PI Jokes - Pang Pinoy na humor Click here for latest update
Update Date April 26, 2000
- DO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS ?
1. Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence.
...The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I'LL BUY, BE COOL.
2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
...(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
3. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
...Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.
4. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
...If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.
5. Use DECANTER in a sentence.
...You can order that medicine over DECANTER.
6. Use DELETION in a sentence.
...The balat of DELETION is crispy.
7. Use DESPISE in a sentence.
...Who baked all DESPISE?
8. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
...I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL
consent so he can go to the picnic.
AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND
UNDERSTAND TAGALOG:
9. Use BORROW in a sentence.
...Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.
10. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
...Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.
11. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
...Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE.
12. Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a
city [or street] at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA)
...Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang bebot na yun, pero,
ma-ARTESIA.
13. Use CADET in a sentence.
...CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang
CADET niya.
14. Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
...Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.
15. Use CENTURION in a sentence.
...Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.
16. Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
...Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan.
17. Use DELICACY in a sentence.
...Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.
18. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
...Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya pwede na tayong kumain.
19. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
...Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.
20. Use LAITY in a sentence.
...Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.
21. Use MENTION in a sentence.
...Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.
22. Use ebonic word MOTHA' FUCKA' in a sentece.
...Iho mag-ingat, ka baka MOTHA' FUCKA'
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
23. Use SECOND THOUGHT in a sentence.
...Hindi pa bumibili ng bagong kotse ang mag-asawang si Pedro
at Maria dahil magse-SECOND THOUGHT pa daw sila.
Update Date June 13, 2000
- Imelda Goes To Heaven
"Imelda dies and goes to heaven. The heavenly court is gathered to
welcome all the newcomers to heaven. God the Father is there seated
on his throne in all his splendor. The Second Person of the Trinity
is there also, and the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, and all the saints.
As Imelda enters, everyone stands up except God the Father, who
does not get up from his throne. Jesus, the second Person of the
Trinity turns to him, and says, "Heavenly Father, what's the matter?
Why don't you stand up to welcome Imelda Marcos?
God the Father replies: "I am afraid to lose my seat. If I stand up
she will take my throne."
- TEACHER
There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching
her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying,
"You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put
your right feet in...." Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher
you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right
feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."
- USE THE WORD
A Filipino guy gets stopped by immigration at the airport.
Immigration tells him, "Use the words 'chicken not bread' in a sentence.
" The Filipino looks around, puts a bag over a woman's head and yells,
"Chee kennot bred! Chee kennot bred!" (accent on "she cannot breathe")
- TEAM
There were three basketball teams: the White team, the Black team, and
the Filipino team. They all didn't know what to call each other. The
white team decided to be the "A" team and the Filipinos were the "B" team.
What was the black team? -the "E" team.
- USE THE WORD
persuading:
Later this year, John F. Kennedy and his wife will celebrate their
persuading anniversary.
deposit:
When washing my hands, I always turn on deposit.
deficit:
Before going into the pool, I always check how dep-i-cit.
protestant:
I always get my apples and sag-ing at the protestant.
devastation:
I wait for the bus at devastation.
analyze and anatomy:
My analyze over the ocean, so bring back my anatomy.
tenacious:
Before playing tennis I have to put on my tenacious.
deduct, defense, defeat, and detail:
De-duct jumped over de-fense. De-feat first, de-tail last.
associate:
I looked in the toilet and a-sso-ciate.
Uno, dos, tres:
UNO! Dos tres are on fire!
diniguan:
I tried turning on the TV, but no matter how many times I try,
it diniguan.
penis:
Before you go out, penis your homework.
What's the ugliest cow in the world?
---Ikaw.
Did you know that Filipinos named Staten Island? They were passing
by on a boat and one said, "Is staten island?"
What did one Filipino monument say to the other Filipino monument?
---Is statue?
What's the deadliest gang in the Philippines?
---the "sini" gang.
- MORE OF THE USUAL
TENACIOUS - I went to "The Athlete's Foot" yesterday to buy a pair of
tenacious.
CONTEMPLATE - I went to a party last night. There was so much food pero
co-contemplate.
CURTAIN and KITCHEN - Aray! Huwag mo kong curtain. Masa-kitchen.
PUNCTUATION - Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng punctuation.
GUAVA - I just had a haircut. Masa-guava?
DEDUCT, DEFEAT, and DETAIL - Deduct jumped over defense but detail
landed before defeat.
DEPOSIT - Paki-check nga ang banyo. I think deposit is leaking.
ICE BUKO - Nagpagupit ako kanina, tingnan mo nga, ice buko?
PERSUADING - Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992. So last June 1,
1993, they are going to celebrate their persuading anniversary.
DEVASTATION - I wait for the bus at devastation every morning.
CONCLUSION and OPINION - (Pointing to a door): Conclusion, hindi opinion.
PAMPERS and PAPERS - At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant,
"Do I pampers or do I papers?"
DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES - If the royal family has a baby boy, he is
called difference; if they have a baby girl, she is called differences.
PROTESTANT - Apples, oranges, and other fruits can be bought at the protestant.
ANALYZE and ANATOMY - My analyze over the ocean so bring back my anatomy.
IRAQ, IRAN, EGYPT - Iraq is bigger than a stone; Iran is faster than a walk;
and Egypt is smaller than a truck.
PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL - Paul, be carepaul; you might paul in the
swimming paul and make a paul of yourself.
CASHEW and SKATE - I want to have a tattoo sana cashew mukhang ma-skate, eh.
CUISINE - I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a
surprise cuisine Math.
Update Date June 24, 2000
- NEW "REAL" BUSINESS NAMES
Let the "pun' begin...
Jealous Neighbor, Hollow Block
Tapsi-Turbi (for tapa, sinigang, turon, barbecue)
Tom Cruz Grill
Sylvester Salon
Beery Good
Obeertime
James Tailor
Bill Gets
Dr. Sebago-in (shoe repair)
Austin Powers (mechanic)
Jaribee Chicken
Cainta Key Fried Chicken
The Fried of Marikina
- WITH AN 'R'
First day ng klase.
Siyempre, magpapakilala muna si titser.
mukhang strikto, terror ala Miss Tapia.
Sinulat niya ang pangalan niya sa blackboard.
'Miss Pruke.'
Pigil ang hagikgik ng mga estudyante.
baka mapagalitan sila.
"My name is Miss Pruke. Don't forget.
With an R, with an R, with an R." stress ni
titser. "Bukas bago magsimula ang klase,
kapag meron akong tinawag, dapat alam niyong
banggitin ang pangalan ko ng tama."
Paglabas ng mga estudyante ng klassroom,
Inulit-ulit nila sa kanilang isip, "with an R,
with an R, with an R."
Kinabukasan, preparado ang lahat sa pagtawag
ng titser maliban kay Juan. Wala namang
ginagawa si Juan sa klase kundi mag-daydream.
kaya siya ang napansin ng titser. "Juan!"
Sigaw ni titser. gulat na tumayo si Juan.
"Yes ma'am?"
"Ano ang pangalan ko?"
Namamawis sa kaba si Juan. nakalimutan niya
ang pangalan ng titser.
Sabay sabay ang buong klase sa pagbigay sa
kanya ng clue. "With an R, with an R, with an R"
"Ah!" biglang naisip ni Juan, "Natatandaan ko na
ang pangalan niyo."
"Ano?" tanong ni titser.
"Miss Prekprek."
Update Date June 27, 2000
- PLANE AT LAST!!
Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this
announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Amorpropio:
"Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power
to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation
but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement:
"Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such
an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating
so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane
and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
As commented by one of the passengers:
"Galing, that's what i like about PAL, always has some contingency
measures of some sort!, I hope they help me out
coz' i definitely don't know how to swim."
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating
to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain
made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement:
"Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers
on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly
swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left
side of plane
THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES."
- PINOY ADS
"Hump at your own risk "
-Urdaneta Village, Makati (circa 1961)
* Notice *
NO Stambay
Vendors
Carry firearms inside the club
-Cavite
FOR SALE
U.S. GALLONS
big...P6.00
small..P5.00
- Makati
IMPOTENCE DEMO
--shop selling a cure for impotence, in an alley near Shaw Blvd
SLOW MEN AT WORK
--PLDT sign
(so much for zero backlog)
"Welcome to the Philippines-
The Only Catholic Country in Asia!"
and directly underneath that sign:
BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS
We Make Modern & Antique Furniture
-- sign in Pampanga
"Atty. Domino Carriedo"
Notary Public
Tumatanggap din ho ng labada tuwing Linggo -- a sign in Cebu
Petal Attraction
-- a flower shop near U.P. Diliman
Please help our comfort room clean.
--self-service restaurant in Cebu
Jeepney and Bus signs
"Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off."
"Full string to stop driver."
"God knows Hudas not pay."
"For reckless driving, call ###-#####"
"Don't close to me, close to God."
A Sign we found in a convent in Baguio
"2nd Floor Upstairs."
"Danger Wall is Falling!"
- a sign on a cracked lopsided wall along Libis, QC.
* Pansit ng taga-Malaboni - sign along Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong
* Cooking ng ina mo - a carinderia
* Cooking ng ina mo rin - right across from "Cooking ng ina_ mo"
Update Date July 3, 2000
- MAGALING NA DAW
Ine-examin nung Doktor yung isang pasyente sa Mental Hospital sa
pamamagitan ng tanong at sagot. Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay
palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano ang iyong unang gagawin?" Sagot
nung pasyente, "Titiradorin ko po ang buwan!" Wika nung Doktor,
"Ikaw ay hindi pa pwedeng palabasin. E-examinin ulit kita sa
paglipas ng anim na buwan."
Pagkaraan ng anim na buwan, muling inexamin nung Doktor yung pasyente.
Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano
ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente. "Doktor, ako'y magaling na.
Pagkalabas ko po sa ospital, ako po ay hahanap ng trabaho upang
mamuhay ng mag-isa." Muling nagtanong ang Doktor, "Pagnakahanap ka
ng trabaho, ano ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, ako
po ay manliligaw ng isang mabait, masipag at magandang babaeng pwede
kong makakapiling na pang habang buhay." Gulat ang Doktor! Mukhang
matino na ang kaniyang pasyente! Muli pang nagtanong ang Doktor,
"Pagkatapos niyong makasal, ano ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente,
"Aba, Doktor, kami po ay mag-hahanimun!" Bilib na naman ang Doktor.
Tanong ulit ng Doktor, "Ano ang iyong gagawin sa inyong hanimun?"
Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, huhubarin ko po ang blusa at palda ng
aking bagong asawa.""Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor. "Pagkatapos...
" sabi ng pasyente, "huhubarin ko ang kaniyang bra at panty".
"Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor. "Pagkatapos..." sabi ng pasyente,
"kukunin ko lahat ng lastiko sa bra at panty at titiradorin ko ang buwan!"
Update Date July 6, 2000
- DALAWANG UNANO
Dalawang unano, nag-goodtime sa Bocaue. They are having a time of their
life at Beer Gardens and Kareoke bars and they capped the fun with
'companions' for the rest of the night. Kumuha sila ng magkatabing
kuwarto sa motel room.
Iyong isa disappointed dahil hindi siya 'tigasan'. Kahit anong concentrate
ang gawin niya ay wala parin. Lalong lumaki ang disappointment niya dahil
naririnig ang nasa kabilang kuwarto na bumibilang ....ISA .....DALAWA......
TATLO......UMMPPP sa boung magdamag.
Kinabukasan, sa kanilang pag-uusap:
"Disappointed ako dahil kahit anong gawin ko hindi ako tigasan."
"Eh, di mas lalo na ako, HINDI AKO MAKASAMPA SA KAMA."
- ANG PALAY
Nitong mga nakaraang buwan napapansin ni Mister ang pagiging matabang ni Misis.
Walang maisip na dahilan si Mister sa pagiging matabang ni Misis kundi ang
posibilidad na si Misis ay kumakaliwa. Sa pag-iisip ni Mister kung papaano
ang gagawin upang mapatunayan kung totoo ang kanyang hinala, nabanggit niya
sa kanyang Kumpare ang kanyang niloloob.
Mister: "Pare palagay ko ang Kumare mo kinakaliwa ako ngunit hindi ko mapatunayan."
Kumpadre: "Sana naman Pare hindi totoo ang hinala mo, pero kung gusto mo, mayroon
akong alam na paraan para mo mapatunayan ang hinala mo."
Mister: "Siyanga Pare, ano ang alam mong paraan?"
Kumpadre: "Di ba Pare ang kama ninyo ay 'yong double bed, 'Yong bang box spring na
may nakapatong na mattress sa ibabaw?"
Mister: "Ganoon nga ang kama namin Pare, Oh - ngayon?"
Kumpadre: "Ganito iyon Pare, maglagay ka ng isang gatang na palay sa kama ninyo. Sa
pagitan ba ng box spring at mattress pero huwag mong ipaaalam kay
Kumare."
Mister: "Eh, ano naman ang kinalaman ng palay kung totoo ngang kumakaliwa ang
Kumare mo?"
Kumpadre: "Pare, iyong palay pag naging bigas..............SIGURADONG MAY
BUMAYO."
Update Date July 8, 2000
- BABAE DAW
Nagkaroon ng trouble ang airplane at sabi ng piloto "Fasten your seat belt".
Isang babae nag-panic at ang sabi: "Ako'y babae, nais kong maranasan ang dapat
maranasan ng isang babae bago bumagsak ang eroplanong ito! Mayroon ba sa iyong
magpapatunay na ako'y babae?"
Tingin ang mga kelot at kinilatis si babae. Medyo may edad at medyo di maganda.
Walang nag-voluntir agad.
Sigaw ng babae: "Patunayan ninyong ako'y babae!"
"Ako!" sigaw ng isang pogi at matchong lalake habang ina-alis niya ang bitones
ng kanyan kamisedentro.
Nanginig ang babae habang lumalapit ang kelot sa kanya.
Tahimik ang lahat...
Hinubag ang polo at ini-abot sa babae. Sabe niya sa babae, "Pakiplantsa mo 'to!"
Update Date July 14, 2000
- NAKATIPID
Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Mario.
Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya.
Nagmamayabang pa sa ina.
"Nanay! Nanay! Nakatipid ako ng uno singkwenta."
"Nakatipid? Paano?" tanong ng nanay.
"Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip.
Sumabay lang ako ng takbo.
Kaya't nakatipid ako ng one-fifty!"
"Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo,
'Di mas malaki ang natipid mo!"
- Agaw-Buhay
Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan.
Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan
na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.
"Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat
sa iyo."
"Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."
"Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"
"Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang
importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo
rito sa mundo."
"Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinag-taksilan kita
sana ay patawarin mo ako."
"Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita NILASON."
Update Date July 22, 2000
- PINOY POETRY
(1)
Love is an intention,
that goes with affection,
with the intent of injection,
done in the midsection,
in a preferred position,
during a private session.
(2)
Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot, walang
makausap at nabubugnot?
Ba't di mo subukang umutot.
Paligid mo'y babantot.
Tanggal ang lungkot,
Wala pang bugnot!
Update Date July 24, 2000
- 18
Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more and I have a basketball team.
American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football team.
Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf course - 18 holes.
- KAIBAHAN
Ano ang kaibahan ni Prince Charles sa kulangot?
Si Prince Charles ay heir to the throne.
Ang kulangot ay thrown to the air!
- LETTER
An alcoholic son's letter to his Dad:
Beer dad,
Gin na 'ko mag-iinom whisky kelan man.
Tanduayan mo yan.
Your son,
Miguel.
Update Date July 26, 2000
DUCK DICTIONARY
Submitted by Solivar
maliit na duck - "panduck"
tirahan ng maliit na duck - " Pandacan"
mataas na duck - "boonduck"
nagulat na duck - "nasinduck"
photogenic na duck - "kodak"
malaking duck sa Ilocos- "duck-il"
madaldal na duck - "dakdak"
pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck - "duck tape"
manggagamot na duck - "ducktor"
musikero na duck - "conducktor"
Update Date July 27, 2000
- Sum Ting Wong's JOB INTERVIEW - new version
Submitted by Solivar
Sum Ting Wong went for a job interview to be a secretary.
When the manager saw Sum Ting Wong's colorful attire
and gold & white-highlighted hair, his mind is
screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN". Nevertheless, he still
had to entertain SumTing Wong.
So he told Sum Ting Wong, "If you could form a
sentence using the words that I'll give you, then
maybe I will give you a chance!. The words are
GREEN,PINK, YELLOW,BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK"
Sum Ting Wong thought for a while and said:
"I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I go and
PINK up the phone,I say YELLOW....BLUE's that? WHITE
did you say? Aiyah,wrong number, lah.... Don't
PURPLEly disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok?
Thank You."
The Manager fainted.
Update Date July 28, 2000
- LOVE
Lovelines through the years
1950s -- Iniirog kita.
1960s -- Iniibig kita.
1970s -- Minamahal kita.
1980s -- I love you.
1990s -- Tara sa kwarto.
2000s -- Pwede na rito.
- GIRL'S PRAYER
Dasal naman ng mga babae:
Sa edad na 20 - "Lord, I want the best man."
Sa edad na 25 - "Lord, I want a good man."
Sa edad na 30 - "Lord, I want any man."
Sa edad na 40 - "Lord, please naman..."
Update Date July 29, 2000
- ANONG TAWAG SA ..
Q: Maliit na Batya?
A: Tansan
Q: Maliit na Palanggana?
A: Palangganita
Q: Maliit na Kutsara?
A: Kutsarita
Q: Maliit na Aso?
A: Tuta
Q: Maliit na Pusa?
A: Kuting
Q: Maliit na Baboy?
A: Biik
Q: Maliit na Butiki?
Hindi ko alam sirit na . . . .
A: "BUTIKING MALIIT"
Update Date July 30, 2000
- CAMEL
May isang Pinoy sa Saudi maisipang takasan ang
kalupitan ng kanyang mga Amo. Sa kagipitan,
ipinasya niyang tawirin ang disyerto at humanap
ng magandang kapalaran sa Kuwait. Sa kanyang
konting ipon, bumili siya ng Camel at gamit sa
paglalakbay at dahil di niya alam paluhurin ang
Camel para sakyan, nagdala na rin siya ng hagdanan.
Ikat'long araw sa paglalakbay sinumpung ang Pinoy
ng matinding pangangailangan (Libog). Sawa na
siyang magparaos sa pamamagitan ng kanyang kamay
kaya ipinasya niyang pagparausan ang Camel (total
nasa gitna siya ng disyerto at wala namang makakakita
sa kanya). Dahil mataas ang Camel, gumamit siya ng
hagdan, ngunit sa tuwing tatangkain niyang 'ipasok'
nakikiliti and Camel at humamakbang kaya si Pinoy
nahuhulog. Ganoon ng ganoon hanggang sa magsawa ang
Pinoy sa pagtatangka at ipinasya niyang magpatuloy
sa paglalakbay. Ganoon pa man, hindi matanggal ang
kanyang pagnanasa na makaraos sa kanyang pangangailangan.
Ika - limang araw sa paglalakbay ng makakakita siya ng
napaka-gandang Pinay na hinahabol ng Arabyano.
"Tulongan ninyo ako" ang sigaw ng Pinay "gusto nila
akong pagsamantalahan at patayin." Si Pinoy pinagbabaril
ang mga humahabol at iniligtas ang kababayang Pinay.
Ang Pinay nagpapasalamat: "Salamat po at iniligtas ninyo
ako, utang ko sa inyo ang aking buhay, at gagawin ko po
ang kahit na ano bilang pasasalamat.
Ang Pinoy nangangailangan (nalilibugan) pa rin: "Talaga?"
"Opo, kahit po ano gagawin ko para sa inyo"
Ang Pinoy tumutulo ang laway sa pagnanasa: "Talaga, kahit
na ano?"
"Opo, kahit po ano"
"Kung ganoon, PAKI HAWAKAN MO ANG CAMEL"
Update Date July 31, 2000
- DEPOSIT
Teacher: "Pedro, use 'deposit' in a sentence."
Pedro: "Easy lang 'yon Ma'm, D' posit is leaking."
Teacher: "No, no, no, you got it wrong, let me explain
it to you further. You know
.....BANK.....DEPOSIT..... see the relationship....
...BANK .......DEPOSIT.....?"
Pedro: "Oh, I got it." (na-intindihan ang ibig sabihin
ng teacher)
Teacher: "Okey, I'll give you another chance, use
'deposit' in a sentence."
Pedro: "D' posit in the bank is leaking."
Update Date August 1,2000
- CITY EXECUTIVE
Isang Successful Male Executive sa Makati ang stress na
stress sa pamumuhay sa lunsod. Sa trapiko at sa trabajo
kaya nagpasya ang Executive na tumira sa malayo sa
kabihasnan total mayroon naman siyang konting naitatabi
at nagiisa lang naman siya.
Nakabili siya ng sakahan sa paanan ng Sierra Madre Mountains
at doon nagsaka siya at namuhay na mag-isa na malayo sa
kabihasnan. Makaraan ang anim na buwan na walang TV,
Telepono, Internet, Sine, Disco at Beer Gardens napag-isip-isip
niya na ang buhay sa lunsod ay hindi naman pala gaanong stressful.
Nagdadalawang isip siyang bumalik sa lunsod ng may kumatok sa pinto.
Nang buksan niya ang pinto ay bumulaga sa kanya ang isang lalaking
malaki at matipuno ang pangangatawan.
"Magandang araw po, ako po ang kapitbahay ninyo na nakatira sa
paanan ng ikat'long bundok mula rito, kaya po ako nasadya ay
gusto ko kayong kumbidahin sa 'Party' sa bahay sa Sabado ng gabi."
"Aba, magandang idea iyan, anim na buwan na nga akong hindi
nakakapunta sa Party. Asahan mo ang pagdalo ko."
Paalis ang lalaki ng: "nais ko pong malaman ninyo na mayroon
pong inuman"
"Okey lang, anim na buwan na nga akong hindi nakakainom eh,
asahan mong dadalo ako."
Paalis na muli ang lalaki ng: "nais ko rin pong malaman ninyo na
maaari rin pong magkaroon ng awayan na nauuwi sa pag-bu-bunuan."
"Okey rin, normal lang sa Party ang medyo magulo at anim na buwan
na rin akong hindi napapaaway, sanay akong makipagbuno, huwag mo
iyong alalahanin at siguradong dadalo ako sa Party."
Bago tuluyang umalis: "nais ko rin pong malaman ninyo ng mayroon
pong 'wild sex' sa Party."
"Lalong okey na okey, anim na buwan na akong walang sex. Ano nga
pala ang dapat kong isuot, Formal?, Casual?, Rugged ? . . . . . ."
"Kahit na ano puwede, total TAYONG DALAWA LANG NAMAN ANG
MAG-PA-PARTY"
Update Date August 2,2000
- ASINTADO DAW
Isang hunter mula sa lunsod ang lumuwas sa probinsya upang
mag-hunting.
Papunta sila sa kagubatan ng kanyang guide at panay ang
pagyayabang na
siya raw ay asintado at wala pa raw siyang ti-narget na
di tinamaan. Pagdating
sa kagubatan, agad siyang nakakita ng baboy damo, inasinta
. . . binaril . . . sablay.
Ang guide nagkakamot ng ulo, "Akala ko po talaga kayong
asintado."
"Asintado ako talaga, nagkaroon lang ng puwing ang mata
ko kaya ako sumablay.
Para patunayan ko sa iyo, babarilin ko iyong mga ibon na
lumilipad na nakapikit."
Ang guide nagdududa, "nakapikit at mapapalagpak nyo?"
"Oo, manood ka," Pumikit ang hunter na asintado 'kuno'
inumang at pinaputok ang
baril, ng magmulat siya ng mata hinanap niya ang ibon na
bumagsak.
"Aba, pambihira pala ang mga ibon dito sa inyo, PATAY NA
LUMILIPAD PA."
Update Date August 3,2000
- SUKO NA
Si Pedro at si Juan ay nagtatalo. Usapang maginoo, napagkasunduan
nila na para matapos na ang pagtatalo nila, daanin na lang sa
suntukan. Kung sino man ang matalo ay aamin na siya ang mali.
Napagkayarian din nila na kung sino ang suko na ay magsabi lang
ng 'tama na' para matigil ang suntukan at tanggapin ang pagkatalo.
Nang magsuntukan na ang dalawa, napaibabawan ni Pedro si Juan at
walang tigil niya itong pinagsusuntok sa mukha, si Juan sumuko at
sumigaw ang paulit-ulit "TAMA NA, TAMA NA." Ngunit si Pedro tuloy
pa rin ang pagsuntok sa mukha ni Juan na ginawa niyang 'punching bag'.
Inawat sila ng nanonood at tinanong si Pedro kung naririnig ba niya
ang sigaw ni Juan na TAMA NA, TAMA NA.
Sagot ni Pedro: "Oo naririnig ko, pero hindi ako naniniwala, sinungaling
iyang si Juan."
Update Date August 4,2000
- TAGALOG CLASS
Teacher: O.k. class, today we will be
translating english to tagalog. Who
would like to go first?
Student 1: I will go first mam.
Teacher: I want you to translate "I have a blue
book" in tagalog.
Student 1: That's easy mam. "Meron
akong Libro na asul."
Teacher: That's very good. O.k., who
would like to go next?
Student 2: Ako po mam, me, me, right
here, I want to go next.
Teacher: O.k, o.k. I want you to
translate guy, mother, father, and you, and
put in a sentence.
Student 2: Yon lang pala eh, madali
lang yan. "Guy" is Ma, "Mother" is mama,
"Father" is Tay, "You" is Ka.
Teacher: That's good! O.k., now put
it in a sentence.
Student 2: No problem! Mam,
"Ma-Mama-Tay-Ka".
Update Date August 7,2000
- WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN
When you say: "Ako ang tigas sa amin."
You really mean: "Ako ang tigas-saing ng kanin,
tigas-sampay ng labada at tigas-sundo sa eskuwela ng mga bata."
When you say: "Gagawin ko kahit ayaw ng misis ko."
You really mean: "Gagawin kong maghugas ng pinggan
kung ayaw niya, gagawin kong maglaba kung ayaw niya."
When you say: "Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay, HIWALAY!"
You really mean: "Hiniwalay ko na ang puti sa de-kolor
at baka kumupas ang labada."
When you say: "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw."
You really mean: "Hoy bilisan mo naman iyang kape at
niniginaw na ako dito sa labahan!"
When you say: "Ako ang laging nasusunod!"
You really mean: "Oo, dear susunod na ako sa iyo sa palengke."
When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang salita!"
You really mean: "Honey, huwag mo na akong batukan at masakit!"
When you say: "Inaabot siya sa akin ng mura!"
You really mean: "'Ling naman, mura lang naman iyong
sapatos na bibilhin ko!"
When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang tingin!
"You really mean: "Hon, patingin naman ng periodiko
pagkatapos mong basahin."
When you say: "Kaya ko siyang paluhurin!"
You really mean: "Paluhod niyang sinabing 'Hoy duwag,
lumabas ka riyan sa ilalim ng kama kungdi tatamaan ka sa akin!'"
When you say: "Hindi niya ako kayang paglabahin!"
You really mean: "Hindi puede kasi hindi pa ako tapos mamalantsa
Update Date August 8,2000
- WOMAN'S PRAYER
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
Sa edad na 50 - "Lord, please, please kaya ko pa..."
Sa edad na 60 - "Lord, please, nakikiusap na ako..."
Sa edad na 70 - "Lord, Forget it..ayaw ko na..."
Sa edad na 80 - "Lord, Wala ng pag-asa..."
Sa edad na 90 - "Lord, see you na lang..."
- COFFEE PLEASE
In the Old Navy (U.S. Navy), a steward is serving
coffee to Officers in the wardroom:
Coffee Sir?
Sanka . . . .
Tuguigarao Sir
Update Date August 9,2000
- MGA TRABAHO
Nagkita ang magkumpadre na matagal
na ring di nagkikita:
"Pare saan ka nag - tra- trabaho ngayon?"
"IBM, Pare", ang sagot."
"IBM eh, wala ka namang computer background ah?"
"Istambay Buong Maghapon."
"Eh ikaw Pare anong trabaho mo ngayon?"
"Chemist, Pare"
"Chemist, paanong nangyari 'yon eh, di ka naman
nag-college?"
"Ke Misis umaasa, Pare."
Update Date August 11,2000
- BAGONG SALTA SA MANHATTAN
Bagong salta sa Manhattan sa New York si Pepot galing
sa isang maliit na barrio sa Pilipinas. Manghang mangha
si Pepot sa laki at ganda at sa dami ng modernong mga
kagamitan sa Amerika.
Isang araw, naisipan ni Pepot na bisitahin ang kaniyang
kaibigan na matagal na Amerika na nagoopisina sa Manhattan.
"Wow!" 'ika ni Pepot ng makita niya yung "lobby" ng
"building" kung nasaan ang kaibigan niya.
"Napakaganda at modernong moderno ang 'building' na
ito," sabi ni Pepot sa sarili niya. Nakipila si
Pepot sa mga sasakay sa "elevator" at nung bumukas
ang pinto, sumama si Pepot sa mga nagsipasok. Hinahanap
ni Pepot sa mga "buttons" sa "elevator" upang pindutin
ang 8th Floor. Nung makita niya yung "button" na nakalagdang
"8", hindi niya napansin na isa sa mga sumakay na kasama niya
ang nakapindot na ng button na "8". Biglang umilaw ang button
na "8" habang tinitingnan niya. "Wow!, " sa loob loobin ni
Pepot, "talaga namang napakagaling dito sa Amerika. Iniisip
mo pa lang na pindutin yung button, e, umilaw na agad! Tapos,
nagsasalita pa yung elevator kung nasaang floor siya!.
Iba talaga dito sa Amerika!"
Nakabisita na si Pepot sa kaibigan at pagkatapos mananghalian kasama
ng kaibigan ay sumakay na siya sa isang MetroBus na pauwi sa kanila.
Napansin ni Pepot na may lumalabas na usok sa napakaraming mga "manholes"
at mga "drainage holes" sa mga kalsada ng Manhattan. Wika ni Pepot sa
sarili niya, "Napakagaling talaga dito sa Amerika. Akalain mo, pati
sa ilalim ng kalsada ay nakakapagsiga sila!"
Napansin rin ni Pepot na tuwing humihinto yung kaniyang MetroBus, may
binibigkas na mga pangalan ang "driver" ng MetroBus. Lumakad ang
Bus, tapos huminto. Malakas na sumigaw 'yung driver, "ROOSEVELT!".
Apat na pasahero ang nagtindigan, pumunta sa likod ng Bus at pagkahinto
ng Bus ay lumisan. Lumakad na naman yung Bus, tapos huminto ulit.
Malakas na namang sumigaw yung "driver", "KENNEDY!". Walong pasahero
ang nagtindigan, pumunta sa likod ng Bus at pagkahinto ng Bus ay lumisan.
Lumakad na naman yung Bus, tapos huminto ulit. Malakas na namang sumigaw
yung "driver", "GRANT!". Isang pasahero ang tumindig, pumunta sa likod ng
Bus at pagkahinto ng Bus ay lumisan. Tuloy ang biyahe ng Bus ni Pepot na
parehong ganoong ganoon ang nagaganap.
Wika ni Pepot sa sarili niya, "Napakagaling talaga dito sa Amerika.
Hindi lang alam ng driver ng bus kung saan ang mga tao nakatira, alam
pati niya ang mga pangalan ng mga pasahero niya!"
Tuloy na naman ang biyahe ng Bus ni Pepot at pareho pa ring ganoon
ang nagaganap.
Pagkaraan ng isang oras, napansin ni Pepot, na wala ng ibang pasahero
sa Bus kundi ang sarili niya. Napansin rin niya na palapit na ang kaniyang
"bus stop" ngunit mabilis pa ang takbo ng bus niya at hindi pa natatawag
ang pangalan niya.
Nagmadaling lumapit si Pepot sa "bus driver". Lumingon yung "bus driver"
nung katabi na niya si Pepot. Biglang sumigaw yung "bus driver", "Please
step behind the white line! Whaddya want?"
Sagot ni Pepot, "Sir, MACAPAGAL, sir!"
Update Date August 14,2000
- MASAKIT
Isang magandang dalaga ang nagpunta sa doctor upang magpagamot.
"Doc, masyado pong masakit ang boung katawan ko."
"Hmmmmnnn, boung katawan? be more specific."
Bahagyang diniinan ng dalaga ng kanyang hintuturo ang kanyang tuhod,
at siya ay namilipit sa sakit, halos di pa nakakanti ng kanyang
hintuturo ang kanyang siko ng ituro niya ito sa Doctor at siya ay
mapapaiyak sa matinding sakit, ganoon din ang resulta ng ituro niya
kanyang ulo, kamay, mukha, paa at iba pang bahagi ng kanyang katawan.
"Doc, baka po kaya mayroon na akong AIDS, O kaya nakulam ako?"
"Kung hindi ka ba naman sira. Eh, BALI ang hintuturo mo."
Update Date August 17,2000
- OLD CHINESE IN DEATH BED
"Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!"
"Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?" "Dito
po!" "Akyen daughter 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!"
"Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?" "Dito din po!"
"Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao tindahan!"
Dying Chinese: "Ako lapit na patay. Ikaw sabi totoo kung sino ama ng
bunso natin kasi pangit siya kumpala sa 9 kapatid niya."
Wife: "Huwag ka galit siya lang tunay mo anak!"
Update Date August 21,2000
Submitted by Pepe
- SI INAY
Dalawa lang silang mag-ina sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag
dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the
mother died. The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried
back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family
wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi
sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she
decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied..
Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya
na hindi maganda. Ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit
na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi
sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". To cut the story short
they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng takip (salamin) ng
coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa baba ng dibdib ng kanilang inay.
Dahan-dahan kinuha at nangi-nginig na binukasan ni Kuya (panganay na anak)
ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng buong pamilya. Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito:
"Mahal Kong mga Kapatid, Hayan na si Inay!!!
Pasyensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa
Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko na nga
lang sa kanya ay kulang-kulang sa sampung libo (kabaong at shipment).
Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama
ni inay ang:
- dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo.
- anim na bagong labas na Reebok sneakers...isa suo-suot ni Ninay...and lima
nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan.
- iba't ibang klaseng tsokokate, nasa puwit ni Inay...maghati-hati na kayong lahat...
- anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at
isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko.
- isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot suot
din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan.
- dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot
din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate......
- walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay...Kuya, Diko, isa-isa na
kayo, at mga pamangkin ko.
- ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na.
- ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni
Inay. Kunin mo na.
- mga Chanel na medyas, suot suot din ni Inay. Tig-i tig-isa na kayo at mga
pamangkin ko.
Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang
ako pagkatapos ng libing.
Nagmamahal na kapatid,
Nene
Update Date August 25,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Forth Worth, TX
- TANONG AT SAGOT
Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang mamamatay na siya?
A: I'm daing!
Q: Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya sa gitna?
A: I'm tuna (two na).
Q: Ano ang tawag kapag sinuot mo ang kanang sapatos sa
kaliwang paa at ang kaliwang sapatos sa kanang paa?
A: Malicious (mali shoes).
Q: Ano ang sinabi ni Satanas nang ipanganak AKO?
A: "Lintek! Isa na namang anghel ang ipinanganak."
Q: Ano naman ang sinabi niya nang ipanganak KA?
A: "Oh, no! Hindi puwede ito! Ayoko pang mag-retire!"
Q: Sino ang unang arkitekto?
A: Si Eba, kasi siya ang unang nagpatayo.
Q: Sino ang unang estudyante?
A: Si Adan, kasi siya ang unang pumasok.
Q: Paano gumawa ng gloves sa China?
A: Sinasawsaw ng mga Intsik ang kanilang mga kamay sa latex,
maglalakad-lakad hanggang matuyo at aalisin nila, pagkatapos
ay gloves na.
Q: Paano sila gumawa ng condom?
A: Ganoon din.
Q: Anong sasabihin mo kapag may nakasalubong ka ng isang
multong may tatlong
ulo?
A: Magandang gabi, magandang gabi, magandang gabi.
Q: Anong English word ang nag-uumpisa sa F at nagtatapos sa K at
parang pagkain na rin ang iisipin mo?
A: Fork, ano pa ba?
Q: Ano ang pagkakatulad ng sex at insurance?
A: Habang tumatanda ka, tumataas ang presyo.
Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga
walang asawang lalaki?
A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan ang
laman ng ref niya at kapag walang nakita, humihiga na lang sa
kama para matulog. Ang may asawa, pag-uwi, titingnan ang kama
at makikita ang misis nila, pumupunta na lang sa kusina para
buksan ang ref nila.
Q: Paano mo malalaman ang kasarian ng cell phone?
A: Kapag may nakalawit na antenna, lalaki 'yun. Kapag wala,
siguradong babae ang cell phone.
Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng lalaking tumataya sa lotto at ang
lalaking nakikipag-away sa misis niya.
A: Mas malaki ang tsansa ng lalaking manalo sa lotto kaysa
sa pakikipag-away sa misis niya.
Q: Paano mo makikilala ang mga head nurse sa hospital?
A: Sila 'yung puro may sugat sa tuhod.
Q: Kailan tumatayo ang kanibal mula sa hapag kainan?
A: Kapag nakain nang lahat ang kasamahan.
Q: Ano ang pagkakatulad ni Winnie the Pooh at John the Baptist?
A: Iisa ang ina nila. Kita mo, iisa ang middle name nila.
Q: What's the difference between a kiss, a car, and a monkey?
A: A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear, a monkey is you my dear.
Q: What's the difference between Prince William and a Honda Civic?
A: Prince William is a Tudor while a Civic is a Sedan.
Q: What will happen to a wooden car with a wooden wheel and a
wooden engine?
A: It wooden start.
Update Date Sept. 5,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Forth Worth, TX
- SPIELBERG AND A PINOY
A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he
sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was
already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy
sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the
Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the
director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"
Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##!
My dad perished in that bombing!"
#@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!"
exclaimed the Pinoy. The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah...
Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you're all the same!"
Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants,
straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took
his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips,
the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick,
sending the director flying halfway across the room. "What was that
for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.
"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!"
the Pinoy answered back. "You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by
an iceberg!" exclaimed the director.
"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the
same . . .... also!"
Update Date Sept. 7,2000
- TRIVIA
Q: Bakit naman shy ang toes?
A: Kasi "foot-ang-ina" niya.
Update Date Sept. 11,2000
- CORNY PINOY LOVE NOTES
You're like my kulangot...because You're hard to get.
You're like my kuto...I can't get you outta my head.
You're like my pustiso...I can't smile without you.
You're like a suppository...you bring out what's bad in me.
You're like a yosi vendor...you give me HOPE and MORE.
You're like ovalteens...I just can't get enough.
You're like my bra...salo salo mo ang dibdib ko.
You're like my shoes...You're always there, wherever I go.
When I am with you, I feel like matatae...because you make me kilig to
the bones.
You're like constipation...you take my breath away.
You're like my sweat...you relieve me when I'm hot.
You're like extelcom...you never stop caring about me
(must be a P.I. thing).
You're like SM...because you've got it all (must be a P.I. thing).
Hindi ka pa ba napapagod? Kasi kanina ka pa tumatakbo sa
isipan ko.
Nawawala ang puso ko,. Paki check mo nga kung nasa pocket mo!
You're like a balikbayan box...because I get excited when you
arrive.
I'll see you in court...dahil ninakaw mo ang aking puso.
You're like a jingle joke...you bring the corny out of me.
Update Date Sept. 13,2000
- CARABAO ENGLISH
EXCERPTS FROM ENGLISH-FILIPINO DICTIONARY:
ASPECT: pantusok / pandurog ng yelo
CITY: bago mag-ocho
DEDUCT: ang bibe
DEFEAT: ang paa
DEPOSIT: ang gripo
DETAIL: ang buntot
DEVASTATION: istasyon ng bus
EFFORT: kung saan nagla-landing ang erflane
MELT: ngamit mantali sa mewang mara indi maulog ang
mantalon
PERSUADING: unang kasal
DEPRESS: ang nagkasal sa persuading
PREDICATE: pakawalan mo ang pusa
PROTESTANT: tindahan ng prutas
STATUE: ikaw ba 'yan?
Update Date Sept. 15,2000
- MORE CARABAO ENGLISH
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX
1. Tenacious - Bepor you go out, put your tenacious on.
2. Deposit - Call da plahmer, deposit is leaking!
3. Splat - Oh my goodness, my tire splat!
4. Associate - When I went to da bathroom, associate in da toilet so I
plashed it.
5. Hostess - When da pone rings, I ask hostess?
6. Beef Stew - My beeper beeps, does yours beef stew?
7. Persuading - This month will be my cousins persuading anniversary.
8. Depressed - Depressed is da one who leads mass on Sundays.
9. Deficit - Bepore eyou jahmp in da pool, check how deficit.
10. Penis - Bepre eyou go out and play, penis your homework!
11. Statue - Oy, Pedro...statue?
12. Uno, Dos, Tres - Uno! dos tres are burning!
13. Candidate - I ordered too much pood, I think I canididate!
14. Chicken Nut Bread - My sister can't swim, when she jahmps in da water
chicken nut bread.
Update Date Sept. 18,2000
- ANG LORO
Tuwang-tuwa at parating pinagmamalaki nung Monsignor yung
kaniyang alagang loro.
Wika nung Monsignor, "Itong aking loro ay hindi lang
napakagaling magsalita kundi napakabanal pa! Kapag aking
hinigit yung kadena sa kaniyang kaliwang paa, siya'y
magsasalita ng buong dasal ng Ama Namin. Kapag akin
namang hinigit yung kadena sa kaniyang kanang paa,siya'y
magsasalita ng buong dasal ng Aba Ginoong Maria."
Tanong nung isang aleng nakikinig, "Monsignor, kung sabay
mong hatakin yung kadena sa kaniyang magkabilang paa, ano
ang kaniyang isasalita?"
Sagot nung Monsignor, "Sapagkat hindi ko pa naisipang gawin
yang itinatanong mo, purbahan natin ngayon!" at sabay na
hinatak nung Monsignor ang kadena sa magkabilang paa nung
loro.
Biglang nagsalita yung loro... "Tangna naman, Padre, mahuhulog
ako diyan sa ginagawa mong 'yan, eh!
Update Date Sept. 20,2000
Submitted by Pepe.
- TSIMAY STORY
SENORITA: Inday, magluto ka ng marami mamaya.
Dadating ang mga amiga ko.
INDAY : Yes mam! Ano'ng klase ng luto ang gusto
n'yo, Yung babalik pa sila uli o hindi na!
- FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
ARTIST:For the sake of arts,huwag mong pipintasan
itong painting ko!
CRITIC: For the sake of humanity, huwag mo nang
i-display 'yang painting mo!
Update Date Sept. 21,2000
Submitted by Pepe.
- FASCINATE
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence.
Maria said, "My family went to the Zoo, and we saw all
the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate.`"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Magic Kingdom.
I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.`"
Mario raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Mario was
noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Mario said, "My sister has a new sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only fasten 8."
Update Date Sept. 25,2000
Submitted by Pepe.
- FRANK
Kahit hirap mag-englis, panay pa rin ang ligaw ni Alfredo sa isang Amerikana:
KANA: I like men who are frank.
ALFREDO: My name is Alfredo, not frank.
- TORPE
MONA: Pambihira talaga ang bf ko.
MIA: Bakit naman?
MONA: Sakay kami ng kotse. Nasa Ortigas na kami nang tanungin niya ako kung saan kami dapat pumunta. Ang sabi ko ay kahit saan kami makarating.
MIA: (Kinikilig) Naku, anong nangyari?
MONA: Well..pinaandar niya ang kotse, nakapasyal ako ng Laguna di oras.
Update Date Sept. 26,2000
Submitted by Pepe.
- KKB
Pagkatapos nang date nila, inihatid ni Tony si Tess
anticipating a goodnight kiss.
TONY: Salamat sa date,ha? Sana maulit.
TESS: Okey lang, pero since Dutch treat tayo buong
gabi, you kiss yourself and i'll kiss myself goodnight.
Update Date Sept. 28,2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- MANNER OF SPEAKING
Speaking Japanese
Tanong: ano sa hapon ang 'itatama ko ang pagkakamaling ito?'
Sagot: KO-KOREK-KO-TO
Tanong: Ano sa japanese ang nakabili ng mura!
Sagot: eh! di! Nakamura
Kengkay: how do you say skinny in japanese?
Menggay: i don't know...
Kengkay: eh di, purobuto!
Speaking French
city- ce vou
drugs- sha vou
goodbye- va vou
bald- cal vou
caught in the act- na vou cou
feathers- valahe vou
not clear- mala vou
sink- lava vou
erap- vou vou
Update Date Oct.2, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- MAMAMANGKA
May isang mamamangka, negro, at americana.
Paano sila tatawid sa kabilang isla kung ang bangka ay kaya lang magdala
nang
dalawang tao?
Paano sila tatawid sa kabilang isla?
Sagot: Papasakayin ang negro sa bangka tapos isusuot nang mamamangka ang
americana.
Update Date Oct.3, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- ANO?
Ano ang gagawin mo sa isang taong unconscious?
SAGOT: Titigan mo para ma-conscious.
Tanong: Anong tawag sa chinese na lumpo?
Sagot: eh! di! lumpongshanghai
Update Date Oct.4, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- ANO ANG TAWAG
Ano and tawag sa...
maliit na duck - "panduck"
tirahan ng maliit na duck- "Pandacan"
mataas na duck - "boonduck"
nagulat na duck - "nasinduck"
photogenic na duck - "kodak"
malaking duck sa Ilocos- "duck-il"
madaldal na duck - "dakdak"
pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck-"duck-tape"
manggagamot na duck- "ducktor"
musikero na duck- "conducktor"
bayaning duck - "duckila"
Update Date Oct.6, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- USE IN A SENTENCE
SPANISH TEACHER: Ok class, use "puera" in a sentence.
STUDENT: Mi maestra es muy bonita.
TEACHER: That's very flattering but where is
the word "puera"?
STUDENT: Puera ka!
Update Date Oct.9, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- CITIZENSHIP
A Filipino lady was taking the exam for US
naturalization and citizenship. She aced the
test. The examiner said, "Now, the last part of the exam
is a vocabulary test. Can you spell the word 'Window?'"
The lady said, "W-I-N-D-O-W." "Ah, very good,"
the examiner said, "Now, use it in a sentence."
"WINDOW I get my citizenship papers?"
Update Date Oct.10, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- FLY
FLY ASIAN SPIRITS!
You fly as asians, you land as spirits!
FLY CEBU PACIFIC!
You depart from Cebu, you arrive
at the PACIFIC ocean!
Update Date Oct.12, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- MAN ASKING GOD
Man: God how long is a million years 2 u?
God: A second.
Man: How much is $1 million to u?
God: A cent.
Man: Can I have a cent?
God: Just a second............
Update Date Oct.13, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- IMELDA MARCOS' PRAYER
Armani,
Which art in Hermes,
Hallowed be thy Gucci.
Thy Cartier watch,
Thy Prada bag,
On Rodeo,
As it is in Tiffany's.
Give us this day, our Visa Titanium
And forgive us this overdraft,
As we forgive those who decline our
Mastercard.
Lead us not into JC Penney,
And deliver us from Sears.
For thine is the Chanel, the
Gaultier, and the Versace,
For Dolce and Gabbana...
Amex.
- ONLY IF
If only ADAM & EVE were Asians, they
would not have committed the original sin.
Kakanin nila ang ahas at
ibebenta na lang ang mansanas.
Update Date Oct.16, 2000
Submitted by Pepe.
MORE PINOY ENGLISH:
ICE BUKO - Nagpagupit ako kanina, tingnan mo nga, ice buko?
PERSUADING - Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992. So last
June 1, 1993, they are going to celebrate their persuading anniversary.
DEVASTATION - I wait for the bus at devastation every morning.
CONCLUSION and OPINION - (Pointing to a door): Conclusion, hindi opinion.
Update Date Oct.18, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- SINAMPAL
Wife sinampal ang asawa.
Wife: Sino si Jasmine sa panaginip mo?
Husband: Yung kabayong bet ko sa karera!
NEXT DAY...sinampal ulit.
Husband: baket?
Wife: Tumawag ang kabayo mo!
Update Date Oct.19, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- MAGANDA
Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang ang inasahan ko
hindi sana mangyayari yan!
- BAGO
A newcomer in hell complaining to satan that the girls
there are beautiful pero 'walang butas'.
Satan replied: Pag may butas yan e di nasa langit ka na!
Update Date Oct.20, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- BAKIT
Baket kapag nalalaglag ang TINIDOR may LALAKI daw na darating at
kung KUTSARA ay BABAE?
SAGOT: Kase ang lalaki nanunusok...ang babae nanunubo!
- AYOKO NA
Ayoko nang magpakasal sa iyo,
Dahil pag kasal na tayo, dapat kong gamitin ang sa iyo.
Hindi ko kaya,masyadong mahaba, mahihirapan ako.
Ngawit at ngalay na ang kamay ko,
hindi pa tapos ang ipagagawa mo.
Mantakin mo...
Garchitorina de Misericordia y Aguardecimiento,
sobrang haba ng apelyido mo!
Update Date Oct.23, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- CONDOM
WOMAN IN A DRUG STORE: Meron kayong Extra Large condoms?
PHARMACIST: Meron, bibili ka?
WOMAN: Hindi muna, intay lang muna ko ng lalaki na bibili.
- PAHABAAN NG BUHAY
Boy1: Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay 88 years old na.
Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old.
Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda PINATAY na lang namin.
Update Date Oct.24, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- DUDA
DENTIST: Hiwalay na tayo. Nagdududa na ang Mister mo.
BABAE: But I love you.
DENTIST: Sorry, sweetheart, ubos nang "alibi" mo. Isang NGIPIN na
lang ang natitira sa iyo!
- PILLS
BF: Hon, di ako makatulog pwede ba tayong mag-sex?
GF: Hindi pwede! anong palagay mo nung sa kin--sleeping pills?
Update Date Oct.30, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- BATANGUENYO
Noong unang panahon may tatlong magkakaibigan na nagpunta sa kabundukan ng
Mt. Makiling upang mag-hunting. Isang tiga-Maynila, isang tiga-Bikol at
isang tiga-Batangas.
Sa paghahanap nila ng mababaril na usa at baboy-damo napasuot sila sa
isang tribo ng mga katutubo. Sila ay hinuli at iniharap sa pinaka-hari ng
tribo. Hinatulan sila ng kamatayan sa pamamagitan ng pagpugot ng kanilang
ulo kung hindi masisiyahan sa kanilang mga sagot sa anumang itatanong ng
anak na prinsesa ng hari.
Unang tinanong ang Manila boy:
Princesa : "Anong tawag mo rito? sabay turo sa pisngi ng princesa.
Manila Boy : "Mahal na princesa ang tawag po namin diyan ay 'Pisngi'".
Hindi nasiyahan ang princesa kaya pinugutan ng ulo si Manila Boy.
Sumunod na tinanong ang Bikolano...
Princesa: "Ikaw ginoo, anong tawag mo rito? sabay turo sa mukha.
Ilokano : "Mukha" po mahal na princesa ang tawag po namin diyan".
Hindi rin nasiyahan ang princesa. Pugot ulo rin si Bikolano.
Takot na takot na si Batanguenyo pero sumagot siya nang tanungin ng
princesa:
Princesa : "Ikaw ginoo, anong tawag mo rito?"
Sagot : "Ang tawag po namin diyan sa Batangas mahal na Princesa ay
"dambana ng tuwa, galak at pag-galang".
Princesa : "ipaliwanag mo ang iyong kasagutan, ginoo".
Sagot : "Kasi sa amin po pag kami ay natuwa, nagalak o kaya ay gumalang,
kami po ay humahalik diyan".
Princesa: sabay turo sa dibdib/suso "anong tawag mo rito?"
Sagot : "Mahal na princesa, tawag po namin diyan ay "bukal ng buhay at
kalusugan, kasi diyan po umiinom ang mga bata upang mabuhay at maging
malusog".
Princesa: sabay turo sa bandang sikmura/tiyan, "anong tawag mo rito?"
Sagot : "bartolina po, kasi siyam na buwan nakukulong ang aming mga anak
diyan"
Princesa: anong tawag mo rito? sabay taas ng palda at itinuro ang ari na
walang suot na panty (hindi pa uso noon).
Sagot : sabay luhod at nag-antada ng kuros , mahal na princesa, tawag po
namin diyan ay "ALTAR NG DALANGINAN" kasi diyan po namin itinitirik ang
aming mga kandila!
Nasiyahan ng husto ang Princesa. Pinalaya si Mr. Batangas.
Update Date Oct.31, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- MULAN
Know the movie "MULAN?"
Part four na yon!
First episode nun "Mulog," then "Midlat," Tapos "Mambon,"
saka palang....
"Mulan" Coming soon na ang "Magyo,"
Next ang "Maha," finally "Maraw".
- INGAT
Sabi nila nauubos na raw ang mga puno, isda at ibon
sa mundo. Ang masakit pa rito ay dahan-dahan daw
namamatay ang mga unggoy. Kaya naalala agad kita...
ingat ka ha?
Update Date Nov.1, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- CRUSH
If you were my CRUSH
I would admire you
If you were my FRIEND
I would treasure you
If you were ME, grabe mag artista ka na, Sayang ka!
- WHEN
When I was lost you were there,
When I was down you were there.
When I was heartbroken you were there.
When I got really sick you were there.
ABA, hindi kaya ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko?
Update Date Nov.6, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
Hi friends! I'm sure you'll notice the similarity of Tagalog with the
Malay language. Read on......
ANGMOH IN KUALA LUMPUR
One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he
checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet,
so he looked for one.
When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance.
When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and
asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Ang Moh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the
cock" before entering the toilet?
So he said "no" but the lady insisted.
Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her
The lady said "No! No!", "Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay), but
the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do
it!"
So he asked, "Now? Here ?"
The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand
English.
The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he
stripped the lady and made love to her.
The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay),
and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!"
He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck
them.
The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay).
The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be
gentler
a bit,"
the Ang Moh replied.
Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help,
"TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" ( Help! Help! Chinese! in Malay )
The Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."
Update Date Nov.8, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- ANO ANG
Anong saging ang mataba? SABA
Anong saging ang maliit? SEÑORITA
Yung sinusubo pati balat?.. starts with a T? sirit na? Esep..esep..!
Ano pa eh di TURON!!! Huwag esepsama!
Update Date Nov.13, 2000
Submitted by Pepe.
- NAGBAGO NA
Nagbalikbayan ang mister ni Mona:
MONA: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin?
RAMON: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako.
MONA: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin?
RAMON: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako.
MONA: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin.
RAMON: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na akwo.
Update Date Nov.15, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- ANG BULAG
Isang bulag ang pumasok sa isang maliit na restaurant.
Sinalubong siya ng waiter at wala sa isip na nagbigay ng menu.
Hindi mo ba napansing bulag ako? Bigyan mo na lang ako ng mga gamit
na tinidor at nang malaman ko kung ano ang kakainin ko! bulyaw ng
bulag.
Hindi na nagtanong ang nalilitong waiter at kumuha ng dalawang tinidor
na hindi pa hugas at binigay sa bulag. Inamoy ng bulag ang una. Fried
chicken!Hindi ako kumakain ng fried chicken, sabi ng bulag pagkaamoy ng unang
tinidor at inamoy naman ang ikalawang tinidor. Eto, meatloaf, bigyan mo
ako niyan.
Namangha ang waiter at dumiretso ito sa kusina para kausapin ang cook na
si Maria. Ang galing noong bulag, oh, amoy pa lang alam na niya ang oorderin
niya, magluto ka nga ng meatloaf, kuwento ng waiter kay Maria.
Nagluto si Maria ng meatloaf at ibinigay sa bulag.
Nasarapan ang customer kaya nagbigay ito ng malaking tip.
Kinabukasan, bumalik ang bulag at nagbigay na naman ng dalawang tinidor
ang waiter para ipaamoy rito. Ito, gusto ko ng porkchop, sabi ng bulag
pagkaamoy pa lang ng unang tinidor.
Sa ikatlong araw, umamoy na naman ang bulag ng dalawang tinidor.
Hindi ako kumakain ng hamburger. Ito namang isa, meatloaf ulit.
Wala na bang bago? reklamo ng bulag.
Teka lang ho, sabi ng waiter sabay labas.Kumuha ng malinis na tinidor ang
waiter at pinahid sa loob ng panty ni Maria para paglaruan ang customer.
Subukan n'yo po ito, sabi ng waiter na iniabot ang tinidor na pinunas sa
panty ni Maria. Aba!, gulat na sabi ng bulag.
Dito na ba nagtratrabaho si Maria?
Update Date Nov.20, 2000
- HOW DO YOU KNOW
How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?
Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it.
If the cat likes it....rat,
if it doesn't...cat,
if it runs...dog!
Update Date Nov.22, 2000
- MGA TANONG
How does a pickpocket fall in love?
At purse sight.
Anong tawag sa sakit ng baboy?
Pig-sa.
Eh ano ang gamot sa pigsa?
EEh di oink-ment!
Update Date Nov.27, 2000
Submitted by Pepe and Pilar.
Ano ang dapat gawin kung tinatamad kang magtrabaho?
Huwag aabsent.
Huwag male-late.
Pagkaupo mo sa iyong lamesa, buksan isa-isa ang drawer at magkalkal.
Kunwari ay may hinahanap.
Pagkatapos mong magkalkal, tumayo ka at tunguhin ang mga filing cabinet.
Maghanap ka ng ipis.
Kung wala kang mahanap, tingnan mo ang iyong incoming & outgoing tray.
Kalkalin at maghanap ng mga natira sa iyong mga kinutkot kahapon.
Huwag kakainin muli. Labag sa kagandahang asal.
Kung naglalaway ka sa mga iyon ay kunin mo ang nagamit mong tissue paper
na nailagay mo sa iyong front drawer at ipunas sa laway mo.
Pagkatapos ay ilagay muli sa drawer. Maaari mo pang magamit iyon bukas.
Malaking katipiran sa iyo.
Kung biglang dumating ang iyong boss, hawakan kaagad ang telepono at
magsalita. Kunwari ay tinatanong ka ng iyong kausap tungkol sa mga dokumento.
Sumagot ka ng "Oh! I am sorry but I will bring that to your office immediately."
Kumuha kaagad ng kahit anong folder at magpaalam ng maayos at buong giliw sa
iyong boss. Lumabas ng nagmamadali.
Pumunta ka sa CR. Magsuklay. Tingnan mabuti ang sarili. Mag-retouch kung babae.
Tingnan kung baligtad ang underwear na naisuot at kung lalaki, maghilamos at
basain ng konti ang buhok. Magtiris ng mga taghiyawat. Magtagal ng mga limang
minuto.
Pagkabalik mo sa iyong opisina, buksan ang computer. Hintaying matapos ang
Auto Scan. Marami ring minuto ang magugugol dito. Magbukas ng isang file...
Isa pa... at isa pa uli...!!! Pumunta sa ccmail, tingnan ang inbox kung may
hindi pa nababasa. Magbasa.
Kunwari ay bagong pasok ka lamang sa Grade One.
Pagkatapos ay kunin ang mga dapat gawing report. Titigang mabuti.
Pag-aralan ang klase ng papel na ginamit. Bilangin kung ilang words
ang nagamit.
Kung may tumawag sa telepono, kaagad sagutin. Huwag mong hayaang ibaba
kaagad ng kausap. Kumustahin. Tanungin tungkol sa mga National Issues
katulad ng tungkol sa mga jokes kay Erap o kaya ang pagkamatay ni Princess
Di. Kumustahin din ang latest style ng kanyang damit pati na kung saan
nagpapa-manicure at pedicure. Huwag lalagpas ng isang oras ang
pakikipag-usap. Magagalit ang iyong boss.
Kung may report na tatapusin, tapusin ng eksakto sa deadline hour.
Kung may ita-type, magtype ng 10 wpm.
Tunguhin ang mga file na inipon sa loob ng ilang araw. Ayusin isa-isa
habang ini-imagine ang sarili na sumasahod ng 15,000 pesos isang buwan.
Huwag tatapusin. Magtira ng para sa ilang araw na gawain.
Palaging magtungo sa CR. Kunwari ay may LBM. Palagi ring bumisita sa
ibang department, makipagchikahan.
Huwag mong titingnan ang iyong relo habang ginagawa mo ang lahat ng nasa itaas.
Kapag ginawa mo iyon ay lalo kang maiinip. Hayaang mag-enjoy ang sarili sa iyong
katamaran. Magugulat ka na lamang na "time" na pala para umuwi.
Ayusin ang lamesa na para bang napakarami ng iyong trinabaho. At bago umuwi,
dumaan ng CR. Tingnan at hipuin ang mukha kung gaano kakapal. Huwag pansinin
ang mga kasamahan na mula umaga ay tingin ng tingin sa iyo. Hindi naman sila
ang nagpapasuweldo.
Update Date December 4, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
Bakit sa Tagalog???
Kung ang I LOVE YOU ay INIIBIG KITA, bakit ang umiibig
(I) at ang iniibig (YOU) ay mukhang tuwirang naglaho
sa pagkakasalin? Dahil ba kung umibig ang Pilipino ay
nawawala ang AKO at IKAW at nagiging isa at nagsasanib
sa KITA? Iyon din marahil ang dahilan kung bakit ang
kasal ay PAG-IISANG-DIBDIB at ang asawa ay KABIYAK NG
PUSO.
Bakit may tawag tayo sa limang daliri ng
kamay---HINLALAKI, HINTUTURO, HINLALATO, PALASINSINGAN
at KALINGKINGAN-pero sa daliri ng paa ay wala? Kung
ang bicycle ay BISIKLETA, bakit ang motorcycle ay
MOTORSIKLO at hindi MOTORSIKLETA? O kaya'y BISIKLO?
Bakit ang SILANGAN (kung saan sumisilang ang araw) at
KANLURAN (kung saan kumakanlong ang araw) ay maliwanag
ang ibig sabihin, pero ang HILAGA at TIMOG ay hindi mo
alam ang pinagmulan?
Kung ang likod ng tuhod ay ALAK-ALAKAN, bakit wala
tayong tawag sa likod ng siko? Kung ang IN ay
ginagamit sa gitlapi sa prito para maging PRINITO, sa
gisa para maging GINISA, at sa paksiw para maging
PINAKSIW, bakit sa laga ang ginagamit ay ang unlaping
NI para maging NILAGA. Bakit hindi LINAGA dahil hindi
naman natin sinasabing NIPRITO o NIGISA o NIPAKSIW?
Alin ba ang tama?
Bakit may tawag tayo sa four seasons-TAGLAMIG,
TAGSIBOL, TAG-INIT at TAGLAGAS-gayong ang panahon sa
Pilipinas ay TAG-ARAW at TAG-ULAN lamang? Kung may
inang PUTA, bakit walang amang PUTO? Lahat ba ng
lalaking kalapati ay matataas ang lipad?
Bakit nakagawian na nating sabihing isang SENTIMO at
limang SENTIMOS? Wala naman sa balarilang Tagalog ang
pagdudugtong ng "s" sa pangngalan para ito maging
maramihan. Hindi naman natin sinasabing limang PISOS,
'di ba? Kung ang left-handed ay KALIWETE, ano ang
right-handed?
Kung tradisyunal na nating itinuturing na ang ama ang
haligi ng tahanan, bakit ang asawang babae ay ang
MAYBAHAY at ang asawang lalaking ay ang TAO lamang?
Bakit nakasanayan na nating sabihin NAKAKAINIS,
NAKAKATAKOT o NAKAKAALIW? 'Di ba ang dapat na inuulit
ay ang unang pantig ng salitang-ugat? Kaya dapat ay
NAKAIINIS, NAKATATAKOT at NAKAAALIW.
Kung sinasabi nating AMOY ARAW, LASANG IPIS o MUKHANG
ANGHEL, mayroon na ba talagang nakalanghap ng araw,
nakatikim ng ipis or nakakita ng anghel?
Mayroon naman tayong LOLO at LOLA, AMA at INA, at TIYO
at TIYA, bakit wala tayong isang-salitang katumbas ng
SON at DAUGHTER, NEPHEW at NIECE, at GRANDSON at
GRANDDAUGHTER? Itinuturing ba nating asexual ang
ANAK,
PAMANGKIN at APO?
Bakit sa Tagalog maraming katumbas ang
LOVE---PAG-IBIG, PAGMAMAHAL, PAGSINTA, PAG-IROG,
PAGLIYAG, PAGGILIW? Dahil ba ang Pilipino ay likas na
palasintahin?
Update Date December 7, 2000
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- NAKALUNOK
Man: Doc, help me uminom ako ng baygon.
Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?
Man: Hindi. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis.
Doc: Tange! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas.
- 2 KADETE
Pedro: Pare may tsismis na may bading dito sa dorm natin.
Juan: Huh! Sino?
Pedro: Sasabihin ko sa iyo pero kiss muna.
Update Date December 11, 2000
Submitted by Pepe.
- USE IN A SENTENCE I
Use UNO, DOS, TRES in a sentence:
UNO, DOS TRES are on fire.
Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence:
I went to a party last night. There was so much food pero co-CONTEMPLATE.
Use CURTAIN and KITCHEN in one sentence:
Aray! Huwag mo akong CURTAIN. Masa-KITCHEN.
Use PUNCTUATION in a sentence:
Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng PUNCTUATION.
Use GUAVA in a sentence:
I just had a haircut. Masa-GUAVA?
Update Date December 12, 2000
Submitted by Pepe.
- USE IN A SENTENCE II
Use ICE BUKO in a sentence:
Nagpagupit ako kanina. ICE BUKO ba?
Use STATUE in a sentence:
Hello Margie, i-STATUE?
Use PERSUADING in a sentence:
Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992 so on June 1, 1993,
they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary.
- To be continued ....
Update Date December 14, 2000
Use DEVASTATION in a sentence:
I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION every morning.
Use CONCLUSION and OPINION in one sentence:
(Pointing to a door): CONCLUSION, hindi OPINION.
Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in one sentence:
At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant, "Do I PAMPERS or do I PAPERS?"
Use DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES in one sentence:
If the royal family has a baby boy, he is called DIFFERENCE; if they have a
baby girl, she is called DIFFERENCES.
Use PROTESTANT in a sentence:
Apples, oranges, and other fruits can be bought at the PROTESTANT.
- To be continued ....
Update Date December 18, 2000
Use ANALYZE and ANATOMY in one sentence:
My ANALYZE over the ocean so bring back my ANATOMY.
Use IRAQ, IRAN and EGYPT in one sentence:
IRAQ is bigger than a stone; IRAN is faster than a walk; and EGYPT
is smaller than a truck.
Use INDAY in a sentence:
(In your best Whitney Houston voice): INDAAAAAAAAAAY will always love
you...ooooooo.
Use ASSOCIATE in a sentence:
I looked in the toilet and ASSOCIATE.
Use DINUGUAN in a sentence:
I tried turning on the TV but no matter how many times I tried DINUGUAN.
- To be continued ....
Update Date December 20, 2000
Use PAUL five times in a sentence:
PAUL, be carePAUL; you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL and make a
PAUL of yourself.
Use HOSTESS in a sentence:
When you answer the phone, you say, "Hello, HOSTESS?"
Use CASHEW and SKATE in a sentence:
I want to have a tattoo sana CASHEW mukhang ma-SKATE e.
Use CUISINE in a sentence:I hope you studied last night because
our teacher might give a surprise CUISINE Math.
Use DEFICIT in a sentence:
Before going into the pool, I always check how DEFICIT.
Use DEPRESSED in a sentence:
DEPRESSED is the person who conducts the mass every Sunday.
- To be continued ....
Update Date December 22, 2000
Use CALCULATOR in a sentence:
I can't talk to you on the phone right now, but I'll CALCULATOR.
Use KULONG in a sentence:
Wow, ang bango mo ah! What's your KULONG?
Use COMPLEX in a sentence:
Every morning I eat COMPLEX with milk.
Use SPECIMEN in a sentence:
I saw some SPECIMEN inside the spaceship.
Use EFFORT in a sentence:
The airplane landed on the EFFORT.
Use DECIBEL in a sentence:
May nakita akong sirena kanina. Siya pala'y si DECIBEL.
- To be continued ....
Update Date December 26, 2000
Use SUSPICIOUS in a sentence:
Mare, ang laki pala ng bahay ninyo. It's SUSPICIOUS.
Use LION in a sentence:
Pare, nasaktan ba kita kanina? Huwag mo isipin pare, LION.
Use BAKING POWDER in a sentence:
I BAKING POWDER? Can you repeat the question?
Use CIRCUMFERENCE in a sentence:
Hindi ako puedeng late umuwi. CIRCUMFERENCE ko eh.
Update Date December 28, 2000
Submitted by Pepe.
- BAKIT LAGING INTSIK ANG KINIKIDNAP?
KASI PAG..... PINOY: Hulugan
BUMBAY: 5-6
KANO: CREDIT CARD ANG BAYAD.
PAG INTSIK : C.O.D.
Update Date January 2, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- LOTTO
HUSBAND: (SHOUTING!) Honey, mag-empake ka na,
nanalo ako sa lotto.
WIFE: Wow! Anong dadalhin ko?
HUSBAND: Wala akong pakialam, basta lumayas ka na!
- PLATONIC
1 TO 2 YEARS- MAGKASALO SA ISANG PLATO
AFTER FIVE YEARS- TIG-ISA NA NG PLATO
AFTER 10 YEARS- NAGBABATUHAN NA NG PLATO
THATS WHAT YOU CALL "PLATONIC LOVE"
Update Date January 8, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
Convict: Father, forgive me for I have sinned
Priest: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.
Convict: Father, pinapatay ko ang lahat ng naniniwala sa diyos.
Kayo po ba Father naniniwala doon?
Priest: Sinoyon?
Update Date January 10, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- COMFORT ROOM
Filipino in a French airline: Excuse me but is there a comfort
room in this place?
Stewardess: Wi Wi!
Filipino: No - U U!!
- ANG ASTIG NA DAGA
Ilang taon ring nanligaw itong si Leonardong daga dito kay Kate na
elepante...Tapos sa wakas sinagot rin sya at nagpakasal. Sa kanilang
honeymoon sa loob ng mainit na kweba...
Leonardo: Sige... I-hataw mo pa....
Kate: eto nga eh todo bigay na...
Leonardo: Sige pa!!
Kate: Aray ko po!!!!
Leonardo: Huwag kang mag-alala sadyang ganyan sa una! (yabang)
(Yun pala na-umpog lang si Kate sa kahirapan)
Update Date January 12, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- Differences between Mayaman at Mahirap sa Pilipinas
Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy"; kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan
ay "galis" o "bakokang".
Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"; sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa
"tension and stress".
Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"; sa
mahirap, ang tawag dito ay "magnanakaw".
Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"; kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa
ulo".
Kung mahirap ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom";
kung mayaman ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine".
Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba", pero kung mayaman ka, you are
referred to as someone who is "scoliotic".
Kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o
"baluga", pero ang senorita mo kahit kasingkulay mo, ang tawag ay "morena"
o "kayumanggi".
Kung nasa high society ka, you are approvingly called "slender" or
"balingkinitan"; kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o
"patpatin" o "ting-ting" (kung masyado kang payat).
Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo
ay "petite"; kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o
"jabbar".
Kung mahirap ka at date ka rito, date ka doon, ang tawag sa iyo ay
"nagwawala"; kung well-off kayo, ikaw ay "game".
To be continued .....
Update Date January 15, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- Differences between Mayaman at Mahirap sa Pilipinas PART II
"Malandi" ka kung isa kang dukhang alembong; pero kung mayaman kayo,
ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated".
Ang mahirap na tumatanda ay "gumugurang"; sa mayamang tumatanda, the
description is "he or she graduates gracefully into senior citizenhood".
Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner'; ang equivalent na anak ng
mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong".
Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says
"masarap kang kumain, and I like you, you do justice to my cooking";
kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will
say to himself or herself na ikaw ay
"patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" masiba"!
Update Date January 16, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- M or F
Applying for a job for the first time, isang seksing coed was filling up
the application form . Mabilis siyang natapos but mukhang nahirapan siyang
sagutin ang isang tanong:
PERSONNEL: Do you need help in filling up the application, Miss?
MISS: Puede ho bang "occasionally" ang ilagay na sagot.
PERSONNEL: Which question, Miss?
MISS: Sex
- ORAL
Two days after her operation, tinanong ni Monica ang kanyang surgeon:
MONICA:: Doktor, puede na ho ba akong makipag-sex uli sa aking asawa.?
DOKTOR: Of course, all we did was remove your tonsils. But on second thought...
Update Date January 17, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
Hilarious names
for Pinoy businesses
THE ECONOMIC downturn has prompted Filipino entrepreneurs to put up
businesses and products with hilarious names in a bid to grab customers.
And what catchy names they have come up with.
There's ''Cooking Ng Ina Mo,'' a carinderia specializing in home cooked
meals on Boni Avenue in Manduluyong City. Just a stone's throw from it
is a competitor called ''Cooking Ng Ina Mo Rin.''
From the names, one could easily get an idea about the specialties of
the eateries. Take for instance ''Caintacky Fried Chicken.'' Where
else, but in Cainta, Rizal.
What about ''Blue Marilyn?'' It's a sing-along, ihaw-ihaw restaurant on
Sucat Avenue in Parañaque. And ''Crispy Per Minute'' is another giveaway.
It offers crispy pata while ''Cleopata's'' is a bakahan and manukan.
The owner of ''Babalik Karinderia'' in Sto. Tomas, Batangas, seems to be
confident that his customers will return to the eatery.
To be continued ....
Update Date January 22, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
Hilarious names
for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED
'Cinna Von'
Urban living has created a demand for laundry service especially among
those who don't have maids. If they live in Pasig City they can go to
''Cinna Von,'' a laundrymat.
In Legaspi Village in Makati, the woman who takes orders for ''Launderland''
is reportedly named Alice.
In San Juan, there's a janitorial service company called City Cleaners
whose slogan is: ''Talk dirty to me.''
For those who enjoy beer, they can try ''Bali Gulp,'' which is just beside
Valley Golf on Sumulong highway in Antipolo.
Those who work near Buendia and Taft Avenues could go to ''Beery Good.''
A businessman or executive who wants to have a few drinks and feel not
being hounded by his wife may have a good reason to tell her that he is
in ''The Conference Room,'' a nightclub formerly near P. Burgos in Makati.
'O'Beer Time'
Newsmen, however, prefer the ''The Other Office,'' a bar in Ermita, Manila,
or maybe ''O'Beer Time.''
To be continued ....
Update Date January 24, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
Hilarious names
for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED
These names are culled from a list of establishments that Filipino techies
have gathered and shared with their friends on the Internet.
The list includes the following: *Fagoofyt (a children's hair salon on J.
Elizalde Avenue in BF Parañaque), Felix the Cut, Going Straight (a hair
straightening salon in Megamall), D'Scalp (a barbershop on Evangelista
Street in Makati), Curl Up And Dye (beauty salon) and Cutis (hair and
skin clinic on South Superhighway);
Beefer 150 (meat shop), Common Cents Store (sari-sari store), Happy
Birthday Toyo (a soy sauce brand in the 70's), Holland Hopia (owned by
Mr. Ho; next door is Poland Hopia, owned by Mr. Po in Chinatown Manila),
Bee Tin (Hopia Factory) and The Fried of Marikina ( fried chicken shop);
Ali Baka (A shawarma shop), Ace-Deo Optical (Tanay, Rizal), Alabank (rural
bank of Alabang), Beads and Pieces (bead shop), Berde Plants (plant shop
in Glorietta), Doctor Sebago (Shoe Repair Shop, Pasay), Dear Hunter (mail
order brides);
The Enchanted Florist, Elizabeth Tailoring, Leon King Video Rental (Las Piñas)
and Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits (video rental shop in Busuanga, Palawan).
Update Date January 25, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
Hilarious names
for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED
'Funeraria Mabuhay'
Faithfully Yours (detective agency in Kamagong, Makati), Farmacia With
Love (drugstore ), Funeraria Mabuhay, Goldirocks (gravel and sand shop),
Goto Heaven, Ho Kee Yah (pronounced ''OK Ah!'' with a Chinese accent;
Chinese restaurant on Session Road in Baguio).
H. U. Kayin (deep-well drilling services), Income Taxi, INK-credible!
(a tattoo shop in Bicutan), Inno Scents (car freshener found in a Caltex
Starmart), James Tailoring, Jane's Pondahan and Jean Tonic (denim shop,
Shoppesville in Greenhills).
Juice Co. (fruit juice stand), Labo Optical, Lalafca (novelty store), Let's
Goat-Together (kambingan cum beer garden), Mahal Kita Honey (bottled honey
from Batangas), Maid To Order (maid placement agency), Mane Attraction
(beauty parlor) and Mang Donald's (burger joint, Naga City plaza that
serves quarter pounders and the Big Mang! . . . Mak-Mak and a side order
of Prince Fries).
Mat & Jeep (jeep accessories shop), Meatropolis (meat shop), Meating Place
(meat shop), Megamelt (ensaymada), Memory Drug (a Mercury Drug clone),
Mercy Drug (another Mercury Drug clone in Olongapo), Miki Mao (noodle
eatery), Motel Monaco and Nacho Fast (nachos to go).
- To be continued ...
Update Date January 26, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
Hilarious names
for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED
'Mercy Buko'
Mercy Buko (fresh coconut roadside shop), Pa-Kap-Log (budget breakfast
package: pandesal, kape at itlog), Passers Buy (convenience store),
Perfect-Lee (sari-sari store in Alabang), Perm Foundation (a Christian
beauty salon) and Petal Attraction (flower shop).
Pig Out (restaurant/take-out in San Antonio Village, Makati specializing
in pork dishes), Pizza Hot (Pizza Place), Saudia Hairlines (beauty salon),
Scissors Palace (barber shop), Second Time Around (second hand watch store),
Side-saki (side street eatery beside Mandarin Hotel), Sophisticut (unisex
hair salon), Star Wash (launderette) and Susan's Roses (flower shop).
'TapSi TurBi'
Su-To-Kil (a seaside wet market/eatery near Mactan shrine, called
''Su-to-kil,'' which is great feast for ''sugba-tola-kilaw.'') Suzy's
Key Duplication, Sylvestre's Salon, TapSi TurBi (tapa, sinangag, turon
at bibingka) and 10/Q (convenience store chain).
- To be continued ...
Update Date January 29, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
Hilarious names
for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED
The Way We Wear (boutique), Tio Paeng Longganisa Stand (Pampanga), To
Home It May Concern (furniture shop in Caloocan), Tree's Company
(artificial plant store, Pasay Road), Triple Bee (restaurant) and
Tutti Fruit-asan (fruit stall);
Wash & Carry (laundromat on Dian Street, Makati near Cash & Carry),
Washing Well (laundromat), Windows & Doors '98 (sash factory), Wheels
Fargo (eatery), yehey.com (Yahoo clone), Your Best Vet (veterinary
clinic), What's Disc? (novelty CD kiosk, Megamall) and Wrap and Roll
(lumpia outlet, Quad, Makati).
A menu in a seafood restaurant has these entrees: Isda best, Pusit to
the limit and Hipon coming back.
Update Date February 26, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
THE PINOY EXPORT
A Pinoy is having his "SNACK" (bread and ube jam), when an Caucasian
American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Pinoy ignores the Caucasian American who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Caucasian American: "You Filipino folks eat the whole bread??"
Pinoy (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Caucasian American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the
States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into pandesal and export them to the Philippines ."
The Caucasian American has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence.
The Caucasian American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"
Pinoy: "Of Course."
Caucasian American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
all the peels, seeds, and left-over in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and export them to the Philippines ."
The Pinoy (kind of pissed na!) then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
Caucasian American: "Why? Of course we do", with a big smirk.
Pinoy: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Caucasian American: "We throw them away, of course."
Pinoy: "In the Philippines, we don't throw them. We put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to the States."
Update Date February 28, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- ADIK SA SABONG
ISANG ARAW SI PEDRO WALANG PAMBAYAD SA ENTRANCE SA SABUNGAN.
KAYA UMISIP SIYA NG PARAAN PARA MAKAPASOK SA SABUNGAN.
KASI SA TUPADA O PINTAKASI KUNG MAY DALA KANG MANOK LIBRE ANG PASOK.
KAYA ANG GINAWA NI PEDRO HUMULI SIYA NG SISIW, SIYA ANG DINALA SA SABUNGAN.
PAGDATING SA ENTRANCE SINITA SIYA,
GUWARDIYA: BOSS KUNG WALA KAYONG DALANG PANSABONG NA MANOK
KAILANGANG MAGBAYAD HO KAYO NG ENTRANCE.
PEDRO: ABA EH! MAY DALA NAMAN AKONG MANOK HA!
GUWARDIYA: EH!BOSS SISIW PA LANG ANG DALA NINYONG MANOK.
PEDRO: EH! BOSS YONG TATAY MAY LABAN, MANONOOD!!!
Update Date March 5, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- NAKABAWI
Isang binatang nasisiraan ng ulo ang isinugod sa pagamutan ng mga baliw sa
Mandaluyong City. Tawa nang tawa. Humahagikgik, humahalakhak at walang tigil.
Siyempre, bagong pasok ay ininterbyu siya ng naroong doktor.
"Rodel po ang pangalan ko. Mayaman po kami. Ang totoo po, may kakambal ako.
Magkamukhang-magkamukha kami at halos ay wala kaming pinagkaibahan. Dahil sa
sobrang pagkakamukha namin, sa eskuwelahan, kapag may test kami, siya ang
kumukuha para sa akin."
Tatangu-tango ang doktor. Sa isip- isip niya'y mukha namang matino ang binata.
"Minsan nga po, nang mapaaway siya sa isang bayan, ako ang nakulong. Ang
malungkot po na hindi ko malilimutan ay may girlfriend ako na mahal na mahal ko.
Siya ang nakatanan. Napagkamalan niya ang kakambal ko." paliwanag ni Rodel.
"E, bakit mukhang masayang-masaya ka ngayon?" usisa naman ng doktor.
"Kasi po, nakabawi naman ako. Noong isang linggo, namatay ako. Siya ang inilibing."
Update Date March 12, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- WHAT??
First time ni Juan ang pagbiyahe patungong America. So, takot, excited ang
nararamdaman ni Juan. Sino nga ba ang hindi matakot kung wala kang kasama
puntang merica.at laki sa malayong probinsya.
While he's on the airport gilalas si Juan sa laki 747 Jumbo plane, na sasakyan
nya,so hindi nakatiis, si Juan biglang nagtanong and Tanong..
Juan: sino ba may ari ng eroplanong ito.sa malas ang napagtanongan ay puti di
pinoy ang sagot ng puti.
Puti: WHAT!!!!
JUAN; ahh;; kay What pala ito. Nakuuu!! laki ha? nakangiti si juan at biglang
talikod si puti. Pagdating sa New york airport, biglang nagtanong ulit si Juan
sa isang puti. Kanino ba napakalaking airport na ito? Sabi ni puti, What!! So
gilalas ulit si Juan, ahh kay What ulit? naku laki!! talaga. Pero di pinansin
si Juan ng puti, lumipas ang oras habang nasa labas na ng airport si Juan napansin
ni Juan ang napakalaking mga Building sa NewYork, so tanong ulit si juan
Juan: Kanino ba ang mga malalaking building na ito? Sa malas puti ulit ang
napagtanongan ni Juan.
Puti:Whatttttt!!!!!!
Juan:gilalas sa nalaman: Naku ang yaman-yaman talaga ni What.
Sa paglipas ng oras biglang nakakita si Juan ng pagsisipaglibing sabi ni Juan sa
isang Puting matanda, Hey! Joe sino ba patay.ang sagot ni Puti. Whatttttt????
Biglang nanginig si Juan. ha? patay na si what?? hindi ma-get ni puti so hindi na
pinansin si Juan.after two days kumain sa restaurant si Juan nanood ng TV, habang
kumakain si Juan so fortunately, nasa TV ang presidente ng United States for the
State Address, lahat ng tao sa restaurant ay nakikinig.
So hindi nakatiis si Juan biglang tanong sa waitress Sino ba yang nasa TV. ang
waitress ay Puti so ang sagot What????? biglang tanong ulit si
Juan: Di ba patay na si What?
Update Date March 19, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- NABANGGA ANG KOTSE
Isang Umaga sa Kalye, meron kotseng umaatras:
Driver: "Pare pakitingnan kung mababanga ako"
Taga-Sigaw: "Sige po ser!"
at ilang sandali na lang....
Taga-Sigaw : "KASYA! KASYA! KAAASSSYAAAA!"
... at bigla na lang bumanga yung kotse *blaagag*
Driver : "Nakupo keplos nabanga!"
Taga-Sigaw :"ANO KA BA NAMAN SABI NG ME PUNO NG KASYA EH!!! TRAS KA NG TRAS!!!"
Driver: napakamot ulo
Update Date March 26, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- Things Forrest Gump would say if he was Filipino
My name is Porrest, Porrest Goomp.
Inay always said that life is like a balikbayan box.
Lieutenant Dan! P*t*ng *n* mo!
Lieutenant Dan! Gusto mo ba ang sorbetes?
Me and Jenny went together like champorado and isda.
"Mr. President, iihi ako. Nasaan ang CR?"
My best friend Bubba knew everything there was to know about bagoong.
"There's bagoong with rice,
bagoong with lemon juice,
fried bagoong,
bagoong at puto,
etc.etc..."
Those look like comfortable shoes. Sa Payless ba?
He invested my money in a prrooot company.
Tanga is as tanga does.
Update Date April 2, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
MATANDA KANA .....
kung ayaw mo nang sumama sa mga bata.
kung ang lahat ng kasu-kasuhan mo ay tila masakit.
kung ano ang hindi masakit ay ayaw ng gumalaw.
kung alas-kuwatro pa lamang ng umaga ay gising ka na.
kung ang tinitingnan mo sa pagkain ay ingredients.
kung binibilang mo ang calories o fats ng iyong pagkain.
kung tumatanda na ang mga anak mo.
kung nag-enroll ka sa fitness gym, pero hindi naman nagpupunta.
kung nakakalimutan mo ang susi mo sa kotse o sa loob ng bahay.
kung alam na alam mo naman ang lahat subalit walang nagtatanong saiyo.
kung pinapatay mo ang ilaw hindi dahil sa ikaw ay malambing kundi dahil nagtitipid ka ng kuryente.
kung nagliliwanag na ang iyong bumbunan.
kung ayaw mong maniwalang may guhit na ang noo mo.
kung ang kati-kati ng likod mo subalit hindi mo makamot dahil hindimo maabot.
kung sa pagyuko mo ay lumalagutok ang iyong likod.
kung ipinauulit mo ang pangalan ng bago mong kaibigan.
kung hindi mo na pinaghahandaan ang susunod mong kaarawan.
kung inaaway ka ng asawa mo sa araw ng kanyang kaarawan.
kung nakalimutan mo na ang anibersaryo ninyo ng asawa mo.
kung nakakalimutan mong i-flush ang banyo pagkatapos mong gamitin.
kung nakakalimutan mong itaas muli ang iyong zipper pagkatapos mong gamitin ang banyo.
kung ang paborito mong bisita ay ang iyong duktor.
kung ang pinakaayaw mong bisita ay ang health insurance company.
kung natutuwa kang magbasa ng legend stories o nanonood ng history channel.
kung ang paborito mo pa ring artista ay laos na.
kung ang kaparis ng iyong medyas ay kulay pula.
kung may salamin ka na ay hindi pa rin makakita.
kung nakakalimutan mo na ang birthday ng iyong biyenan.
kung si Jaworski pa rin ang paborito mong basketbolista.
kung naiinip ka na sa harapan ng stop lights.
kung dumidikit ang iyong ngipin sa malagkit mong pagkain.
kung sa pagdarasal mo ay nauuna ang Amen sa Ama Namin.
Update Date April 5, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- KUWENTONG PARI
Magdasal na lang tayo pagkatapos magbasa nito at sana'y hindi tayo
agad kunin ni Lord.
"Kuripot ang mga parukyano ko!" sumbong ng unang pari sa kaibigan
niya ring pari.
"Wala akong problema sa pera," sabi ng kaibigang pari. "Kapag nasa
gitna na ako ng sermon ko at nakatitig silang lahat sa akin, inilalabas
ko ang aking relo de bulsa at hini-hypnotize ko sila at sinasabi kong
'maglagay kayo ng malaking pera' at kapag nagbibigayan na, malaki ang
ibinibigay nila."
"Teka! Magawa nga!" sabi ng unang pari.
Sa kanyang sermon, inilabas ng unang pari ang hiniram na relo de bulsa
sa kaibigang pari at inumpisahan niyang i-hypnotize ang mga parukyano niya.
"Maglagay kayo ng malaking donasyon," sabi niya.
Malaki ang koleksyon noong Linggong 'yun at sinubukan niya ulit nang
sumunod na Linggo.
Habang hini-hypnotize ang mga parukyano niya, naihulog niya ang relo at
napasigaw siya, "Ay, puke!"
Nagsara ang simbahan niya noong araw ring 'yun dahil sa dami ng reklamong
natanggap na maraming babaeng naghubad daw sa loob ng simbahan para lumapit
sa pari.
Update Date April 16, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- KUWENTONG PARI ULI
Minsan, isang pari ang naligaw. Hindi niya makita ang kalyeng hinahanap.
Nagtanong siya sa isang bata.
"Anak, saan ba ang daan patungo sa Kalye Balong-bato?" tanong ng pari.
"Father, diretsuhin n'yo lang po itong daan at pagdating sa ikalawang kanto
ay iyon na po ang Kalye Balong-bato," turo ng bata.
"Salamat, anak! Dahil sa iyong kabutihan ay hayaan mong ituro ko sa iyo ang
daan tungo sa kalangitan!" tuwang pasakalye ng pari.
Nagalit ang bata, "Para kayong ****, Father! Ang yabang-yabang n'yo!
Kung `yung daan lang patungo sa Balong-bato ay `di n'yo alam, `yun pa
kayang daan patungo sa langit?"
Update Date April 23, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- PADRE DAMASO
Napansin ni Padre Damaso ang lalaking nasa may pinto ng simbahan na
nag-darasal ng taimtim. Ilang linggo na niya itong napapansin na hindi
pumapasok sa simbahan, bagkus ay sa may pinto lang nagdarasal.
Nilapitan ni Padre Damaso ang lalaki at kinausap, "Ano ba ang ipinagdarasal
mo, iho?"
"Sana po, manalo ako sa lotto. Pero parang hindi nakikinig ang Nasa Itaas.
Araw-araw na lang, nandito ako sa pinto ng bahay Niya, pero hindi ako
manalu-nalo," sagot ng lalaki.
Nagalit si Padre Damaso, "Kung ako ngang nasa harapan na ng altar araw-araw,
hindi manalo sa lotto, ikaw pa kaya?!"
Update Date April 26, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- ANG SUKLI
Nagdarasal nang taimtim si Kiko sa simbahan, "Diyos ko! Tulungan n'yo po ako,
naholdap ako at wala akong pamasaheng pauwi. Maawa po kayo, kahit limang
piso lang..."
Naawa ang Diyos at binigyan siya ng sampung piso.
Laking pasasalamat ni Kiko, "Napakabait N'yo po! Maraming salamat po sa
ibinigay Ninyo sa akin!"
Biglang nagsalita ang rebulto, "Hoy, sukli ko! Limang piso lang ang hinihingi mo!"
Update Date May 7, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- HATE LETTER
The following is a letter found at a certain bar in
Manila and has been preserved in its original, unedited form.
Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog.
Pls read with feelings...
To Marjie,
I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you.
Why?
What reason you can think about but you're very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first,Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that and then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you're very very ,very fat body but you hate it thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about what do you think you are "Beautiful Girl " of Jose Marie Chan even you are beautiful face to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names iether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don't have any other choice but to call you other different name to like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl.
Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING. You can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror. I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.
FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M.
P.S. You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is
Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me.
There you go.
Update Date May 15, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- Q&A TIME AGAIN PART I
IT'S QUESTION TIME, GOT A MINUTE!?
Q: BAKIT INTSIK ANG KINIKIDNAP HINDI BUMBAY?
A:KASI PAG BUMBAY, ANG BAYARAN NG RANSOM HULUGAN.
Q:WHY IS BREASTMILK STILL BEST BABIES?
A: IT'S FRESH; CONTAINS ANTIBODIES FOR PROTECTION AGAINST INFECTION, AND IT
COMES IN A VERY ATTRACTIVE CONTAINER!
Q: TRUE OR FALSE. LAHAT BA NG ORAS AY MAY ALAS?
A: TRUE NAMAN NOH!!!!!
Update Date May 22, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- Q & A TIME AGAIN PART II
Q: MAYRONG 4 NA SEASONS-SPRING, FALL, WINTER, SUMMER. KELAN NAHUHULOG ANG
MGA DAHON?
A: SA STORM, OF COURSE!!!!!!!
Q: WHY SHOULD WE NOT PASS JUDGEMENT ON MONICA LEWINSKY?
A: BECAUSE " NAPASUBO LANG SIYA!"
Q: ANONG MANGYAYARI KAY TWEETY BIRD KAPAG UMINOM SIYA NG VIAGRA?
A: MAGIGING BIG BIRD.
Q: ANO ANG DIFFERENCE NG BADING AT CANNIBAL?
A: ANG CANNIVAL KUMAKAIN NG KA-URI, ANG BADING KUMAKAIN NG KA-ARI!
Update Date May 28, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- IBA-IBA PART I
Anak: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera kasi ang
mga damit ko pinagkakain ng mga daga.
Itay: Dear Anak, wala akong pera.
Kung gusto mo, meron dito pusa.
************
Isang babae bumili ng asukal.
Inabot ng tindera, pero sabi ng babae,
Miss, asin itong binigay mo sa akin."
Tindera: Hindi, asukal yan.
Minarkahan lang naming
"Asin" para hindi langgamin.
************
Ngongo dictionary:
CATTLE - dun nakatira ang printeta at printipe
MELT - yun ang sinusuot sa mewang
EFFORT - dun nag-la-land ang efflane
STATUE - ikaw ba yan?
Update Date June 4, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- IBA-IBA PART II
Couple doing hanky-panky inside the car, was caught
by a cop.
"Sir, my girlfriend stopped breathing. Had to do CPR
on her."
"Then why is she naked?"
"She wouldn't open her mouth so I had to find another opening."
************
WIFE: Hudas ka! Lagi kang umuuwing lasing!
Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo!
HUSBAND: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa
mukha mo!
Update Date June 11, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- IBA-IBA PART III
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng
Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun.
Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng
Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
************
Maganda daw mapangasawa CANADIAN, kasi pwede mong sabihin:
Maglaba CANADIAN!
Magsaing CANADIAN!
Hubad CANADIAN!
Ano, okay CANADIAN?
Update Date June 18, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- IBA-IBA PART IV
************
M'AM: Inday, sa susunod, ayokong pinakikialaman mo
ang condom namin ng sir mo!
INDAY: M'am, hwag kayong magbibintang! Di kami
sanay ni Sir gumamit niyan!
Sobra kayo!
************
MRS: Lolokohin ko mister ko.
Magpapanggap akong pick-up girl ako.
Pagkita kay Mister: Hi Pogi! AVAILABLE ako
ngayon....
MR: Ayoko sa yo!! Kamukha mo misis ko!!
Update Date July 2, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- BASTARD
A cop showed up trying to figure out what was happening.
The Black man said, "He called me a bastard".
The Filipino man said "I didn't".
So then the cop asked the Filipino man what happened and
he said, "Dat man ass me where is Longs Drugs and all I
told him was "You one blok bast-it (You one block past it).
- BOKNOY'S TRANSLATION
"Pagkatapos ng kung ano-ano ay nagdatingan ang kung sino-sino!"
Boknoy's translation:
"After the what-what came the who-who!"
Update Date July 9, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- INTERNATIONAL ACTUARIAL CONTEST
There was this international contest for the best life insurance policy.
Hey, Actuarial Majors take note! a la Miss Universe. Bob Barker was the
emcee:
Contestant No. 1 (from an American firm represented by an obnoxious one
of those TV-host-late-night-30-minute-commercial types like Amazing
Discoveries): "I will insure your child from birth to death."
Bob Barker smiles and says, "Let's hear it for good old American values."
Audience claps.
Contestant No. 2 (from a German firm, represented by a severely, handsome
blonde, blue-eyed hunk): "I will insure your child from womb to
tomb."
Bob Barker smiles again and says, "There you go."
Contestant No. 3 (from an English firm, represented by a dapper young
Englishman in an elegant Saville Row suit with a perfect (but learned)
Oxford accent): "I will top them all. I will insure your child, Bob
(for a little touch of personality here, which is strange because the
English is supposed to be cold, proper and formal) from conception to
expiration."
Bob Barker ahhs and the audience is prompted to ahh with him.
Contestant No. 4 (from a Japanese firm, represented by a tall Japanese
in a Giorgio Armani. He says in a perfect (also learned) Oxford English):
"I will insure your child (whips out a chart) from sperm to worm."
Audience hoots. Bob Barker almost dies.
In a joke such as this, of course the Filipino always comes last:
Contestant No. 5. (The Filipino. A dignified 5'2" executive with a
slight beer belly, wearing a polo barong, of course, (or was that a
gray bush jacket?) and holding an imitation leather clutch bag:
(in a perfect American accent) "I will insure your child sir, from
erection to resurrection!
HAH!
Bob Barker did have a heart attack.
Update Date July 16, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- EASY MONEY
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law symphosium
in Manila, when a Filipino lawyer approached him.
The Pinoy lawyer asked, "Is it true, that a person can fall down on
a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of
money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started
speaking rapidly in Tagalog. His partner grinned and began nodding
vigorously. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they
wanted to move to America to practice law.
"No, no," one Pinoy attorney replied. "We want to move to America to fall
down on sidewalks!"
Update Date July 23, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- ISANG TULA
Giliw kong nilalangit,
Nilalangaw pati puwet,
Kung sa langit ikaw ay tala,
Sa lupa ikaw ay tekla.
Buhok mo'y alon-alon,
Kutong mo'y patong-patong,
Ngipin mo'y pantay-pantay,
Hininga mo'y amoy patay!
Update Date July 30, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.
- UBOS SAYAF
Magpapalit daw ng pangalan yung abu sayaf pagkatapos mapaligiran
ng mga sundalo, magiging ubos sayaf na raw sila.
Pagkatapos sabihin ni Presidente Arroyo na "isang bala na lang kayo",
nag bago na naman ang isip ng abu sayaf, magiging abo sayaf na raw sila.
Nakatakas na ang abu sayaf sa mga militar sa bayan ng Lamitan kaya
mag papalit na naman sila ng pangalan. Ngayon, sila na ang babu sayaf!
Update Date August 6, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- ANG SULAT
Dear Charo,
Nais kong ikuwento sa inyo ang namagitan sa amin ng aking itay isang gabi.
Hindi ko kayang makalimutan kahit anong bahagi ng gabing iyon. Malakas ang
ulan noon. Katatapos ko pa lamang maligo at nakatapis pa lamang sa loob ng
aking kuwarto.
Narinig ko si Itay na kumakatok sa aking pinto. Nang sagutin ko ang pinto
ay sinabi niya na kailangan daw naming magusap. Pinapasok ko naman po siya
dahil ama ko po siya.
Nagulat na lamang ako nang isarado at ikinandado ang pinto. Hinawakan
ni Itay ang braso ko. Napasigaw ako, sabi ko "ITAY huwag, anak mo ako!".
Ngunit hindi tumigil ang aking Itay. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang kanyang ginawa.
Pumikit na lamang ako dahil sa ayaw kong makita ang mukha ng aking tatay sa
kanyang ginagawa.
Naririnig ko si Inay na binubulabog ang pinto. Sumisigaw na, "Hayop ka
wag mong gawin yan sa anak mo." Ngunit wala pa rin. Ipinaubaya ko na
lamang ang sarili ko sa Diyos.
Pagkalagpas ng ilang oras ay natapos din ang aking Itay. Nang humarap
ako sa salamin ay nagulat ako sa aking nakita. Magaling naman pala
mag-make-up si Itay. Noong gabi na iyon ay nagladlad ng kapa si Itay.
Bakla pala siya. Natuwa ako at mahusay ang kanyang ginawa. Naisip ko
na matutuwa ang aking boyfriend dahil sa ganda ko. Nagyakapan kami doon
at nagiyakan.
Masaya na kami ngayon at walang problema.
Yours truly,
BADONG
Update Date August 13, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
- ANG SABI KO...
A couple was having sex
Wife: Ancelmo...oh...Ancelmo...
Husband: Putang ina ka! Sinong Anselmo?
Wife: Gago! And sabi ko, ang cell mo! Alisin mo!
- USE IN A SENTENCE
Use MaMeMiMoMu, BaBeBiBoBu, KaKeKiKo in a story
Mother and baby in bathtub:
Baby: "MaMe, Mi Momu!"
Mother: "ABa, BeBi, BoBu Ka, KeKi, Ko 'yan!"
Update Date August 20, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
If one day you feel alone...
Just look up the sky...
Wala lang, lookup ka lang ba...
Tapos look down ulit...
Ganda 'yang exercise sa neck!
Doctor: Lola, kailan ho ba kayong last nakipagtalik?
Lola: Mga 1955
Doctor: Matagal na ho pala ano?
Lola: Di naman! (sabay tingin sa relo). 20:55 pa lang
naman ah!
Update Date August 27, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
A soldier died. Wife is crying during burial when
flag was given to her. She said,"Aanhin ko paang watawat
na 'to kung wala na ang flagpole ko!"
Hu...hu...hu...
New teacher on first day of school.
Teacher: Class, my name is Ms. Pruki. Remember
Pruki, with an R.
Next day.
Class: Good Morning, Ms.....
Teacher: It's with an R.
Class: Good Morning Ms.PrekPrek!
Q: Ano sa English ang MASUWERTE AKONG LALAKI?
A: Lucky Me with Egg
Q: Eh 'yong MATRONANG BARAT?
A: Payless Instant Mami
Update Date September 3, 2001
Submitted by Solivar.
Wife: Walanghiya!
Husband: Walanghiya ka rin!
Wife: Tanga!
Husband: Tanga ka rin!
Wife: Gago!
Husband: Gago ka rin!
Wife: Supot!
Husband: Wala namang ganyanan...
Q: What is the shortest sentence.
A: I am.
Q: What is the longest sentence.
A: I do. O di be life sentence 'yan!
Update Date September 10, 2001
100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Ed's note: Might not be jokes but brings out a smile
in you.
FROM the 1896 Revolution to the first Philippine Republic,
the Commonwealth period, the EDSA Revolt, and the tiger cub
economy (did not make it, but will someday), history marches
on. Thankfully, however, some things never change. Like the
classics, things irresistibly Pinoy mark us for life. They're
the indelible stamp of our identity, the undeniable affinity
that binds us like twins. They celebrate the good in us, the
best of our culture and the infinite possibilities we are all
capable of. Some are so self-explanatory you only need mention
them for fellow Pinoys to swoon or drool. Here, from all over
this Centennial-crazed country and in no particular order, are
a hundred of the best things that make us unmistakably Pinoy.
Merienda. Where else is it normal to eat five times a day?
Sawsawan. Assorted sauces that guarantee freedom of choice,
enough room for experimentation and maximum tolerance for diverse
tastes. Favorites: toyo't calamansi, suka at sili, patis.
Kuwan, ano. At a loss for words? Try these and marvel at how
Pinoys understand exactly what you want.
Pinoy humor and irreverence. If you're api and you know it,
crack a joke. Nothing personal, really.
Tingi. Thank goodness for small entrepreneurs. Where else can we
buy cigarettes, soap, condiments and life's essentials in small
affordable amounts?
Spirituality. Even before the Spaniards came, ethnic tribes had
their own anitos, bathalas and assorted deities, pointing to a
strong relationship with the Creator, who or whatever it may be.
Po, opo, mano po. Speech suffixes that define courtesy, deference,
filial respect--a balm to the spirit in these aggressive times.
Pasalubong. Our way of sharing the vicarious thrills and delights
of a trip, and a wonderful excuse to shop without the customary guilt.
Beaches! With 7,000 plus islands, we have miles and miles of shoreline
piled high with fine white sand, lapped by warm waters, and nibbled by
exotic tropical fish. From the stormy seas of Batanes to the emerald
isles of Palawan--over here, life is truly a beach.
Bagoong. Darkly mysterious, this smelly fish or shrimp paste typifies
the underlying theme of most ethnic foods: disgustingly unhygienic,
unbearably stinky and simply irresistible.
Update Date September 17, 2001
100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Ed's note: Might not be jokes but brings out a smile
in you.
Bayanihan. Yes, the internationally-renowned dance company,
but also this habit of pitching in still common in small
communities. Just have that cold beer and some pulutan ready
for the troops.
The Balikbayan box. Another way of sharing life's bounty, no
matter if it seems like we're fleeing Pol Pot every time we
head home from anywhere in the globe. The most wonderful part
is that, more often than not, the contents are carted home to
be distributed.
Pilipino komiks. Not to mention "Hiwaga," "Aliwan," "Tagalog
Classics," "Liwayway" and"Bulaklak" magazines. Pulpy publications
that gave us Darna, Facifica Falayfay, Lagalag, Kulafu, Kenkoy,
Dyesebel, characters of a time both innocent and worldly.
Folk songs. They come unbidden and spring, full blown, like a
second language, at the slightest nudge from the too-loud stereo
of a passing jeepney or tricycle.
Fiesta. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow is just another
day, shrugs the poor man who, once a year, honors a patron saint
with this sumptuous, no-holds-barred spread. It's a Pinoy
celebration at its pious and riotous best.
Aswang, manananggal, kapre. The whole underworld of Filipino
lower mythology recalls our uniquely bizarre childhood, that
is, before political correctness kicked in. Still, their rich
adventures pepper our storytelling.
Jeepneys. Colorful, fast, reckless, a vehicle of postwar Pinoy
ingenuity, this Everyman's communal cadillac makes for a cheap,
interesting ride. If the driver's a daredevil (as they usually are),
hang on to your seat.
Dinuguan. Blood stew, a bloodcurdling idea, until you try it with
puto. Best when mined with jalape? peppers. Messy but delicious.
Update Date September 24, 2001
100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Santacruzan. More than just a beauty contest, this one has religious
overtones, a tableau of St. Helena's and Constantine's search for the
Cross that seamlessly blends piety, pageantry and ritual. Plus, it's
the perfect excuse to show off the prettiest ladies--and the most
beautiful gowns.
Balut. Unhatched duck's embryo, another unspeakable ethnic food to
outsiders, but oh, to indulge in guilty pleasures! Sprinkle some salt
and suck out that soup, with gusto.
Pakidala. A personalized door-to-door remittance and delivery system
for overseas Filipino workers who don't trust the banking system, and
who expect a family update from the courier, as well.
Choc-nut. Crumbly peanut chocolate bars that defined childhood ecstasy
before M & M's and Hershey's.
Kamayan style. To eat with one's hand and eschew spoon, fork and table
manners--ah, heaven.
Update Date October 1, 2001
100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Chicharon. Pork, fish or chicken crackling. There is in the crunch a
hint of the extravagant, the decadent and the pedestrian. Perfect with
vinegar, sublime with beer.
Pinoy hospitality. Just about everyone gets a hearty "Kain tayo!"
invitation to break bread with whoever has food to share, no matter
how skimpy or austere it is.
Adobo, kare-kare, sinigang and other lutong bahay stuff. Home-cooked
meals that have the stamp of approval from several generations, who
swear by closely-guarded cooking secrets and family recipes.
Lola Basyang. The voice one heard spinning tales over the radio, before
movies and television curtailed imagination and defined grown-up tastes.
Pambahay. Home is where one can let it all hang out, where clothes do
not make a man or woman but rather define their level of comfort.
Update Date October 8, 2001
100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Tricycle and trisikad, the poor Pinoy's taxicab that delivers you at
your doorstep for as little as PHPesos3.00, with a complimentary
dusting of polluted air.
Dirty ice cream. Very Pinoy flavors that make up for the risk: munggo,
langka, ube, mais, keso, macapuno. Plus there's the colorful cart
that recalls jeepney art.
Yayas. The trusted Filipino nanny who, ironically, has become a major
Philippine export as overseas contract workers. A good one is almost
like a surrogate parent--if you don't mind the accent and the
predilection for afternoon soap and movie stars.
Sarsi. Pinoy rootbeer, the enduring taste of childhood. Our grandfathers
had them with an egg beaten in.
Pinoy fruits. Atis, guyabano, chesa, mabolo, lanzones, durian, langka,
makopa, dalanghita, siniguelas, suha, chico, papaya, singkamas--the
possibilities!
Pinoy tastes. A dietitian's nightmare: too sweet, too salty, too fatty,
as in burong talangka, itlog na maalat, crab fat (aligue), bokayo,
kutchinta, sapin-sapin, halo-halo, pastilyas, palitaw, pulburon,
longganisa, tuyo, ensaymada, ube haleya, sweetened macapuno and
garbanzos. Remember, we're the guys who put sugar (horrors) in our
spaghetti sauce. Yum!
The sights. Banaue Rice Terraces, Boracay, Bohol's Chocolate Hills,
Corregidor Island, Fort Santiago, the Hundred Islands, the Las Pi?s
Bamboo Organ, Rizal Park, Mt. Banahaw, Mayon Volcano, Taal Volcano.
A land of contrasts and ever-changing landscapes.
Update Date October 14, 2001
100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Gayuma, agimat and anting-anting. Love potions and amulets.
How the socially-disadvantaged Pinoy copes.
Barangay Ginebra, Jaworski, PBA, MBA and basketball. How
the verticaly-challenged Pinoy compensates, via a national
sports obsession that reduces fans to tears and fistfights.
People Power at EDSA. When everyone became a hero and changed
Philippine history overnight.
San Miguel Beer and pulutan. "Isa pa nga!" and the Philippines'
most popular, world-renowned beer goes well with peanuts, corniks,
tapa, chicharon, usa, barbecue, sisig, and all manner of spicy,
crunchy and cholesterol-rich chasers.
Resiliency. We've survived 400 years of Spanish rule, the US bases,
Marcos, the 1990 earthquake, lahar, lambada, Robin Padilla, and
Tamagochi. We'll survive Erap.
Yoyo. Truly Filipino in origin, this hunting tool, weapon, toy and
merchandising vehicle remains the best way to "walk the dog" and
"rock the baby," using just a piece of string.
Update Date October 22, 2001
Submitted by Bong V.
- Think It Over:If terrorists strike Makati
A GROUP of Pinoys in a drinking session
speculated what would happen if terrorists
struck a building in Makati using a hijacked airplane.
The terrorists' first problem was selecting the
target. They didn't want to crash into the
Senate or the Batasan. They wanted to inflict
terror, not to solicit applause. Certainly not
to top popularity ratings in the next surveys
of the Social Weather Stations. The World Trade
Center was the citadel of American capitalism.
Where's the citadel of Philippine capitalism?
The terrorists' quick research revealed that
this country of 75 million has an economy the
size of a bonsai. So what do you hit?
What the heck, hit their stock exchange. It
turned out that Asia's oldest but equally
bonsai stock exchange had two locations run by
two factions. Tribal politics are the same
everywhere, they figured. The terrorists had
only one hijacked airplane and if they hit only
one, they would be accused of favoring the
survivor. The passion of their religious
militancy would be lost in the world of
Philippine business intramurals. The plane
headed for Makati, anyway. They encountered
another problem. The pollution was so bad and
visibility so poor that they could not discern
one building from another. Damn it, one
terrorist thought. Years earlier, he read in
his Bayview Hotel suite that these people had
passed a Clean Air Act. Their politicians were
crowing about it.
The guy figured that one of them should have
taken over the control tower so its radar could
vector them straight to Makati. Unknown to him,
the control tower could not have done it since
its radar was barely capable of launching and
landing aircraft in proper sequence. Its
upgrading project had been in limbo ever since
the Senate investigation on the Marconi radar
contract.
The terrorists finally crashed into a building,
but its few occupants survived. Most of the
floors were empty because of poor business
conditions. The office they hit had been
abandoned long ago by a crony of the previous
president. This triggered protests from civil
society, which viewed the attack as
"politically motivated" and as nothing but a
brazen attempt to destroy evidence for the
Sandiganbayan trial.
The building burned, and suddenly the mayor
showed up with a media crew demanding that the
owner and contractor be held liable for
violations of the Fire Safety Code. The Bureau
of Immigration got into the act and slapped a
hold-departure order on them.
The furor continued as politicians stumbled
over each other issuing statements.
The inevitable congressional investigations
followed. Witnesses received subpoenas from the
Senate and the House for hearings on the same
day these were issued. The hijackers were dead
and their suspected fellow terrorists were
still at large. So, the building owner,
contractor, and bandaged survivors experienced
the terror of being grilled for hours in both
hearings, all answering the same questions.
Extensive roundups and arrests followed. The
suspects, this time armed with underemployed
lawyers, questioned the procedures, and soon
enough the authorities spent their waking hours
fending off accusations from volunteer groups
and the Commission on Human Rights alleged
human rights violations.
Finally, the Defense Department took the lead
in the fight against terrorism. They blundered
in their first attempts at surveillance for
lack of high-tech equipment. Senators demanded
the resignation of the defense secretary for
not having the equipment he had been nagging
Congress about for some time now.
Defense personnel improvised and used mobile
phones for quick reaction units. But the
remaining terrorists made it a point to move
around at peak hours, knowing that the cell
phones would yield a garbled female voice
mumbling something about all circuits being
busy. A congressional franchise was proposed,
but nothing could move in the committee until
the investigation of the Gang of Five was
concluded.
Mercifully, Congress passed an anti-terrorist
supplementary budget. As the terrorists fanned
out of their lairs, defense and budget
officials worked overtime on the advice of
allotment and other paper work required to make
the funds available. A legal issue came up on
whether the acquisition of equipment should be
subjected to a bidding or be negotiated. An
opposition senator claimed that presidential
friends were cornering the contracts and warned
that the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee was
waiting, so the decision was to bid out the
contract on a "fast-track" basis.
After extensive research into the applicable
Commission on Audit circulars, a public bidding
was held and the lowest bidder got the award. A
gray area on the technical specifications was
spotted and the losing bidders filed a protest.
They managed to get a judge to issue a
temporary restraining order on the award of the
winning bids. Officials were threatened with
charges to be filed with the Ombudsman. A
pleading for certiorari was filed in the Court
of Appeals, with a motion ready for filing in
the Supreme Court. This caused another
congressional investigation.
The terrorists scratched their heads in
bewilderment. In addition to being fugitives,
they became fascinated observers. Instead of
sowing terror, they had stirred up a political
hornets' nest. Their intensive courses in
Terrorist University nestled in the highlands
of Afghanistan did not prepare them for this
mutated form of democracy. They concluded that
it might not be necessary for them to do
anything else here. The political system might
implode by itself sometime, anyway.
By this time, the Pinoys had exhausted
themselves laughing on top of their drinks. The
next day's hangover would remind them that the
joke was for real.
Think it over.
- 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Pinoy games: Pabitin, palosebo, basagan ng palayok. A few basic rules
make individual cunning and persistence a premium, and guarantee a
good time for all.
Balagtasan. The verbal joust that brings out rhyme, reason and passion
on a public stage.
Tabo. All-powerful, ever-useful, hygienically-triumphant device to scoop
water out of a bucket _ and help the true Pinoy answer nature's call.
Helps maintain our famously stringent toilet habits.
Pandesal. Despite its shrinking size, still a good buy. Goes well with
any filling, best when hot.
Jollibee. Truly Pinoy in taste and sensibility, and a corporate icon that
we can be quite proud of. Do you know that it's invaded the Middle East,
as well?
The butanding, the dolphins and other creatures in our blessed waters.
They're Pinoys, too, and they're here to stay. Now if some folks would
just stop turning them into daing.
Pakikisama. It's what makes people stay longer at parties, have another
drink, join pals in sickness and health. You can get dead drunk and still
make it home.
Sing-a-long. Filipinos love to sing, and thank God a lot of us do it well!
Kayumanggi. Neither pale nor dark, our skin tone is beautifully healthy,
the color of a rich earth or a mahogany tree growing towards the sun.
Update Date October 29, 2001
- 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Handwoven cloth and native weaves. Colorful, environment-friendly
alternatives to polyester that feature skillful workmanship and a rich
indigenous culture behind every thread. From the pinukpok of the north
to the malong of the south, it's the fiber of who we are.
Movies. Still the cheapest form of entertainment, especially if you watch
the same movie several times.
Bahala na. We cope with uncertainty by embracing it, and are thus enabled
to play life by ear.
Papaitan. An offal stew flavored with bile, admittedly an acquired taste,
but pointing to our national ability to acquire a taste for almost anything.
English. Whether carabao or Arr-neoww-accented, it doubles our chances in
the global marketplace.
The Press. Irresponsible, sensational, often inaccurate, but still the
liveliest in Asia. Otherwise, we'd all be glued to TV.
Divisoria. Smelly, crowded, a pickpocket's paradise, but you can get anything
here, often at rock-bottom prices. The sensory overload is a bonus.
Barong Tagalog. Enables men to look formal and dignified without having to
strangle themselves with a necktie. Worn well, it makes any ordinary Juan
look marvelously makisig.
Update Date November 5, 2001
- WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF Manila IS ATTACKED?
Submitted by Sesenia O.
After the tragedy in New York and Washington
the question arises:
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF Manila IS ATTACKED?
Well ... if that happens, there can be no
comparison. That's because in Manila, we are
much better prepared for these kind of attacks.
1. We do not have tall buildings. The only
large structure that can be seen from above
is the Marcos monument in Ilocos and terrorists are
welcome to target that.
2. We all get on the job late in the morning
specially government employess, so at 8:45 there
won't be sufficient people to kill (well,
even at 10 am!).
3. Fire fighters and police officers will do
their utmost not to get to the spot in time.
They will reach there just when everything is over,
So there will be no casualties among them.
4. The national airline would surely have
fouled up the terrorists plans by being delayed
again or crash before even getting to the
target due to mechanical trouble.
5. A Pinoy would not have used his cell phone
to call home. He would've hit the terrorist with
it over the head.
6. If a terrorist was living for one year in Manila
he would've been robbed and molested so many times
he would've given up and gone back to his home
country long time ago.
7. In Manila, the terrorists would not have
gotten the flight manual, they would've had to
pay for it.
You see... in Manila we are well prepared!
- 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Filipinas. They make the best friends, lovers, wives.
Too bad they can't say the same for Filipinos.
Filipinos. So maybe they're bolero and macho with an
occasional streak of generic infidelity; they do know
how to make a woman feel like one.
Catholicism. What fun would sin be without guilt? Jesus
Christ is firmly planted on Philippine soil.
Dolphy. Our favorite, ultra-durable comedian gives the
beleaguered Pinoy everyman an odd dignity, even in drag.
Style. Something we often prefer over substance. But every
Filipino claims it as a birthright.
Bad taste. Clear plastic covers on the vinyl-upholstered sofa,
posters of poker-playing dogs masquerading as art, over
accessorized jeepneys and altars--the list is endless, and
wealth only seems to magnify it.
Mangoes. Crisp and tart, or lusciously ripe, they evoke
memories of family outings and endless sunshine in a
heart-shaped package.Mangoes. Crisp and tart, or lusciously
ripe, they evoke memories of family outings and endless sunshine
in a heart-shaped package.
Update Date November 12, 2001
- 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Unbridled optimism. Why we rank so low on the suicide scale.
Street food: Barbecue, lugaw, banana-cue, fishballs, IUD (chicken
entrails), adidas (chicken feet), warm taho. Forget hepatitis;
here's cheap, tasty food with gritty ambience.
The siesta. Snoozing in the middle of the day is smart, not lazy.
Honorifics and courteous titles: Kuya, ate, diko, ditse, ineng,
totoy, Ingkong, Aling, Mang, etc. No exact English translation,
but these words connote respect, deference and the value placed
on kinship.
Heroes and people who stood up for truth and freedom. Lapu-lapu
started it all, and other heroes and revolutionaries followed:
Diego Silang, Macario Sakay, Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio,
Apolinario Mabini, Melchora Aquino, Gregorio del Pilar, Gabriela
Silang, Miguel Malvar, Francisco Balagtas, Juan Luna, Marcelo H.
del Pilar, Panday Pira, Emilio Jacinto, Raha Suliman, Antonio Luna,
Gomburza, Emilio Aguinaldo, the heroes of Bataan and Corregidor,
Pepe Diokno, Satur Ocampo, Dean Armando Malay, Evelio Javier, Ninoy
Aquino, Lola Rosa and other comfort women who spoke up, honest cabbie
Emilio Advincula, Rona Mahilum, the women lawyers who didn't let
Jalosjos get away with rape.
Flora and fauna. The sea cow (dugong), the tarsier, calamian deer,
bearcat, Philippine eagle, sampaguita, ilang-ilang, camia, pandan,
the creatures that make our archipelago unique.
Pilipino songs, OPM and composers: "Ama Namin," "Lupang Hinirang,"
"Gaano Ko Ikaw Kamahal," "Ngayon at Kailanman," "Anak," "Handog,"
"Hindi Kita Malilimutan," "Ang Pasko ay Sumapit"; Ryan Cayabyab,
George Canseco, Restie Umali, Levi Celerio, Manuel Francisco, Freddie
Aguilar, and Florante--living examples of our musical gift.
Metro Aides. They started out as Imelda Marcos' groupies, but have
gallantly proven their worth. Against all odds, they continuously
prove that cleanliness is next to godliness--especially now that
those darned candidates' posters have to be scraped off the face
of Manila!
Update Date November 19, 2001
- 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Sari-sari store. There's one in every corner, offering everything
from bananas and floor wax to Band-Aid and bakya.
Philippine National Red Cross. PAWS. Caritas. Fund drives. They
help us help each other.
Favorite TV shows through the years: "Tawag ng Tanghalan," "John
and Marsha," "Champoy," "Ryan, Ryan Musikahan," "Kuwarta o Kahon,"
"Public Forum/Lives," "Student Canteen," "Eat Bulaga." In the age
of inane variety shows, they have redeemed Philippine television.
Quirks of language that can drive crazy any tourist listening in:
"Bababa ba?" "Bababa!"
"Sayang!" "Naman!" "Kadiri!" "Ano ba!?" "pala." Expressions that
defy translation but wring out feelings genuinely Pinoy.
Cockfighting. Filipino men love it more than their wives (sometimes).
Dr. Jose Rizal. A category in himself. Hero, medicine man, genius,
athlete, sculptor, fictionist, poet, essayist, husband, lover,
samaritan, martyr. Truly someone to emulate and be proud of, anytime,
anywhere.
MORE ON NEXT UPDATE .........
- BABY TALK
Submitted by Bong V.
LETS TALK ABOUT BABIES.....Kapag umiiyak ang baby -- i PAMPERS mo,
Kapag
umiiyak pa rin -- i KIMBIES mo, Pag ayaw pa ring tumigil sa pag-iyak
aba'y........ i HUGGIES mo na!!
Update Date November 26, 2001
- 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
By: Anonymous
Submitted by Pepe.
Ed's note: Might not be jokes but brings out a smile
in you.
Nora Aunor. Short, dark and homely-looking, she redefined our
rigid concept of how leading ladies should look.
Filipino Christmas. The world's longest holiday season. A perfect
excuse to mix our love for feasting, gift-giving and music and wrap
it up with a touch of religion.
Relatives and kababayan abroad. The best refuge against loneliness,
discrimination and confusion in a foreign place. Distant relatives
and fellow Pinoys readily roll out the welcome mat even on the basis
of a phone introduction or referral.
Festivals: Sinulog, Ati-atihan, Moriones. Sounds, colors, pagan frenzy
and Christian overtones.
Folk dances. Tinikling, pandanggo sa ilaw, kari?sa, kuratsa, itik-itik,
alitaptap, rigodon. All the right moves and a distinct rhythm.
Native wear and costumes. Baro't saya, tapis, terno, saya, salakot,
bakya. Lovely form and ingenious function in the way we dress.
Sunday family gather