KATANUNGAN

Pwede bang magka-cellphone ang mga mahihirap?
Brod pete: OO. sa kanutayan nga walang mayaman na gumagamit nito.
brod willy: The subscriber cannot be "rich"


PLDT COMMERCIAL

girl: Bye mom! Be home from camp Sunday. I'll be okay.
teen: Bye mom! Be home by midnight. Relax, I'll be okay.
bride: Bye mom! I'll always be your little girl come what may.
mom: Tumigil ka, Junior!


TYPES OF WOMEN IN BED:
Vulgar- Oh Shit! Oh Shit!
Accountant- Isa pa! Isa pa!
Driver- Ikanto mo, ikanto mo
Murderer-pag-umalis ka dyan papatayin kita!

Son: Dad! Nakipag sex ako sa teacher ko!
  Dad: Talaga? Halika let's celebrate your coming to manhood.
  Son: Bukas na lang, ang sakit ng pwet ko eh!

 A priest lost a rooster, and he asked around...
    "Anyone got a cock?" All men stood up.
    "No, I mean anyone seen a cock?"
    All women stood up.
    "No,no anyone seen my cock?" All nuns stood up.

 Guy: Sarap sa umaga, maghuhubad muna ako and then I touch it, slowly
          stroking it! Sarap faster, ikot-ikot ko pa! Lalabas na, ayan na,ah!
          Talsik sa dibdib ko ....ummmm.........sarap talaga magshower, lamig!!!

Q: Ano ang difference ng bading at cannibal?
    A: Ang cannibal kumakain ng ka-uri, and bading naman kumakain ng ka-ari!

 What's the similarity between sperms and mayonaise?
   1. Pareho silang spreadable
   2. Pareho silang may proteins
   3. Pareho silang galing sa  itlog
   4. Pareho silang Ladies Choice!

 Spanish Poem:
     Bomba este Mama.
     El papa la bomba de Mama de kama.
     Tres beses birada.
     El papa pagod na, la Mama gusto isa pa.
     Papa takas na porque titi niya maga na.

 Q: Bakit ang brief ay may bulsa?
     A: Kasi lalagyan ng asin, pampaalat ng itlog
     Q: Eh, bakit ang panty wala?
     A: Kasi maalat na ang mani

 Tips on doing a Blowjob. If you do it for lust, spit it out,
If you do it for love,swallow it and if you want to show-off,
gargle it!

Translated "Devirginized" in different Languages
    Japanese:  Wasakiki
    Chinese: Wanglu
    German: Broknhymen
    Russian: Nafuckna
    French:Le-spag
    Italian: Pasoktiti

 Roderick: Sa halagang P5,000.00, pera o bayag?
     Bakla: Bayag!
     Roderick: P10,000, pera o bayag?
     Bakla: Bayag talaga! Bayag!
     Roderick: At ang pinagpalit sa Sampung libo ay.... Bayag ng aso!!!

ANG LABO N'YO MEN!

If u smile at 'em, they think pa-cute ka
If u don't naman, sasabihan kang suplada
If u respond to his love agad, they think
yer easy to get
If it took u years to decide, sobra kang
pa-hard to get
If u go out with him alone, sasabihan kang
liberated
Kapag may chaperon along, bad trip k'se
madidisturb
If u go out with another guy, tingin sa'yo
play girl
'Pag stick ka sa kanya, they'll proclaim yer
dead na dead
If u ask him where he's been, sasabihan kang
over-protective
'Pag pinabayaan mo naman, they think yer
fooling around lang
If u let him kiss yah, he thinks yer cheap
If u refuse naman, he'll go find another
chick...
Girls are just humans and may mistakes den,
And we often wonder, ba't ANG LABO N'YO
MEN?!

Dermatologist to a patient.
   DERMA: Miss, may good news ako sa inyo. Hindi na kayo tutubuan ng
          tigyawat.
   MS.: Talaga po doc?
   DERMA: OO, dahil wala ng space.
 
 
Kring, kring.........
   AMO:Inday sagutin mo ang telepono baka kabit yan ng Sir mo!!!
   INDAY:Si Ma'am talaga o.....pinapaselos ako!!!
  
  
Ito na lang ang bilhin mo signatures na signatures ang dating.
   CK--------Cavite Kamiseta.
   YSL-------Yari Sa Laguna.
   UCB-------Under the Coconut tree in Baclaran.
   DKNY------Divisoria Kanto Ng Ylaya.
   
   
At pag suot mo tong mga to pre, pang GQ model ang dating mo sa
   magazines:
   GQ------ Galing Quiapo ----------
   
   
3 bears were driving on the road. They accidently drove off a cliff and
   into the water.
   Which bear did not get wet?
   * the dribear.
   Which bear saw the accident?
   * the neighbear.
   Which bear came out of the car safely?
   * the surbibear.
   Which bear fixed the car?
   * MacGuyBear
   
   
Business Names:
   MASTERVISION (video rental shop)
   PETAL ATTRACTION (flower shop)
   INTERNATIONAL FUNERAL HOMES (kailangan kaya ng visa dito?)
   LUNAS SIKMURA (a last-resort restaurant)
   STD (if it's car parts, hardware, or disease, we're not sure)
   Le Cheng Tea House (Was the owner in a bad mood when it was named?)
   DETH'S Eatery (eat and you die!)
   
NAKATAKAS
   Police Chief: "Guards, may nakawalang hoodlum! Bantayan ang mga exits!"
   Later...
   Guard: "Sir, nakatakas ang hoodlum."
   Police Chief: "Paano nangyari iyun?"
   Guard: "Sir, sa entrance siya dumaan."

  ______________________________________
  
Kwentong US Embassy sa Manila
 
This is a true incident (kuno:

A 70 year old 'lolo' from the province was accompanied by a
grandson to the
US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview. The lolo spoke
not a word of  English so the grandson translated for him.

The consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he
wanted to go to  the States. "Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?"
the grandson translated. "Sabihim mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko
doon.""He said he wants to see his children there."

  Fair enough, that's what the lolo's application indicated.
The consul had   another question. "Ask him why does he have to go there? Why
can't his  children just come and visit him here?" The grandson
translated this in Tagalog.

Lolo replied: "Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak
ko.Nakita na  nila and Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita and Amerika bago
ako mamatay."
(Translation: "Tell him, my children were born here.
They've seen the  Philippines already. I just want to see America before I
die.")

The heartless consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of
any emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application because the
applicant was unable to speak a word of English.

 "Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong
mag-Ingles."
 The lolo was equally unimpressed. "Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at
huwag mongpapalitan ang sasabihin ko. PUTANG  ina niya, bakit siya
nandidito eh hindi  naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog."
 Translated: "He said- you son of a bitch, how come you are
here...you do  not know how to speak in Tagalog."

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented
and approved  lolo's visa application in pronto.


Subject: Nippongo

 HAINAKU!!!!!
 Japanese Translations II 

Is this your property?           Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property.        Arikoto.
Is this yours?                   Sayobato?
This is mine.                    Sakinitu.
Can I have it?                   Akinato?
You can have it.                 Sayonato (sing.)
Can we have it?                  Saminato?
You can have it.                 Sanyonato (pl.)
You haven't washed your face.    Mimutamatamo.
You've grown so thin!            Kitanabutomo.
We saw each other.               Kitakami.
We had a big get-together.       Kitakita kami.
Have a drink before you go.      Toma kamuna.
That was my assumption.          Inakarako.
Let's go quickly!                Bachi-na-yota!
We will boycott the election.    Kami noboto.
Underarm odor.                   Kirikiripawa
Are you a victim of discrimination? Minamatakaba?
I give up.                       Sukonako.
Ouch!                            Haraiku!
What a sad life it is.           Hainaku.
I'm going to leave you.          Sawanako sayo.

For adults only:
I made love to you.              Inararokita.



Update Date: Nov.16,1999

Subject:  Learn Chinese In Five Minutes!

 Chinese Expressions.
 Just match the Chinese interpretation to the English and speak Chinese
 in just five minutes!!

 Are you harbouring a fugitive?
 Hu Yu Hai Ding?

 See me ASAP!
 Kum Hia Nao.

 Stupid Man.
 Dum Gai.

 Your price is too high!
 No Bai Dam Ting!

 Did you go to the beach?
 Wai Yu So Tan?

 I bumped into the coffee table.
 I Bang Mai Ni.

 I think you need a facelift.
 Chin Tu Fat.

 It's very dark in here.
 Wai So Dim?

 Has your flight been delayed?
 Hao Long Wei Ting?

 That was an unauthorised execution.
 Lin Ching.

 I thought you were on a diet?
 Wai Yu Mun Ching?

 This is a tow away zone.
 No Pah King.

 Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
 Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

 You are not very bright.
 Yu So Dum.

 I got this free.
 Ai No Pei.

 I am not guilty.
 Wai Hang Mi?

 Please, stay a while longer.
 Wai Go Nao?

 Meeting was scheduled for next week.
 Wai Yu Kum Nao?

 They have arrived.
 Hia Dei Kum.

 Stay out of sight.
 Lei Lo.

 He's cleaning his automobile.
 Wa Shing Ka.

 I'm tired of your bad attitude.

 
Kolektor ng Electricidad

Si Bertulfo ay isang kolektor ng mga utang sa Meralco para sa 
elektrisidad.Sapagkat maaga niyang nasimulan ang kaniyang pangongolekta nung araw 
na iyon, alas siyete pa lang ng umaga ay kumatok na siya sa pinto ng una 
niyang parukyano sa araw na iyon.

Bumukas ang pinto. Nakita ni Bertulfo na si Misis ang sumagot sa 
kaniyang katok at napansin rin niya na ang suot lang ni Misis ay bra at panty 
sa ilalim ng kaniyang manipis na nightgown. "Misis", wika ni Bertulfo, 
"ako po ang inyong kolektor para sa elektrisidad." Sagot ni Misis, "Ay 
naku... tulog pa si Mister. Mabuti pa, bumalik ka na lang mamayang bago mag alas 
nuwebe at kung gising na si Mister ay tiyak na mabayaran ka na." "O, sige, 
po..." sagot ni Bertulfo, "tutuloy na muna po ako sa ibang bahay. Salamat po at 
babalikan ko na lang kayo mamaya."

Nagligid si Bertulfo sa mga kapitbahay ni Misis. Sapagkat maraming 
nagbayad kay Bertulfo, hindi niya napansin na nakaraan na ang alas nuwebe. 
Tumakbong paparoon kila Misis si Bertulfo. Humihingal pa siya ng dumating sa 
bahay ni Misis, kumatok agad si Bertulfo. Sabay bukas ang pinto. Si Misis 
ulit! "Ay naku, ka-aalis lang ni Mister", wika ni Misis. "Hindi bale, bumalik 
ka ng mga alas dose ng tanghali. Mate-tyempuhan mo si Mister pagkat sabi niya 
ay dito siya sa bahay manananghalian". Habang nagsasalita si Misis, napansin 
ni Bertulfo na ang suot ni Misis ay yun na lang kaniyang bra at panty. 
Wala na yung kaniyang nightgown! "O, sige po," wika ni Bertulfo, babalik na 
lang po ako ng mga tanghaling tapat." Lumakad ng paalis si Bertulfo ngunit 
hindi niya maalis sa kaniyang isipan ang kaniyang napansin na suot ni Misis. 
Hmmm... Nung una, may nightgown pa. Ngayon, bra at panty na lang. Mukhang may 
ibig sabihin itong si Misis. Hmmm...

Bumalik si Bertulfo kila Misis ng tanghaling tapat. Hindi pa rin ni 
Bertulfo nakalimutan ang unti-unting natatanggal na mga kasuotan ni Misis. 
Hmmm... Mabuti pa, paghandaan ko na si Misis, wika ni Bertulfo sa kaniyang 
sarili. Binuksan ni Bertulfo ang zipper ng kaniyang pantalon. Pagkatapos ay 
nilabas ni Bertulfo ang kaniyang pinakamahalagang ari-arian. Sa madaling 
sabi, sa kasabikan niya, nakikita na rin na handang handa na ni Bertulfo'ng 
ibigay kay Misis ang biyayang pinagkaloob ng diyos sa isang kababaihan! Sabay 
katok ni Bertulfo.

Biglang bukas yung pinto. Bigla ring dungaw ng isang napakalaking 
lalaki na ang tatoo ay mula tuktok hanggang talampakan at may hawak na itak. 
Napansin nung lalaki na bukas ang zipper ni Bertulfo at nakalabas ang kaniyang 
pinakamahalagang kayaman, kaya ang tanong kay Bertulfo ay: "Ano sa 
palagay mo ang ginagawa mo?"

Ngayon, kung kayo si Bertulfo... ano'ng isasagot niyo? Bilis!
Pagalit at pasigaw na sagot ni Bertulfo sa lalaki: "Kapag hindi pa 
kayo nagbayad ng utang niyo, i-ihian ko na itong bahay niyo!"


Update Date 11-18-99


 Subject: filipino acronyms
 
 Happy Valentine's. In the spirit of love that is true and baduy, here
 are some L.O.V.E. lines which you should NEVER use....Enjoy!
  
 H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
  
 I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
  
 L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
  
 F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
  
 C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
  
 B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
  
 N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
  
 I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
  
 K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
  
 C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
  
 K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
  
 E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
  
 R.U.S.S.I.A. - Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.
  
 M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
  
 B.A.L.I.W.A.G. - Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.
  
 M.A.L.A.B.O.N. - May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.
  
 I.M.U.S. - I Miss U, Sweetheart.
  
 P.A.S.I.G. - Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.
  
 C.E.B.U. - Change Everything... But Us.
  
 P.E.R.U. - Porget Everyone... Remember Us.
  
 P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. - Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice
 And Quiet Under Ecstacy.
  
 T.O.N.D.O. - Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.
  
 P.A.S.A.Y. - Pretty And Sexy Are You.
  
 Y.E.M.E.N. - 'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.
  
 M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Love Because Of
 Romance Only.
  
 Y.A.M.A.H.A. - You Are My Angel! Happy Anniversary!
  
 And a favorite acronym so far:
  
 P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. - Pumping Hot.. I Love It!  Please Please..
                           I Need Erotic Stimulation
 
 
 
Dahil sa nananatiling 'Colonial Mentality' ng ating mga
kababayan, 
 marami ang nagpapalit ng kanilang mga pangalan matapos silang
sumumpa ng kanilang US citizenship. Sa ibaba nitong liham ay
mga 
 ehemplo ng mga datihang Pilipino na tuluyan ng itakwil ang
 kani-kanilang pangalang Pilipino. 

 PANGALANG PILIPINO         ipinalit sa       AMERICAN NAME 

Restituto Fruto                              Tutti Fruti
Casimiro Bocaycay                            Cashmere Bouquet 
Rogelio Dagdag                               Roger Moore
Veneracion de Asis                           Venereal Disease
Alfonso de Asis                              Alzheimer's Disease 
Topacio Mamaril                              Top Gun
Francisco Portero                            Frank Porter
Juan Tampipi                                 John Samsonite
Victoria Malihim                             Victoria's Secret 
Anacleto Torres                              Clit Towers
Eliutario Ignacio                            Electronic Ignition 
Bienvenido Jurado                            Ben Hur
      
  
Subject: Caution: Medyo Bastos lang naman

   Q: Is Winnie the Pooh a girl or a boy?
   A: A girl kase kung boy eh di sana Winnie The Ti!

   Q: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng ulap sa panty?
   A: Pag hinawi mo ang ulap, ulap pa rin. Pag hinawi mo ang
      panty....WOW Heaven!!!!

   Q: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng talong sa kalabasa?
   A: Ang kalabasa pampalinaw ng mata, ang talong pampatirik ng mata!

   A girl from an exclusive school was asked;
   Q: What is the difference between a penis and a kamote?
   A: Yuck!!! I don't eat kamote!

   2 Langaws on a piece of shit....
   Langaw 1: Pare nauutot ako.
   Langaw 2: Pare wala namang ganyanan, kumakain tayo!!!

   Grabe talaga ang mga bisaya, mahirap intindihin...sa kanila
   ang malambot SUP, ang sabaw - SUP, ang sabon - SUP pa din!!!

Real Business Names
 
Ali Baka ( Shawarma )
Anita Bakery
Beefer 150 ( Meat Shop )
Common Cents Store ( Sari-sari Store ) 
Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery ) 
Curl Up And Dye ( Beauty Salon )
Doris Day and Night ( 24 hour eatery ) 
Elizabeth Tailoring
Farmacia With Love ( A Drugstore )
Felix the Cut ( Barber  Shop )
Funeraria Mabuhay
      
Goldirocks ( Gravel & Sand Shop )
Labo Optical
L.B.M. Restaurant
Maid To Order ( Maids Placement Agency ) 
Mane Attraction ( Beauty Parlor )
Meating Place ( Meat Shop )
Memory Drug ( A Mercury Drug Clone ) 
Nacho Fast ( Nachos To Go )
O'Beer Time ( Bar  cum Nightclub )
Passers Buy ( Convenience Store )
Perm Foundation ( A Christian Beauty Salon ) 
Petal Attraction ( Flower Shop )
Saudia Hairlines ( Beauty Salon )
Scissors Palace ( Barber shop )
      
Second Time Around ( Second Hand Watch Store ) 
TapSi TurBi ( Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka ) 
The Way We Wear ( Boutique )
Wash & Carry ( Laundromat )
Mercy Buko ( Fresh Coconut Roadside Shop )
      
Cooking ng Ina Mo       (carinderia near Mandaluyong city hall) 
Cooking ng Ina Mo Rin        (branch across the street)
Dear Hunter ( Mail Order Brides )
MacDonuts ( Donut Shop )
Mat & Jeep ( Jeep Accessories Shop ) 
Your Best Vet ( Veterinary Clinic )
 
Update Date Nov.19, 1999

Q. What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden wheels, a
wooden chair, and a wooden engine?
A. It wooden start! hehehe!!!
_____________________________________

At 21 women proudly say, "I'm part of TGIS" - Thank God I'm single!
At 31 women strongly say "I am part of TIIS" - Tang ina, I'm single!
_____________________________________

Bro. Willy: Brod Pete nasusulat po ba na puwedeng magka-celfone ang 
mga mahihirap?
Brod Pete: Ah, oo naman! Actually bawal nga iyan sa mga mayayaman, eh!
Bro. Willy: Bawal po?!
Brod Pete: Oo! Sige basa.
Bro. Willy: "The subscriber cannot be rich!"
________________________________________

lady applicant :doc I am a nurse and I would like to apply for a job
doc:               do you have any experience?
lady  applicant: i have little with patients but a lot with doc
doc:               your hired
________________________________________

Bugtong-bugtong:Patpat kong matigas lakas pasok sa butas, pag iyong
diniin kiliti ang marating. ano ito?

di cotton buds

________________________________________

Ratio of good relationship:

rich girlfriend=happyboyfriend
sexyGF=contented BF;
smart GF=under BF;
pretty GF=problematic BF;
ugly GF=patient BF;
pokpok GF= maniyak BF
__________________________________

In a grade 4 class:
girl: ma'm, can a 30 year old woman bear a child?
teacher: yes
girl: a 20 year old lady?
Teacher: yes
girl:10 year old girl?
Teacher:no!
boy nudged girl : see I told you not to worry
________________________________________

last night i went outside to see the stars and made a wish that i may
have a special friend. then suddently the stars showed me who it was. It
outlined your face and i said: Ba't may sungay ka.
________________________________________

i had a dream about you! nasa heaven daw tayo, then you were with a 
cute angel.
my angel was ugly. Tampo ako, i asked St. Peter
"Why cute angel mo?"
He replied: "Balance of nature"
________________________________________

Question : what's is the fastest thing on earth?
Doc      : bullet
Atty          : sound
Scientist     : light, it travels 6 billion miles in 1 light year
Ans      : Prayer. It reaches God even before you say it.
_______________________________________

kuba and friend: Tinutukso nia akong