Just Jokes Part 1
- THE OLD LADY AND THE LEXUS
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she
brought it back, complaining that the radio was not
working. "Madam" ,said the sales manager, "the audio system in
this car is completely automatic.
All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to,
and you will hear exactly that!"
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused She
looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio
responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding
down the highway to the sounds of "On the road
again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven,
that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
Suddenly, at a traffic light, her's turned
green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of
her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding
toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on
collision.
"ASSHOLE", she muttered. And, from the radio........"Ladies and
gentlemen, the President of the United States..."
- THE FRIENDLY SKIES
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny. She made her point, when confronted with a passenger who
probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old
Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent
was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST
CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without
hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to gate 17."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you." Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand
in line for that, too."
- BRAVEST MEN IN THE COUNTRY
Admiral McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his
colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie
arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk
around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?" "Very well
trained, Admiral McKenzie." "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy
are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the
country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too." "I'd like to see that." So Marshall
calls private Cooper and says: "Private Cooper! I want you to stop that
tank coming here with your body!" "Are you fucking crazy? It'd kill me,
you asshole! I'm out of here!" As private Cooper ran off, Marshall turned
to a bewildered McKenzie and said: "You see? You have to be pretty damn
brave to talk like that to a general."
- IT'S ALL IN THE HEADLINE
Your cub reporter reminds me of the cub reporter that covered a story about
an attack on a woman by an escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with
the story and a headline of "Woman raped, mental patient escapes". The
editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's
attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees".
The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline
like that, go back and try again. Much later he came back with "Nut screws
and bolts".
- THE RIDE
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that
there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy
said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane
this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives,
but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha
fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
- ======================================================
(*~` What's more FUN than SUCKING an EGG?? `~*)
Quick Wit:
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already
full.
- OSCAR
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store.
He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his
regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily
greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he
needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!
I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate
number!"
- 50th Anniversary
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding
anniversary, so they decided to return to
the little town where they first met. They
sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were
telling the waitress about their love
for each other and how they met at
this same spot.
Sitting next to them was the
local cop and he smiled as the old
couple spoke. After the waitress
left the table, the old man said to his
wife, "Remember the first time we
made love, it was up in that field across
the road, when I put you against the
fence. Why don't we do it again for
old times sake? The wife giggled
like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."
So off they went out the door and
across to the field. The cop smiled to
himself, thinking how romantic
this was and decided he better keep an eye
on the couple so they didn't run into
any harm. The old couple walked to
the field and as they approached the fence
they began to undress. The old man
picked up his wife when they were
naked and leaned her against the
fence.The cop was watching from the bushes and was
surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of
youth, the wife bounced up
and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed
around like a wild man, then
they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually, they stood up,
shook themselves, and got dressed. As they
walked back towards the road,
the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said,
"That is the most wonderful
love making I have ever seen." "You must have
been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," said the old man, "when we were
young, that fence wasn't electric."
- The First Affair
-----------------
There was a middle-aged couple who had
two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-
aged daughters. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant
and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his
new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he has ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no
way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have
you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".
- The Second Affair
--------------------------
A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine the dead bodies
before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician,
"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously
huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to
remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe,"
he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
- The Third Affair
---------------------
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in
the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and
then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so
much, I got one for us too." No more was
said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of
bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."
- The Fourth Affair
-----------------------
A man walks into a bar one night. He
goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." ONE PENNY!"
exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy
glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice
juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, "but all that comes
to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4
cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies
"Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your
wife?"...
... The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm
doing to his business."
- THE OLD MAN
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about
75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J. C. Penney and he was
sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said: "I have a 22
Year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets
up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
brewed coffee.
I said: Well, then why are you crying? He said, "She makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes
love to me half the afternoon.
I said: "Well so why are you crying? He said: "For dinner she
makes me a gourmet meal with wine and favorite dessert and then makes
love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said: Well, why in the world would you be crying?
He said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"
- THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY
Nothing confuses a man more than driving behind a woman who does everything
right!
_________________________________________________
- The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist
camp.
"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your
eyes?"
"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.
_________________________________________________
-
A newly wed couple are getting ready for their first night in bed. He
leans over and kisses his new blonde bride ever so gently and says,
"Sweetheart, I don't ever want you to think you are being pressured into
sex. I have a set of signals for you to use to let me know when you are
really ready to make love". She replies, "Oh, honey, you are so wise.
what are they"? "Well", he says, "Whenever you want to make love, reach
over and grab my penis and give it a gentle tug. And whenever you don't
want to make love, reach over and give it 100 tugs".
_______________________________________________
-
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is
there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting
on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a
field.
Ten years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door.
He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he
finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says,
"What the fuck was that all about?"
________________________________________________
-
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His
buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70
years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to
his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years
you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. " To tell you the truth, I forgot her
name about ten years ago."
_________________________________________________
-
Irv Shapiro walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Oy, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on
your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the
bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
Irv seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a
bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face.
"Didn't my advice work?" asked the doctor.
"Oy veh! It worked fine! For the past several weeks I've enjoyed
some of the best sex of my life with the most fabulous
looking women."
"So what's the problem???"
"Can you convince my wife!?"
______________________________________________________
-
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to
complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this
all the time.
"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
________________________________________________________
-
A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a
man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock
and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man,
gratefull as he is, tells the king that he's really a great
sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.
The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be
immortal", the sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done." The king takes
a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK,
then I want my horse to be immortal." The sorcerer replies "Puff,
it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing
happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The
sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done".
The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his
castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the
horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but
the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the
knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then
the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies
"That's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops
his pants. Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud
"Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."
_________________________________________________
-
A man goes with his wife to the doctor's office. Shortly after
she goes into the examination room, the doctor comes out
and says to the husband, "I don't like the way your wife looks
at all."
The husband says, "Well, Doc, neither do I to be honest. But
she's a great lil' homemaker and real good with the kids."
_______________________________________________
-
Q.Why do women marry men?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawns and take out the garbage!
__________________________________________________
- MUTTERINGS BY MARY:
There are many little signs that you may use to show your lover how you
feel about him. Using subtle little indications can often speak volumes
for you. For example, the smell of smoke coming from the pile of his
burning clothes can alert him to the fact that you are unhappy with him.
-------------------------------------------------------
SMILE....It's the second BEST thing you can do with your lips!!!!
________________________________________________
To be loved, be loveable
Thoughts for the day.............
__________
most people I meet lately are like one of those "idiot savants,"
except without the "savant" part.
_________________
- The boss came in and asked the new secretary,
"Linda, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?"
"No," she replied.
"Great! Let's have lunch."
__________________________________________
- After a heart-transplant operation, Myrddin was receiving
instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied
tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours' sleep a night.
Finally, Myrddin asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it
be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor, "We don't want you to
get too excited."
____________________________________________
- Helpful Hint
If you encounter someone choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and hey
presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
____________________________________________
- At a bar in New York, the man to Jeff's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Jeff replies: "Jeff, MARRIED."
___________________________________________
- This guy comes home dead tired from working
a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says
"What would you do if I told you that you had a
beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
_______________________________________________
- A recent study showed the average husband only actually speaks to
his wife about 37 minutes each week. Well, yeah, I can believe that.
I mean, just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear"
or "I'm sorry"?
____________________________________________________
- Jackie walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "Is it true that if I get
divorced, I'm entitled to half of my husband's possessions?"
"In most cases," answers the lawyer, "it is true. Are you getting a
divorce?"
"Not yet," Jackie replies. "First, I've got to get married."
_________________________________________________
- Jill walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the
fact that they are about to be audited during the coming month. Says the
first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!"
"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead. "Guys, I am
about to be f*cked beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the
third guy in anguish. Just then, one of the guys notices Jill who has been
standing there listening. She now has a very thoughtful look on her face.
"Are you OK?" asks the guy.
"Yes," replies Jill, "but I was wondering... How do I go about getting
audited?"
___________________________________________________
- DOES THE CARTOON YOUR CHILD WATCHES REALLY HAVE A HIDDEN MESSAGE? . . . . .
Move over Tinky Winky, you're nothing compared to .....
- Bamm Bamm ..... A fine example of steroid abuse.
- Tom and Jerry ..... A male cat continuously chasing around a male mouse.
- Snagglepuss ..... Come on, this is not a name for a male anything!
- Yogi ............. Loves to have a picnic basket in the park. Need I say more?
- Astro ..... A name you definitely don't want a four year old trying to pronounce. Bad!
- Peanuts ..... A gang if I ever saw one!
- Scoobie Doo ..... Yet another influential gang.
- Bugs Bunny ...... He always has a long rounded carrot in his mouth.Hmmmm.
- Sylvester ..... The lisp, man, the lisp!
- Popeye ..... Substance abuse big time.
- The Pink Panther ..... Pink?
- Puss n' Boots ..... Just downright disgusting!
_________________________________________________________
- MUTTERINGS BY MARY:
I think my last boyfriend didn't really believe I'd kick him out until he
discovered that the TV, the couch, and the bed were missing. Until then
he'd just thought I was rearranging the furniture.
- Those Are Some Cute Babies
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for
a train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started
asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father
are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom
salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my
company."
- MAN TO PSYCHIATRIST: "You have to help me, Doctor. I'm starting to believe
I'm a woman."
PSYCHIATRIST: "Why do you think that?"
MAN: "It was something my gynecologist said to me the other day."
_______________________________________
- JUST THE FACTS, MAN: Police in Honolulu, Hawaii, responding to an apartment
after a "911" call, were greeted by Denny Usui, 28. They asked to see his
grandmother, who lived there, but he told them she wasn't home. After
insisting they needed to talk to her, he changed his story, officers say.
"Oh, I think she's dead," he told the cops. "She's in the shower." Officers
found her, dead, "neatly covered" by a blanket. Usui reportedly told them,
"Idon't want to say anything else until I speak to my attorney because this is
a felony and I never committed a murder before." (Honolulu Star-Bulletin)
...If you give up your right to remain silent, anything you say can and will
be used against you as soon as we finish laughing.
- BRING ME MEN: U.S. Air Force 1st Lt. Ryan Berry, 26, says he should not have
to work with women. Berry is assigned to a nuclear missile silo at North
Dakota's Minot Air Force Base. The job requires two officers to be present
to launch missiles in case of war. His commanders tried to accommodate his
wishes until fellow officers complained about the special treatment Berry
was getting. Berry, who is married and describes himself as a devout Roman
Catholic, says he cannot work alone with a woman on the typical 24-hour
shifts underground because such "close quarters can tempt a man to sin."
...If he has no willpower, do we really want him to hold the keys to nukes?
_________________________________________________________
- A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a
message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn
school!"
She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the
blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."
___________________________________________________________
- "I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every
evening at home."
"That's what I called love."
"No, the doctor called it paralysis."
__________________________________________________________
- My wife told me of a book about finding the G spot. I went
to a bookstore. I couldn't even find the book ... My wife
bought it for me. There were no pictures, maps, or diagrams.
It just said it was about two-thirds of the way in. Great.
Compared to who? --Robert Schimmel
Thought For The Day
This ISN'T Burger King, and YOU CAN'T have it your way.
_____________________________________
New word for today....
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & an asshole.
________________________________________
- MAN TO PSYCHIATRIST: "You have to help me, Doctor. I'm starting to believe
I'm a woman."
PSYCHIATRIST: "Why do you think that?"
MAN: "It was something my gynecologist said to me the other day."
______________________________________________
- JUST THE FACTS, MAN: Police in Honolulu, Hawaii, responding to an apartment
after a "911" call, were greeted by Denny Usui, 28. They asked to see his
grandmother, who lived there, but he told them she wasn't home. After
insisting they needed to talk to her, he changed his story, officers say.
"Oh, I think she's dead," he told the cops. "She's in the shower." Officers
found her, dead, "neatly covered" by a blanket. Usui reportedly told them,
"I don't want to say anything else until I speak to my attorney because this is
a felony and I never committed a murder before." (Honolulu Star-Bulletin)
...If you give up your right to remain silent, anything you say can and will
be used against you as soon as we finish laughing.
_______________________________________________________________
- A young boy handed a bank teller a check made out for 1 cent and
said,"Please cash this check." The teller looked at it and asked the
boy,"How do you want it- heads or tails?"
_______________________________________________________
- The Alabama Jumper
A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup
truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below.
The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, "Hey
fellow, why are you doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have
nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and
father!" The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years
back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E.
Lee!" The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump you stupid yankee, jump!"
____________________________________________________________
- Q: What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A: The Spice Girls!
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A: A genealogist looks up the family tree.
A gynecologist looks up the family bush.
Q: What do you call two skunks doing a 69?
A: Odor eaters!
Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?
A: To meet chicks.
Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches. A peeping Tom watches 20
snatches.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or 20
redhead?
A: The blonde --- she's eighteen.
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Because they go and answer the door.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and blowing bubbles.
Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go,
they take your house and car with them.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton do right after she shaves her pussy?
A: She sends him to work.
Q: What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
A: Slow
Q: What's the difference between Pee Wee Herman and OJ?
A: It only took twelve jerks to get OJ off.
Q: What do you call it when a women talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute
Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and
injures his nose.
____________________________________________________________
- A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he
doesn't get a new heart soon.
The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the
best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the
doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts
but they are all expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and
implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner,
never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak
condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of
course. But it costs $100,000!'
The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the
doctor to tell him about the second donor.
'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer,
high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head
on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three
packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never
exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for
$500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so
expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer...
so it was never used!'
_______________________________________________________
- Quick Wit:
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
________________________
- Random Thoughts
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
______________________________________________
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
_______________________________________________
I am in shape. Round's a shape!
_______________________________________________
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
_______________________________________________
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
_______________________________________________
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
_______________________________________________
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster is a maniac.
_______________________________________________
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles
a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
_______________________________________________
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
_______________________________________________
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.
_______________________________________________
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three.
_______________________________________________
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
________________________________________________
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains; a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get
rid of the body before you do the wash.
_______________________________________________
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too."
____________________________________
- Thought For The Day
All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.
__________________________________________
- Insults
*Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
*As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
*Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
*How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
*I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would
eat.
*I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not
listening.
*If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.
*Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a
palm.
*Who am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
________________________________________________________________
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
__________________________________________________________________
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples
of what was not good to put in one`s mouth.
Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit lightbulb in one`s mouth."
The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers "I don`t know, but my mom always tells my dad
"turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
____________________________________________________________________
- Prior to her trip to Texas, Linda had confided to her sorority sisters
she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State.
She had wanted to taste some real Texas Barbecue, take in a bona fide
Texas Rodeo and have sex with a Texan.
Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you," she confided, "they have an indigenous bush down
there called Mesquite - and when they slow cook that brisket over that
mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is
beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes!
These guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain. Except they ride
a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the
horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the
ground, and tie 'em up. And that's not all! It's a race! They ALL do it
and only the fastest gets prize money!"
"Linda! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan!
What happened?"
"Well," Linda admitted, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at
the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of
those
Texan's jeans, I changed my mind!"
__________________________________________________________
- * Hot tub tips for women
Vol. 1 - Etiquette
It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then
scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby"
Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not
Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but
don't spoil things by making snide remarks like "I've seen bigger wangs
on Hamsters"
It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas
Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your
vibrator as a toy submarine
____________________________________________________________
- An 80 year old Jewish man was having an annual physical. As the doctor
was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doc, "you have
a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke ?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink
in excess? "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Vell, Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to
give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Vhich
half...the LOOKING or the THINKING ???"
____________________________________________________________________
- * The ABC's of Ex Wives
A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.
C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized
for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi ... someone you could actually say had lost weight without
having to lie.
H is for House ... which the bitch also got.
I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child
support is late.
J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids ... the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother F*cker!!!!!!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're
retaining water." ...what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."
Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and
who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong ... which you always were.
X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her
iamonds were Cubic Zirconium.
______________________________________________________
- Myrddin sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his
hands.
When the bartender comes back, the guy is swearing softly under his breath
and shaking his head.
"Hey Myrddin, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
"I'm in DEEP SHIT," Myrddin repies. "I just got caught screwing my
neighbor."
"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"
"No," said Myrddin, "HIS wife!"
_________________________________________________
- "Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair.
"I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"
asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live
like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow!"
___________________________________________________
- DID YOU KNOW????
There are 10 doctors in the U.S. with the last name of
Nurse. There are 18 doctors in the US called Dr.Doctor, and one called Dr.
Surgeon. There is also a dermatologist named Dr. Rash, a psychiatrist
called Dr. Couch and an anesthesiologist named Dr. Gass.
________________________________________________________
- Useless Facts (and in parentheses the commentary supplied by one of my long
time subscribers XianLongWu)
* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Unless you happen
to be the reincarnation of Sam Kinison...then that time is reduced by half.)
* The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet. (and just what sadistic moron tested THIS one?
Hmm?)
* A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Looking at this one from the
male
perspective...considering the pain that accompanies a rather, prolonged,
orgasm.....OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUCH!)
* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (If you
have
the time and stupidity to bang your head on a wall for an hour...then it's
time well spent. Keep up the good work. Oh! One other thing...my fence
needs
fixing...here's some nails while your at it.)
* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(heh
heh....GO FLIPPER!!!)
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (Talk about a
priority mix-up.)
* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (And don't you wish
some of these people had weaker ones?)
* You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. (Unless you're a
blonde.)
* Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. (OK...they
measured out the pizza...but what about the beer most commonly associated
with it?)
* Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
(Stamp
diet anyone?)
* You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a
poisonous spider. (Makes you think twice about New Year's Eve don't it?)
* Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do. (So what about the ambidextrous ones?)
* In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes. (Aren't you glad we have razors
now?)
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. (A couple of million years
and
still can't do it. Seems evolution is not without a sense of humor :-P )
* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (Ever
heard the phrase "2 left feet"? Multiply this by 3...and you still get a useless
piece of information that has no bearing on the real world)
* The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds; that makes the catfish rank #1
for animal having the most taste buds. (could you imagine having to count
all those things? How about LOSING COUNT??)
* The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field. (FLUBBER!!)
* A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves
to death. (This does not however include killing itself by running into
stuff because it CAN'T SEE!)
* The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Makes
one
glad he is human.)
* Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Makes one sad he is not a lion.)
* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Makes sense when your tongue is a
STRAW!)
* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (Bet the grounds real
happy about that.)
* A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (Um....bored much?)
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (Kinda puts a whole new
meaning to 'bird-brain' doesn't it?)
____________________________________________
- "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart
failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right
about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels
on
Goliath'."
____________________________________________________
- A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his
finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.
"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?"
"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"
___________________________________________________
So...Onto the jokes!
__________________________________
1...Drunk
2...Planning For The Future
3...Chinese Private Detective
4...Castrated
5...How To Write A Term Paper
.DRUNK
- A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of
the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to
blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I
can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad
asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to
give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I
do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I
do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you
to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to walk. "
Maybe this is what happened to the man...
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I
empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After
careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with
the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and
poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which
I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did
likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey
down the sink, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle
down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I
pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of
it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next
glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with
the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything
emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks,
bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the
houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in
one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
_____________________________________________
2...PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE
A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills.
The conversation turned to remarriage...
Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry?
Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life
alone.
Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have
shared?
Husband: I don't see why not. It would be empty, you wouldn't be
there.
Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared?
Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed...
Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes?
Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice.
Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: No way, Linda is left handed.
_____________________________________________
3...CHINESE PRIVATE DETECTIVE
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous
Chinese
detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might
develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
________________________________________________
4...CASTRATED
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." Doc says,
"Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are,
but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred: "Doc, I just want to
be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I
have
$5,000 cash right here. Will you do
it?" Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't
understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is
waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really
not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to
pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that
much.
So while I was operating I also noticed that you had never been
circumcised,
so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it's really better for a man to
be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my ..."
"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!"
______________________________________________________
5...HOW TO WRITE A TERM PAPER
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you
understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to
help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with
your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the
paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a
hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you
his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those
irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight,
comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty
of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain
you understand it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you
letters.
8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp
since fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and
get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it ,
I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that
paper.
11. Listen to the other side.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's
started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your
teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well
lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across
your tongue; savor its special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any
urgent messages since the last time you checked.
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you
have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from
Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions: +Pro Bowler's Tour +any
movie starring Don Ameche +Star Trek
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on
channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was
watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.
Ask who everyone is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans
for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any
mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well
lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the
hell of it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch
the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper.
_____________________________________________________
- Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space
for 2 years.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the
second decided to take along books to learn how to speak
German, while the third astronaut decided to take along
cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a
big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them
had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.
Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his
mouth.
He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked,
'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'
_____________________________________________________________
- State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the
blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all
over
the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had
an
accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I
swerved
to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the
right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
[Today's joke was suggested by (Anonymous)]
__________________________
- Actual Comments From Airline Flight Crews
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
________________________________
Thought For The Day
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
___________________________________________
-
Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a
little
love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
A. It means you're in the wrong house.
Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers
from the night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both
the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.
"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell
because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase.
He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all
the time."
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is
asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was
too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."
________________________________________________________
- Lessons for prostitutes
Lesson Number 1. Don't take cheques.
Lesson Number 2. If you ignore Lesson 1 and the cheques bounces don't call
the police.
Yes it was in the paper, 3 prostitutes phoned the police to report that
after
having sex with a man his cheques bounced.
I guess you have to have some education to be a prostitute????
________________________________________________________
- One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's
new car.Suddenly, some jerk pulls in front of them.
The blonde then puts her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask,
"What are you doing?!"
The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn"
________________________________________________________
- A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I
can help you. You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his
best bull."
Neighbor: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My
father charges fifty dollars for him."
Neighbor: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do
a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."
Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your
father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made
my daughter pregnant."
Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I
don't know what my father charges for Elmer."
_________________________________________________________
- At the funeral home, the undertaker is trying to get Jeff in his casket
ready for viewing later that evening. After having tried to no avail to
close
the cover, he phones Jeff's wife to find out what she would like him to
do. He tells her that Jeff has an erection that makes it impossible to
close the cover. She tells him to cut off his penis and shove it up his
ass,
that way he will still be buried with all his body parts and no one will be
aware of the problem. That evening as she stands in front of the casket
looking down at her dear Jeff, she notices a tear rolling down his cheek.
She bends down and says "Now you believe me Jeff. All those times
I used to tell you I did not like it that way because it was so painful."
_____________________________________________________________
- Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them
jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that
controls you?"
And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
____________________________________________________________
- The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the
prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are
available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I
see
you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen
that before, what does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
________________________________________________________
- HOW YOU UNDRESS REVEALS YOUR PERSONALITY
Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio gives the following
breakdown:
HAPHAZARD UNDRESSER: If you throw your clothes all over the
house, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are
free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much abt
what others think of you.
METICULOUS UNDRESSER: If you remove each piece of clothing
and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who
likes life very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and
you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems
is to prevent them in the first place.
SHOES AND SOCKS FIRST UNDRESSER: You are perfectionist,
very shy, observant, dependable, intense, and think before
making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with
concentration. You know how to pay attention.
SLOW UNDRESSER: If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes
later get around to the pants, you are extremely
self-confident, intellectual, a deep thinker, and don't like
to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for
yourself.
FAST UNDRESSER: If you get out of your clothes as quickly
as possible, you are concerned about others and what they
expect from you, but you're worried about your own needs.
You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy.
JEWELRY OFF FIRST UNDRESSER: If you take off your rings,
watch, etc., before anything else, you are warm, thoughtful,
sensitive, and romantic.
NEVER THE SAME WAY UNDRESSER: If you never do it the same
way twice, you are a very curious, interesting person, and
you enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and
enjoy fun and adevnture.
___________________________________________________________
- You know, you hear all the jokes about some woman hiding her lover under
the bed or in a closet or somewhere like that. Well, that's no good!
You have to hide him somewhere where your husband would never go, where
he'd never think to look, like the laundry room under the sewing
machine! Or even right by the trash he never takes out!
___________________________________________________
- A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's
the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Man, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me
$50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're
depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? That's
horrible!"
"Then this month..." continued the friend, "Nothing. Not a
single dime!"
_______________________________________________________
- A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor
surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to
see how the guy was doing.
His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the
room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his
pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the
attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a
little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required
twenty-seven stitches."
___________________________________________________________
- You learn a little about yourself with this one
THese are always kind of fun....
Okay first get a piece of paper and label it from 1-10.
Okay let's go, now remember you need to take your first thought that has
to do with the question, go with your brain.
1. What is your favorite out of these three?
a. cat
b. bird
c. dog
2. What is your favorite color?
a. pink
b. white
c. black
3. The name of a person of the same sex?
4. The name of the person of the opposite sex?
5. Do you like the mountains or the beach?
6. The sun rise or sun set?
7. Favorite number from 1-10?
8. Favorite plant?
a. red rose
b. fern
c. a dead one
9. Favorite season?
a. spring
b. winter
c. summer
10. Make two wishes.
__________________________________________________________
- OKAY RESULTS...........
1. cat: you love yourself the most.
bird: you like hearing yourself talk.
dog: you put others before yourself.
2. pink: you're outgoing
white: you're classical
black: you're living on the edge
3. They are your lucky star.
4. You'll become very very close friends with them.
5. mountains: fast pace wedding.
beach: slower wedding.
6. Sun rise: you're a morning person and you get more done.
Sun set: you are a romantic and you fall in and out of crushes slowly.
7. The number you picked is how many it will be till you find your
true love.
8. red rose: your life will be beautiful but sometimes thorny.
Fern: Your life will be predictable and safe.
a dead one: you're one sick person!
9. spring: you're a hopeless romantic.
winter: you're a hugging kind of person.
summer: you're a bare all kind of person.
10. If you send this to: 1 person one wish will come true in a year.
5 people both will come true in two weeks. 10 or more both will come
true in two days.
YOU HAVE 45 Minutes!!
_____________________________________________
- Who Has The Best Memory?
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade
class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I
can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming
home with my mother."
- "My girlfriend was giving me a great blow job last night..."
"Wait, I thought you said you were married?"
"I am."
"Why don't you have oral sex with your wife?"
"Are you crazy! That's the same mouth she uses to kiss me goodnight!"
"What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" Screamed the angry wife.
"It's not my fault. I ran out of money." said Phil.
- MEN ARE LIKE
.... Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
.... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
.... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
.... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
.... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
.... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
.... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
.... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
.... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
.... Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
.... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
.... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
.... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
.... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped or extremely small.
.... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
.... Place Mats.
They always show up when there's food on the table.
.... Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
- On the way to work, we have the choice of two gasoline stations to fill the
car at, one of which my wife truly dislikes going to (its in a
not-so-pretty part of town).
So, while starting this morning's commute, the car needs some gas and I say
sarcastically:
"Well, we need gas. I wonder which gas station we should go to this
morning."
Without missing a beat, my wife replies:
"Well, that depends on where you want your dick to be later today."
Needless to say, we stopped at the preferred station
Join the Navy, meet interesting people, have sex with them, and catch
exotic diseases.
- DRIVING RULES:
1.) If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light,
it is okay to proceed through the intersection,
regardless of the current colour of the light.
2.) The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a
Porsche.
3.) If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you
automatically have the right of way, regardless
of the situation. This is especially, applicable
in parking lots.
4.) Get to know your horn. Use it as often as
possible.
5.) While driving on the freeway and talking on your
cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH.
This is especially effective if driving in the
fast lane.
6.) Every lane is the suicide lane.
7.) For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars.
Honest.
8.) If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.
You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll
make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be
sure to throw random items out of your window. It
will give the reporters something to talk about on
the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.
9.) Never use your turn signal, unless of course you
are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
10.) Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
11.) In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can
not drive in any sort of precipitation.
12.) While driving uphill, do not down shift. While
driving downhill, ride your brakes.
13.) When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set
the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable
the alarm, and put The Club on your steering
wheel.
14.) On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the
centre divider as a passing lane.
- Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it
was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was
given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all
over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a
lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green
bananas."
- You know you are a loser when you can count the number of
friends you have on your left middle finger.
- The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some
course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention
to his replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with
every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my
condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began
carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her
mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband
happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "Dear, when two people love,
honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to screw, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to
know how to make your great lasagna."
- **Signs That Your Relationship Is Failing**
10. She tells you about a great new sexual position that she just *loves*.
9. Your clothes are found on the hangers in shreds.
8. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
7. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
6. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down
with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
5. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
4. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete
Assholes."
3. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
2. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
1. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
- MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine -doctor- and her
then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to
preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her
little girl picked it up
and began playing with it. Be still, my heart,
thought my friend, my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the
instrument:"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your
order?"
- A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name,
would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her
this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to
her in Sunday School,
and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought
I was, but mother says I'm not."
- TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go
outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play
with the boys, they're
too rough." The little girl thought about it for a
few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
- THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the
habit of sucking his
thumb, though his mother had tried everything
from bribery to reasoning
to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the
habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you
don't stop sucking your thumb,
your stomach is going to blow up like a
balloon." Later that day,walking
in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman
sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered
her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her
saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what YOU'VE been
doing."
- THE LORD'S PRAYER
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the
Lord's prayer. For several
evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her
mother. One night she
said she was ready to solo. The mother listened
with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of
the prayer. "Lead us not into
temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some
e-mail, Amen."
- SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little
children, as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to
be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because
people are sleeping."
- THE PRESSED LEAF
A little boy opened the big and old family
Bible with fascination, he
looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of
the Bible and he picked up and looked at it
closely. It was an old leaf
from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found,"
the boy called out. "What have you got there,
dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he
answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!"
- I Need A Bigger One
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume
party and I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
- years of marriage?"
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits
In the kitchen. 'Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years.
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up
her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be
satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her
anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy
negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the
dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough.
Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of
gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.
Her husband was startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's
wrong honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further
away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't
want to throw any meat at it!"
- A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility problem.
The doctor says, "Just give your husband these pills in his next meal and
stand back."
The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing
dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook,
"Just put two of these in my husband's dinner tonight."
As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, "Sure, like I got
nothing better to do," and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.
As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the
kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in
that there is a big problem in the kitchen.
The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to
know what is going on.
The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and cries, "I
don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli
is standing straight up!"
- How much is that Barbie in the Window?...
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes
that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a
present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the
shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for
$19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
$265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the
others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes
with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
- Quick Wit:
There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse.
A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.
"before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that
this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord
and stop is amen."
So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse
starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the
horse starts to gallop.
Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the
man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the
cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the
Lord.
- She was a tough "Moll." As she swaggered into the big ballroom of the
Ajax Pastine Club, she noticed in the happy throng a handsome fellow.
She asked who he was, but nobody seemed to know. The more she asked
regarding his identity, the less she learned.
But she HAD to know!! So she shot him...and read his name in the paper
the next day.
- The WVU football team was placed in a remedial English class.
The professor asked the class,
"Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?"
All of the players raised their hands.
"The appeal," they shouted with Mountaineer pride.
- "Relationships are hard.
It's like a full-time job,
and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp."
- "My husband has developed a strange sexual practice recently" said a
woman to her friend "He insists on throwing me on the table and making
love after we've finished eating dinner"
"That's not so strange" he friend said
"Oh, no ?" said the woman "Try explaining that to the manager at our
local McDonalds"
- "Wednesday nights out with the boys is what killed my marriage."
"Your wife hated you going out with the guys?"
"Nah, she was the one who went out with the boys!"
- A sign seen in an automotive repair garage:
Ms. Helen Waite is in charge of our complaints department.
Her office is right down the hall towards the egress.
So if you have a problem, go to Helen Waite.
- A group of religious women were driving to a conference when one of the
deacons wife's proclaimed that her and Mr. Deacon had finally entered into
the risque regions of sexuality by doing it doggy style...
The other women were appalled by her proclamation!!! Gasping at the sound
of it all!!!
She then noted that SHE played dead and HE rolled over!!
- You sure could tell it was Halloween, the doorbell had been ringing
all evening. Superman, Batman, Jack & Jill, Dracula, Snow White,
Hansel & Gretel, cowboys, indians, several witches and ghosts and
a pumpkin ... he had barely got down in the chair when the bell rang
again. This time when he opened the door he found a little girl and
boy standing there BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you two supposed to be?!" he asked.
"We're M & Ms," said the little girl. "I'm plain and he's with nuts!"
- A nun got into a cab, and the driver was staring at her. She
asked him why he was staring at her, and he said, "I want to
ask you a question, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long
as I have been a nun... I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have
a nun perform oral sex on me."
She said, "Well, let's see what we can work out:
1) You have to be single, and
2) You have to be Catholic."
The cab driver said, "Oh, I'm single, and I am Catholic!!!!"
She said, "O.K., pull into the alley," and he did. She
fulfilled his fantasy, but when they were on the street again,
the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?" He said, "Sister,
I have sinned, I lied, I lied...I'm married, and I'm Jewish!"
She said, "That's okay. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to
a Halloween party."
- TOUGH COWBOY
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a
drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of
picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his
drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into
the air, caught it above his head without even looking and
fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU
SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
surprising force. No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IFSYMBOLS
MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I
FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!
AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN
TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer,
walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The
bartender left the bar and asked meekly, "Say partner,
before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
- We all know those cute little computer symbols called
where :-) means a smile and :-( is a frown.
Here are a few you might now know about but come in really handy:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
(_E=mc^2_) A smart ass
- One night a guy got really wasted. In the morning, he rolled over and
sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen.
Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as
fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to
tip-toe out.
Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just
as ugly as the one in the bed.
She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "What? Nothing
for the bridesmaid?"
- A guy dies and goes to hell.
The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have
died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you
get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these
three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it.
So let's get started."
The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple
of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy
says, "No way, let's move on."
The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people
standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No
way, let's move on."
The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people
standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy
says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says,
"OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."
The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so
bad. What's the big deal?
After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker
saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"
- GETTING IT STRAIGHT
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great
dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll
go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want
with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about
it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock
every night -- whether you're here or not."
- What Element Do You Want?
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she
would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of
the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element
in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold,
because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is
worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little
Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and
you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
- Myrddin goes to see a doctor and says "Doctor, Doctor you've gotta help me.
I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a
day," replies Myrddin.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a
day," says Myrddin.
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to
take yourself in hand."
"I do", says Myrddin. "Twice a day."___________
- Do It Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical,
and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind,
People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful,
You will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building,
Someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today,
People will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
And it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis,
It is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
- An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
that it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a
rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the
moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman
stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your
- A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be
something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything
that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style
on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions
and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.
- A woman sends her clothing out to the
Chinese laundry..when it comes back
there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to
the Chinaman "use more soap on panties".
This goes on for several weeks, the woman
sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally the chinaman responded with,
"use more paper on ass."
- The Answer is still No
Question: Can women ever win?
If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.
If you can go down on them, they are jealous that someone taught you how.
If they pay for dinner, you are using them.
If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.
If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.
If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to
do all of the housework.
If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.
If you want sex, they won't wake up.
If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care
about their taste.
If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like,
they tell you to dress however you want.
If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you
are coming on to their friends.
If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you
don't like their friends.
__________________________________
- WHEN DOES THE BAR OPEN?
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call
from a drunk guy asking what time the bar
opens. "It opens at noon." answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the
same guy, sounding even drunker. "What
time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same
time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again,
plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers "It opens at noon,
Sir, but if you can't wait, I can have room
service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git
OUT!!!"
- BUTT
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some
of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested
that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very
delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
- NATALIE
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His
clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?"
the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir,
Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she
charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his
pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for
an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie
explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that
there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man
took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an
hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe
it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has
ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie,
"I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man.
"She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
- ROPING
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the
wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the
new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are they
doing, honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies,
"Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses
having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?" The
husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally
they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each
other's body. The bride discovers her husband's penis. "What is that?"
she asks. "That's my rope," he answers. She slides her hands down
further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks. "They're my knots," he
answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes
the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, "What's
the matter honey, am I hurting you?" No," the bride replies, "undo
those knots. I need more rope!"
- No Time for Work???
I was at work one day recently, and had a dilemma:
Too much work and not enough time.
I said to my manager, "I could use your advice setting my priorities. I
have a TPS report that needs to get done, but I also have that other
report that really needs to get out the door. Something has to give.
What do you think?"
My manager simply smiled and said, "You don't really need my input. Just
follow your gut and use your time as you think it would be best spent."
So I fucking left.
- White House Scandal?????
Hillary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a
complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant.
She is furious and can't believe this has happened. She calls
the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins
to berate him, screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble
going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could
you???!!!
I can't believe this has happened! I just found out I am 5 weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! How could you???
Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but silence on the phone.
She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!
She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper he says, "Who is this?"
- Subject: Hairy????
Guy goes to the doctor and says "Hey Doc I know guys my age start to get
hair growing in their nose and ears and stuff, but look at this." Where upon
he displays his dick which is covered with hair.
The doctor says "Gee never saw anything like that.
"Am I in trouble?" asks the guy.
The doctor takes some samples and tells the guy to call him in a few days.
When the guy calls the doctor tells him not to worry but advises him to
"Wash your hands better after you put the Rogaine on you head."
- Little Jimmy ask mom: Mom, do little girls get pregnant?
Mom: Of course not darling!
Little Jimmy run out of the barn and shouted "
It's alright we can do it again!!!"
- Lawyer's death
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You
can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance
chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his
money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go
to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then
directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would
reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten
pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she
exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in
the basement."
- A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see
them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in
the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the
clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So
the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home
and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When
his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What
happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think
WE did it!"
- An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical. His wife
tags along.
The doctor comes into the examination room and says I will need the
following 3 things from your husband:
a urine sample
a stool sample
and a sperm sample
The old man being hard of hearing yells to his wife, "What did he
say? What's he need, what does he want?"
His wife yells back, "He said he needs your underwear."
- 1. How do you Scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
2. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of
driving.
3. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
4. What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
A woman who answers the door stark naked, holding a six pack.
5. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
6. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
7. How do you get a man to exercise?
Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.
9. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
10. What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
11. Men are like vacations....
They never seem to be long enough.
12. Men are like computers....
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
13. Men are like coolers....
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
14. Men are like horoscopes....
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
15. Men are like plungers....
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
16. Men are like laxatives...
They irritate the shit out of you.
17. Men are like parking spots...
The good ones are already taken and what's left are handicapped.
18. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
19. Why are men like lawnmowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
20. Why are men like tile floors?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for 20 years.
21. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends
- Thought For The Day
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
______________________________
Thorn went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called:
"How to Master Your Wife".
Salesgirl said: "Our science fiction section is upstairs."
___________________________________
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband,
wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the
photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He
convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what
side of his head her husband parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when
you take off his hat."
- When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited
because there were three little indian boys in her class. She was
beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little indian boy
to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows
this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his
fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a
Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father
says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am
a Cherokee".
The teacher says very good and asks the next little indian boy to stand.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his
fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a
Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father
says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am
a Comanche".
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last
little indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly
throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says
in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee". The teacher looks dumb founded &
says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee.
The little boy says "My Father & I walked for many days and many
nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept
walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father
stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around. "He
said hummmm, where the Fuckawee"
______________________________________________________
- Did you ever wonder if things wouldn't have been a lot better if God had
used a hair instead of a rib and made Adam his own pussy?
______________________________________
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer
working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher
asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied,
"Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said,
"Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a
mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could
be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer
remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and
she'll wanna go all three days."
- An 83 year old lady finished here annual physical examination whereupon the
doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age...but tell me...Do you
still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute...I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She went out to the reception room and said, "Jake, do we still have
intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently, "If I told you ONCE, I told you a thousand
times,we have BLUE CROSS !!"
- Sears
Dear Son:
Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight
years since we have been married. We are a little better off now,
because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with
it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do
something about fixing up the house.
We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear
people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like
a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the
other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you
wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got
something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then
you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot.
Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the
bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has
a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.
Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a
roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so
I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.
Maw
- Two women talking (probably Linda and Jill):
I've given up looking for the ideal man. Now I'm looking for a husband.
_____________________________
THE TRUTH ABOUT INVESTMENT
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75
until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned
his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major
financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this
word spell Broke.
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when
you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your
mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when
you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a
person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only
ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually
ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little
short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to wake money on
the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your
stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
- Who is the Father???
The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by
[name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I
believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with
a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I
met that night. I do remember that the sex was sogood that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number ? Thanks
I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you
can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so
would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my
country,please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same
to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you
ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe
it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure
is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address
given] mine might have remained unfertilised.
- A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail
storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it
full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The
body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least
$4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some
other way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow
into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to
give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the
exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she
may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my
car," explained the first blonde.
"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.
"Why not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."
- ...THE 5 STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every
subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very
WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST
LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go
up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk
to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this
person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in
the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an
armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make
bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally
you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you
are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up
to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a
battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because
you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they
are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this
point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a
table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who
wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top
of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still SMART you know all the words.
-------------------------------------Drunk
- Subject: Hairy????
Guy goes to the doctor and says "Hey Doc I know guys my age start to get
hair growing in their nose and ears and stuff, but look at this." Where upon
he displays his dick which is covered with hair.
The doctor says "Gee never saw anything like that.
"Am I in trouble?" asks the guy.
The doctor takes some samples and tells the guy to call him in a few days.
When the guy calls the doctor tells him not to worry but advises him to
"Wash your hands better after you put the Rogaine on you head."
- Women's Ages:
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, She is like Africa... virgin
and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, She is like Asia... hot and
exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, She is like America... fully
explored, breathtakingly beautiful and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 58, She is like Europe...
exhausted, but still has many points of interest.
5. After 58, She is like Australia... everybody knows it's down
there but who gives a damn.
Men's Ages:
1. Between the ages of 18 and 32...Tri-weekly.
2. Between the ages of 32 and 50...Try, weekly.
3. Over 50...Try, weakly.
- Definitely ....
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the
word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course
not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
- Lifesavers
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety
of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes
and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and
mint,but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of
the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's
something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one
of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out,
they're Ass Holes!"
- How to Identify Where a Driver is From:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across
all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly
on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet
on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida.
- After 12 years!!!!
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years,
chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,
"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these
years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2
full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to
know?"
- FIVE BUCKS
There were these two women who were friends and neighbors.
One noticed that the other always seemed to have lots of new goodies;
jewelry, furs, latest fashions, frequent hair salon trips & manicures,
etc.
She asked:" how do you get all that great stuff?"
" I do it by charging my husband five dollars every time we have sex", she
said "and you can do the same, it really adds up. But you must remain
firm. Don't let him talk you into accepting less, don't let him coax you
into doing it for no charge."
"Great", she said, "that sounds easy, I"ll do it".
So, the next time her hubby wanted to have sex, she said: "From now on,
you have to give me five dollars each time we have sex" She also told him
why.
"Oh, I see", he said; "okay". He then went to get the money, but realized
that he had only $4.50 She refused to accept it: "If we have sex you must
give me the full amount, five bucks".
He said: "Alright, so we can't have sex; but can I touch you for the $4.50?
We'll just make-out, okay?"
"Okay" she said. As her hubby kissed her, fondled her body, rubbed
against her, etc. she got really hot and bothered.
Finally, she was so turned on, that she said to him: "If it's all the same
to you, I'll lend you fifty cents until tomorrow."
- INSURANCE
The insurance agent shook his head and said,
"I'm sorry, Madam, we can't accept your claim for your husband's death
because he had no policy on his life, but carried insurance only against
fire."
"I know", cried the widow, "that's why I poured kerosene over him."
- Sick!!!!
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his
tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by
his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working
along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move
on.
The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet
behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the
fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash
container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me
what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the
county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning
on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike.
I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts
the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't
mean that Mike and me can't work."
- HIDDEN SIGNS
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."
1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.
2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way.
- Is a virgin.
5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.
6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.
7. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.
9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.
10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.
11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms (female).
12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.
14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.
15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
- **Pick-Up Line Of the Day**
Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder,
and then touches himself (all this while she is watching him) and
says:
How about you and I get out of these wet clothes?
____________________________
Ladies, how many of you have heard this one?
"Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes
in the closet. You 'just don't understand!'"
__________________________________________
- Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off
and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and
says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft".
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He
asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft".
The third guy tees off and slices into a pond. He asks the pro,
"What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft".
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally
speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely
different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong
you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack Of Fucking Talent"
- !!!Jump!!!
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."
____________________________
Update Date: Nov. 11,1999
- Coach!!!
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on
mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How
would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a
chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A
basketball coach?"
- Feminine side
"Men should get in touch with their feminine side."
Why? You do enough moaning, whining, and complaining for the both of us.
_____________________________________________________
When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity,
and sharing. What does she get? The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer
breath.
Don't forget that she also gets the three F's: farting, (more)
flatulence, and fucked.
- One-Liners
Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.
We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves
up and hurry on as if nothing happened.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
A tree never hits an auto