___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
                         ___Other:_______________________________

      3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free
         professional advice?

                     ___ Doctor
                     ___ Dentist
                     ___ Nutritionist
                     ___ Psychiatrist
                     ___ Child psychiatrist
                     ___ Mother in law
                     ___ Podiatrist
                     ___ Chiropractor
                     ___ Stockbroker
                     ___ Accountant
                     ___ Lawyer
                     ___ Criminal
                     ___ Civil
                     ___ Real estate agent
                     ___ Architect
                     ___ Plumber
                     ___ Buyer (Specify store:_______________________ )
                     ___ Sexologist
                     ___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish  One]
                     ___ Other:____________________________

      4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)

                        ___ On the aisle
                        ___ Near the exit
                        ___ Near the window
                        ___ In Aruba
                        ___ Near the bathroom
                        ___ Near my in-laws
                        ___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
                        ___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
                        ___ Near the pulpit
                        ___ Near the Kiddush table
                        ___ Near single men
                        ___ Near available women
                        ___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
                        ___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
                        ___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon[additional charge]

      5.  (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
                        ___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza (curtain separating the sexes)
                        ___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
                        ___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
                        ___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

      6.  Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
            (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining 
			another congregation.)
             _________________________
             _________________________
             _________________________
             _________________________
             _________________________

               Your name:_________________________________
               Building fund pledge: $_______________________
	
			   
WOMEN ARE HEALTHIER
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to
getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to
getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able
to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get
these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't 
had a headache in years...."


Update Date Oct.8, 2000

GROAN
Submitted by Baby O.

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jock, who
was  very interested in making a penny where he 
could, so he often would thin down paint to make
it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some
time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to 
do a big restoration job on the roof of one
their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and
because his price was so competitive, he got the job.
And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting
the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying 
the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning
it down with the turpentine .Well, Jock was up on 
the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, 
and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the 
thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock 
fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the
gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the
thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from
the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: 
"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke
 ...	
"Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"		


RUSSIAN COURTESY
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take
a leak very badly.  After a long search he just couldn't
find anyplace to relieve himself.  So he just went down one
of the side streets to take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer
said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.

"You can't go here.  Look, follow me," the policeman
offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots
of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.  "Here," said
the cop, "whiz away."

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the
flowers. "Ahhh.  Whew.  Thanks.  This is very nice of you. Is
this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No.  This is the American Embassy."



Update Date Oct.9, 2000

SURE IS

An old couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone
rang. The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to
answer the phone. His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said,
"Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and
went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?"
again and then he said, "Sure is." again. He hung up the receiver and
went back to bed. The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn't
know.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and
went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?"
Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn't know who
it was. The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say? He said,
"It's odd, a woman just keeps saying: "Long distance from Chicago..."


COUPON HEAVEN

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket 
clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently 
missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the 
scale and was gone. 

The checker looked distressed, so the woman said, 
"That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now." 

"Coupon heaven?", the checker said. 
"Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go 
when they die." 

"Only the redeemed ones!", said the checker.


Update Date Oct.10, 2000

TEST

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100
men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional,
and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

LIKE HER

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for
some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her,
placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and
explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly
like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass!" she screamed.

Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."


Update Date Oct.11, 2000

SITTING BACKWARDS

Jill came home from her first day commuting 
into the city.  Her mother noticed she was 
looking a little peaked and asked, 
"Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," Jille replied.  "I'm nauseous 
from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said.  "Why didn't you ask 
the person sitting across from you to switch 
seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," replied Jill, "there was no one 
there."

PAIN

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, 
including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.  I think I'm going to
have a wife."


LAST REQUEST

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 
"Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.    

"Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Joe."
"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

With his last breath, John said, "I do!"



Update Date Oct.12, 2000

HOW DARE

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly
asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor.

"Sure thing, son." replied the bellboy.

"How dare you call me son!!" exclaimed the outraged man.

"Well," replied the boy... "I brought you up, didn't I?"


PLURAL

A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, 
so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was 
that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.

He started the letter:  "To whom it may concern, I need two 
Mongeese." No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it 
may concern, I need two Mongooses."  Is that right? Finally, 
he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, 
and while you're at it, send me another one."


Update Date Oct.13, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

VIRGIN NUNS

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led
by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.

"Who is this?" asks the padre.

"Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe"

"And this portrait?"

"That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi"

"Who is this third one?"

"That is the Virgin of Ishia"

"And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"

"Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."


REJECTION FACTOR

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before
she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor,
I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"


The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely
good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the
business?"


The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18
years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"


"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and
hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"


KEYS

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon
entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient
angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer
this simple question." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the
first girl.


"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was
still virgin even after I got married."


"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden
key."


"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.


"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married
but was not after I got married."


"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver
key."


"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.


"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every
guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".


"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl.........my
room key."


Update Date Oct.16, 2000

SHORTIES

A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past
a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a
woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and
shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"


"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"


"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she's
unconscious!"


"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks


"Between the first and second holes."


"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave
much room for stitches!"

UPSET
      
"I'm so upset," said Hershberg to a rabbi. "I took my son-in-law
into my clothing business and yesterday I caught him kissing one
of the models!"


"Have a little patience!" advised the rabbi. "After all, guys will
be guys. So he kissed one of the models, it's not so terrible."


"But you don't understand," said Hershberg. "I make men's clothes!"

FIGHT

A mother discovered her little daughter fighting with the boy next
door. After parting them she lectured her little girl.

"Next time," she admonished, "I don't want you hitting back at
little Waldemar. Remember you are a lady.  Outtalk him."


Update Date Oct.17, 2000

ARGUMENT
      
A husband and wife were arguing.

Joan: Name one thing in which you admit that my family scores
      over your family.

Mike: Your in-laws are better than my in-laws.

THE WALK

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend:"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome -
those people walk just like that,"

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached
the old man and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we 
couldn't
agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."

Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "so what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but I was
wrong."


Update Date Oct.18, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

CLINTON AND LEWINSKY JOKES

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo are having
drinks in Paris.
The waiter asks " L'aperitif?"
All of them answer  "Oui!"
The waiter looks at  Zedillo "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"
The waiter looks at  Yeltsin "Le vodka?"
Yeltsin:  "Oui!"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le whisky?"
Clinton:  "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!!!"



The latest development in the Clinton - Lewinsky intrigue is
that Monica had coughed up yet another piece of evidence!

In the year 2000 we will all remember Mr. Clinton as "The
President who followed Bush"

At Monica Lewinski's birthday, Clinton showed up at her
doorstep dressed as a cand