Update Date February 18, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

CHINESE TORTURE TESTS

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a
long grey . "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition.  If you so much as
lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst 
Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful 
and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as 
well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal.  Remembering the
old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a
night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old
man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that
read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do 
then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked 
over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it
that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close
to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he
jumped out of the window after the boulder.  As he plummeted toward the
ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed

HEBONICS

NEW YORK, February 1 - The New York City school board has
officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as
a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School
District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a
valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New
York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence
structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European
language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any
question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that
is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered,
'How should I be, with my feet?'"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle
for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the
repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence
to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:
"It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the
end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as
'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like
a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook,
Switched-On Hebonics.
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with
the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the
other ties I gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"


Update Date February 19, 2001


WILL?

The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went 
to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, 
saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an 
advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have 
had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal." 

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman. 

"Do you want to write your will?" 

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite." 


24 HOUR SERVICE


Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched 
ths small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he 
found a sign which read: 
          "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit 
tomorrow."
   
"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.
  
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer 
protested.
  
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully.  "But we 
only work eight hours a day.  Today's Thursday - eight hours 
today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday.  That's 24-hour 
service."


Update Date February 20, 2001

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

1.Never take a beer to a job interview.

2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4.If you have to vacuume the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5.Evenif you are certain you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.

REDNECK VASECTOMY

One day a redneck and his wife living in Alabama decided that after
having their eleventh child, they couldnt afford a larger doublewide
trailer so the husband needed to have a vasectomy. He went to the town
doctor and he told the redneck to light a cherry bomb, place it in a
beer bottle and to place it next to his ear and count to ten. The
redneck thinks they doctor is crazy so he goes to Georgia to ask a
doctor there. He gets to Georgia and the doctor begins to explain the
process until he found out he was from Alabama and then proceeded to
tell him the same thing. The Redneck figures they both cant be wrong.
He goes home, lights a cherry bomb and places it in a beer can. He
hold it up to his ear and begins to count on one hand,
1...2...3...4...5..., he pauses and
places it between his legs while he begins to count on the other hand,
6...7...


Update Date February 21, 2001

THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10.  You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9.  He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years
running.

8.  When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7.  Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6.  Somehow, he gets HBO on his PC at work.

5.  Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4.  Massive IRA (in Canada, RRSP) contribution made in half-cent
increments.

3.  Video dating profile lists, "Public-key encryption" among
turn-ons.

2.  When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr.
President."

1.  You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."


WALL STREET MAN

The Wall Street man was standing at the curb when a friend from his old
home town, whom he hadn't seen in years, approached.  They embraced, but
the friend seemed mighty serious.  "I'm awful sorry to tell you this,"
said the visitor, "but your old and dear Aunt Cecily is in jail."

"Glad you told me," said the broker.  "It's good to know she's provided
for."

KIDS

Every father was a kid once...and every mother is trying to make the
neighbors believe she is still one.

LIQUOR PROBLEMS

I'm against liquor.  That was the cause of my father's death."
"Drank too much?"
"No.  A case fell on his head."


Update Date February 22, 2001

GOOD JEWISH GIRL
Submitted by Lee B.

A Jewish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home
money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come
home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur
and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem
to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."

The girl took his hands and said, "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you
something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it
from you any longer.  I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand over his heart and keeled over.

The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He
was put to bed and the Rabbi was called.  As the Rabbi was comforting, the
mother and daughter, the old man muttered weakly,  "I'm a goner, killed by my
own daughter!  Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed.  "I only wanted to have nice
things!  I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it
was by becoming a prostitute."

The old man sat bolt upright in bed, brushing the Rabbi aside, and smiling.

"Did you say a prostitute?  Thank God!!! I thought you said a Protestant.

GOLF CAN BE DANGEROUS

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the
woods.  Harry, his partner, had laughed and poked fun, but then
somehow managed to hit his own ball into the woods, just a few yards
beyond.

Fred hunted for a long time, getting angrier every minute.  Finally,
in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.  Instead of
just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single
buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!  Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups?  Just for that, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn the rest of your life.  Better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.  As a matter of fact,
you won't have any butter for ANYTHING the rest of your life!"  Then
POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!
Harry!  Where are you?"

Harry yelled, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Fred screamed back, "Don't swing!  For heaven's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

HMMM...

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

OUCH!

He was bitten by a snake, so I gave him whiskey.  It didn't cure him,
but he died happy.


Update Date February 23, 2001

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

A father asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the
bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At
age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you
hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell
me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live
for!

PHOTOS

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle 
bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man 
ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was 
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this 
picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: 
"That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

WHAT'S YOUR JOB?

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I 
answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I 
explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if 
I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to 
someone who knows something."


Update Date February 24, 2001

GOT THE TIME?

"Pardon me, sir. Do you have the time?"  Montgomery asked.

The elderly gentleman removed the watch from his vest pocked, studied
it, and then put it back without telling the young man the time.

"I say, old chap, do you have the time you know?"  Montgomery
repeated, in his best British accent.

Once more, the elderly gentleman repeated the process of looking at
his watch and putting it back into his pocked without telling him the
time.

"Why do you do that?"

"It's like this," the elderly gent explained.  "If I told you the
time, you'd start asking me where I come from.  Then you'd visit me.
Meet my beautiful daughter.  Fall in love with her and she'd fall in
love with you.  Then you'd ask for her hand in marriage and I couldn't
refuse.  And I'll be darned if I want a son-in-law who can't afford a
watch

 AGE

"How could you have a son that age?"
"I didn't.  When I had him, he was just a baby.

INHERITANCE

Dan walks into his friend Steve's house and sees that Steve is
depressed.

"Steve, why are you so depressed?"

"Four weeks ago, my 97-year-old uncle died and left me $8,000."
"Three weeks ago, my 93-year-old Aunt dies and leaves us with
$234,000."  "Two weeks ago, my second cousin dies at 102 and leaves us
with $2.3 million"

Dan replies, "Well, your relatives lived good, full lives and left you
a lot of money.  Are you depressed over these deaths?"

Steve replies, "No, I am depressed that the phone has not rung this
week with any news from other relatives."


Update Date February 25, 2001

TRAFFIC VIOLATION

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the
wheel was knitting.

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells,
"PULL OVER!"

"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF!"


BILL AND HILLARY
Submitted by Lee B.

When Bill and Hillary first got married  Bill said, 
"I am putting a box under the bed. You must 
promise never to look in it." In all their 30 
years of marriage Hillary never looked. 

However, on the afternoon of their 30th 
anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and 
she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box 
were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. 

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. 
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was 
doubly curious as to why. 

That evening they were out for a special dinner. 
After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her 
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so 
sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and 
never looked into the box under our bed. However, 
today the temptation was too much and I gave in. 
But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans 
in the box?" 

Bill thought  for a while and said, "I guess after 
all these years  you deserve to know the truth. 
Whenever I was  unfaithful to you I put an empty 
beer can in the box  under the bed to remind myself 
not to do it again." 

Hillary was shocked, but said,  "Hmmm, Jennifer, 
Paula and Monica. I am very  disappointed and 
saddened but temptation does happen  and I guess 
that 3 times is not that bad considering  the 
years." 

They hugged and made their peace. 

A  little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why 
do you  have all that money in the box?" 

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up 
with  empty cans, I took them to the recycling 
center and  redeemed them for cash 
  

Update Date February 26, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

Some more things to think about:

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language.  Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree
surgeons debarked, and drycleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks so, I wondered, what do Chinese
mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is
winning.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?

TEDDY BEARS

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. 

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. 
  
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment,he 
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. 

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium 
sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf 
along the wall. 

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of 
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to 
mention this to her. 

He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each  others clothes off 
and make love. 
  
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the 
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" 
  
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf." 


Update Date February 27, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

WORRIED

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her
husband to a therapist, who wound up treating him by teaching him the
technique of self-hypnosis.

To the wife's pleasant surprise, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, just before
Their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several
minutes.

This annoyed her until, finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying the therapeutic
technique. The husband was repeating an expression to himself:

"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."


WHO SAID THAT
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask
first and correctly can leave early today. Little Johnny says to
himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever - that answer's
mine!"

The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago?
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln,"
The teacher said, "That's right, Susie, you can go."

Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, `I Have a Dream?" Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said,
"That's right, Mary, you can go."

Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not, what your country can do for
you? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
teacher said, "That's right, Nancy, you can go."

Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut." The shocked teacher asked,
"Who said that?"

Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton, see you Monday!"


Update Date February 28, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

GETTING SMART

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at
the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris
replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers
won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful
customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat
enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.
The customer buys three.

  A week later, he's back in
the store complaining that the fish heads were
disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris. The customer
goes home with 20 more fish heads.

Two weeks later,
he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads
for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the
whole fish for $2.
...You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris.
"You're smarter already."


ADVICE

The following is a father's advice to his son just moments
before he gets on the bus that will carry him off to join
the Army:

"Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure
as many of the men in our family have done since your
great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago.
There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter -
remember your training and obey your commanders, this will
keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always
stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in
grave jeopardy. When the time of battle is over, be wary
as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there
are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many
temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and
this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the
time. In every town there will be a street that will be most
treacherous of all - there will be strong drink to dull
your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing,
and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch
you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is simple
- What ever you do..." "FIND THAT STREET."

Update Date March 1, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

4 LETTER WORDS 
  
 A young jewish couple got married and left on their honeymoon.  When they 
 got back, the bride immediately called her mother. 

 "Well," said her mother, "so-how was the honeymoon?" 

 "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!  So romantic." 
 Suddenly she burst out crying.  "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam 
 started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! 
I  mean, all these awful 4-letter words!  You've got to come get me and take 
me home.  PLEASE MAMA!" 

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!  Tell me, what could be so 
awful?  WHAT 4-letter words?" 

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so 
embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!" 

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.  Tell your mother 
these horrible 4-letter words!" 

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama words like:  Dust, Wash, Iron, 
Cook" 

"I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother. 


PIG

A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells
"PIG!!".

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!".
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds a curve he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies . . .

If men would only listen.


Update Date March 2, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

TRANSPLANT

Ida the office blonde said that with all the new
transplants they're doing, she'd like to see about being a
virgin again.

But sexy Sophie just laughed and said, "And where in hell
do you think they'd find a donor?"

CEMETERY HUMOR

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet
at the headstone and gets up to leave.  All of a sudden, he notices
another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves, and it
was breaking his heart.


The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the man wail, "Oh why?  Why
did you have to die??  Why did you go?"  The man breaks down sobbing
again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying, "Oh why did
you die!?  Why did you go so soon?"

Intrigued, the first man walks up to him and says, "I'm so sorry for
your loss, is there anything I can do for you?"  "Who is the person
you are crying over so desperately," he asks, compassionately.

"That's my wife's third husband," comes the reply, between sobs.  "I'm
number four..."

VALENTINES

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentine's Day cards
for his daughter and mother.  The 50-foot display of hundreds of cards
astounded him.

He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses?"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex'
category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes sir.  They're called bullets!"


Update Date March 3, 2001


MATTER OF OPINIONS

A patient complained to his doctor, 
"I've been to three other doctors
and none of them agreed with your 
diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait 
until the autopsy, then they'll see 
that I was right."


ETCETERA

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?  He walks around saying,
"Yo."

How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee?  
With Kareem!!!


Update Date March 4, 2001

TOO PUNNY!

A college student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her
young love.  She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the
heart before the course.

CLONE GROAN

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak
at a national convention of cloning scientists.  The meeting room was
located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

"My fellow scientists," he began, but before he could utter another
word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "He's a *&^^%*@)&!"

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again.  "My
fellow scientists," and again, the clone sprang to his feet and
yelled, "This dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox.  He's
a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!"

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw
him out of the window.

The crowd gasped, and security rushed into the room.  A short while
later, New York's finest arrived, and the events that had transpired
were explained to them.  The police chief said to the scientist, "We
are going to have to arrest you."

The scientist replied, "For what?  You can't arrest me for killing a
clone!"  The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

"Well!" retorted the police chief.  He thought for a moment and
ordered the scientist held for making an obscene clone fall.

REPORT CARD TIME

Father to son after exam:  "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it.  He wants to scare his parents."


Update Date March 5, 2001

MOVIE PROJECT
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired
the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was
prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they
would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well,"
started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart.  I would love
to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my
image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,"
said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to
Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall.  "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices.  "Sounds
splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who
do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING
Submitted by Lee B.

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a
Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.

...Now you know everything!


Update Date March 6, 2001

FIRE SALE

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered 
the troops.
   
"People," she said, "I've just been informed that we're going to 
be having a fire sale."

"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent.  "But we sell insurance."
   
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," she replied coldly.  
"Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

DRESS

Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess
and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very
beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly
burlap dress.

"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave
knight will rescue me!"

"Not in that thing," the evil king replied.

She waited day and night, but it was just as the king 
predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the 
high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I've 
mentioned, was very disgusting.

After many months the princess broke down crying and the
evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would
rescue a damsel in this dress!"

NOTHING

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling
once she learned to spell STOP.  After that, she tried to
figure out her own words.  From the back seat of the car
she'd yell, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does
doeb spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks.  Then one afternoon as they
sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said,
"Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"


Update Date March 7, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY

AN OLD MAN, A BOY AND A DONKEY WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE ON THE
DONKEY & THE OLD MAN WALKED.  AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE
WHO REMARKED IT WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING AND THE BOY WAS
RIDING.  THE MAN & BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO THEY
CHANGED POSITIONS. LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO REMARKED, "WHAT A
SHAME, HE MAKES THAT LITTLE BOY WALK.". SO THEY DECIDED THEY BOTH WOULD
WALK!  SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE
WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY TO
RIDE. SO, THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!  NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE THAT
SHAMED THEM BY SAYING HOW AWFUL TO PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY. THE
BOY & MAN SAID THEY WERE PROBABLY RIGHT SO THEY DECIDED TO CARRY THE
DONKEY. AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST THEIR GRIP ON THE DONKEY &
HE FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY?  IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL
EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS.

NO REGRETS

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology 
course.  The first day, the professor commented on each 
student's major, trying to provoke a response.  It was working - 
some students were becoming defensive.  When it was 
my turn, I told him I was a music major.  

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of 
you wasting your education to study music."

"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

GOOD NEWS

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned 
from work,  "I have great news for you.  Pretty soon
we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing
his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because 
tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."


Update Date March 8, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

NON TRADITIONAL MATH AND OTHERS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman - before marriage and after marriage.


Update Date March 9, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

BEDTIME PRAYER (for women) 
 
Now I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray for a man, who's not a creep. 
One who's handsome,  smart and strong. 
He's not afraid to admit  when he's wrong. 
One who thinks before he speaks. 
When he promises to call,  he doesn't wait 6 weeks. 
I pray that he is gainfully employed, 
won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. 
Pulls out my chair & opens my door, 
massages my back & begs to do more. 
Oh! Send me a man who will  make love to my mind. 
Knows just what to say when I  ask "How fat is my behind?" 
One who'll make love till my body's a twitching' 
He brings ME a sandwich too,  when he goes to the kitchen! 
I pray that this man  will love me to no end, 
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend. 
Thank You in advance  and now I'll just wait, 
for I know You will send  him before it's too late. 

Amen. 
 

BEDTIME PRAYER (for men) 
 
As I lay me down to sleep 
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap. 
One who's sexy,  blonde and long. 
Who notices  that she's mostly wrong. 
One who sucks And doesn't speak. 
And promises to do so, Once a week. 
I pray that she is very randy, 
'cause one like that would come in handy. 
Opens her leg and lies on the floor, 
and once I'm done, she begs for more. 
Oh! Send me a woman who will  not play with my mind. 
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind! 
One who'll make love  till my body's a twitching' 
and brings ME a beer,  when she comes from the kitchen! 
I pray that she'll last right up to the end, 
And would never complain when I do her best friend. 
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait, 
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late. 
 
Amen. 


Update Date March 10, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

TRUE FACTS ABOUT MEN

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man
during the play-off season of any sport.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals/tennis shoes

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They
can learn in private; in public they have to show they know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men love watches or remotes with multiple functions.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave
enough to get a bikini wax.

Men don't get cellulite. Most women believe for that
reason alone, God might just be a male.

Men own most sports teams. Every year cheerleaders'
outfits get tighter and briefer.

Not one man in any beer commercial has a beer belly.

Those men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight
should do it out of sight of women.

Men accept compliments much better than women do.
Example:

"Morris, you look great."
"Thanks."

On the other side:

"Ruth, you look great."
"I do ??? Must be the lighting."

Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women
do because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women
may need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men
to help them get dressed easier and quicker.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels
tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man
tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will
assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like
monotony.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

Men hate self-service. It's always so damn bad ... and
slow too.

Most men are halfway thru life before they realize it's
a "do-it-yourself" thing.

To a man, a kiss is just an application for a better
position

A lot of men define marriage as a way to get maid service
for free

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something his lover said. After marriage, he'll
fall asleep before his wife finishes...


Update Date March 11, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

WAKE UP

Little Johnny's father was a rector in a small church.

One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was 
coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very 
excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him.

His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny 
bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed 
to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops 
Room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over 
and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines.

He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that 
his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your 
time is up!!"

SNEAKY GENIE!

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up
out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a
third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second
wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made
your first wish.  Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is
the way it was before you made any wishes.  You now have one wish
left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.  I
wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
forever.  "That was your first wish, too!"


Update Date March 12, 2001

GIVE ME THE BILL

An inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and
give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."  The bartender slaps the guy
around a few times, then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a
drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't
possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives
him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house,
has a drink himself, and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the
living daylights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says
(with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink,
give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."


SOMETHING TO PONDER 
  
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?


Update Date March 13, 2001

VERY SERIOUS

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just
after arriving home from work.  As he was tuning into the evening
news, the phone rang.  The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the
familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.  "In fact, three
doctors are there already!"

BE A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE

A woman was having a medical problem -- her husband snoring.  She
called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he
could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your
husband, but it is really rather expensive.  It will cost $1000 down,
and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "It sounds like leasing a new
sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured.  "Too obvious, huh?"


Update Date March 14, 2001

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with
his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes,he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes.  It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why in
the world did you eat him?"

UGH!

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping
carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this -- my mom just bought
strained plums!"

The second baby says, "You think that's bad -- my mom just bought
strained peas!"

The third baby says, "You think you guys got it bad?  How would you
like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

DEFINITION

Family planning:  The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.


Update Date March 15, 2001

BUBBA
Submitted by Lee B.

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there 

is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." 

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about 

Tom Cruise?" 

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba 

and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure 

enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your 

friend come right in and join me for lunch!" 

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.  After they leave 

Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise 

was just lucky. 

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. 

"President Clinton,"  his boss quickly retorts. 

"Yes,"  Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." 

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour 

and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was 

just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and 

let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." 

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. 

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to 

Bubba,  who again implores him to name anyone else. 

"The  Pope," his boss replies. 

"Sure!" says Bubba. 

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." 

So off they fly to Rome.  Bubba and his boss are assembled with the 

masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I 

can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know 

all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony 

with the Pope." 

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure 

enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by 

the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack 

and is surrounded by paramedics. 

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" 

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope 

came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on 

the balcony with Bubba?" 


LIFESPAN
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow. "Today I
have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all
day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span
of 50 years."

The cow objected. "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for
50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years - I'll give back to
you."

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog," What you are
supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that

come by- or in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give you a life span of

20 years!"

The dog objected. "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give
you back my other 10 years of life!"

So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkey
has to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey
tricks. And I'll give you a 20 year life span."

Monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten
years will do, and the other 10 years - I'll give you back.

So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep,
eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is

to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year
lifespan."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing?
Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No
way,man!.......  Why don't we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30
years, Dog gave you back10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I
will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?"

So God agreed.

AND THAT IS WHY..... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the
best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long,
suffer, and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain
our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the
last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people...


Update Date March 16, 2001

DANCE LESSONS

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do
guests attend.  During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the
back lawn working.  One of the guests was watching the gardeners at
work, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other leaped up,
spun about, and gracefully swirled, dancing beautifully.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the hostess, "That man is
such a talented dancer, I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate
his dancing before my aerobics class!"

When the hostess asked the first gardener about such an arrangement,
he yelled, "Hey Louie!  Do you think for a hundred pounds you could
step on that rake again?"

BAR BET

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron.  Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.  Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try
the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man.  The crowd's laughter turned to total silence
as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man,"What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS."


Update Date March 17, 2001

NOW, BE NICE!

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City
subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.  Frank
adamantly rejects the man in disgust.  Matt, on the other hand, whips
out his wallet, pulls out a couple of dollar bills and gladly hands
them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other
passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.  "What on earth
did you do that for?" shouts Frank.  "You know he's only going to use
it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

AND PEOPLE SAY THEY DON'T WORK

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet.
When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.  Poof! A
beer appeared.

Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by
beautiful and willing women."

Poof!  He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.
"Oh, man this is the life," the guy thought.  "I wish I never had to
work again."  And poof!  He was back at his desk in the government
office!


Update Date March 18, 2001

THE TALKING CLOCK

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the student replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the guy said, then proceeded to give the gong an ear
shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall.  "KNOCK IT
OFF, YOU IDIOT!  It's two o'clock in the morning!

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Finally, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was
talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the back of
mine!"


Update Date March 19, 2001

THE SPLIT

The math teacher posed this problem, 
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. 
One fifth is to go to his wife, one fifth is to go 
to his son, one sixth to his butler, and the rest 
to charity. Now, what does each get?"

The savvy student answered, "A lawyer!"

THE SETTLEMENT

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer
reported to his client: "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement
with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." 

"Fair to both!?!" exploded Jill. "I could have done that myself. 
Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"


Update Date March 21, 2001

The New Alphabet for Older People

A s for arthritis
B s for bad back
C s for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can t read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I d rather not mention)
   And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L  for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait!  I forgot about K for bad knees
(I ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N s for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P s for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal?  Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W s worry
About what the X--as in X ray--will find
But through the word  terminal  rushes to mind,
I m proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal---
For checking the symptoms my body s deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy".  I call mine
"Sex".  Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex.  He said, "I'd like to have one, too."

Then I said, "You don't understand.  I've had Sex since I was nine
years old."

He said, "you must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a
special room for Sex.  He said, "Every room in the place is for sex!"

I said, "You don't understand.  Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there looking around.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in the
contest.  He told me I should have sold tickets.  "But you don't
understand," I said.  "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V."  He called me
a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog.  I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too."  Then I told him after I was married, Sex
left me.  He said "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking for him around
the town.  A cop came over to me and asked, "WHAT are you doing in the
alley at 4 O'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday!


Update Date March 22, 2001

SODA MACHINE

There was a blonde woman at a soda machine.  She put a dollar in the
slot and pushed the Pepsi button.  The Pepsi came out, so she took it
and put the change in her purse.

She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the
Mountain Dew button.  The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the
change and put it in her purse.

Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her
money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.

Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady!  What's taking you
so long?"

She answered, "Duh!  I'm still winning!"


AW, MOM!

A mother had been constantly showing her daughter how to do
everything.  It finally came to pass that the young girl got married.

Of course, the mother tagged along on the honeymoon.  That night, the
daughter was heard to say, "But mother, I'd rather do it myself!"


Update Date March 23, 2001

RICH STOCK BROKERS

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making
the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he
chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities
of the brokerage business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina.
"That 96-foot beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch.
That one over there, 104-foot, is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs.
And look at that huge 210-foot yacht out there.  That's the pride and
joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."

His friend Morris was silent.  Goodman turned to look at him and saw a
pained look on his face.

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," Morris said.  "Why aren't there any customers'
yachts?"

PARATROOPER

How many successful jumps does a paratrooper have to make before he is
ready for combat?
All of them!

ONLY IN AMERICA

...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet soda!


Update Date March 24, 2001

DRINKING BUDDIES

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at 
JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will 
kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking 
buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head 
will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In 
fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and 
no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

A MAN FOR THE JOB

One day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.  He picked it up,
rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared.  "I'll grant you your
fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a
job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Done!" said the genie.  "Poof!  You're a housewife."


Update Date March 25, 2001

CAR TROUBLE

This old lady was driving down the road and a wheel fell off of her
car, so she turned around and looked.  It was rolling down the road.
She started singing, "It's a fine time to leave me, loose wheel."

AN OLDIE, BUT A GOODIE

A young boy having received his report card walked out to the schools
flagpole and proceeded to hoist the card up the pole.  When asked what
he was doing, he replied that he was trying to raise his grades.


Update Date March 26, 2001

BETTER THAN PORK
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth , TX.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a
compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation
by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have,
on the odd occasion."  Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He
asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate.
But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to
ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped
around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't
it?"

MEMORY LANE
Submitted by Lee B.

Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950's, just a scant 50
years ago!
(Were haircuts ever 50 cents?? Even men's?)
1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."
4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just
to mail a letter?"
5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon
it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."
7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 40 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in
the garage."
8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing
their hair as long as the girls."
9) "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The Clock`
thing is nothing but racket."
10) "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
11) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to
put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have
some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
12) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the president."
13) "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
14) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
15) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where some
married women are having to work to make ends meet."
16) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
17) " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won't be
able to sit down for a week."
18) "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear
slacks to their service?"
19) "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us to not grow
crops."
20). "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing
the best people to congress."
21). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college?
Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a
doctor or a lawyer."
22) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
23) "Anymore no one can afford to be sick; $35 a day in the hospital
is too rich for my blood."
24) "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country
that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
25) "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15
cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
26). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have
my wife learn to cut hair."
27) "We won't be going out much anymore. Our sitter informed us she
wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
28) "Cars that dim their lights by sensors, automatic ransmissions,and
who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.


Update Date March 27, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

SILENT DEBATE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the
Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge
outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a
deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of
the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the
debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy.
If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi,
Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe,
however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not
speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a
"silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi
Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before
the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The
Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of
wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the
Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man
has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope,
asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I
held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground to show that God was also right here with us. I
pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God
absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of original sin. He had an answer for
everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi
Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe,
"first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get
out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he
tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I
said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we
stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch

CONDOM SHOT

David and John were teeing off on the long par 5
seventh hole. David decided he was going to reach
the green in two and took such a cut at the ball
that he almost fell over. The ball skimmed out
over the course about 5 feet above the ground,
slicing into a tree and bouncing into the
fairway about 150 yards out.

David said: "Nice condom shot."

Todd said: "What's a condom shot."

David said: "Safe, but doesn't feel good."


Update Date March 28, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

THINGS ABOUT LIFE

Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.

Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Isn't it funny how the mood can be
ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped
me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

Marriage changes passion...
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...
now I've got hair like Don King.

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than
thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip -
I drove my wife to the airport!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years
...then we met.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high
school was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you
like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know
me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never
had it, chances are you won't either.

I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.

How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?

I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers."

If women can have PMS,
then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
you might as well keep the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages.


Update Date March 29, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

BUT FIRST

Just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very
serious condition and there's no hope I will ever recover.  The scientific
world is frantically searching for a cure.

This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been
diagnosed, however now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones
and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so
hard to accomplish something and didn't.

I call it the "But First Syndrome."

You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and
notice the newspaper on the table.  OK, I'm going to do the laundry BUT
FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.  After that, I notice the mail on the
table.  OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle rack.

BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills
to be paid.  Yes, now where's the checkbook?  Oops.-.there's the empty glass
from yesterday on the coffee table.  I'm going to look for that checkbook,
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.  I head for the kitchen, look
out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water.  I put the
glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen
counter.  What's it doing here?  I'll just put it away.

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants.  Head for door and--Aaaagh!

Stepped on the cat.  Cat needs to be fed.  Okay, I'll put that remote away
and water the plants.

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

End of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass
is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat
ate the remote control And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got
done all day, I'm baffled because.

I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!!

I realize this condition is serious...and I'd get help.  BUT FIRST I think
I'll check my e-mail!


Update Date March 30, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

CRITERIA

What I Want in a Man
1.      Handsome
2.      Charming
3.      Financially successful
4.      A caring listener
5.      Witty
6.      In good shape
7.      Dresses with style
8.      Appreciates finer things
9.      Full of thoughtful surprises
10.     An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1.      Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2.      Opens car doors, holds chairs
3.      Has enough money for a nice dinner
4.      Listens more than talks
5.      Laughs at my jokes
6.      Carries bags of groceries with ease
7.      Owns at least one tie
8.      Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9.      Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10.     Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1.      Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2.      Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3.      Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4.      Nods head when I'm talking
5.      Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6.      Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7.      Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8.      Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.      Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10.     Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1.      Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2.      Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3.      Doesn't borrow money too often
4.      Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.      Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6.      Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7.      Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.      Appreciates a good TV dinner
9.      Remembers your name on occasion
10.     Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1.      Doesn't scare small children
2.      Remembers where bathroom is
3.      Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4.      Only snores lightly when asleep
5.      Remembers why he's laughing
6.      Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7.      Usually wears some clothes
8.      Likes soft foods
9.      Remembers where he left his teeth
10.     Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1.      Breathing
2.      Doesn't miss the toilet


Update Date March 31, 2001

ALL TOGETHER NOW

The Church members were accustomed to always answering with "And so with
you"
when the pastor said the prayers.  But, one day, he was having problems
with his microphone.  It went something like this:

Pastor: "God bless all those with a meek spirit"
Members: "And so with you"

Then a long silence as the pastor fumbled with the microphone to get it to
work, the microphone started working just as the pastor said "This thing
isn't working"

Members: "And so with you"


HINDSIGHT 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting
next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his
glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the
same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look
pretty
good too!"


Update Date April 1, 2001

A DRINKIN' MAN

An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of
Guinness.  He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and
calls the bartender for three more.  The bartender says, "Sure it's up
to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a
time?  Then they'll be fresh and cold."

"'Nah..." the man says, "I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a
time.  You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink
and have good times.  Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and
I'm here.  We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each
other's honor this way."

"Well," says the bartender, "that's a grand thing to do, all right.
I'll bring the pints as you ask."

Well, time goes on and the man's peculiar habit is known and accepted
by all the pub regulars.  One day though, he comes in and orders only
two pints.  A hush falls over the pub.  Naturally, everyone figures
something happened to one of the brothers.  A group of the regulars
corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what
happened.  With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and
says, "Here's your pints...and let me offer my sincerest condolences.
What happened?"

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts
laughing.

"Oh, no, no, no!  'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up
drinking for Lent"


NO ANESTHETIC NEEDED

A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need
to give you an anesthetic."

The man said, "No, I don't need anything.  Just pull the tooth."

The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"

The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life.
Just pull the tooth."

The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch.  The
dentist said, If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I
would like to know  about it."

The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we
stayed in a cabin.  We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when
Thursday came, all were tired but me,,so I went out by myself.  When I
got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I
realized I had to 'do my business.'  Knowing I couldn't make it back
to the cabin, I decided to go right there.  I tucked behind a tree and
dropped my pants and squatted down to go.  I didn't see the trap under
the snow cover, and when I squatted, my privates dropped in the trap
and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them."

The dentist said, "Wow!  If that was the first time, when was the
second experience?"

The man replied, "When I ran out of chain on the trap."


Update Date April 2, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NEW YORKER 

You know you are a New Yorker when ....
1. You say "The City" and expect everyone to know that this means
Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long
weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible to you.
5. The subway map makes sense to you.
6. You think the subway should never be called anything prissy,
like the Metro.
7. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
8. You've considered smacking someone just for saying "The Big Apple."
9. Your door has more than two locks.
10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
13. You consider Westchester "Upstate."
14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
15. You walk faster than some people run.
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet
and you think it's a "steal."
18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got lost both times.
19. You pay more each month to insure your car than most people in
the U.S. pay in rent.
20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since
you went away to camp as a kid.
21. You go to dinner at 9pm and head out to the clubs when most
Americans are heading to bed.
22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
23. When foreigners ask directions, you are nice to them. When other
New Yorkers ask directions, you ignore them.
24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
25. You take fashion seriously.
26. When you pass a celebrity on the street, you don't go to pieces.
27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
30. You've stopped thinking about how many hands touched the subway pole.
31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping Mom last Thanksgiving.
33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
34. Your idea of "personal space" is no one actually breathing on you.
35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
37. You don't hear sirens anymore.
38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air
quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
39. You live/work in a building with a larger population than some
American towns.
40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man
is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese,
your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the
watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani,
your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian...

BIRDIE

A blonde and a brunette were walking in the park.  The brunette says
to the blonde, "Oh look.  There's a dead bird!"

The blonde looked up at the sky and asked, "Where????"


Update Date April 3, 2001

NEXIA

Two friends were driving cross-country, and as they were driving down
this narrow country road, they passed a sign that read, "NEXIA - 5
Miles ahead."

The driver turned to the passenger and said, "I'm guessing that the
name of that town must be said like 'N-ex-e-a.'"

The passenger replied, "No, it's an old Indian name.  The way to say
it is, 'Na-he-a.'"

The driver answered, "Well, I don't think you're right."

The passenger stated, "I'll tell you what.  Let's stop in the first
place we see when we get there, and ask a local resident, OK?"  The
driver agreed.

So, when they got to the town, they saw this business just off of the
road, so the driver pulled in and parked the car.  Then, the two
friends got out of the car and entered the business.  The two walked
up to the counter and waited a moment as the employee helped a
customer.  When the customer left the counter, the two stepped up to
it.

The employee asked, "May I help you?"

The driver said, "Yes.  I'd like you to tell us where we are, and say
it v-e-r-r-r-r-r-r-y s-l-o-w-w-l-y."

The employee looked at the two very quizzically for a moment, and then
shook his head.  He looked at both men as he said, "OK.
D-a-a-a-i-r-r-r-y  Q-u-e-e-e-e-n."

QUESTION FOR THE AGES

If you've ended up in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you
tell them to go?

A PUBLIC SERVANT SHOULD KNOW BETTER

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby, and the driver says, "That's the
ugliest damn baby I've ever seen!"  In a huff the woman slams her fare
into the coin box and takes an aisle seat in the rear.

An elderly man seated next to her senses that she's agitated and asks
her what's wrong.  "That bus driver just insulted me," she fumes.

The man is sympathetic and says "Why, a public servant shouldn't say
things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" the woman agrees.  "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind!"

"Thats a good idea," the man says.  "Here, let me hold your monkey."


Update Date April 5, 2001

SICK MAN

The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor.

The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you
this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You
must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

THAT'S SOME SALESMAN!

A traveling salesman was driving down a country road, when a rabbit
ran in front of his car and he hit it.  The proverbial farmer was
sitting on the fence watching.  The salesman got out of his car and
opened the trunk.  He then removed an aerosol can and sprayed the
contents on the dead rabbit.

The next thing you know, the rabbit got up and hopped about 20 feet
down the road, turned and waved to the salesman, went another 20 feet,
and waved to the salesman again.

The salesman looked at the farmer and said "He'll be okay now."  The
salesman got into his car and left.

The farmer, wondering what was going on, walked over to the ditch
where the salesman threw the can, and picked it up and read the label.
It said, "FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE."


Update Date April 6, 2001

GREEN SIDE UP

A woman decided to get her house re-painted.  She hired a man to be in
charge of the painting.  The man went over to the woman's house one
day, and they began to decide what color she wants the rooms painted.

They walked into the entryway and the woman said, "I want this room
painted light pink."

So the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to the
window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!!" out the window.

The woman thought that this was weird, but she didn't say anything.
They went on to the next room, the dining room.  The woman said, "I
want this room painted lilac."

So again, the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to
the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!!" out the window.

The women almost said something, but decided not to.  They went into
the next room, which was the woman's bedroom.  The woman said, "I want
this room painted blue."

So the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to the
window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!

The woman said, "I said I wanted this room to be blue."

The man said, "Yeah, that's why I wrote down blue on my note book."

"But then why did you yell 'green side up' out the window?"

The man then replied, "Oh, I've just got a couple of blondes out there
laying sod, and I just had to remind them how the sod goes."

Many thanks to Maggie M. from Michigan for today's Joke #2!


A HOLE BEHIND

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he
saw a lady playing ahead of him.  He walked up to her, explained his,
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 6th.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again,
with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must
be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar.  He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady.  The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help.  I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I'm in sales also.  What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"


Update Date April 12, 2001

GRANDMA'S IDEA

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist
down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below
the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.  This is your Grandma's
idea."

CLIFF THROWING

What did the Swedish guy say to his brother when he threw their mother
off the cliff?

"Look, Hans.  No Ma!"

SMART PLAN

Once there were these two hillbillies driving down the road, when they
saw a police roadblock.  The first hillbilly, Bubba, said, "If those
police see us drinkin' these here beers, they'll bust us fer sure."

The second hillbilly, Earl, said "I've got a plan.  Pull over, take
the label off your beer bottle, and put it on your forehead.  Just put
the bottle under your seat."

"What fer?" Bubba asked.

"Just do it," Earl replied.

So they took the labels off their beer bottles and put them on their
foreheads and pulled up to the police roadblock.  A policeman asked,
"You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," Earl replied, "we're on the patch."


Update Date April 13, 2001

ENGINEERING MATTERS
Submitted by Bong V.

Dilberts theorem on Salary states:

that engineers & scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives & sales people.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathemetical equation based on the following three postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge = Power)
Postulate 2: TIme is Money (Time = Money)
Postulate 3: (as every engineer knows): Power = Work/Time

It therefore follows:
 
Knowledge = Work/Time
and since: Time = Money
we have: Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work /  knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.


Conclusion 1: The less you know, the More you make.

Conclusion 2: This is the reason why your BOSS is paid more than you!!!


CONFESSION OF A CATHOLIC BOY

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father.  I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.  Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that.  But you've sinned, and you must
atone.  Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.  His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.


Update Date April 16, 2001

PROGRESS

We are told that if automotive technology progressed at the same pace
as computer technology, we would have economy cars weighing 30 pounds
getting 1,000 miles to a gallon of gas, with a cost of less than
$50.00.

But, would you really want to drive a car that crashes about 10 times
a day?

Many thanks to Charles V. from Norco, California for today's Joke #1!


MEOW

What do you call a cat that fell in a garbage can?

Kitty litter!

LOVERS

The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed.  Their bodies
fused together as they gyrated and panted.  Then, suddenly the woman
cocked her ear.  "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door!
Hide in the bathroom", she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed.

Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive way and got ready to receive
you" she replied with a wink and a smile.

"Great" he said.  "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with
you in two shakes."

She panicked.  Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom.  He
found a man clapping his hands together in mid air.  Dumfounded, he
asked, "Who the devil are you?"

"I'm from the exterminator company.  Your wife called me in to get rid
of these pesky moths" the lover replied.

The husband yelled, "but you've got no clothes on!!!"

The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise, and
said, "The little bastards!!"

Update Date April 17, 2001

POSSESSIONS IN HEAVEN

A man shows up at the pearly gates carrying a large chest.  Saint
Peter stops him and says, "I'm sorry, this is Heaven.  You're not
allowed to bring anything with you."

The man clutches the chest tightly and says, "Oh yes I can, I have
special permission from God to bring this."

Saint Peter had never seen anything like this before, and so he tells
the man, "Hold on.  I'll have to check on this."  He pulls out his
celestial cellular and calls the Big Man.  Much to his amazement, he
learns that the man does, indeed, have permission to bring this most
prized earthly possession with him.  He gives the man permission to
proceed but can't help himself and says, "Excuse me but I'm extremely
curious.  Could you please show me what you have in the chest?"

The man gives a big smile and opens the chest.  There in the chest was
bar upon bar of shiny gold.  Saint Peter seemed confused, and as he
tells the man to proceed, he has to ask the question, "Out of all of
the things you could possibly bring with you to Heaven, why would you
want to bring only pavement?"

Many thanks to Sam B. from Kennewick for today's Joke #1!


T.V. SHOWS

A couple of television producers were chatting about old shows while
drinking coffee, and also dreaming about what shows they would like to
do.

"Remember the show 'The Waltons'?" one asked.  "I just received a new
script that looks pretty good, although it is a little different."

"I liked the show the way it was.  So how is this one different?"

"Slightly different cast."

"How so?"

"They have another boy in the family who is an avid gardener.  He is
particularly fussy about how the grass looks.  It had to be well
watered and fertilized and free of weeds.  It had to be exactly a
certain length, which meant cutting it every day."

"Oh, what was his name?"

"Lawnboy."


Update Date April 18, 2001

HISTORY OF YODELING
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the
night.

The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could
sleep in the barn.  The man went into the barn to bed down, and the
farmer went back into the house.

Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came downstairs and
asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer.  "He needed a
place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the
barn.

The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"?

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."  She went
into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to
the barn.  The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning
to the house.  When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled
and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up
in her long blond hair.  She immediately went up the stairs to her
bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why
their daughter went to bed so early.  "I don't know," said the farmer.
"I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took
him some food."

"Oh", replied the wife.  "Well, did you offer the man anything to
drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to
drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to
the barn.  She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back
into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw
twisted into her blond hair.  She went straight up the stairs and into
bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.  A few hours
later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs.  She went
right out to the barn, only to find it empty.  She ran back into the
house.  "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father.

Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

"What??" she cried.  "He left without saying goodbye?  After all we
had together?  I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?!" shouted the father.  The farmer ran out into the front yard,
looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the
mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you!  You had sex with
my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next
to his mouth, and yelled out...

"ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

And thus was born yodeling.

THE FLEA & THE ELEPHANT

An elephant and a flea walked across a bridge, side by side.  When
they had reached the other side, the flea said to the elephant, "Boy,
did we shake that thing!"


Update Date April 19, 2001

OLD COUPLE

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter
evening.  They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.  You could tell what
the admirers were thinking:  "Look, there is a couple who has been
through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his
order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal.  The couple
took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.  There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one
drink.  The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully
cut it in half.  He placed one half in front of his wife.  Then he
carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip, and then set the cup
down between them.  As the man began to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the crowd began to get restless.  Again, you could tell
what they were thinking:  "That poor old couple.  All they can afford
is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came
over to the old couple's table.  He politely offered to buy another
meal for the old couple to eat.  The old man replied that they were
just fine.  They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and, occasionally took
turns sipping the drink.  Again, the young man came over and begged
them to let him buy them something to eat.  This time, the lady
explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.  As
the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with
a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer.  Again he came over
to their table and offered to buy some food.  After being politely
refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating?  You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

NEW HOME FOR NEWLYWEDS

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.  One day, the
husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, do you know
that the upstairs bathroom pipes are leaking? Could you fix it?"

The husband just looks at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.
Plumber?"

A few weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard.  His wife finds a
leak in the roof.  She pleads to him as he's walking through the door,
"Honey, there is a leak in the roof!  Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "Do I look like Bob Vila to you?"

Another couple of weeks go by, and as comes home from work, his wife
asks for another little favor.  "Honey the car won't start, I think it
needs a new battery.  Do you think you can change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"  As he walked into the house,
sat down with a beer, and watched the game on TV.

One weekend, the husband woke up, and the rain was pouring down pretty
hard, but the leak in the roof was gone!  Speaking of leaks, he also
went to take a shower, and he found that the pipes behind the sink
weren't leaking anymore.  His wife was coming home just then, and as
she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there
aren't anymore leaks, and the car's running?"

The wife calmly replies, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail,
and I ran into one of our new neighbors, John.  What a nice man!  He
came over and fixed everything."

"Wow!  Did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.  "No, he just
said that he'd do it for free if I'd either make him a cake or have
sex with him." she said.

"Cool!  What kind of cake did you make?" he asked.

"Cake?  What do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?"


Update Date April 20, 2001

LOST LUGGAGE

Harry arrived at the airport and wandered around the terminal, tears
streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.

"No," replied Harry.  "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said Harry.

Many thanks to John S. from Depoe Bay, Oregon for today's Joke #1!


SWIM TIME

What does Hannibal Lecter call a Jacuzzi?

A crock pot.

YOUNG LOVE

There was a couple who got married and went to a local motel for their
honeymoon.  For three days, nobody saw or heard from them, and the
caretaker became worried.

He decided to check in and see if everything was okay.  He knocked on
the door, and the young groom opened the door, blushing, wearing only
his underwear.  The caretaker asked him, "Sorry to bother you, but is
everything okay?  We haven't seen you in a few days."

The groom answered, "Don't worry about us.  We are just enjoying the
fruits of love."

The caretaker then replied, "Oh!  In that case, would you mind not
throwing the peels out the window?  Two of my geese have choked
already!"


Update Date April 22, 2001

KIDS ASK THE DARNDEST QUESTIONS

One day, while shopping in the local Wal-Mart, my little boy asked me
why his daddy and I got divorced.  I told him "Honey, when you are a
little older I'll explain it all to you."

A few minutes later, he asked me how old I am.  My reply to him was
simply "A woman never reveals her real age."

He looked puzzled.  Then he asked me how much I weighed.  I explained
to him that it wasn't polite to ask a woman that question, and that he
probably wouldn't get a truthful answer anyway.

After I finished my shopping and was writing a check at the checkout,
I began to look for my driver's license.  I realized who had it when
my son said to me, "Mommy, I have all the answers now!  You are 34
years old, you weigh 145 pounds, and the reason you and daddy got
divorced is because you got an 'F' in sex!!"

DEAD PEOPLE

In an average cemetery, how many people in it are dead?

All of them!

AN AGE OLD QUESTION

A chicken and an egg were lying in a bed.  The chicken's feathers were
ruffled, and he had a cigarette hanging out of his beak.  The egg
rolled over and said in a huff, "I guess that answers that question!


Update Date April 23, 2001

SPECIAL PIG

As Joe was driving, he passed his friend's farm.  Out of the corner of
his eye, he saw a pig with one wooden leg.  This got the best of him,
for he was raised on a farm all his life, and he had never seen a
sight like this.

He drove on up and spotted his friend working on his tractor.  He
stopped and asked him about what he had just seen.

His friend said, "Let me tell you a little story about that pig.  One
night, during a very bad lighting storm, my house caught on fire.
That pig pulled my wife and me out of the fire, saving our lives!"

"Okay," Joe said, "but why does he have one wooden leg?"

The farmer said, "Let me tell you another little story about that pig.
One day, I was plowing on this very tractor, and I hit a rut.  I
tipped the tractor and I was trapped under it.  That pig dug me out
and saved my life!"

"Okay," Joe said, "but why does he have one wooden leg???"

The farmer said, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once!"

Many thanks to Robert R. from Athens, Alabama for today's Joke #1!


MOONSHINERS

Two old moonshiners were sitting on the front porch when they heard a
noise.  From down the road came a motorcycle.  One old man picked up
his shotgun and fired at it.

"What was that, Clem?"

"I don't know, Luke, but I made it drop that man!"


Update Date April 24, 2001


SOUTHERN SAVIOR

Two good ole Southern boys were having the blue plate special at their
favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.  They turned
around to see a lady, a few stools down, turning blue from wolfing
down a 'possum burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"

"I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin
yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted her skirt, and licked her
on the butt.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to
breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how
that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."


FISHING BUDDIES

Two good (blond) fishing buddies, Joe and Dave, went up to the
mountains to a creek to fish.  After they parked the pickup and got
out all their fishing gear, Dave said "I'm going to go across the
creek and fish upstream."  Joe acknowledged him.

After some time of fishing away from each other, the weather turned
bad, the sky turned dark, and it began to rain tremendously.  The
lightning flashed and the thunder rolled, the creek began to swell and
pushed over its banks.

Dave came running down the opposite side of the creek and hollered
over to Joe above the thunder, "How do I get across?!"

Joe hollered, "Take off your shoes and socks, roll up your pants, and
wade!"

By this time it was dark.  Dave hollered back, "The creek is too high
and you know I can't swim!"

Joe hollered, "I have an idea.  I will go get the flashlight, shine it
on the water, and you can walk across on the beam!"

Dave thought about this for a couple of minutes and then hollered
back, "That's no good.  I know you -- I'll get halfway across, and
you'll shut it off!"


Update Date April 26, 2001

PEANUTS

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the
peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for
the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off them."


SIXTH GRADERS

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and
said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like
that.  She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal
who would fire the teacher!

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again.  "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10
times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:  Number one, you
have a dirty mind.  Number two, you didn't read your homework.  And
number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed."


Update Date April 30, 2001

THE DARNDEST THING

In the Midwest, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and
without warning.

In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the
foundation and first floor.  A silver-haired farm lady was seen
sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left
above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her dazed, but unhurt.
She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.

"It was the darndest thing.  It was the darndest thing," she kept
repeating.

"What was the darndest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was
pull the plug, and the whole darned house suddenly just drained away."


PARTY SIZE

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the
Democratic Party?"

"About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly.

"No!" exploded the teacher.  "I mean, how MANY members does it have?
How on earth did you get 5 feet 2 inches?"

"Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall, and every night he
puts his hands to his chin and says...'I've had it up to HERE with the
Democratic Party!'"


Update Date May 1, 2001

PEPSI SHIPMENT

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a
malfunction, and went down.  A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent
a rescue plane.  They searched the area and found a tribe of
cannibals.  They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if
he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew,
and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew was shocked.  One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did
you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief said, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief.  "THINGS go better with Coke.


NEW IN TOWN

"I'm new around here," said a man to a little boy.  "Will you please
direct me to the bank?"

"I will, but it'll cost you ten dollars." answered the boy.

"Why should I pay you so much?" argued the man.

"Because bank directors are always highly paid."


Update Date May 3, 2001

UNCLE BUBBA

Uncle Bubba fell into a Whiskey Vat Last week.  When men tried to pull
him out, he fought them off and jumped back in and drowned.

Well, we had Uncle Bubba cremated.  He burned for three days.


A CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity.  When the doctor arrived,
no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old
child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.  The child did so.
The mother >pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the
newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.  "He
shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place!  Spank him again!"
the 5-year-old said.


Update Date May 4, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

HUMAN BODY

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a
nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole?
It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook
on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from
your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

SMALL

A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could never 
work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music 
and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved man asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."


Update Date May 7, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been
feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to
push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't
sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going?
Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even
know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed,
even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing
is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too.

I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
feel.

I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty... scum balls.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I
feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going
on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it. Incidentally, this is also Roger's view on World
Hunger.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Update Date May 9, 2001

FISHING TRIP

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his
friends.  We'll be gone for a week.  This is a good opportunity for me
to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me
enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box?  We're
leaving from the office and will swing by the house to pick my things
up.  Oh, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but she does what her
husband asked.  The following weekend he comes home a little tired,
but otherwise looking good.  The wife welcomes him home and asks if he
caught many fish.  He says, "Oh, yes, but why didn't you pack my new
blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did.  They were in your tackle box!"


THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, from da Bronx."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter into the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the minister's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am
Joseph Snow, pastor of New Covenant Tabernacle for the last 37 years."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the minister, "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter into the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister.  "That man was a taxi-driver and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff.  How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter..."While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."


Update Date May 10, 2001

Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

DISCOVERY

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.

The man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got
all mixed up!

DEAD FROG

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.  She
inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.  "Dead," she was
informed.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child, innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and he
didn't move."


Update Date May 12, 2001

HIGH BIRTH RATE

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention
of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal, got a huge chunk of money, hired a few
additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and
birth control specialist.  They all moved to town and rented offices,
set up their computers, got squared away, and began designing their
questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort,
the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of
coffee.  He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he
was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town.
He asked the druggist if he had any idea why the birth rate was so
high.

"Sure," said the druggist.  Every morning the six o'clock train comes
through here and blows for the crossing.  It wakes everybody up, and,
well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get
up."


PRIESTS ON VACATION

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they
would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed, they headed for
a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, the two priests went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the
sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny
bikini came walking straight toward them.  They couldn